Into the Wilderness

During the season of lent, Christians are supposed to force themselves to think about the darker parts of their existence, look deeper, face the beasts in the wilderness. We are forced to think about our tempters, seek a deeper relationship with God, repent for our wrongdoings, consider how much time we are "in the kitchen" at church opposed to how much time we are actually spending with God. In other words, how much time are we completing the tasks (that certainly need to be done)and in the busyness of the tasks neglecting to spend time with God? We are seeking the reconciliation of God and humankind, especially as accomplished through the life, suffering, and death of Jesus Christ. At the end of the lent period we are supposed to feel more connected to God.

During lent some Christians choose to face these deeper, darker passages in the Bible in an attempt to come away feeling more connected with God by sharing treasures with God. In life that is not how it always works. Most of the time we don't CHOOSE to go into the wilderness. Most of the time our periods of darkness and periods of time left alone in our head are not by conscious decision, but instead by circumstance. The darkness suddenly appears (POOF) with the news of cancer, the loss of a loved one, an unexpected hospital stay.

I decided to give up facebook because I was feeling emotionally drained. I would read a story about someone that was in the wilderness and I would feel their pain. I would imagine myself in their situation and my head would spin, tears would well in my eyes, and I would email them or call them, causing me to feel even more emotionally invested in their struggle. In the end, I think both parties benefited from the communication, but at the end of the day, I would have less of the good, happy emotion left to spend with my family.

When I made the commitment to neglect myself of facebook, I thought that would solve the problem. I think Aaron even went along with my theory for a while. It didn't. I have lived in Woodville 96% of my life. I have connections to every person in town and not by the six degrees of separation, but by one and at the greatest two degrees. I can't get away from my need to help those in need, I just find other ways to find the people in need, or they find me.

Giving up facebook cannot restore my emotional health! I don't know why I thought it could! (and no, don't get excited, I'm not coming back until Easter;)) However, my next, on a whim, decision to join a lent book club the day it started, could! Joining this small group of other "Martha's", other people that are normally "in the kitchen", has renewed my emotional spirit. I have to be accountable to them each week and prepare myself for our reflection time. I have to read the Bible verses and think about the challenge questions so that I can participate in the group. I have to spend time with God and I have realized that is the only way to restore my emotional spirit.

Last week our discussion was focused on times we have been in the wilderness, the deep, dark times where tempters like to come in. I spent time thinking of times I have been in the wilderness and how I was able to eventually find my way out. Some of the angels that I identified during times of my wilderness stay are family, friends, books, memories and God's love. Some of the beasts that we came up with were doubt, confusion, fear, exhaustion, depression and many, many more. When you are in the wilderness the beasts seem to bread like crazy and the angels can often seem few and far between.

I extended an invitation to a friend from college, someone that doesn't fall into the one degree of separation category! I haven't had time to spend with her recently and she is one of my friends that is always "all in". She is one of the first people to call if they hear I am not doing well, first to respond that she would love to celebrate a special occasion, there to listen if I simply want to complain the entire half hour drive home (and laugh at my too critical and too expecting outlook). Unlike the majority of my friends I have not known her since kindergarten, but no matter how many months go by without talking we can pick up right where we left off.

She texted me back that she could not meet me at the square dance. She can't meet me at the square dance because she has thyroid cancer. The first step of the treatment plan is to remove part of her thyroid (and biopsy the other part in hopes to save part of the gland). If the biopsy comes back clean they will leave part of her thyroid gland and monitor regularly. If it comes back irregular she will have to have another surgery to remove the other part of the gland. After she heals from this surgery(ies) she will receive radiation medicine to hopefully take care of the rest of the stupid cancer cells. My response to her: F THAT!!!!! Seriously, that was my first response. In the same text was also: What's the treatment plan? Do you want to talk? And I love you...but my first response was F That. I am so over cancer right now! I wanted to throw my phone!

My friend is not even 30 yet. She is supposed to be looking forward to wrapping up her school year so that she can play all summer with her little man that is only a couple years old and cook out with her wonderful husband. She is supposed to be shopping for her trip to Las Vegas with 7 other young women. Now she has to have a fairly major operation, radiation and hormone therapy forever. NOT FAIR!

I still want to throw something, but I know that it is not going to help. What will help my friend are all the things that I have been learning in the past week and will continue to learn in the weeks to come. Since I am more able to identify the beasts and more aware of their presence, I can be quicker to throw them out (instead of my phone)! I am more able to invite the angels in and they can help defend against the beasts. I will find my way to the light much easier and quicker with the angels by my side.

I can't wait until I get to go see my beautiful friend, Julie Ann, so that I can cry with her and be mad with her, but most importantly so that I can help her identify some of her angels and beasts. I am so thankful that I took the time out of my day on Ash Wednesday to be like "Mary", pray and listen to God. That I took the time to listen to him speak to me and tell me to learn more about Him because He is the one that can restore my spirit. Happy to that I feel renewed, whole and ready to help my friend fight away her beasts! This type of cancer has very favorable odds with early detection and treatment...hopefully the next time I get the cancer news my first response will be "God loves you, is with you and will help you get out of the wilderness. I will too!"

Please pray for my friend. For her strength, for her faith, for her family, for her to feel God's love. And yes, Jess, A prayer for a cure for cancer too!!!

First surgery (and biopsy collection) complete (3/23/11)and awake in recovery room via Andrea. Wait, hope and pray for good biopsy of the other part of the gland. Hope and pray for a quick recovery and minimal side effects from the radiation medicine.

UPDATE: Starts her raditation today (5/3). She can not be around anyone for 3 days and anyone under 12 for an additional 7...this includes her handsome young toddler. Gets a scan (5/12) to make sure the stupid c-word isn't anywhere else in her way too young for c-word body. Prayers, please.