Tuesday, October 19, 2010
It is odd for me to feel as if I am the one carrying the burden. It is strange and rather uncomfortable for me to ask for help. Thankfully, in nearly all times of trial and tribulation thus far in my life, I have always been the one to offer support. I have always been the one that holds it together.
When I was only seventeen, heaven gained a beautiful, energetic, opinionated, loving teen-angel. An angel that so many people loved. An angel that could light up a room with her smile or clear it out with a simple expression on her face. An angel with a laugh that was infectious, one that even on your worst days and even if you tried to remain in a bad mood, you would have to succumb to her smile and join her in laughter. An angel that was a daughter, sister and friend. Though I still look back and think it's unfair, that she was supposed to be a teenager, not a teen-angel, I was able to find comfort in my beliefs about Heaven.
Her mother asked me to sing at her funeral and told me how much her angel baby loved to hear me sing. How could I say no to a grieving mother who lost her daughter so tragically? Even after calling my best friend and telling her that her best friend had been part of a deadly accident. After listening to her scream and drop the phone. After a long night of holding my closest friends as they sobbed and sobbed. After witnessing every single one of my teachers line up with tears running down their face as they said their goodbyes to my sweet friend. After walking past her mother and watching her heart breaking in front of me.
I walked to the balcony of the standing room only church, held the hand of the friend ready to sing with me, looked at our music teacher that was so respected by our angel friend and the music started. We belted the high parts because that's what Shannon would have wanted. I made it through the entire song in memory of Heavens Newest Angel. When the song was over, I leaned over the balcony. I could see my friends, classmates, teachers and her family trying to simply make it through this day. This day that nobody wants to imagine or experience and all I could think of was their sorrow, their pain.
Only months and years after the accident did I allow myself to feel the pain. The rush of emotions flooding my mind when I least expected them- when I heard a song that she liked, or witnessed another families worst nightmare coming true, or hearing the news that her mother had been diagnosed with the dreaded C word. I have always been the one to hold it together until I can find the time and place to mourn my loss alone.
I do not like to carry my burden where people can see it, but right now I can feel it. I find myself comforting others and feeling their pain as they look at my Daddy and think of my family. When my parents' friends stop by to drop off food or visit, they are usually the ones that leave in tears.
The character traits that I possess are a mixture of my mother, father, family and friends, but this rock-like trait is from my momma. She has asked me many times recently if she is (or if we) are heartless. We rarely breakdown and cry. We continue to laugh and enjoy each others company. We give my Dad sips of water in a medicine dropper like it's normal. We change his clothes like we have done it our entire lives.
Tonight as I read passages from The Bible I relate most to Matthew 11:25-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I read it and feel renewed. I understand that the way I mourn, or my coping mechanism I suppose, is to feel the sorrow of others. I understand that in my time I will feel my sorrow when I least expect it, it will come rushing in like the tide. Just as it has so many times before. When I turn on the radio, or look at a scrapbook, or watch one of my children turn into a monster when they have not eaten. I find comfort knowing that when this time comes, He will give me rest. Today I feel gentle and humble in my heart.
As I proof this post it is around noon on October 19th, my Mom called in with the update. There is nothing new to report. His pulse remains steady and he only had a couple bites for breakfast this morning. I continue to pray for his peace and comfort and feel overly grateful for the support you have all given.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Daddy's Girl
Daddy's Girl
Today I am feeling exceptionally calm considering the tornado that is swirling around my head. Usually this means "the calm before the storm", but my shoulders are aching with tension so I'm going to take the moment to be thankful.
We went on vacation with our friends this weekend. We went to a quaint little cottage on a lake that didn't have much to do but relax. I had been looking forward to spending time with my children, Ron and some of our best friends since we scheduled the trip. We haven't had much time with just our family recently and we were all anxiously awaiting the getaway.
I knew that the trip would not go as planned. Lately nothing seems to. I told a couple of my friends that I was looking forward to it; therefore, something would happen to prevent me from going. We planned to leave after school on Thursday. My dad fell and broke his other hip Thursday afternoon. Once I loaded the van and kids, I assisted my Mom and Uncle Paul in getting my Dad back to our house and comfortable. I did not know that his hip was broken, but had strong notion that something was.
My brother was already planning to come home the following day so we decided to go ahead with our planned vacation. We had already planned to take two vehicles so that I could come home if necessary. Now it would certainly be necessary. I ended my vacation early to see my dad before surgery and be there to support my mom before during and after, but not before I relearned a very important lesson.
Two of my best friends have deadbeat dads. Honestly, this is the very best term I can use (I would describe them with much more disgust, but the fact remains that they are still their fathers and I am not entitled to write the things I really feel for them). Luckily, both of them have absolutely wonderful, strong and caring mothers that raised them to be truly unmatched friends, sisters, daughters and mothers. Both of my friends mothers were very fortunate to eventually find a good man to share their lives with and contribute to raising their wonderful daughters, but not before they struggled to support their children and comfort them for many years all alone.
To this day my friends have so many questions. How can someone leave their children? Did they really forget my birthday? Why doesn't my dad care about me? All of my friends fathers are teaching them how to ride a bike, why isn't my dad? How can they not want to watch me cheer at a football game? Why don't they want to see me all dressed up for homecoming? Why are his adopted children listed as his children, but not me or my sister?
Knowing that my heart is breaking right now, knowing that I can barely catch my breath these days, knowing that I am worried sick about my father laying in the hospital bed in agony, my friend thinks about all of these things. With tear-filled eyes she tells me how lucky I am. How lucky I am that I can say proudly that I am a Daddy's Girl. That I can remember him teaching me to ride a bike. I can remember him sitting in the stands, swollen with pride as he watched all my sporting events. I can remember him picking me up at two in the morning when my prom date failed me. I can remember when he bailed me out. I can remember when he brought me flowers when I delivered Lilly and how he called me crying because he was out of town when I had Camille. He couldn't wait to meet my children. I can remember how excited Keegan is to sit in Pipi's lap or how he used to tickle torture Lilly before he was too sick.
Today and always, so much love and my endless support to my dear friends for reteaching me this lesson when it was so needed. So very sorry that your sperm donors made you feel inadequate because you are not. It is truly their loss. So very thankful that your mothers are so wonderful and were able to raise you all to be such strong women.
I have a lifetime of memories that my father will leave me with. I am blessed to be married to someone that offers my children the same love and support that I received. Always willing to read them a book or tickle torture them. I am very fortunate to say the least.
So, today I am choosing to be thankful that I am a Daddy's Girl. I am thankful to have such wonderful friends that are willing to teach me from the pain they have endured. Even though I can feel my heart breaking as the cancer continues to take over my Dads body, I am thankful.
Today I am feeling exceptionally calm considering the tornado that is swirling around my head. Usually this means "the calm before the storm", but my shoulders are aching with tension so I'm going to take the moment to be thankful.
We went on vacation with our friends this weekend. We went to a quaint little cottage on a lake that didn't have much to do but relax. I had been looking forward to spending time with my children, Ron and some of our best friends since we scheduled the trip. We haven't had much time with just our family recently and we were all anxiously awaiting the getaway.
I knew that the trip would not go as planned. Lately nothing seems to. I told a couple of my friends that I was looking forward to it; therefore, something would happen to prevent me from going. We planned to leave after school on Thursday. My dad fell and broke his other hip Thursday afternoon. Once I loaded the van and kids, I assisted my Mom and Uncle Paul in getting my Dad back to our house and comfortable. I did not know that his hip was broken, but had strong notion that something was.
My brother was already planning to come home the following day so we decided to go ahead with our planned vacation. We had already planned to take two vehicles so that I could come home if necessary. Now it would certainly be necessary. I ended my vacation early to see my dad before surgery and be there to support my mom before during and after, but not before I relearned a very important lesson.
Two of my best friends have deadbeat dads. Honestly, this is the very best term I can use (I would describe them with much more disgust, but the fact remains that they are still their fathers and I am not entitled to write the things I really feel for them). Luckily, both of them have absolutely wonderful, strong and caring mothers that raised them to be truly unmatched friends, sisters, daughters and mothers. Both of my friends mothers were very fortunate to eventually find a good man to share their lives with and contribute to raising their wonderful daughters, but not before they struggled to support their children and comfort them for many years all alone.
To this day my friends have so many questions. How can someone leave their children? Did they really forget my birthday? Why doesn't my dad care about me? All of my friends fathers are teaching them how to ride a bike, why isn't my dad? How can they not want to watch me cheer at a football game? Why don't they want to see me all dressed up for homecoming? Why are his adopted children listed as his children, but not me or my sister?
Knowing that my heart is breaking right now, knowing that I can barely catch my breath these days, knowing that I am worried sick about my father laying in the hospital bed in agony, my friend thinks about all of these things. With tear-filled eyes she tells me how lucky I am. How lucky I am that I can say proudly that I am a Daddy's Girl. That I can remember him teaching me to ride a bike. I can remember him sitting in the stands, swollen with pride as he watched all my sporting events. I can remember him picking me up at two in the morning when my prom date failed me. I can remember when he bailed me out. I can remember when he brought me flowers when I delivered Lilly and how he called me crying because he was out of town when I had Camille. He couldn't wait to meet my children. I can remember how excited Keegan is to sit in Pipi's lap or how he used to tickle torture Lilly before he was too sick.
Today and always, so much love and my endless support to my dear friends for reteaching me this lesson when it was so needed. So very sorry that your sperm donors made you feel inadequate because you are not. It is truly their loss. So very thankful that your mothers are so wonderful and were able to raise you all to be such strong women.
I have a lifetime of memories that my father will leave me with. I am blessed to be married to someone that offers my children the same love and support that I received. Always willing to read them a book or tickle torture them. I am very fortunate to say the least.
So, today I am choosing to be thankful that I am a Daddy's Girl. I am thankful to have such wonderful friends that are willing to teach me from the pain they have endured. Even though I can feel my heart breaking as the cancer continues to take over my Dads body, I am thankful.
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