LOVE!

I HATE crying in public. I am not sure why, but I really, really hate it. Maybe it's because growing up I often heard the statement "Dry it up, or I'll give you something to cry about!" It could be because it's just easier to put up the wall rather than risk a break down in front of anyone. Perhaps it is because it makes other people uncomfortable if someone is crying because they don't know what to do or say. In the back of my mind maybe I still think it shows a sign of weakness, which I know is not true, but is an underlying thought. Growing up I can only remember a handful of occasions when I witnessed my mother cry and even fewer where I witnessed my father cry. I think my children will probably grow up and say the same thing about us. I rarely cry in front of my husband, family or friends.

Sometimes the feeling of overwhelming loss or even extreme joy cannot be buried, no matter how hard we try. Sometimes we will be moved to tears whether we like it or not. Whether we think we are mentally prepared and no matter how many times we told ourselves we will not cry. Even if we have coached ourselves into believing will be able to make it without a tear drop through a special occasion. Whether it be a wedding, the birth of a child, a funeral or a church service, sometimes we simply cannot keep it buried.

I did not know if I wanted to attend the Christmas Eve service at church this year. I didn't know if I would be able to hold it together, thinking about the traditions and birthday without my dad. I decided to try because Christmas Eve Service is my favorite church service of the year. Silent night is my favorite Christmas Carol. It is Lilly's favorite lullaby (late November babies get Christmas carols for lullabies in my house). Decided that a friend was right, it was alright to cry. It is such a joyous celebration, the birth of Jesus, and many people would be in tears for many different reasons. That if I did shed a few, I would not be alone.

My favorite reading material, as mentioned many times, is Sarah Jones blog. Sarah ends all of her postings with Love Love Love, Always Always Always. From the first time I read her blog, I loved it! How absolutely perfect is her signature closing? Even when her son was so very sick, even when he was taking his last breaths, even now when she is fighting her grief with every ounce of energy in her, she finishes each post with Love Love Love, Always Always Always. Sarah Jones is truly amazing, in her faith, in her beliefs, in her soul.

We opened presents with my mom Christmas Eve before the church service. My mom gave me a shirt that read, in big black letters across the entire shirt, LOVE. Of course, I love it! Other than the ornaments from my friends, the dyson (also from my momma) and the Jan Pugh plate from Marcia, it is my favorite gift this year. It probably only cost her $10, but immediately it made me think of the Jones family, how they and other families that have lost children must be feeling during the holiday season.

How I am not the only one that has a hole in my heart where the empty feeling lives and my hole doesn't even compare the hole they must feel. I thought about how Sarah continues to Love Love Love. I thought about how I was surrounded the night before by so many of my friends that love me and offer me their endless support. How I was surrounded by my immediate family opening the piles of presents as we all tried to enjoy my Dad's birthday and Christmas Eve. How I would be surrounded by my extended family that evening at our annual gathering that everyone looks forward to. I was doing all of these things without letting a tear drop.

When Laine said she was going to attend the service by herself I really thought I could make it through the service without any tears or maybe just a few. I was wrong. I made it almost to the end-I was almost victorious, but the sermon was titled Love. I had decided to wear my new favorite shirt complete with the LOVE slogan. The Pastor at the Methodist Church is my age, we have similar taste in music, both of our dining rooms are red, she writes her sermons to make people feel and believe, she writes her sermons to reach people. I should have known I couldn't make it through her sermon on Christmas Eve and certainly not through Silent Night without a tear.

As I listened to my friend preach about love, the tears flowed freely. I couldn't stop them. I thought about this "first" I was having-my first Christmas Eve without a birthday present under the tree. But also my first Christmas Eve that I truly allowed myself to feel the love of God surrounding me. The love that He sends to me in my children, husband, family and friends each and every day. The thoughtfulness of simply dropping by baked apples or a surprise keepsake that is absolutely perfect arriving in the mail. My Dad's first birthday with Jesus, with God and how happy I was for him to be spending his birthday pain free with them.

I thought of all these wonderful things, but couldn't stop the tears. I looked around the church and I was happy to see so many of the faces that I remember growing up in this church, but so many of their faces also had tears streaming down them. I was happy to be sitting with my sister in law and the Warners who have always been part of our extended family as the love from the congregation surrounded us. It was relieving to be greeted with a big smile from Marci as I entered the church on this "first" as we have talked often about how hard the "firsts" are. Knowing that so many of my friends were thinking of our family and crying with us was an amazing feeling.

I hope the others that have lost also felt the outpouring of love and support. The Harmans sat directly in front of me with their loss so new and heavy in my thoughts, I looked at Marci and thought of her classmate, his tragic death and his young children left without their father. I witnessed the Hammits all holding each other tight in prayer and so many of my friends moved to tears because they are missing their loved ones. I hope they could feel the same love that Pastor Jen was talking about.

"God loves us, God came to be with us, Jesus Christ is born! It’s scandalous, it’s shocking, it’s surprising, it’s life-changing, it’s world-changing, it’s God-sized news. Love is real, love is holy, love is here!" -Jennifer Smith Williamson

I get another whole week to enjoy my friends and family from out of town, but wanted to write how I was feeling down today so that I don't forget. Not just at Christmas time, but always. So that if you are feeling lonely, please know that God's love is real. I don't want to forget the feeling of love that I felt as I was able to stop the tears just in time to sing the last verse of Silent Night. In honor of His birth and resurrection, in honor of my Dad's first heavenly birthday celebration and in honor of the love I felt in my heart. Thank you to all that have continued to extend your love and support to my family. Please continue to pray for the other families as they mourn their loved ones and help them to feel God's love that he is certainly sending to them. Thank you to my church family for welcoming me back with such great big open arms!