Ornaments

Some days I feel like the character, Cooper, in Private Practice did tonight. Like I have to hold it all together so that my Mom is alright. So that my family of five will continue on and the kids will remain carefree and not feel my burden of loss. So that my Uncle Paul doesn't immediately associate sadness, grief and loss with seeing me. So that maybe someday soon we could talk about something besides how my mom and Jake are doing when we do the dishes. I don't know what, but something besides that. So that my friends can have another example of someone that dealt with grief gracefully. So that Aaron doesn't have to deal with a train wreck, like me not moving from my bed all day long, as I have wanted to do on quite a few occasions, but managed to pull it together. He has already done more than most husbands would ever do. So that I can be present in each moment of my life, trying to feel and remember each day, yet still make it through the holiday season this year.

And then I read one of the blogs that I follow and I am humbled. Humbled to the point of speechlessness and tears and we all know that rarely happens. My heart aches for the writer of this blog often. I have never met her, never talked to her, I just silently follow her blog. I pray for her and her family each night. Sarah Jones lost her first born child this year to a horrific, painful death. This is her first Christmas without her little man.

I miss my Dad like crazy. I see things that remind me of him and my eyes swell with tears. We decorated our tree on Wednesday night. Each ornament has a meaning. A special memory of when we received it, a story or a reason behind the ornament is attached to each of them. I unwrapped a few and smiled. I unwrapped a few and cried. Christmas gives us all such a reason to celebrate and I am clinging to this belief pretty tightly right now so that I am able to hold it together. I unwrapped memory after memory and tears full of love dropped like a steady rain. An ornament that I had specially made for my Granny of me and Jake and the one my mom and dad gave to me with their picture on it are my two favorite this year. After we were done hanging the ornaments the kids and I sang Christmas songs in front of our beautiful, memory filled tree. I couldn't think of any other songs that we had not sung. Lilly chimes in, well we can sing Happy Birthday since it's Jesus birthday! Yes, babe we can certainly sing Happy Birthday for Jesus. We sing the song and she asks me, "Can we sing it for Pipi on his birthday?" I can't bear to think about his upcoming birthday. It puts knots in my stomach and tears in my eyes. "Of course honey, we can sing Happy Birthday to Pipi the day before we sing Happy Birthday to Jesus."

I read this blog a few days ago, but read it again tonight because I'm thinking about Sarah's family. How she has to continue on with out her sweet baby boy. How she has to sing Christmas carols and Happy Birthdays with out her seven year old angel. I feel bad for feeling my loss because her loss is so much greater. This weekend I am going to make a red lego ornament to remember Connor. I am going to find an ornament with a gymnast on it because I remember teaching Carly gymnastics and will drop off a matching one to Justin. I will find an ornament with a few choir girls because I remember Shannon the most talking (instead of singing) to me and Laura and I will buy a matching one for Laura and Shawnee. And oh my, I can't believe I forgot "Big Mike"! Except I can't think of an ornament to buy for Philip! At first thought I think of one of big smiley faces because Michael was always so happy and fun to be around, but that's kind of corny...I'll have to think of something better than a corny smiley face to remember Mike! I will have 6 favorite ornaments this year.

I pray for my family and always the Jones family as our losses are so new and hurt so very bad. Tonight though I also pray for Stacy, Gary, Justin, Shawnee, Shay, Shans Dad, Bob, Gatha, Becky, Philip, Ashley, Kristen and the Jones family because the loss of a child is even more unimaginable to me than the loss of my father. I pray that everyone holds their memories of their lost loved ones close, not just as Christmas approaches, but always. I hope that the stories that I keep reading of people "paying it forward" continue to be posted often on my facebook newsfeed. I hope and pray that everyone has a safe and happy holiday season.


Sarah Jones Blog
http://notsobrightandshiny.blogspot.com/2010/11/christmas-tree.html