Not Alone

Not alone.

 

“How do you do it?”  …..  “I could never do what you do!” ……  

These are statements that fall on my ears almost daily. As if I am some sort of super hero or worse, something foreign or weird.   Believe me when I say I am a far cry from a super hero. I promise I am human (which I guess can make me a little weird at times).  With my human status comes all kinds of traits: I love/I dislike, I hug/I push, I comfort/I yell, I’m happy/I get mad, and many, many more, more that I am sure we all have at some point possessed.   I used to answer those questions and comments with “I don’t know” or “I often wonder the same thing myself”.    

​See here recently (1 year, 6 months and 11 days ago, but who’s counting), my life changed dramatically.  My husband and I took a leap of faith and completed the process to become licensed foster/adoptive parents.  We started with the intention of just adopting; we too had similar feelings that may be creeping up on you just at the word foster.  Take in a child and then just give it back??   How could I ever do that?  Well after completing the training, our minds shifted gears. That is one of the human traits I am thankful for: the ability to change my mind.  

We found out the alarming need for foster families and our hearts changed. At the time we became approved to foster, we were home number 10 for Sandusky Co.  Believe me when I tell you the need is WAY WAY WAY WAY bigger than 10!!   I think a few more have been added since, but still nowhere near enough.  So we decided to take a risk and switch to just foster and respite (baby sit for other foster parents).  We received a call to do a weekend respite for a brother(3)/sister(6) pair a few weeks before receiving our license.   

Holy crap!  I fell head over heels for those little duckies. My heart screamed loud and clear, THESE WILL BE YOUR KIDS ONE DAY!!!!   This can’t be happening to me, I don’t know anything about them, they could be headed back to their parents, they could have family stepping up, their foster parents could also feel like I do, who wouldn’t?  “Self, calm down, trust the system, they will get the best home for them”.    

Then a little over a month and a few turn downs later, we accepted our foster placement: an almost 6 year old little girl and her 4 year old brother.   *Side note, if this is a journey you ever decide to start, know exactly what you will and can accept and handle.  We knew with both of us working full time we could not give proper care to a baby or a child with special needs.  School age was our calling and we stuck to it.  A well thought out placement is less likely to be disrupted (children removed from your home).*  Three months later we received the call that their older sister, then 7, could no longer stay with the family member that was trying to help.  

 In the mean time, the first two duckies  from the respite stay were still weighing heavy on my heart.  They were coming to visit any chance I had to have them with us. 

And there you have it- BAM!! Family of 3, (me, my husband, and my 10 year old son) now a family of 8!!!   1 year, 6 months and 11 days after official license date here I stand, here WE stand.  We are in the process of adopting the 2 from respite and still going strong fostering a sibling group of three.  

I don’t know what is going to happen to them, but I do know the time they have and will spend with me has been nothing less than amazing.  I believe I have learned more from all of them than any schooling or class could ever teach, and I can only hope they have learned just as much.

How do I do it?   I finally learned the answer to this mysterious question.  And you know what...I don’t!  At least not alone.  

WE do it.  We, being the support system I am surrounded by. A support system I am oh so thankful for. A system that I have seen fail for too many people.  My kids' parents love their children; they didn’t choose the sour life that fell upon them.  No one wakes up and says “Hey, I think I will become a drug addict today” or “you know today is a good day to not provide for my kids”.  

 

People often wonder how I can stick up for them, the kids' parents?  Well, I have seen the desperate look in their eyes.  I have even been told “Thank you, you are the only person that has ever made me feel like I can do this and get better”. ME??  The only person!  How can this be?  Where was her support system?  

Well, I met them, her support system, not too long ago...at her funeral.  Most of her "support system people" were still floating on the same boat she sadly fell from. They were suffering from a vicious cycle that is plaguing our community.  A cycle that needs to be broken!  A cycle that no one can defeat alone.

Embrace your system, nurture it.   I don’t and could never be a biological, foster, adoptive, whatever label you want to throw in front of it, parent, alone.   We do it.  

Me, my amazing husband, our parents, our siblings, their spouses, our nieces, our cousins, our friends, the school system, the day care, the 4H leaders, the coaches, the church, the neighbors, the grocery store clerk or waitress that always compliments them and smiles so sweetly, and so forth.   I could go on forever, as long as I am not alone. If you ever feel like you don’t have a support system, become someone’s, chances are you already are.  No one can do it alone.   Together we can do anything!! Together, our community can rise above and break this cycle.  

Sincerely,  

A thankful Momma Duck of 6

(P.s.  to anonymous community member, your selfless gift brought up a conversation where I learned 2 of my duckies have never even been to a theater before!!!  Oh the joy they all will receive brings tears to my eyes)

The more we take, the less we become!

 "The more we take, the less we become.
The fortune of one, means less for some."

 -Sarah McLachlan

I wasn't going to share this story with you.  Not because I don't think that it's worthy of writing about or because it's not important.  I guess to be honest, sometimes I FEEL (nobody actually says things like this to me;)) like when I write, people think I'm doing it for attention or because I feel like the way I give is better/more important than the way "you" give or I don't know?!?  I know it's MY insecurities that I'm allowing to leak into my brain, but surprisingly, I am human.

But, then I told my adult Sunday school class the story I'm about to share with you and with tear filled eyes, they decided they wanted to do something like this for another family in our community.  And I thought to myself, "Get over your doubts and fears and write a freaking post already!!" See, when I go a month/two without posting, it's usually because I'm feeling vulnerable/misunderstood/insecure.  (PLEASE DON'T POST LAURA GUSH COMMENTS BECAUSE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME!  I feel fine, just normal demons in my own pretty little head that everyone else fights, but doesn't write/talk about!)

Anyways, back to the post. The more we take, the less we become.

Last week, a friend emailed me and asked if I knew of any families that I felt deserving of a little extra Christmas cheer.  This friend offered me $250 to spend on making Christmas a little more manageable for a family AND to give an experience they might not otherwise have the opportunity to have.

HOW AWESOME!! I was and am so honored that this friend trusted me to select a family:) And how AMAZINGLY SELFLESS TO GIVE TO A FAMILY ANONYMOUSLY.

Anyways, with the cash in hand, I thought about something that a family of EIGHT might not get to do often.  So, I bought $100 to the movie theater.  I also purchased a $25 gift card for each monster.  I used Aaron's money (he's working 12's while I'm working very little due to the latest surgery;)) to put together a basket of movie night themed fun.

This family of 8, let me tell you a little about them.  You may know some of them, but probably don't know much about their story if you do...

 Once upon a time there was a family of three.  The very loving parents decided to sign up to be foster parents. FOSTERING is so important.  I always think about it.  (Aaron loves when I even mention fostering children;))  I struggle with the fact that IF the biological mom/dad cleans up, that you have to give the child(ren) back! I can't imagine having a child(ren) live with me, love me, and then give them back to their (often useless) parent.  It's heartbreaking to think of...let alone live! 

I have made these types of statements to the mother of the family.  Bluntly she has told me that if she didn't give them this love and support, who would!?!  There are more children in the system than they have foster parents enrolled.  Temporary homes that the children are bounced back and forth between until they find foster care and then what? Wait to see if the biological donor can get clean? Hope to have the child adopted?  Hope to have the child adopted with their sibling/five siblings?  Who can financially and emotionally take on an additional six children?

So, this amazing family of three started fostering half of the six children.  In the meantime they fell in love with another set of siblings and have since finalized the adoption of two additional littles.  For the time being, their family of eight is happy and healthy.  The mother loves ALL of the six "duckies" (as she refers to them) as if she carried them all in her belly and was there for their first cry and first smile.  These children: the biological, adopted and fostered, are all so loving and kind.  

When I walk into the school (yes, they live right here in this community!) they run up to me and hug me as if this is the first time seeing a forever friend in many years.  Every.single.time. they run up to hug me, I get a paper cut in each eyeball. I think of how they started out in this crazy world.  How drugs and alcohol have permanently scarred these beautiful, loving children.  As I think of what will happen next for the three in foster care, it makes me physically ill.

BUT, right now, they are happy and healthy and I am BLESSED BEYOND WORDS to know them and be a teeny, tiny part of their lives. 

So, this weekend, I invited this family that I hold dear over for a play date.  (Not many people are brave enough to invite a family of 8 over for a play date, it turns out.  If you have ever thought about hosting one, I'll have you know that my house was restored to pre-play date (cluttered mess) within a half hour of them exiting the door. They are all very helpful and willing to pick up when it's time to leave...oh and they say please and thank you for everything and their hugs are only second place to my own little monsters...and I'm a tad partial to my own monster family;))

I waited for a window of time that it was only the mother and I in the room.  I gave her the card with a loving note thanking her for all that her and her hubby do.  She said that they have NEVER taken the entire family to the movie theater at one time.  One of the duckies has NEVER been to the theater!  She hugged me just like her little duckies hug me when I see them.  She asked me to pass along their endless gratitude to the family that offered them such an amazing gift.  Thank you, dear anonymous selfless givers.  MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!

http://sanduskycountydjfs.org/cmsms/index.php?page=Adoption-and-Foster-Care

Thank you to this mother and father that so willingly give love and kindness to all of their duckies.  Thank you to ALL of the foster and adoptive parents for all you do. Thank you to all who give selflessly from the heart.

I was listening to Sarah on my way into work today and couldn't help but to think about how I feel so full when I give, yet I feel so empty when I take.  

This CHRISTmas season, give more than you take.  You will be so proud of the person you become when you give back.

 "The more we take, the less we become. The fortune of one, means less for some."

All my love,

FOCUS!!

FOCUS!!

For goodness sake
Oh my golly-gee
Circus would describe my brain
Understanding the random thoughts is impossible
Seriously, need to FOCUS!!


So, as you prepare for a surgery, it's kind of like nesting.  You think of everything you would normally do in a month and cram it into a weeks time.  Ok, this might not be how NORMAL people prepare, but it's the way I do.

This week is crazy-busy because of it, so OF COURSE life happens.

Tonight, after the job I get paid for, I picked up monster #1 from extra curricular activity #5,396,391.  On the way, I received a call from my overly exhausted (#@(%$)&@# swing shit) husband: "Keegan just stepped on a nail and it went through his shoe into his foot."

WONDERFUL, he's covered, he has a tetanus vaccine recently, how bad is it?  Ok, he'll live?  Move on.

Hop in #1, we have to run errands.  Stop to drop off softball equipment that SHOULD have been turned in, ohhhhhhh 4 months ago.  (That was moved to the attic, ohhhhhh, two days ago.  After Aaron worked all night I stopped him in the garage, uuuhhhhh, honey, I need that equipment down.  Yes, right now.  Yes, I know you JUST put it up there.  Yes, I will get the same equipment back next spring:))

Ok, now we are going to get Papa's truck and get some hand-me-down furniture for Camille's room.  Yes, Uncle Paul, a skirt and dress shoes are currently approved as proper furniture moving clothes.  No, I will not speed in your awesome truck.  What?  No, I didn't know it had a Hemi...see ya later!! We'll be back when the tank is empty:)

*** Super big thanks to the Drossel family for the awesome desk and hutch and to Gary Thatcher for helping me unload:)

Ring, ring: What, Camille doesn't feel well?  Ok, well let's just eat at home then.  I'll be home after I drop off Uncle Paul's truck.

What's the matter, honey?  Ok, well, eat some dinner and then go lay down with Daddy.  Hopefully you just need some rest.

Keegan, sweet boy, it's Nov. 5th, we do NOT have to have the entire reading log completed!! FINE, one more book.

Oh, my gosh, you have GOT to be kidding me!! Keegs, honey, I think Bruce went to heaven. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. COMPLETE BREAKDOWN.  I don't want Bruce to go to heaven. He's my fishy. How am I going to live without him?  I'm going to miss him so much.  SOBBING for 45 minutes until I FINALLY got him to sleep. 

Oh, that laundry and dishes that needed done?  Not happening.  I'll try again tomorrow!! 

So, if I seem A LITTLE preoccupied when you run into me this week, it's because I'm mentally making lists of the things that need done before I have surgery.  Slightly overwhelmed;)

----------------------------

Yes, this is a planned surgery.  Nothing new is going on with my young body other than I was FINALLY toning my flab and able to workout. SOOOOOOOOOO, of course it's time for another surgery!!

I'm having my tissue expanders (the things they put in to allow foob expansion over time) taken out and replaced with more permanent implants. A couple of my warrior friends joined me for the final foob pump up and surgery pep talk. * Ok, it was more  Laura yelling at doctor for not doing the surgery he went to school for the way she wanted talk, but you know, ya win some, ya lose some.* Thanks so much for joining me, Rhiannon and Heidi!  Great conversations and new friendships...a couple of my favorite things:)

Anyways, it's an outpatient surgery, so it will be less invasive that the first surgery.  I'm not nervous or scared for the pain, just pissed that I have to start this recovery period baloney over again!!!

Ok, I have to FOCUS on SLEEP so I can get more accomplished tomorrow!!

Surgery nesting isn't as fun as baby nesting, but I guess Aaron gets a new toy to play with.  They claim the new foobs will feel much more real than the rock-like expanders that I have now;)

Just in case you wondered what happens when you leave your phone unattended OR if the Foob talk wasn't enough for you today, here is a nipple picture for your viewing pleasure:)

No, when I had nips, they were NOT this hairy!! :)


XOXO,