I Wanted All Four Ninja Turtles

Christmas trees with presents cascading out of them; an avalanche of consumerism. Facebook displayed picture after picture of the avalanches! Christmas isn't even over and we're online looking for something new and shiny to spend our Christmas money on.  Our house wasn't any different.  Present after present opened, but Keegan wanted all FOUR ninja turtles, not ONLY two.

I'm not going to pretend that we didn't have a lovely Christmas, we did.  Piles of presents, books and books and more books, coloring on the floor, drooling monsters sneaking quick naps on Mommy's lap, family and games and more presents and food, my goodness more food. But what we enjoyed the most, the thing that we unwrapped over and over again was each other.

In the constant rush of life, I very rarely slow down.  You won't catch me without makeup very often.  The only time I enjoy the comfort of sweats or yoga pants is when I'm burning calories. I work hard, I play hard, but rarely rest hard. But I did this week!

This week we slept in late.  We cuddled for hours and hours.  I was able to answer "No, you don't have to go to Christina's or school" day after day.  We didn't rush from one place to another.  Instead, I catered to the kids.  For the most part I did whatever they wanted to do.  By the end of the week, the two missing ninja turtles weren't mentioned at all.  All of the new toys found a new home and I bet if I took a few of them and hid them for a few months, I could re-use them and the kids wouldn't even remember they had previously received them!  Christmas morning Keegan decided to play with beads...that we've had for 3 years!  So, once again I was reminded: it's NOT the things that matter in life!

What they will most likely remember are the memories that we made together.  The traditions, the indescribable feeling of love that was shared, the time that we carved out to be present over perfect.

Happy Birthday balloons to heaven:

Visiting Grandma Gunner in the nursing home:

The shrimp fest at Papa and Nana's, reading and lighting the candles at church, finding the pickle at Grandma and Grandpa's house, $2 slime all over Mimi's walls, Treasure hunts, HAVING DADDY HOME ON CHRISTMAS:

Sleepovers with Stella, movies in 3D with cousins and Grandma, friends to fill the house, hours of fun in the snow:

 

Crafts with Aunt Laine and Mommy:

 

 



I really doubt that Keegan will remember that he ONLY received TWO ninja turtles, but I hope he remembers all the fun.

 

 

Last night I meant to finish this post.  Instead during our tickle torture, Camille took an elbow to the nose and the nose bleed required more cuddles so the rest of the post might be kind of choppy. (I wasn't complaining, it was a great excuse to turn in early;))  But my week off of work leads me to my New Year's Resolution.  (Yes, I believe in new years resolutions and have been really good at keeping mine the last few years and have turned them into habit, not resolutions)

 

This year, I'm going to SCHEDULE (we all know how I love to schedule) one weekend a month to cuddle, watch movies, make crafts, tickle torture, NOT RUSH.  No orders to "GET MOVING!" or "No, we don't have time to get out the craft tub" or "Maybe next weekend".   Nope, we're going to plan one weekend a month to stay home and open the gifts that keep giving: each other!

 

Because even if Keegan would have received all four ninja turtles, I'm pretty confident he'd pick to spend time with us over the turtles.

 

PS: Completely jealous of my SAHM friends this week.  I had so much fun relaxing with my monsters.   I know you all know how lucky you are, but know that I'm severely jealous of you all right now:P

What resolution(s) are YOU committing to?





 

 

2012 YIR

Year in Review- 12

Craziest thing I did: Finally got a tattoo! http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/03/my-reminder-always-always-always.html

Favorite Concert:  Sarah McLachlan Duh. Best friends and live music performed by Sarah.  No brainer.

 



Most cherished gift: Bracelet from Jess Fork It was an honor to be asked to stand up for her and Bryan when as they were announced members of our church!

Favorite Family Vacation: Tennessee The wedding was PERFECT.  The adventures were fun.  Hiking was indescribable.

Most Welcomed Addition to the Community: Hillkirks with Klaussins a very close second;) Love having Laura back in town to be bratty to.

Biggest don't get fat accomplishment:  Finished both Warrior Dashes...ALIVE.  In a freaking tutu!

 

 

Proudest Mommy Moment: Performing with the girls. So proud of them for singing in front of so many people at their young age:)  (DID ANYONE GET A PHOTO?  OR WAS EVERYONE TOO BUSY FILMING WHEN I SAID NOT TO!?!?)

 

Favorite Get Away:  Bronners

 

 

If I were a crier, the most sentimental day: http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/08/obligatory-first-day-photos.html All of the monsters in school!

 

 

Newest Addition to the Strong Family (Well, other than Rosie Mittens Star, the Elfing Strong Elf;)): BABY ADRIE!

 

 

Favorite Project: Road to Recovery-it always feels great to help, but this project was more than just helping. An excuse to get together with some of my besties, to use my creative energy for something other than writing, AND to help the DeVito's feel less alone. Hands down favorite project!

Favorite Family Photo: Is it bad that it's probably my favorite because Aaron HATES it? Oh well, it's still my favorite:)



 

 

 

We had a wonderful year!  Cheers to 2012 and bring on the New Year:)

 

Today

My cousin, my more talented, much skinnier, much trendier without even trying, OLDER cousin, authored this blog post "What Today Means".  Check it out, she's amazing: http://lifeinagaggle.com/2012/12/18/what-today-means/

I probably would have written about "today" regardless, but instead of packing it away on my list of topics for "someday" that I may never return to, I'm going to write today. 




Today  I'm

A young girl mad at Mommy for ONLY putting pig tails in my hair.  Why can't she just braid it?  That's what I want.  She braided my sisters, but not mine.  She must love her more.

A mother rushing to get the monsters out the door so that I can get to work in time to sneak out early.   Dear curly girl, your hair is beautiful and doesn't need to be braided.  Your sister has flat straight hair with pieces flying every direction; she needs the braid to control the disaster known as her hair.  Please put on your shoes and stop whining.

A grandmother working more than normal.  I better call my daughter to check in on her precious babies.  How did they sleep?  Are they missing me?  I'll try to meet you later tonight, but I'm going to stay and work if they need me.  I love you.

A great grandmother waking to a new day.  What is for breakfast?  Did I eat yet? Who are these people and where are my sisters?  Why do they continue to walk into my room as if they own it?  Frances, yes, that's my name! How do you know my name?  Sure, I'd love to have my hair done.

A young girl who excitedly greets her Mommy.  (I have completely forgotten about being mad over  my hair and have turned to more important things like practicing songs for tonight).  Mommy, I can't wait to go caroling.  Who is going?  Jumping up and down: Addie?  Paige!!  Azure!  I can't wait!

A mother, exhausted from a trying day at work. I drop my purse to receive the hugs from the monsters.  They feel so nice pressed against me, but we must rush, as always.  Get your coats on.    How was school?  Hey, man I live with, how did they eat?  See you later.  Don't forget to change the laundry.

A grandmother who calls once again to check in.  I'm not going to be able to make it.  Sing loud for me.  Tell the kids to smile pretty and give Grandma Gunner a hug from me.

A great grandmother who is frustrated and trapped in my own head.  Why do I have to go play bingo?  Who are these old people sitting by me?  Where are my sisters?

A young girl skipping through the halls of the nursing home. Smiling and singing and twirling and laughing and holding hands with friends. Isn't this fun to get together and sing our favorite songs!?


A mother to three beautiful children, but a granddaughter, too.  I check with the aide and she says she seems to be in a better mood than she was earlier in the day. She's playing bingo, go on in.  I hug my grandma like I have my entire life, but she quickly asks who I am.  The aide smiles gently at me and I run through who I am as she stares blankly back at me.  I tell her that some of my friends have joined me and that I've asked them to sing a few special songs for her because I know how she loves to sing.

A grandmother at work, wondering how my mother is doing.  Will she remember my baby girl?  Will she be weepy when she sees her?  I wonder how my daughter will handle the kids and her friends and my mother.  I hope all of the residents like it.

A great grandmother.  Who is this young lady that's hugging me?  She looks kind of familiar.  Who are you?  She's claiming to be my granddaughter.  I don't have a granddaughter.  She does know that I like to sing.  I'll play along.  Well, I'm going to out sing you all!

A young girl that takes a minute to go give my great grandmother a hug. I know that she doesn't always remember me. She doesn't know how I know where her candy drawer is when she doesn't even know where her candy drawer is, but my mom and my Mimi tell me to always give her a hug.  I know she enjoys it when I give her a hug though because she smiles and sometimes she cries and my mom told me that it's because I make her so happy.

A mother who stands proudly as her monsters hug her grandmother.  I hope she at least enjoys the music.  Oh no, now she's crying.  I have to tell her goodbye.  I have to hug her and not cry.  All of the kids are watching.  All of my friends are watching.  Goodbye Grandma.  We'll see you soon.  We're going to come for a Christmas party on Christmas Eve.  We love you.  Yes, I'm Laura, your granddaughter.  When you go back to your room have them show you the pictures.  I'm there and my mom's there.   She's your daughter, you remember.  We'll help you remember.

A grandmother.  Did she know who you were?  How did it go?  She cried?  Oh, honey, thanks for going.  It means a lot to me.  Yes, I'll try to make it to the basketball game.  I love you.

A great grandmother.  He looks familiar to me.  I know that I should know him.  He's so cute and he's only hugging me!  Oh and this little girl, she's so precious.  I am so thankful for these sweet hugs.  Even if I don't know who they are.  I hope they come back soon.  Even though I cried, I love to sing "Joy to the World" and "Jingle Bells".  I remember singing these songs.

 

 

Today, I'm the mother.  Tomorrow I'll be the grandmother.  In the blink of an eye, I'll be the great grandmother.

 

Today I took the time to look at today from four generations.  I should probably do it more often. 

 

Today is priceless.


** Thank you so very much to my friends that joined us for caroling.  Much love to you all for spreading your light:)





 

Keep the candle burning

I post to facebook A LOT.  This year I have been pretty good at posting to my blog regularly; sometimes even more than once a week.  Around angelversaries, birthdays, and holidays I receive higher traffic to my blog.  People anticipate that I will write words from the heart; remove the layers of Laura and lay it out in words to be read and processed.

This weekend I had a high volume of hits searching for my blog by the blog name or by my name.  I'm assuming it's because some of the people that follow are waiting for my reaction to the shooting.  Waiting to see if I'll steer toward gun control laws or pump mental health awareness.  Whether I will say to trust in God, that He has a plan, or talk about free will.  Blame everything on the legislation that took God out of schools.  Maybe share the conversation that I had with my kids. And most certainly ask another WHY!

Unfortunately, I do not think that solves anything.  Even though MANY of my facebook friends are quick to state the answer to all of the worlds problems, I simply can not.

I am not able to answer how to prevent another tragedy.  I don't have answers on how to proceed.  I don't have answers on how to talk to your children because I stumbled on my words and choked back tears during the quick conversation that we had about the shootings.  I can't tell you how to make this NEVER.HAPPEN.AGAIN. I can't answer why.

I can only pray. 

Pray silently, alone with my thoughts after I have tucked and re-tucked.  I pray for the families. I pray for the children and teachers that witnessed. I pray for the helpers. I pray for the community.  I pray for my children to be safe.  Then I pray for me.

Why?  Why do I pray for me next?

Because I could easily let my candle go out when I think about their small hands turning cold.  It starts to flicker at the thought of picking a Bible verse to be read when they say goodbye to their babies.  I could let the darkness swallow me whole when I let my mind wander to the unopened presents and the indescribable pain that those mommies and daddies and brothers and sisters are feeling.  It.could.swallow.me.

So I watch the flame of the candle that flickers, but then relights. I pray that I don't let my light burn out because we need to carry the light for an entire community now; for a country that is grieving the beautiful faces of the little girl with cute blond hair like our own little angel or the handsome little boy with a dimple in the same spot as our ornery little monster.

I need to fuel my candle, keep it shining bright, so that I can raise my monsters to have the qualities that the preschoolers held up at church on Sunday: Helpfulness, Grace, Humility, Love, Understanding, Patience, Hope, Peace, Kindness, Mercy, Caring.  I have to shelter my candle when it flickers so that I can raise them to make the right choices and turn to God when it is dark.

They, the victims and their families, their community, our community, our country, needs us to keep our flame burning for them and for all of us. 

So, I pray for me.  Prayers that I can keep the flame burning for them.  I pray for you; prayers that you can keep the flame burning, too.

And

I hope for them to survive the darkness. 

And

I beg of Him, down on my knees, that somehow, someway, someday

That they can find peace. 

And

That they can feel the love and comfort when our candles shine bright in their honor.

Keep the candle burning for them.

John 3:16-21

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷ For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. ¹⁸ Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. ¹⁹ This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. ²⁰ Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. ²¹ But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.

Etsy Plug

Etsy Plug: http://www.etsy.com/shop/boutonrougedesigns

As many of you know, the diamond fell out of my wedding band.  I was crushed and decided that if we wanted to keep the house we live in, we shouldn't purchase a new diamond or a fancy new ring.  Instead, I looked on Etsy. 

I LOVE my new ring!!  Totally would have been perfect (for me) as a wedding band, but since my Mom is having my grandmother's old diamond put in my old ring, I'll wear it on my right hand when I get my original wedding ring back.  Doesn't mean I love this one any less, but my original ring is a heirloom and I love it, too!!

Anyways, I am totally in love with the ring and I've been showing it to all of my friends, but thought I would plug her shop publicly, too!  Turns out she is taking the next month off to complete outstanding orders and spend time with her family (which I totally support and respect).  After the holiday rush, check out her shop! Chrystal Shaw even took the extra step and sent me a cute little thank you note with my order! :)

You pick the the words/dates/abbreviations/whatever you want on the products that she sells.  Here is mine.

 

Mark 10:6-9

New International Version (NIV)

⁶ “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’^{[a] 7} ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,^{[b] 8} and the two will become one flesh.’^[c] So they are no longer two, but one flesh. ⁹ Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Spoiler Alert

WARNING SPOILER TO FOLLOW. Do not read any further if you don't want to know the real meaning.  If you don't want to imagine a world full of true believers.  I often need the reminder, too.

On Sunday before we started practicing for the play, I wanted to have a little chat with the Sunday School class.  I was informed that one of my beautiful young students was saying some rather nasty things to one of their classmates.  (Good and bad thing about living in a small town: usually you hear when one of the monsters is acting up) 

I started my spiel:

Girls and Boys, I think everyone here knows the difference between nice things that we should say and mean things that we shouldn't say, don't you think?  (Heads nod yes)  Well, this week I heard that one of you might have been using mean words instead of nice words when you were speaking to one of your classmates!  Aren't you all learning about bullying?  (Heads nod yes)  Don't you think we should use our words to talk nicely to each other rather than tell each other mean things?  (one student slumps farther into their seat.  Carefully, I avoid making more eye contact with that student than any of the others, but I can tell they are getting the message)  Did you know that when you do bad things, people usually hear about it? Adults usually find out, sometimes me, sometimes your parents!

Fellow teacher interjection: But we shouldn't do things/not do things in fear of what our parents might find out.  We need to practice what God wants us to do at all times.

Ah, GOD!!  We were at Sunday School!! GOD!  What a concept!!  Yes, we need make the right choices for God, not because our parents will find out or because the elf will tell Santa or because Santa is watching.  Because God wants us to make the right choices and use the free will that He granted us in the right way!!

_________________________________________________________

Last night I wrapped Santa gifts.  (YES, I'm aware that this makes me SEEM like an overachiever, but really it was boredom more than anything.  I can only watch so much football and this seemed like a good way to sit in the same room as Aaron AND accomplish something that needs to get done).  Anyways, I moved the ELFING  Elf on the Shelf AND wrote a ELFING note to my children.  I wrote it and smiled and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy.  I wrapped piles of presents and joked with my husband that we bought many of the same things for the kids during our shopping trips.  (YAY US AS PARENTS...WE MUST BE LISTENING TO THE KIDS BECAUSE WE BOTH STATED THINGS LIKE: "Well, he said he wanted a ninja turtle or she has been asking for a notebook!"  BOO US AS PARTNERS-not very effective communication buying a few gifts twice! ;))

Then I packed away the gifts that were wrapped and Aaron took them to the attic.  I hid the other presents until another evening that I will be expected to watch football with the bearded man that lives in my house.  I went to bed feeling accomplished and excited for the monsters to see the ELFING elf and even more excited to think about them opening presents from Santa.

But, only just now, as I'm listening to "KEEGAN, TOUCHED ROSIE!!  IS SANTA STILL GOING TO COME!?!?!  MOM, I'M GOING TO BE SO MAD AT KEEGAN ALLLLLLL YEAR LONG IF HE STOLE ROSIE'S MAGIC!!" ETC ETC ETC, am I reminded of the spoiler that is sometimes forgotten during this wonderful season! 

CHRISTmas!  CHRIST is the reason for the season.  Yes, my monsters attended Sunday School this week and we practiced a play about the inn being full and touched a little on the birth of a baby.  Yes, they all sat on the steps in front of the congregation and listened to the children's connection about the meaning of Advent.  Still, if I'm being honest, they know more about the story of Santa and Rosie the elf than they do about the stories from the Bible.

I'm teaching my children to fear an Elf.  A ELFING ELF! 

I'm teaching my kids to fear that I will find out about their poor behavior if they are mean to others!  FEAR ME...Or at least, fear that I will tell their dad!! (Tonight they were probably pretty scared of me.  When the blender exploded on me, it was the last straw.  I threw a tantrum and sent them all to bed.  It was already later than their normal bedtime, but I turned into crazy, possessed, elf-eyes, head spinning, psycho mom.)

 Anyways, back to the subject.  Where does God fit in?

Might I propose a way to fit God in?  No, it's not going to be to touch the ELFING elf and make it lose all of its ELFING magical powers!  (I do believe that imagination is VERY important for young AND old minds alike.)  I'm not asking you to tell your little monster(s) that Santa isn't real!!

Instead, I'm going to read a story from the Bible each night in addition to moving the ELFING elf.  A great resource that also includes coloring pages: http://ministry-to-children.com/advent-coloring-pages-joy/.  I'm going to teach them about hope, finding our way, joy, peace and most importantly that He is our Savior! 

Just imagine!!!! A class full of monsters that believes in hope rather than name calling!  A team full of monsters that turns to God when they are having trouble finding their way! A young workforce that knows the joy that He can add to their work life and home life!  That same class of monsters will soon be middle aged adults, shaping the lives of new monsters, wouldn't it be great if they knew how to find peace through God!?  And what a comfort it would be when they all gather for activities at the nursing home someday.  I hope that they remember that HE IS OUR SAVIOR!

Imagination is important for both young and old.  What do you say?? Join me in sharing the spoiler.  Teach your monster(s) about the ELFING elf, but teach them about the new baby that will be born soon, too!  A new baby, Jesus Christ, Our Savior and Lord was born on Christmas day. Just imagine it!!  I believe, do you?

After my day today, my belief in God is the easiest thing for me to believe in. 

** PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SUBSTITUTE MY FAVORITE WORD FOR ELFING WHERE IT FITS;)




 

ScAnDaL

I think most everyone that follows my blog or my facebook feed knows that I'm a "Grey's Anatomy" fan.  When they started running "Scandal" after Grey's, sometimes I would watch it, sometimes I would fall asleep.  Lately, it has my attention.

For a complete background of the show (if you're interested): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scandal_(TV_series)

The main character, Olivia, is a gorgeous and very intelligent young lady.  She is the founder of a company that handles damage control for important people.  Sometimes I wish I was an important person and I could have someone on retainer to do damage control!  Seems to me, her toughest client to "fix" is herself.  How true is that in real life?  I can normally give very sound advice, but I don't always take it and follow it myself!

I could go on and on about the characters and  the show.  I'm pretty sure I could talk to Shonda Rhimes for days and days and days if I had the opportunity.  I mean, she is the writer of BOTH television shows that I watch.  Actually, I could probably write a couple pages on the twist at the end of last nights episode! But, I'm stuck on something...else. 

This look that the characters portray when their mind wanders to the person they once loved. Both parties consciously decided to leave the relationship, for whatever reason, but it's still there, this look. Something. Even when everyone makes their decision, the next move is decided, it's still there. Something.

I asked for input on fb and within a couple hours I had what I was fishing for. A friend stated that she was sad for the male character, Fitz. The character in the show that cheated on his wife, while he is the President of America, nonetheless! Why should we feel sorry for him? He's the one that strayed from his marriage. If he wouldn't have looked outside his marriage, he wouldn't have fallen for Olivia in the first place.  But, the truth is, I cried for him, too. WHY?

Then I thought about how Olivia looked when she anticipated seeing Fitz.  The most amazing dress, perfect shining hair...absolutely stunning. 

I still do the same thing when I anticipate seeing someone I once loved.  When I'm aware that I will/might possibly see an ex, I HAVE to have a new dress and heels.   No matter how many years pass,  I feel the need to prove that I am still attractive, appealing, intriguing.   I'm married with children, (sometimes happily, but committed either way;)) yet I still want to look my best (which also includes a smile of happiness plastered on at all times exaggerating how wonderful (said in my head with annoying inflection) my life is) if I run into a person I used to care for deeply.  WHY?

Anyways, "Scandal" is part of my two hour per week television time.  Usually I watch it, it passes the time and I don't think much of it after I turn off the boob tube.  Today I can't get it out of my mind.

My desired conclusion: Every relationship means something.  The beautiful ones that you remember fondly, but also the craporama, awful, painful ones.  Maybe the shitastic ones have the biggest hands in shaping us into the person we're meant to be!  Who knows!

I'm not going to pretend to have the answer, it's just what's going on in my pretty little head today:)

 

Conversations with Crackheads: Thumper

Esther: So, are you dressed alright today or do we need an intervention??? Thank you for posting the pic by the way, I laughed out loud! (well, technically I screamed in horror first, then laughed)

 

Thumper: Teeheehee:) Yeah, I'm good today. No intervention needed today. Miriam called me and asked if I was in depression or something...I had a bad outfit on the day before too:)

 

Abigail: Actually, I didn't see it on FB... Matthew said "oh, you have to see PLs (Pastor Laura's) post... The picture at the end is hilarious!"

 

Thumper: Matthew calls me PL now too?? Sheesh!

 

Esther: I think Luke prefers "Thumper" so that's what he calls you.

 

Abigail: The entire community of Elmore & Woodville calls you Pastor Laura .... We are not scared of Pastor Jen when we miss Sunday school & church... We are scared of you!

 

Thumper: Good!! You should be!! It's exhausting praying for everyone by myself each Sunday!! ;)

God loves you even when you don't come to church.  I do, too! 
(But, I'll pick up your kids for Sunday School on Sunday:P)

 

What NOT to wear

When I wake up in the morning, I generally have a monster/two in my bed. 

Side Note: I'm over it wanting them out. It won't do any good to lecture me and tell me to take them back to their bed over and over and over again.  I need every minute of sleep I can get between the coughs and bad dreams and the random alarm that goes off on the radio in the kitchen and the thoughts that flood my head JUST as I lay down to sleep.  I'm over the fact that the monsters climb in bed at the wee hours, so don't bother to lecture me.

I attempt to shower and dress without waking whoever is occupying MY spot on the bed. I'm just going through the motions, really.  I lather, rinse, dry and dress without actually opening my eyes. I usually select whatever color I seem to have the most of clean in my closet and match it with something black.  Sometimes I opt for brown and rarely (when I haven't put away clothes in a few weeks) I pull out a pair of khaki pants.  Next, I put on eye liner and mascara.  (Mostly because I will have one less friend if I refuse to wear the makeup).  If I'm dropping the kids at Christina's house, I brush my hair before I walk out the door.  If not, I brush my wet mop on my commute.

Another side note: I am younger than everyone at my workplace by 10-30 years.  I gave up attempting to look my best each day about a month after I started working here. I quickly realized they didn't know if I was dressed in style or not. 

After I arrive at work, I gulp a cup of coffee AND finally, open my eyes. 

THIS IS THE RELFECTION TODAY WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR!!  EEEKKKKK!!! 

This outfit, it's just wrong on so many levels, I'm not going to even attempt to critique it.   Jen, please don't show this to your brother, he'll make me stop wearing skinny jeans today!

I'm not even pretending that I'm trendy or stylish on this blog OR in real life, but WOW.  This is bad!!!  Maybe I should look in the mirror BEFORE I walk out the door?  Eh, probably will not happen:)

GOOD THING I WORE A COAT TODAY AND I DON'T HAVE TO FACE ANYONE OUTSIDE, IN THE ACTUAL REAL WORLD!
What NOT to wear!


 

Let the RIGHT light shine through

Lately I'm having a difficult time letting the POSITIVE light shine through.  Instead I really just want to keep the good light to myself and get rid of all the negative light.   Selfishly, I think I can bundle up all of the beautiful light and bury it down deep inside for when I really need it again. 

When I do seem to share the light lately, it's not the beautiful light that I CAN spread when I am focused and determined to be a better person.  Instead, it's the blinding light.  The kind that blinds you when the sun catches the first snow just right and you can't see where you're going!  Have you ever realized when you're spreading the wrong kind of light?

It can be tiresome to offer a different opinion, to remind each other that nobody is perfect, to offer grace over judgment ALL THE TIME.  Sometimes I am mean and judgmental and gossipy.  Rather than defend people or offer a reason for their behavior...I join in.  I know, that's awful!  I'm aware that it's not nice.  I really am trying to be a better person, but sometimes the mean girl just slips out! TRUTH.

Then, I noticed one of my friends taking the high road.  Rather than join in, they distanced them self from the drama.  I WANT to do that the next time. 

I wonder if anyone else noticed my friend taking the high road and slipping away from the table nonchalantly?  I wonder if that's even more effective than trying to defend or remind or deflect to a subject of more value?  Their stand certainly caught me off guard and brought my poor behavior to my attention! 

Most of the time when I'm spreading the ugly glaring light, I'm picking on someone sitting at the same table as me.  HOPEFULLY they know that I'm joking with them when I point out something that they may be insecure about.  I am very bratty to some of my bestest friends on a regular basis, but that still doesn't make it right.  Simply because we are friends doesn't give me the right to share my ugly light with them.  They deserve the beautiful light, too! I should be spending my time building them up, not tearing them down. 

(Personally, I like it when they ask me if I have a birds nest in my hair when I'm wearing a pretty flower, but that's probably because I'm overly confident)

I'm going to have to work harder to let the beautiful light shine through, try not to be selfish and keep all the magnificent colors to myself and only let go of the ugly light. 

Big thanks to my friend for taking a stand.  I noticed and next time I'll try harder follow your lead!

Let the light shine through, but make sure it's the right kind of light. 

“As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” -Marianne Williamson

 

22 Day Countdown to Thanksgiving.

Day 1: TWEEZERS so that I don't have a uni brow or beard:)

Day 2: BEDTIME because some days I don't think I could make it later than 9pm with the monsters still living.

Day 3: ROAD TRIPS........but for two very different reasons!  I love to take road trips with my family because it usually means I'll finish a book or two.  Road trips with friends are equally as exciting because I get to be close, compact and connected with my soul sisters as we share our struggles and triumphs:)
Day 4: PERSONAL SHOPPERS I have a few personal shoppers. Generally, I do not ENJOY shopping, so they take care of me.  Today I'm wearing earrings that Heidi purchased for me because I needed something red and black for a concert last year. (I gave her one day notice;)) Ashley, Laura, Marci and Amy are sometimes called on when I need something, too.  After 9 hours of shopping, I'm super thankful that I have personal shoppers on call!!  I don't have to shop for myself either because my Mommy still buys most of my clothes and Amy's closet completes my wardrobe:)
Day 5: MULTIPLE BATHROOMS I am so sick of cleaning the toothpaste out of the sink twice a freaking day!  I can't wait until the kids bathroom is functioning again...the spit is out of sight to stopperbyers and I don't care if their sinks are full of toothpaste:)
Day 6: COACHES Ryan Travis and Aaron Hunt did a wonderful job coaching the girls soccer team.  All of the girls improved and were excited about soccer the entire season!  They did a great job communicating with the parents to make sure everything ran smoothly as well. Coaches in general, too.  Even bad ones are giving up their time to try to make youngsters play as a team and I think some people forget that.
Day 7: SAM.ADAMS.CHERRY.WHEAT.
Day 8: COUCHES  I'm not sure why I don't pick the spare bed, but when I pick to sleep on the couch, I can pretend NOT to hear the kids when they wake up in the middle of the night...like Aaron does 99.6% of the time!

Day 9: FREE TICKETS Thanks to the Cummings, I'm going on a date with my middle child.  She turned 5 today!!  Crazy!  Probably wouldn't have singled her out if we didn't have two tickets to a game. B-G-S-U
Day 10: CLOROX WIPES Sometimes in the business of life, there simply isn't time to clean the bathroom properly. 
Day 11: URBAN DICTIONARY hours of fun!
Day 12: COFFEE AND MAKEUP goodness, I need both badly today!
Day 13: FALSE THREAT OF SANTA NOT SHOWING FOR BAD CHILDREN
Day 14: RANDOM RUDOLPH SINGERS A man in a truck rolled down his window with Rudolph the Reindeer blasting on his radio.  He belted out in unison and I couldn't help but to laugh.  I told him Merry Christmas well before Thanksgiving!

Day 15: FRIENDS THAT ARE FAMILY A couple of my forever friends have family that doubles as my extended family.  I love them and I'm thankful for them. 
Day 16: MISTAKES BY THE HUBBY he allows me to poke fun at him and provides hours of entertainment. "Can you pick up a cake mix" Sure "This is ANGEL FOOD CAKE" yeah, so, it's confetti, like you like "AHHH, well, thanks for trying!"
Day 17: BIRTHDAY SLEEPOVER PARTY IS ONLY ONCE A YEAR Day 18: MEDICAL RELEASES- Ash can workout again!  Maybe my pants will fit again soon!?!
Day 19: FOR MY VALUE CITY UPBRINGING Luckily, I was raised on Value City.  I'm assuming that's the reason that I don't mind when all of my friends come over to my duct taped house that's falling apart. Or that I'm searching for a wedding band on etsy rather than a jewelers because we really can't afford a fancy new ring right now. 
Day 20: FACEBOOK  I was TOTALLY grumpy after waking, dressing, feeding and dropping the kids at the babysitter BEFORE 7am.  Wanted to break something when Aaron said they added to his schedule this week...AGAIN!  12's most of the week...and really crappy 12's to boot (3a-3pm)!  BUT then a bunch of women commented that they were frustrated too and it made me feel less alone.  Less want to break something.  By the end of the day I felt bad for my hardworking hubby and sad that the kids will not get to enjoy him, but not bitter.

Day 21: TRAINS, PLANES AND AUTOMOBILES NOT the movie.  The actual transporting devices.  Michigan, DC and Texas in the house tonight!:) Can't wait to have my house full of giggles and hugs and stories and YAY!  Love having so many of my friends in one place:)
Day 22: MY INABILITY TO COOK All I have to bring is sweet potato casserole tomorrow and for that I'm thankful:)



Best wishes for a safe and happy holiday.  Gobble gobble!

 

Conversations with Crackheads: Angel Food Cake

Earlier in the week I called Aaron while I was shopping at Meijer. 

Hey, do we have any cake mix?  I need to make one for Friday.

Yea, I bought one for your birthday, but your psycho friends made one so I didn't have to.

Ok, sounds good, see you soon.

Yesterday was a LONG day. At 8:30 I turned on the oven and searched for the cake mix. 

Honey, where is the cake mix?  Please tell me that this (holding the box of ANGEL FREAKING FOOD CAKE) isn't what you were talking about!!

Yea, that's it.

Ummm, this is angel food cake...NOT CAKE!!! (With a little, ok, a LOT of eye roll AND attitude)

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Ring, ring, ring.  Come on! Answer the phone!!

 

Message:  Hey, call me back, I need to know if I can make an angel food cake in this big annoying pan that I bought so that I could make the chocolate chip cake that you make except, well, you know how that turned out when I attempted to make that.  Call me!

 

*Shrug* It looks the same shape as an angel food cake, I'm sure it will work.  It says 10X4, that's what this thing is.  Pour, mix, dump, plop in the oven.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

Ring, ring, ring. 

 

Hey, what's up?

 

Never mind, I already decided to make it in the pan I found.

 

Oh no, what are you making?

 

Angel food cake for the girls birthday party tomorrow. My friend and her annoying husband are starting to laugh at this point in the conversation.

 

Ummm, what 8 year old likes spongy, angel food cake?

 

I calmly explain to her that my husband THOUGHT that since it looked like the confetti cake that I enjoy on the front of the box, that it was confetti cake, not ANGEL FOOD confetti cake!!  But, no worries, I'm sure it will turn out great!  And who cares? They're 8 year olds, they'll eat anything!

 

PLEASE TELL ME YOU SPRAYED THE PAN GOOD!! (WITH MORE ANNOYING LAUGHTER FROM HER AND THE PEANUT GALLERY AKA J)

 

No, it specifically said do not spray the pan!

 

OMG, Laura, that pan ALWAYS needs to be sprayed!! (WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN HER FACE FROM LAUGHTER).  I'll make them a cake!  What kind do they want?

 

Girls, do you want the cake Mommy made or do you want the other Laura to make you one?

 

No offense Mom, but can Laura make us one?  How about chocolate with chocolate frosting?

 

SURE! FINE! THAT'S FINE!

 

Just for the record.  The angel food cake turned out FINE!  (Okay, so I might have had to pull the spongy cake out of the pan and piece it together, but still;))

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

Happy Effing Friday

 

So, it's birthday party weekend so any downtime I'm going to need to work out the last minute details, but this post is for Keri since she's too cool for facebook:)

 

Happy Effing Friday!

All We Can Do is Keep Breathing

A couple times when my lover called last week, I had to remind myself to be strong.  I worked hard not to let my voice waiver as she drew upon my strength. When we were out shopping, I couldn't hide behind the telephone and I think she caught a few of the tears as they fell, but I hugged her and told her I loved her anyways. 

Her calls brought me directly back to my experiences with Hospice. I knew her fears, her worries, and the ending.  I would hang up the phone with her and listen to the song "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michealson and pray. I'm not sure if my prayers mirrored theirs?  I prayed for a safe exit.  I prayed for her family to stand united in their decisions and act with love and grace.  

I think they were probably praying for another good day, another good week.  I remember the roller coaster ride.  At the top of the hill I would pray for another peak; just give me one more day when he can talk to me.  At the bottom of the hill I would pray to end the suffering; don't make me witness this another day, not another hour, not another minute. 

When I listened to my friend, I didn't pray for one more day.  I prayed for a quick, safe exit with minimal suffering. Death is tough, but the roller coaster makes it worse.  She was called on a couple separate occasions: "this is it, come say goodbye" and then her uncle would rally. 

I remember calling my brother.  You should come home, J, I think it's time.  And then my Dad would wake up and talk to me about when I was younger or ask for my kids or tell me to go to work. Everyone would fill with excitement and hope, but the ending doesn't change when you agree to Hospice care.

All I could do was keep breathing as she would tell me about her fears, her worries.  They were mine only a couple of years ago. I wanted to reach through the phone and make it better, less painful, less real. 

But some things you simply can't make better.  Not even with the most perfect words.  Not even if you shop for hours to find the most perfect gift.  Not with the most sincere hug. 

Because the most perfect words aren't coming from the right person.  The perfect gift isn't from the one you just lost.  Everything stands still, but it's different.

As Thursday quickly approaches, I have to remind myself, "All we can do is keep breathing".  I have to remind myself so that I can remind my friend and her family, my extended family, that all they can do is keep breathing.

I need my lover to know that even though I don't hug as good or as tight or as perfectly as her uncle, I'm always here for one when she needs it.  I'm even willing to share my uncle with her because he gives really good hugs, too.  She said that's what she'll miss the most: his hugs.  What a perfect thing to be remembered for!!  HUGS: the perfect words, the perfect gift, the perfect love, all wrapped into a warm embrace. 

I need her family to know that they're welcome to a hug from me anytime, too.  And that even if  I let a few tears escape when I hand out the hugs, that I'm lending you all my strength, too.  Because you did the same for me, until I could breathe again without reminding myself to do it.

In Tom's very words, from his obituary linked below, "Don't cry for me, I'm the lucky one. I get to go home. I didn't fight cancer for the past year. I lived my life to the fullest and enjoyed every day God gave me. I'm going to see my daughter Jennifer. My mom and dad will be there to greet me and I can finally find out if dad has been doing any farming in Heaven. I'll now have the time to chum around with my buddy Jack Wagner and see how much trouble he's gotten into. The hardest part of leaving is saying goodbye, after that it should be smooth sailing. If you want to see me again accept God's plan of salvation, it's the only way to enter into the gates of Heaven. I want every one of my family and friends there, so please don't let me down, it's going to be so great."

 

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/toledoblade/obituary.aspx?n=thomas-burdge&pid=161037244#fbLoggedOut

 

 

Until we get there,

All we can do is keep breathing.

 

Breathe in, breathe out, move on.

I have family and friends dealing with actual problems.  Addiction, depression, death, sadness. 

None of their stories are mine to tell.

This one is.

I get hives when I'm stressed.  When I'm stressed, I can't sleep.  When I can't sleep, my mind is unkind.  It wanders.  It's unsatisfied.  It doesn't turn off.  When I can't turn my mind off, it chases thoughts that I don't want to follow. My chest feels heavy and a hive appears.

Lately it's a vicious cycle.  I started working out again and that does seem to help some, but I'm still getting the hives.  The knot in my shoulder is still aching; a constant reminder that I'm unable to release all of the anxiety.

The thing is, I don't have one thing that I should be stressed about, yet the ugliness is still there.  I'm quick tempered with the kids and they're whiny because they haven't been sleeping well either.  I thought the weekend away with my girls would do the trick, but when I returned home, I was still snapping over nothing.

We were the normal busy all week, but instead of running myself ragged trying to maintain the house during the madness, I went to bed with the kids...every.single.night. except Thursday!  Instead of cleaning, I cuddled.  Instead of girls night with my girlfriends, I spent girls night with my baby girl.  Instead of laundry, I went to the park with my baby boy.  I helped a stranger with her baby at a baby shower.  I let tears fall in front of 500 people as I prayed for a cure. I squeezed my friends hand because I needed her to know that I'm here while she misses her loved one.  I went to church and listened to the wise words that my friend always offers.

And you know what?

All of us are feeling better now.

The monsters just needed their Mommy to be present. I just needed to relax.  Take a deep breath.  Pray.

Now that I'm feeling better, I'm more aware of the importance of rest. Good thing I'm feeling rested and ready to conquer the world...birthday sleepovers, family fun party, and family outings to finish off the birthday month!!

PS:  There are a couple people that think I can do it all.   Just so you know, I sent rice crispy treats in for Camille's birthday.  Plain.old.ricecrispytreatswithafewsprinklesontop.  Not a cute pinterest treat, not even cupcakes.  Melted butter and marshmallow mixed with cereal.  I plan to do the same for Keegan AND Lilly. (I bet the kids don't notice the difference;))

Source: katsdailyinspiration.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

Is it all an act?

This weekend was amazeballs. I skipped and hopped and twirled and laughed my way through a nine hour day of shopping. Admittedly, I was OVER it after 8 hours and started whining a little, but 9 hours is extreme, even for people that love to shop!

During conversation with a couple of my besties this weekend, I told them that I was going to learn to sew. (Not like actually create a piece of clothing (and certainly not make a freaking costume like Mel), but, you know, run-a-hem-in-pants type of sew;)). They said they would like to learn, too.

I said, "Well, great! When my friend comes over to teach me, you can come, too!"

I don't think she would like the "you" that you are around me. (and my other friend agreed)

Hmmmmph. (That's the sound of deflation)

I dismissed the statement quickly while hiding most of my sadness at that thought in, but hmmmmph, it's still there, in the back of my mind.

Well, crap! Do I act differently around different groups of friends? Why would she not like the "me" I am when I'm with another circle of friends? How do they think I act when I'm with other people?

So, now I'm trying to digest this thought. I like to think the answer is no, I don't act differently around different circles. BUT two of the people that know me better than most think that I do. Hmmmppph.

Both of the hoochies that I went shopping with are very good at knocking me down a few notches when I need it AND building me up when I need a step ladder. Either way, it's good to reflect and think about who you are and what you believe from time to time.

Is it an act? Am I being myself? Or the people pleaser that is often expected out of me? Who "gets" to see the real me? Who is the real me? 

In the end, the one looking back in the glass is who you end the day with; the one you have to be satisfied with when the day is done.  I'm still working on the person that I see when I look in the mirror. She still needs a lot of work, but I'm trying!

 

 

 

 

 

 

150

Recently, while hanging out with my lover, who certainly qualifies as one of my 150+ stable social relationships, she told me that she heard that any one person can only have 150 meaningful relationships.  She continued her statement with: "if this is true, you're effed!":)

Anyways, I looked it up:)

Per wikipedia: Dunbar's number is a suggested cognitive limit to the number of people with whom one can maintain stable social relationships.  These are relationships in which an individual knows who each person is, and how each person relates to every other person. No precise value has been proposed for Dunbar's number. It has been proposed to lie between 100 and 230, with a commonly used value of 150.

Ok, so hmmm, 150.  I'm going to base my experiment on a 2 week period of interaction via telephone, text, email, face to face or private messaging.  Not, scroll through, read the first sentence of your rant and become instantly annoyed with your complaining and move on type of interaction. Not simply "good morning" at church, but actual interaction, on a regular basis. 

I've had my phone for almost 2 weeks now (YAY!! I LOVE MY NEW PHONE:)).  I have messages from 70 different friends.  If you include my call history, there are another 10/15 that are not included in the text number first mentioned.  5 co-workers.  5/8 regular Bible Study attendees. 10/15 church friends that I talk to outside of church on a regular basis.  5 friends that I sit with each Monday at gymnastics. 15 family members that I talk to at least every two weeks. 5 out of state phone buddies that I bitch about life to on my commute to and from work.  Well, what about all the kids in my life, do I count them?  If you count my 10 closest friends, that adds about 25 kids to the mix.  What about the kids I force to talk to me every Sunday, add another 5 to the mix.

I reached the magic number 150 pretty easily and I didn't really have to exercise my brain. That's without looking at facebook (and we all know how I LOVE to fb;)) or my friends' family that I love and care for.  Or how about my extended family?  Or friends that I'm closer to during soccer or softball or volleyball?  What about the friends that you don't talk to forever and then pick up right where you left off?   Oh, that doesn't include my own husband and monsters;)

I think it's certainly possible to maintain more that 150 stable relationships at once.  Sometimes that means that you will be exhausted and might not want to attend a birthday party or a baby shower, but you do it anyways. Or heaven forbid, you might not want to visit with your very own family at the end of a long weekend, but you can't tell them no!

It's certainly not for everyone, but it's possible.

What do you think? Do you agree with Dunbar or do you have space in your heart for more than 150 people?

PS:  I completely understand the need to recharge and this is probably why I'm not actually "Effed"...even though I maintain more than 150 meaningful relationships.  I snuck a vacation day in today because I needed to recharge and reconnect.  I didn't tell any of my friends or family until that day that I was taking off to spend time with them.  I didn't make a million different plans.  I didn't play on my cool new phone.  I waited until everyone was sleeping to write. I simply focused on the relationships that are most important to me and I'm pretty sure they enjoyed my surprise vacation day as much as I did:) 

PPS: My lover and her family (even though she doesn't particularly want to try to disprove Dunbar's number) could use some prayers.  Since I love her, I'm more than willing to share my prayer warriors, (you know, the more than 150 of you that click on the blog when I post it to facebook;)).  Please pray for her aunts and uncles as they fight the super yucky diseases they are up against.

PPPS: I could use a few more prayers while we're on the subject! For a few children that I know dealing with tough family lives...and a few more for a facebook friend that is living her life here while her husband serves out his 39 weeks of service in foreign territory (praying nightly, Becky!).

When you need prayers, it's wonderful to know that you have more 150 meaningful prayers coming your way;)

PPPPS: Funny post about another persons attempt to disprove Dunbar's number (he failed...and I'm sure I would too if I tried his experiment:))
http://www.wired.com/underwire/2012/03/dunbars-number-facebook/

Two Years!

THANK you, from the very bottom of my broken heart!

Without the

Overwhelming support from all of

YOU,

Everything

About the last two years

Really would have

Sucked much worse.

 

I received many texts, emails, and calls from my caring friends this month.  The most recent text read: "I love you Laura Leigh!  A little extra in October!", but each one of the messages made me smile.  Each call and every message made me feel a little less alone in my struggle with October.  I cannot thank you all enough for all of the love and support that was lended to me when I needed it.

You can have it all back now. 

I'm ok.  I'm not bitter.  I'm not angry.  I no longer think of my Dad dying as a punishment of some sort.

When I think of him now, the majority of the memories bring a smile to my face.  The memories of his final days have slowly been replaced with loving moments that happened during the slow demise of my hero in his earthly form.  My biggest struggle now is witnessing my Mom when she's unable to mask her pain.  When I pull in my Uncle's driveway, I anxiously await my huge embrace, but it doesn't take my breath away anymore.  We both miss his fiesty, know it all, arguments, but we made it through the pain and didn't let it make us bitter.

I catch my breath more quickly these days.  I am a stronger person now than I was two years ago and even a year ago.  I know my Dad smiles down on me often. 

I still miss him.  I always will.  But, I don't need your strength anymore.  It's time to give someone else the space you've been holding for me.   Thank you so very much for lending it to me.  You will never know how much you all mean to me!


Hey Dad,

Some of things you might have missed when you're busy eating cake saturated in heavenly milk:

Coffee stained teeth...I am coffee drinker in my old age. Sandals until it snows...Keegan's going to be just like you. Pass the milk...we try to stop by and keep in contact when life allows us to. Eat the cream corn...Aaron does his best to make me eat my gross veggies. Don't forget your mom's birthday...I don't.

The blue, blue eyes that you passed to your most stubborn grandchild doesn't stop me from wanting to beat him when he's rotten.  He is enjoying preschool, all of his girlfriends, and whines a lot. He asks about you often. Sometimes dying in general, sometimes he tests his reasoning skills and attempts to connect how you are related to all of us. It's hard for Mom to answer all of his "Why's".

Say/do things without thinking of the consequence, apologize later...Camille MUST have inherited this from you, certainly not me!  She loves soccer, she even claims to be the best on her team.  She cares for her babies like they're real, she's an early riser, and she hates to leave my side.   She asks about you most of the time when she's tired and randomly remembers things about you that I'm completely shocked by.

Mr. Ugly Bear sleeps with Lilly every night, but she's more of a quiet comfort person already.  She rarely brings up the missing/confusing feelings of loss, but jumps up to hug Keegan when he tells us that he's sad and missing you.   She is empathetic and loving and giggly and fun and crazy and has fun doing any activity.  She looks just like me.
 

Sometimes life isn't fair, live it anyways...we are doing our best. 

Please know that on your angelversary I will be busy during the church service. The demands of the children under my supervision might be enough distraction that I'll be able to hold back the tears.  Even if  I'm able to maintain a steady breath and keep the tears behind the wall, I will still be missing you. I will also be thankful that you can breathe easy again.

Sometimes I can't believe it has ALREADY been two years.  Sometimes I can't believe it's ONLY been two years. 

Always, I wish I could pick up the phone one more time and hear your voice.  Always, when I smell a man wearing Obsession cologne, I look around as if you'll miraculously be there. Always, I wish I could watch you read to the kids one more time, even if you did mix up the words.  Always, I wish Lilly could throw up on you again.  Always, I wish you could sit in my backyard on my glider and watch them run and play and swing and shine bright like the sun, right next to me, watching proudly.  Always, I love you. Always, I miss you. 

Lots less tears, lots more smiles, lots and lots of love,

Laura Leigh

Oh, my babies have grown so much in two years, it's just crazy! They miss you too!