Angels

I started this post the day before my dad died, but couldn't complete it. Originally the post started like this: "A new day is upon us. The sun started rising shortly after I woke up and checked on my dad...I should have went out to watch it! How I should have embraced it this morning as it started to shine."

I started the post then thinking I was going to force myself to let the light shine on me, force myself to believe that our Creator was with us as we all witnessed this. That was more the "fake it until it's real" mindset (which I do often try). I wanted to concentrate on the love that constantly filled my dads room, on the indescribable feeling that everyone that was present the night prior could not help but to feel as the choir of angels astonished us with their beautiful melodies. Yet, the last couple days of my dads life here on earth were not sunshine and rainbows. I couldn't get past the feeling of abandonment. We were praying for peace, but he continued to suffer. We were praying for rest, but at that time I didn't think it would ever come. I could not finish the post as he was taking his last breaths, not even if I was faking it.

Last night I was laying in bed and unable to sleep. The memory of the angel choir flooded my mind. This time, even though the tears flowed freely, I remembered the singing fondly. I remember a room full of my dearest loved ones gathered around my Dad. I remember the director of the choir walking into the room and immediately recognizing my mother as a childhood friend. I remember watching her gently hug her and tell her that she was sorry that she was forced to deal with this at her young age. Was it a coincidence that she decided to come to my Dads room on this Tuesday, when my mother and most of the people closest to my Dad were there? The two Tuesdays prior the choir did not offer to come to his room. I heard them both times as they harmonized perfectly for other patients while my Dad was at Hospice, but they did not come to his room.

Were they drawn to his room on the Tuesday before his passing because God WAS surrounding us and his light WAS shining bright on us, but at the time I just couldn't feel it? Were they drawn to the energy of LOVE that filled his room as we cried together, held hands together, prayed together? When the choir entered the room my Aunt Con was reading from the Bible, but I was still mad at Him. Even as we were listening to His word I was angry that He was making my Daddy suffer in this way. At the time I thought to myself, God is supposed to be merciful and loving, how is He allowing my Dad to suffer in this way?

Last night it dawned on me that He was TRYING to ease our suffering when He sent the choir of angels. While we listened to the angelic voices I couldn't shake the chills running down my spine. I couldn't help but to feel the love that was surrounding me, lifting up my heart. Lifting my mothers spirits in song when she was so tired. I remember looking around the room at my loved ones, all of the women of the family present (and the men close by in the hall). All of us holding hands with each other, holding hands with the angel singers, holding hands with my dad, holding hands with God. My Dad could certainly feel the love that He was sending to him.

I am sorry that I did not feel His hand in mine at the time, but I do know that He was there. Holding my hand ever so gently and He has not left me. I feel and see His presence often: in my children, in my tears, in my memories, in Christmas lights, in my husband. He is making me stronger than even I could imagine. I hope the wonderful ladies that are part of the Tuesday night Hospice choir understand the amazing gift they bring as they sing to the patients and families. I hope they continue to follow the light that was most certainly shining down on my family during my Dads final hours and days. The choir of angels is permanently embedded in my memory and not because of the suffering that I was witnessing, but because of the love and togetherness of family that is attached to it. Because I know now that He sent them to us to give us just a glimpse of what the real choir of angels will sound like. To persuade my Dad to join Him for the next concert.