Recycling isn't easy

"God is in the business of recycling our pain and using it for someone else's gain." Mark Batterson

This morning I went to the Memorial Day parade. I picked the Elmore parade solely because it started later, but I knew it wouldn't be any easier in Elmore than it would be in Woodville. I made sure to have my sunglasses in hand at all times because I knew I would loose the battle with the tears this morning. My Dad served in the Air Force, was very patriotic and throughout my life it was expected that we would attend the Memorial Day parade.

This year wasn't any different, really. We woke up, put on our red, white and blue, gladly accepted the flags handed out by the nice veterans and I hummed along with the Star-Spangled Banner as I reflected on life. All the years leading up to today, the many conversations with my dad explaining why it is so important to honor those serving and the veterans was obvious in my every thought. Yet today when they asked the crowd to raise their flag to recognize their loved one and announced each branch of the armed forces, I couldn't raise my flag. It was like I was paralyzed. I knew if I raised my flag people would look at me and feel sympathy. I knew my children would ask why I was raising my flag and I really didn't want to have them melt down in front of everyone. Instead I decided to put on my sunglasses and hide the tears because it is just so much easier!

I made it through the parade. We had a wonderful time with our friends all day. My cousins and a couple of my friends sat on my glider this weekend for the first time and commented on how beautiful the set up is with my chime and remembrance stones and love obvious to the naked eye. My cousin got to sit at Granny's table during her visit and as she touched the top ever so gently the memories flooded her mind. We talked about things my dad asked us to do before he passed; things we should try harder at and we are working on them. We talked about Gary, Beth, Erin, Sara and Steven, how they were all fighting the best fight imaginable, making the community so very proud to call them our own, making Gary proud of all the lessons he tought them over the years.

When I went to the parade this morning I didn't want to share my pain. Tonight, I realize that was kind of selfish. Other people have had lived through "the firsts", many people have lost thier loved ones, even years and years after loved ones have passed most people still ache with the feeling of loss. Alissa and Heidi reminded me when Gary was still fighting to come back to us, when the entire community was praying for a miracle, that I have been in thier shoes and I could help. I already knew this and had already emailed Erin and Sara that I am here for them in any capacity they need, but I was hoping it wouldn't come to this point because recycling the pain of death isn't easy.

When I went to the Strong's in the afternoon to complete our Memorial Day weekend we walked into tears. Marcia had received "the call" from a friend and Leah received "the call" shortly after. The call that nobody wants to make (I was too chicken to call and emailed nearly everyone rather than calling them), the call that leaves the worst feeling in your stomach, tears in your eyes and a pain in your heart that can not be described. God called Gary to stand guard at his sand castle. He really must have needed someone good to fill such post.

I thought about how I masked the pain this morning at the parade, the entire weekend when I looked at my chime, I didn't even cry when Marcia told me the news even though she couldn't keep them in. When I was finally alone, I read Steven's post and lost it. I had to write a similar email to my friends because I wasn't strong enough to call them. I recall my facebook page filling up quickly as the news spread throughout our small town only six months ago. I have since witnessed the same outpouring of love on Zajak's pages and a few other friends that have lost their loved ones. It is all too familiar, but as I cried, I thought about the gentle nudge from my cousins, about the quote at the top of the post and how I longed to express my feelings and thoughts when I was the daughter meeting with the funeral director, picking out the thank you cards, holding my mom and brothers hand as we compiled the photos that can't even begin to tell the story of a dad.

Eventually I came around to Aaron's unending attempts to save the world one can at a time: recycling our cans and jars, our friends are even getting used to the routine of rinsing and turning them over in our sink. Tonight I am forcing myself to get used to recycling the pain of loss just in case my dearest neighbors need to feel just a little less alone this week. Just in case they need a little more strength to get them through the next week, month, baby showers, births, wedding, birthdays, holidays and so many of the other "firsts", I am going to lend them my strength. Even though I might not be able to suppress the tears while my strength is on lease, they need it more than me right now and that is the least I can do. Hoping that everyone else lends them theirs, too. Use your strength to pray for theirs.

Please know that our prayers last week did not go unanswered. Sometimes it is difficult to understand the difference between My Will and Thy Will. Even though all of us were praying for a miracle and our will would be to have Gary throwing out the first pitch on our side of this life, God has a different plan. Maybe they needed a new pitcher in heaven, but more likely they needed a new coach, a new life coach. A life coach can be defined as somebody who helps people improve lives: somebody who provides advice and support to people who wish to improve their lives, helping them to make decisions, solve problems, and achieve goals. Gary was one of a kind in this arena! His wife, his children and all of the people that he has touched over the years are living testament to this. God's will was to bring Gary home; maybe He needed a new advisor. We will not know until we get there, but when you can’t trust His hand, you can trust His heart.

I told my mom she's going to have to take Beth out on the town, but I hope that all of the rest of her friends don't need the encouragement. She is going to need your love and support more than ever now. Erin, Steven and Sara please know that I am only a phone call or email away if you ever want to talk, scream or cry. I know you are all doing your best to survive and take care of the babies growing inside of you and Steven is doing his best to show Evey what your dad has taught you all. Hang in there! To all the people that will be missing Gary, the cement in our foundation of community, I leave you with words from a very wise lady. "We do not understand why some people live to be 100 and some lives are cut short. Life can be difficult and the pain of loss is real. I don’t pretend to have answers or easy solutions, but I can tell you that God is love, God is real and the Holy Spirit is by our side in the moments of joy and the moments of pain." Jennifer Smith Williamson

Sand

We loaded the car, the kids overflowing with anticipation! They didn't know exactly what to expect, but could tell that all of the adults were excited so they knew this trip was going to be great! We boarded the plane: skipping, twirling, dinosaur stomping. The kids were angelic the entire flight; couldn't have asked for more! This was going to be a wonderful family vacation! Our first without my dad, but really he was there in all of our hearts as he is each and every day. We landed safely, we found our rental, the sense of adventure still obvious in the eyes of the children and adults alike.

Shortly after we arrived to the beach I received a text from one of my friends that we had left the lights on in our car. I told him not to text me any more bad news because I was on vacation! I planned to leave my phone off most of the week. I didn't want my bosses to be able to reach me. I didn't want the temptation of texting my friends. I just wanted to sit on the beach and relax.

We arrived at the condo and were on the beach as soon as we could get our suits on, sun screened and throw down our luggage. The weather was perfect, truly unmatched in our vacation history. It didn't even rain once! Everything was going according to plan...and we all know how I like things to go as planned! Maybe I should have told the rest of my family to turn off their phones, too! But even if I would have, I would have read the news as soon as I logged on today and then the Zajak family would have been missing the prayers from our family the entire week and that wouldn't be acceptable either. Life continues when you're on vacation, whether you like it or not.

We heard the story shortly into our trip and received updates quite frequently during the remainder of our stay. To receive updates, send prayers and love, or donate, click here Each time someone would call a few more tears would sneak out of my mom's eyes, Jake and Aaron would fall silent and turn away and I would occupy myself with one of the children to keep away the all too familiar sting of the tears welling up in my eyes from overflowing. Laine updated us on the medical terminology and told us success stories since she is the charge nurse for this type of brain injury at the Clinic. Aaron reminded us that his dad recovered from a similar brain injury when we were only babies. Dana called and reminded Jake that his dad fully recovered from severe brain trauma. The calls and texts were obvious reminders, but I was stuck on sand.

Sand. As a dear friend has reminded me, each of us are but tiny grains of sand fleeing about wildly, flying from this adventure to the next, careless and alone until the tide comes in and brings us back together, gets us wet and we are once again reunited. "We are but grains of sand on the beach. Sometimes water hits us and keeps us together. Sometimes sunshine hits us and keeps us apart. Each will continue to take their cycle on us..."

This week I couldn't help but to compare our small towns to this analogy. Everyone goes to work each day, completes their housework, their yard work goes to their children's sporting events, attends church, etc. etc. etc. Often days go by without thinking of someone, weeks pass without running into them, months and even years sneak by before a wedding or funeral bring everyone together again.

Sometimes we might feel like getting out a hair dryer to dry off and separate from certain grains of sand, sometimes we can't stand that everyone is so connected to one another in small towns. Often the "did you hear this?" or "did you see that?" is enough to make you want to load the plane and not come back!

Still, when something tragic happens, it is all of the grains of sand that help to hold everything, everyone together. The tiny grains of sand that are always close by you whenever it sprinkles, the ones that aren't far during the spring showers, the ones that faithfully appear when the rain just doesn't seem to let up...even the ones that sometimes you would like the drought of summer to dry out and blow away, when you feel like you're drowning, you'll need them all to be pulling for you. You'll need every last grain of sand, damp, together, compacted, specifically placed neatly in their part of the sand castle. Ready to fight for each and every one of the fellow grains of sand until they are once again ready to stand on their own. Gary has touched so many people in Woodvile and Elmore. Some are still here, some are scattered all over the world, but right now he needs us all to be pulling for him. Maybe the rain is our reminder to keep the castle strong, every grain at attention, standing guard for him and his family.

I have felt the community come together, each grain of sand, strategically placed to form the perfect sand castle. The castle both surrounding and supporting the grains of sand that are weak. I remember at the calling hours for my dad, a day that I don't remember much of, how Gary gently approached me as we said goodbye to my dad at the funeral home. I remember how he hugged me oh so tight. He told me that he read my blog titled "Daddy's Girl" with one of his own Daddy's Girls. How he cried with his baby girl and hugged her tight that day, just as he was hugging me then. He thanked me for my words and told me that my dad would be so proud of the way I handled myself, not just on the day of the showing or funeral, but each day; the everyday struggles otherwise known as life.

To the two Daddy's Girls and Steve: your dad is proud of you, always. His face lights up when he talks about you. From reading your caringbridge site I can tell that he passed on the secret to you, the secret to life. His optimism and genuine personality is admired by all. Stay strong knowing that we are all behind you, beside you and in front of you. Lifting you up in prayer and good thoughts. Hoping and praying that tomorrow brings that "little bit better" moment. Also wanting you to know that if that "little bit better" moment doesn't come that we'll all still be here. Still be here sending all of our love and support to get you through each difficult day, each delicate decision, every scream for him to wake up...we will still be here praying for you all.

Tonight I can't seem to type fast enough about how important the continued support is. The cards don't go unnoticed, the messages aren't overlooked, the love is appreciated and real. Gary, Beth and his family deserve all the prayers they can get. They need every last grain of sand standing their post. The best weapon is prayer, use it. I'm sure I will be shaking sand out of things for a while, I'll say a prayer each time I see a tiny grain.

My new favorite song!

Into the Wilderness update!

My friends scan results came back good!! Scan in four months to recheck, but for now we are celebrating:) Thanks for all of the prayers!!

Oh and if you don't follow regularly, here's the original post

http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2011/03/into-wilderness.html

How long is five minutes?

Jeremiah 29:1-14 (New International Version)
11-14 included
11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”


Since I missed church this week and wanted more of His word after reading Pastor Jen's sermon, I felt like I needed to write about the passage I flipped to tonight. I'm sure that if I read this passage at a different time I would interpret the reading differently, less ironic I suppose. I really have no rhyme or reason when I pick up the Bible where to start reading (I do usually steer clear of the Old Testament), I haven't read it from cover to cover, I don't pretend to know all the stories that the Good Book offers, but this is what I flipped to today and today I find comfort in it.

I have heard this verse used on many occasions; during times of uncertainty for a wide array of reasons. Tonight as I read what leads up to this passage that so many people turn to in times of uncertainty I can't help but to see the irony that I never knew before. I am a firm believer in the notion that "God has a plan" or as I read on a friends wall today "Only God knows the bigger picture". Still some people think this notion is merely propaganda (Wiki definition: a form of communication that is aimed at influencing the attitude of a community toward some cause or position so as to benefit oneself). Some argue that Jeremiah wrote this letter and it was accepted into the pages of the Bible solely to comfort people that are suffering with life. So that when something bad happens to them they can simply fall back on this notion that "God has a plan".

Prior to reading the entire passage leading up to this "feel good" part posted at the top of the blog, I really didn't have any rebuttal to the argument that this is simply propaganda that we are so willingly led to believe. Now, I feel a little more confident in my belief. Not just because I read the last part of the verse quite a few times tonight or because it says that once we seek Him with all your heart that He will bring us back from exile, but because the first part of the passage tells us that He is the one that put them in the place of uncertainty in the first place!

The people in Babylon had sinned against God and were not seeking Him with their whole heart and that is why they were exiled to the foreign place and filled with thoughts of uncertainty and doubt. I know some people don’t believe in God punishing anymore (I say I don't, but in the back of my mind, this belief is still in my messed up head somewhere). Like I stated earlier, I generally steer clear of the Old Testament because I like to focus on the passages filled with love and forgiveness when I flip through the pages. Yet, tonight I can’t help to think about the lack of consequences in this day in age if we always focus on the hope. If we don’t fear God because of our belief that Jesus died for our sins where are the consequences?

This letter reminds the people of these consequences, that they caused this time of uncertainty and despair, and rather bluntly tells them to get used to it!

10 This is what the LORD says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place.

Seventy years! Really? Seventy years? That is a really long time in my opinion. Even before I picked up the Bible this evening, my mind was already fixated on time and the measurement of time.

Prior to picking up the Bible tonight I spent the evening with my crazy kids. I posted a story about my youngest child earlier in the evening. He admittedly has zero desire to start potty training. The girls were both well on their way or done at 2.5 years of age, but Keegan does not even want to talk about it. This is an example conversation with my little one!

Me: "Keegan, when are you going to start going potty on the potty?" Keegan: "NOT YET." Me: "Well, when is not yet?" Keegan: "5 minutes."

Sometimes it's two minutes, sometimes it's tomorrow, sometimes he just repeats not yet. No matter what his response is tonight I couldn't help but to think about time. I wish my concept of 5 minutes was the same as his when we are all sleeping peacefully, but can't imagine if my concept of 5 minutes lasted as long as his when he wants something and is having a tantrum before I put him in timeout!

Often in times of despair the clock seems to stand still; the seconds seem like hours and hours seem like weeks and weeks seem like years. I know many people feeling this way due to unemployment. When will I land a job? How much longer are we going to be able to survive with the missing income? Some are overwhelmed with debt. Will the phone calls asking for money ever cease? Is this hole just too deep to dig our way out? Others are faced with marital problems or health issues.

This passage asks us to be content where we are. Content even though we aren't certain where we are going, which direction to turn. Sometimes we are just as far in as we'll ever be out of the never ending tunnel of life. There is light at both sides of any tunnel. Pray for which way to go. Sometimes it will not be the quickest way to the light, but there is always light at the end of each tunnel. Maybe the time of despair will feel like seventy years when you are walking the uphill battle. Maybe the time will feel like Keegan’s definition of five minutes, which is really just when he’s ready for the five minutes to be over. Maybe if you pray, seek Him with all of your heart and are content with what you have the clock will start ticking again. The seconds will once again be seconds rather than minutes and that five minutes will pass much more quickly; you will be that much closer to being carried out of captivity.

14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Weddings, Bachelor Parties...how to survive the season with confidence!

I am feeling very unmotivated and uninspired to write this week, but since I do have a few followers, I thought I should probably write something;)

Our first wedding of the season is next week so I thought this would be an appropriate repost/rewrite and probably quite entertaining for the people that remember how irritated I was at the time. I will take bits and pieces from a journal a couple years back (bolded), remember how I felt at that time, how I feel now after reflection and mix it all together...might be a mess!

Paint the picture:

Prior to having three beautiful children I was the annoyingly skinny, spoiled blond girl that generally got whatever I set my mind on. I never really had a problem with self confidence and I didn't foster many insecurities.

THEN, I had children. I gained 60 pounds with my first child, seriously, 60! I thought being pregnant meant that I was entitled to have Breyers ice cream by the gallon! By the time I was nine months pregnant with my third bundle of joy my ultimate goal was not to surpass 200 on the scale when the doctor read my weight...I made it (by a pound).

Having children seriously messes with your hormones! Compound the crazy evolving hormones with an extra 30 plus pounds to a person that is used to being thin and I was a mess. For the first time in my life I was insecure with the way that I looked, jealousy was probably noticeable to the naked eye because I was raging with it, and I was sleep deprived with three very young children. I had to go in to the clinic one to three times a week to have my blood tested. I wasn't allowed to exercise at all because of my blood clot. Seriously, I was a train wreck...

Knowing the above backgroud is PART what makes this an issue: Hubby is aware that he has a bachelor party this weekend starting at 9am with golf, football, strippers and oogles of beer. As if that isn't bad enough to think about (let alone disgusting and age inappropriate) he feels entitled to watch 4 hours of football at the neighbors on Saturday and 4 hours at a friends house on Sunday last weekend. When he left Sunday I threw his wallet to illustrate that I was not happy. He'll probably even justify playing 2.5 hours of basketball tonight, it just has yet to be addressed. I am also insecure about the stripperSSSSS after 10 hours of drinking. Not that I would ever imagine my husband cheating, I just don't want to think about how disgusting it is going to be with a room full of wasted men and two (NOT ONE, TWO) strippers. I am a train wreck and cannot explain myself without sounding like a psycho. The issue will most likely go unaddressed. He will attend the bachelor party. I will hear disgusting stories and shrug them off as if I don't care.

I remember picking fights with my husband for WEEKS before this bachelor party (and really anytime he went out with friends)! WHY? Because I was insecure! I didn't like how I looked on the outside and figured that my husband didn't either. I wasn't confident in myself or my marraige and instead of recognizing my insecurities I played the blame game. It had to be someone's fault that I was feeling this way, certainly not mine;) Even though my husband attempted to make me feel attractive and beautiful, I couldn't see it. I was so caught up with my outside appearance that it was making my inside appearance ugly as well.

My advice to anyone that is feeling insecure as this wedding season approaches is to look in the mirror again. Rather than looking at the few extra pounds floating around in unwanted places or wishing you looked like this instead of that, look deeper into the mirror. Look at the part of the mirror where you find your heart and soul, look past the outside appearance and look in. When you look at this part of the mirror do you see beauty? Do you love the person on the inside of the body?

If you do then you should walk with confidence. Raise your head high and walk with assurance because the person on the inside is the one really counts. Honestly, you'll look much more attractive if you find that confidence...even with the few extra pounds.

Wishing the Avers and Gears clans wonderful Bachelor/Bachelorette parties filled only with friends, fun and memories made...cheers to throwing the useless insecurities out the window!

Sometimes you can't hide the tears

I love Sundays because I get to listen to my friend preach about the scripture lesson, hear her interpretations on them and I always love the message. Sometimes I feel like she is talking directly to me. Every Sunday I feel a sense of renewed faith, stronger somehow; ready to start the week with a sense of purpose. I usually write early in the week because I feel better. I have talked to one of my friends about the high that is achieved at the beginning of the week and by the end of the week we are waiting for Sunday to come. To once again have this sense of renewed faith. I understand why people go to church every week now! Today Pastor Jen talked about savoring the feeling of Easter, continuing to rejoice in the resurrection. I needed it this morning.

When my dad passed away we received so much support from the community: cards, food, flowers, plants, blankets, LOVE. I selected two of the remembrance stones for my house. The one with the saying that I liked the best ("God has you in His keeping, we have you in our hearts") and the one from Julie and Andrea because it reminds me not only of my dad but also that I need to keep in contact with them. I also took the chime sent from some of my best friends.

The plants, angel figurines, frames, wall decor and the blanket immediately found a place in my home. I look at them often, I think about my dad all the time, I know which ones are from certain people-I'm killing the plant from my best friends:( I didn't know what I wanted to do with the stones or chime. Judy said that she made a butterfly garden and had the stones be part of her garden. I knew eventually I wanted to do something with the stones and the chime. I didn't know where I wanted to put them; the ground was frozen when my dad passed and soon after his passing it was covered in snow. The stones were in my car until a few weeks ago when it was above 50 degrees for a few days in a row. I decided that I wanted them next to our young tree.

I was ready to get the stones out! I had a plan. They needed to be outside. I knew what I wanted. I knew where I wanted them. I was ready to read them again and put them in the sunlight rather than listen to them bang around in my car.

This week our car was in the shop so I drove my Dad's car all week. It was strange, eerie...difficult. By the end of this week I was ready to feel the sunlight. Saturday I picked out my Mother's Day gift, we planted the tulip that I purchased in memory of my dad from the church, I placed the stones where I wanted them and hung the chime. Saturday night I watched the kids play as I rocked in my new glider. I listened to the chime sing beautifully and remembered my dad...all without a tear.

This morning I went to church early to listen the bells, I listened to the encouraging words spoken, I was still doing alright. This week I have been missing my dad terribly as I drove his car, as I read the nice words from my uncle, as I put the stones and chime in place... but I was still smiling. Smiling because I treasure the notion that he lives in our hearts and memories. I like that I can go and sit in my yard and feel close to Him and him.

We went to lunch and to visit my grandmother. But then, since I'm addicted to facebook, I logged on to read about another tragedy in our small community.

My eyes welled with tears when I read about Anne. I thought about the many volleyball games she drove the team to and from, the late nights and early Saturday trips she signed up for...and then I remembered she drives Lilly home every day. I suppressed the tears, but couldn't shake the pit in my stomach. I knew that I had to tell Lilly.

I worked the concession stand at the ball diamonds and saw Missy's mom and Mrs. Depner wiping their tears; I knew why they were falling. I emailed my classmate my sincerest condelences, but understand that words are little comfort at this time. I looked at Beth and could visibly see the pain she was feeling. The pit in my stomach wouldn't leave, instead it just hurt worse and worse.

Tonight I sat with Aaron and my neighbors on our glider and listened to the chime sing to us, in the back of my mind I knew that I had to tell my daughter about Anne. When you have to tell your child something of this magnitude a pit in your stomach just doesn't describe the feeling; there aren't classes for this type of thing. I felt like I was going to be sick. Sick for Paul's family. Sick for the rest of her family, for her co-workers, for the other kids that would soon hear this news. Just sick.

As we prepared for dinner I thought I was ready to tell my baby girl that her always smiling, caring bus driver had passed away. I thought about the phone call from the secretary a few weeks ago asking me if I was home because Anne wanted to make sure that Lilly was safe because she didn't have visual contact with an adult when she let her off of the bus.

I asked Lilly to come sit with me.

"Why Mom?" she questioned.

I responded, "Because I love you."

I don't know if she could sense that it was something more or if she just assumes that someone has died when I start the conversation with "You know God loves you, right?", but as soon as I said that Annie had been in an accident she started bawling. When Lilly cries, ninety percent of the time Camille cries, too.

I have done quite a bit of research on how to approach death with children, how to comfort them when they are hurting, how to answer their questions without making death even more scary than it is. It doesn't help. Camille starts in with her "I miss my Pipi" and soon after, I am crying too. Sometimes you can't hide the tears.

Life is difficult! Full of struggles, heartbreak, loss, unanswered questions. Yet, I am trying to remember the wise words I heard this morning. Remember the resurection, remember to feed the spirit and starve the flesh, remember to find comfort in the promises offered in His word. Love deeper, speak sweeter, forgive freely, read the Good Book and take a good long hard look.

So much love and prayers to the Brewster family and the Waganfeald family as they greive their loved ones. Hoping they can feel the love that everyone is sending to them. Prayers for strength and healing for the Hammers and Davlins. Heavy heart tonight and so much love to all of those who are scared and hurting.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."