Mustard Seed

Last week, after I told my radiologist that I was having headaches, I went in for a MRI.  I have a couple wisdom teeth that have decided to attempt to squish themselves into my already overcrowded mouth.  I explained my headaches away as the result of the impacted wisdom teeth.  Dr. Ahuja thought we should be safe and get a MRI to check it out...just to make sure.

On Tuesday he called and said the MRI indicates some abnormal activity in my skull base and spine and would like me to have a bone scan.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Ok, I'll be there.)

My co-worker brought me a mustard seed.  With tears in his eyes, he told me to hold on tight to my faith.  Let's move this mountain. 

Matthew 17:19-21 Jesus Heals a Boy with a Demon
…19Then the disciples came to Jesus privately and said, "Why could we not drive it out?" 20And He said to them, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you. 21"But this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting."

 So, Friday morning I went for the bone scan. 

 In and out of the tube.  In and out of the thoughts running wild in my head.

 Think of Florida, the beach was so perfect and so relaxing when I went last year with the bearded man.  I don't have any new pain.  I don't have any new signs or symptoms other than a mild headache.  This can't be happening!!

 But, I watched the screen as the rad tech snapped his fingers to "Only the Good Die Young".  (NO, I'm NOT shitting you.  This song was playing and he was actually snapping his fingers to the beat.  I pictured him behind me dancing.  I wanted to scream: I'm 33!! Aren't you looking at the imaging!?! I can see the spots, can't you!?! STOP SINGING!!!)

 And the test went ON AND ON AND ON.  When he said he needed more shots of my hips, I said something like: yeah, I saw the hot spots while you were scanning.  He tried to explain that he is just very thorough.  I promptly called him a liar.

I have read the report.  I have multiple hot spots on my bones.  On my 33 year old bones, there are hot spots where cancer is growing.  They are called bone mets.

Fuck cancer.

Last night was the second most difficult day of my life.  I told my beautiful little babies that the cancer is back.  This time they know what it entails and had many more questions.

Will you die?

Does this run in our family?

Who will take care of us if you die?

Will you lose your hair again?

Will you be weak? Can we still hug you and cuddle you?  Will you tell our teachers in case we are sad? Can I tell my friends so that they can comfort me?

So.many.questions.

So.few.answers.

So many tears.  Never enough years.

Right now, we are still on the way up a VERY big hill on this rollercoaster.  I have a petscan tomorrow to see if the (#*$&#)@(*$& cancer cells are growing anywhere else.  I have appointments to come up with a plan of action Thursday and Friday. 

The plan is no longer in hopes of a cure, but the extension of quality life with my loved ones.  I know multiple woman living with metastatic breast cancer for many, many years.  I plan to be one of them and will continue to hope and pray for a cure in the meantime.

I have yelled at God. I have questioned why!!

But, I have decided it will do much more good if I relax and talk to him instead.  Tell him all of the many reasons I need him to cure me. That I need Him to give me more time here.  I have so much I want to do still and say.

Please join me.  Talk to Him.  Tell Him we need more time. Even if your faith is as tiny as that little mustard seed in the picture above. Hold tight to faith.


Hope-Faith-Love

XOXO,