Sometimes you can't hide the tears

I love Sundays because I get to listen to my friend preach about the scripture lesson, hear her interpretations on them and I always love the message. Sometimes I feel like she is talking directly to me. Every Sunday I feel a sense of renewed faith, stronger somehow; ready to start the week with a sense of purpose. I usually write early in the week because I feel better. I have talked to one of my friends about the high that is achieved at the beginning of the week and by the end of the week we are waiting for Sunday to come. To once again have this sense of renewed faith. I understand why people go to church every week now! Today Pastor Jen talked about savoring the feeling of Easter, continuing to rejoice in the resurrection. I needed it this morning.

When my dad passed away we received so much support from the community: cards, food, flowers, plants, blankets, LOVE. I selected two of the remembrance stones for my house. The one with the saying that I liked the best ("God has you in His keeping, we have you in our hearts") and the one from Julie and Andrea because it reminds me not only of my dad but also that I need to keep in contact with them. I also took the chime sent from some of my best friends.

The plants, angel figurines, frames, wall decor and the blanket immediately found a place in my home. I look at them often, I think about my dad all the time, I know which ones are from certain people-I'm killing the plant from my best friends:( I didn't know what I wanted to do with the stones or chime. Judy said that she made a butterfly garden and had the stones be part of her garden. I knew eventually I wanted to do something with the stones and the chime. I didn't know where I wanted to put them; the ground was frozen when my dad passed and soon after his passing it was covered in snow. The stones were in my car until a few weeks ago when it was above 50 degrees for a few days in a row. I decided that I wanted them next to our young tree.

I was ready to get the stones out! I had a plan. They needed to be outside. I knew what I wanted. I knew where I wanted them. I was ready to read them again and put them in the sunlight rather than listen to them bang around in my car.

This week our car was in the shop so I drove my Dad's car all week. It was strange, eerie...difficult. By the end of this week I was ready to feel the sunlight. Saturday I picked out my Mother's Day gift, we planted the tulip that I purchased in memory of my dad from the church, I placed the stones where I wanted them and hung the chime. Saturday night I watched the kids play as I rocked in my new glider. I listened to the chime sing beautifully and remembered my dad...all without a tear.

This morning I went to church early to listen the bells, I listened to the encouraging words spoken, I was still doing alright. This week I have been missing my dad terribly as I drove his car, as I read the nice words from my uncle, as I put the stones and chime in place... but I was still smiling. Smiling because I treasure the notion that he lives in our hearts and memories. I like that I can go and sit in my yard and feel close to Him and him.

We went to lunch and to visit my grandmother. But then, since I'm addicted to facebook, I logged on to read about another tragedy in our small community.

My eyes welled with tears when I read about Anne. I thought about the many volleyball games she drove the team to and from, the late nights and early Saturday trips she signed up for...and then I remembered she drives Lilly home every day. I suppressed the tears, but couldn't shake the pit in my stomach. I knew that I had to tell Lilly.

I worked the concession stand at the ball diamonds and saw Missy's mom and Mrs. Depner wiping their tears; I knew why they were falling. I emailed my classmate my sincerest condelences, but understand that words are little comfort at this time. I looked at Beth and could visibly see the pain she was feeling. The pit in my stomach wouldn't leave, instead it just hurt worse and worse.

Tonight I sat with Aaron and my neighbors on our glider and listened to the chime sing to us, in the back of my mind I knew that I had to tell my daughter about Anne. When you have to tell your child something of this magnitude a pit in your stomach just doesn't describe the feeling; there aren't classes for this type of thing. I felt like I was going to be sick. Sick for Paul's family. Sick for the rest of her family, for her co-workers, for the other kids that would soon hear this news. Just sick.

As we prepared for dinner I thought I was ready to tell my baby girl that her always smiling, caring bus driver had passed away. I thought about the phone call from the secretary a few weeks ago asking me if I was home because Anne wanted to make sure that Lilly was safe because she didn't have visual contact with an adult when she let her off of the bus.

I asked Lilly to come sit with me.

"Why Mom?" she questioned.

I responded, "Because I love you."

I don't know if she could sense that it was something more or if she just assumes that someone has died when I start the conversation with "You know God loves you, right?", but as soon as I said that Annie had been in an accident she started bawling. When Lilly cries, ninety percent of the time Camille cries, too.

I have done quite a bit of research on how to approach death with children, how to comfort them when they are hurting, how to answer their questions without making death even more scary than it is. It doesn't help. Camille starts in with her "I miss my Pipi" and soon after, I am crying too. Sometimes you can't hide the tears.

Life is difficult! Full of struggles, heartbreak, loss, unanswered questions. Yet, I am trying to remember the wise words I heard this morning. Remember the resurection, remember to feed the spirit and starve the flesh, remember to find comfort in the promises offered in His word. Love deeper, speak sweeter, forgive freely, read the Good Book and take a good long hard look.

So much love and prayers to the Brewster family and the Waganfeald family as they greive their loved ones. Hoping they can feel the love that everyone is sending to them. Prayers for strength and healing for the Hammers and Davlins. Heavy heart tonight and so much love to all of those who are scared and hurting.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."