Humble in the Heart

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

It is odd for me to feel as if I am the one carrying the burden. It is strange and rather uncomfortable for me to ask for help. Thankfully, in nearly all times of trial and tribulation thus far in my life, I have always been the one to offer support. I have always been the one that holds it together.

When I was only seventeen, heaven gained a beautiful, energetic, opinionated, loving teen-angel. An angel that so many people loved. An angel that could light up a room with her smile or clear it out with a simple expression on her face. An angel with a laugh that was infectious, one that even on your worst days and even if you tried to remain in a bad mood, you would have to succumb to her smile and join her in laughter. An angel that was a daughter, sister and friend. Though I still look back and think it's unfair, that she was supposed to be a teenager, not a teen-angel, I was able to find comfort in my beliefs about Heaven.

Her mother asked me to sing at her funeral and told me how much her angel baby loved to hear me sing. How could I say no to a grieving mother who lost her daughter so tragically? Even after calling my best friend and telling her that her best friend had been part of a deadly accident. After listening to her scream and drop the phone. After a long night of holding my closest friends as they sobbed and sobbed. After witnessing every single one of my teachers line up with tears running down their face as they said their goodbyes to my sweet friend. After walking past her mother and watching her heart breaking in front of me.

I walked to the balcony of the standing room only church, held the hand of the friend ready to sing with me, looked at our music teacher that was so respected by our angel friend and the music started. We belted the high parts because that's what Shannon would have wanted. I made it through the entire song in memory of Heavens Newest Angel. When the song was over, I leaned over the balcony. I could see my friends, classmates, teachers and her family trying to simply make it through this day. This day that nobody wants to imagine or experience and all I could think of was their sorrow, their pain.

Only months and years after the accident did I allow myself to feel the pain. The rush of emotions flooding my mind when I least expected them- when I heard a song that she liked, or witnessed another families worst nightmare coming true, or hearing the news that her mother had been diagnosed with the dreaded C word. I have always been the one to hold it together until I can find the time and place to mourn my loss alone.

I do not like to carry my burden where people can see it, but right now I can feel it. I find myself comforting others and feeling their pain as they look at my Daddy and think of my family. When my parents' friends stop by to drop off food or visit, they are usually the ones that leave in tears.

The character traits that I possess are a mixture of my mother, father, family and friends, but this rock-like trait is from my momma. She has asked me many times recently if she is (or if we) are heartless. We rarely breakdown and cry. We continue to laugh and enjoy each others company. We give my Dad sips of water in a medicine dropper like it's normal. We change his clothes like we have done it our entire lives.

Tonight as I read passages from The Bible I relate most to Matthew 11:25-30

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I read it and feel renewed. I understand that the way I mourn, or my coping mechanism I suppose, is to feel the sorrow of others. I understand that in my time I will feel my sorrow when I least expect it, it will come rushing in like the tide. Just as it has so many times before. When I turn on the radio, or look at a scrapbook, or watch one of my children turn into a monster when they have not eaten. I find comfort knowing that when this time comes, He will give me rest. Today I feel gentle and humble in my heart.

As I proof this post it is around noon on October 19th, my Mom called in with the update. There is nothing new to report. His pulse remains steady and he only had a couple bites for breakfast this morning. I continue to pray for his peace and comfort and feel overly grateful for the support you have all given.