It's only the beginning

A re-post from my private blog because we could all use a little strength and guidance as we face difficult decisions and especially as we say goodbye. I hope you find comfort knowing that final moments here are really only the beginning. Praying for peace for Norm. Praying for strength, wisdom and grace for Jenni, Amy, Adam and the rest of their clan. Know that I am thinking of you all as you meet with Hospice and as you spend your final moments.

Final Moments--but really it's only the beginning

"This is so hard to watch, how do you do this every day?" with tears streaming down her face, my Aunt Deb manages to blubber out. "How do you say goodbye, how are you so strong?" I continued to hold her and let her sob. I was not strong enough to tell her that a couple of my friends had to do this same thing for me just two days earlier, or that I cry on my way to and from work each and every day. I just responded with "I have to for him and I have to for Him. I have to because if my Dad doesn't think I'm strong enough to go on when he's gone, he will continue to fight Gods call. You know that God is calling him home. Right, Aunt Deb?" I can feel her nod against my shoulder. "That he will soon be with Granny, Papa, Bruce, Carlee and others. They are there waiting for him. Someday Dad will be waiting for us too." She managed to squeak out an "I know honey."

Knowing that she needed comfort and I so need to believe, I continued "Someday when God calls us home, Dad will be standing without help and able to run to us and embrace us. He will smell like Obsession cologne and he will have a neatly trimmed moustache rather than a crazy beard. His face and belly will not be swollen and he will not get angry when you encourage him to eat, he'll probably ask for more. He will not look toward the wall as if he's in another place because you will be there too. You know that too right?" She started to calm down a little bit and let go just a little of her squeeze. "I love you so much Laura Leigh, please call if I can help." At that moment, as I could feel the sting of the tears in my eyes, so eagerly trying to break free and I could see my inquisitive daughter watching my every move, I was able to stop the flood. Very Jean-like I told her, "Well, you can clean the bathroom before you go!"

We let go and I looked at my beautiful little girl, another part of me, another part of my daddy. She asked me "Why are you guys crying?" I was not ready to answer this question, I was not prepared for this part of the process. I replied "we're sad babe and it's alright to be sad sometimes." She was satisfied with this response and told me she's ready to read her chapter book, but her wheels are spinning.

I turned around to look at the rest of the audience. My Aunt Chris had also come over for a visit, probably her final visit too. Tears were streaming down her face. My mom was standing next to us with just a single tear to match the one that escaped down my too tired to wear make up face. Extreme sadness and grief brings you closer to your loved ones. Even though I do not think it was my Aunts right to ask hospice for a timeline, or some of the others things she did during her time here, I know that she only seeks peace for my dad.

My dad is in so much pain today. He has been up since 430am coughing and gasping for his breath. I had to pick him up to put him in his wheelchair. We got him out in the garage-I told him he can smoke in his room, but he wanted to be out there. He has been there since we wheeled him out at 7am, it's noon now. He is still coughing and gasping for air. His face is distorted in pain.

My sister-in-law called to ask what to do, is he going to die soon? I don't know, I'm not God is how I wanted to respond. Yet, my protective, motherly instincts kicked in and I told her that I think he'll be here waiting for them on Sunday when they return and I'll call with any changes. I don't want my brother to feel bad for going to his conference, but don't want him to miss my dad leaving this world if he wants to be there either.




"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." -Revelation 21:4