Smiles, Hugs and a Few Tears

For the antifacebook crew:

Done with radiation! Enjoyed lots of smiles, tons of hugs and a few tears with the staff. DONE.

The burn under my arm looks a ton better.  My plastics doc is going to be so excited when he pumps up my right foob next week.  He was not sold on having anyone other than the Clinic treat me, but it turned out great.  I have one spot on my collar bone that is irritated right now.  It itches like crazy, but it should be good to go by the time anything permanent will be done with my foobs.  Radiation burns can appear weeks late.  They will not take the expanders out and replace them with the implants until they are completely healed...3-6 months from now.

So, the next step...

My cancer is estrogen positive-it feeds off of estrogen.  The doctors are going to take away my estrogen producers (ovaries).  Removing my ovaries reduces the chance of recurrence (cancer coming back) by up to 50%!  Pretty huge risk reduction!!  I will have this surgery January 6th. They will do it laproscopic and the recovery time is minimal.

BUT, it doesn't come without side effects.  I'll be thrown back into menopause...for good this time. I have to apologize a lot when I'm not a crazy, psychotic, hormonal lunatic.  I think I'll just stay home and keep quiet until my hormones level off a bit.  PRAY FOR AARON AND THE MONSTERS.

After surgery, I will start arimidex to further suppress estrogen production.  I will be on this drug for 5-10 years. Osteoporosis is one of the main side effects of this class of drugs, so I will also start taking calcium.  I'm fairly certain this is part of my punishment for my less than tolerant attitude toward the elderly. 

Oh, we had a wonderful Christmas...Daddy didn't have to work Christmas Eve OR Christmas day.  After I took a nap, I was much more pleasant to interact with. We ate too much food and played with all of the monsters' new toys. 

I decided on my New Years Resolution. I'm going to get more organized.  I thought it would be liberating to throw out my planner.  I stopped writing down appointments, games, etc. in May.  I let Aaron handle the checking account and appointments and school work...we didn't bounce any checks, miss any games and only a few homework assignments were eaten by our non-existent dog.  BUT, it didn't relieve any stress really.  Instead, I just worried about what game or assignment we were going to miss or if there was enough money in the account to cover expenses.

Ok, I'm a control freak!  I admit it.  Again, pray for Aaron and the monsters!

Anyways, Sarah Kuhn sent me a check with instructions to get something for me.  (Oh, Sara, I will cash it soon. I'm really bad at cashing checks, someone should have told you that;) And, I'm REALLY bad at sending thank you's...so THANK YOU!!)

LOVE writing in a new planner:)

Cheers to a new page, a new chapter, a NEW YEAR!!



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My Magical Christmas Memory

Guest post. I might be partial, but I think it's pretty amazing. She wrote it for school, but when I went through her folder, I asked her for permission to share.

My Magical Christmas Memory: Lilly A. Strong

My magical Christmas memory was when I was 8 (she's 9 now;)). All the things I did were fun. I went sledding, effortlessly built a snowfort, had a nice breakfast with Santa, easily found the pickle  ornament on my grandma's Christmas tree, and had a cheerfull Christmas dinner with the best cookies at my grandma's house. I got my awesome ipod, our nice, new fireplace, and our jolly elf: Rosie Mittens Star. My most magical Christmas was the best Christmas you could ask for.

This year Lilly is asking for SOCKS. That's all she wants: SOCKS!! Love her to pieces.  Lilly is becoming a great writer and is an avid reader of anything we place in her hands.  She did promise us tonight that she would spend some time with us instead of reading;)

A Christmas to Remember

GUEST POST.  I don't think Daren Cable needs an introduction.  He's famous for his first guest blog http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2013/10/guest-post-its-just-game.html and well, just being an ok guy;)

 

A Christmas to Remember

 

        Cinnamon, that’s what I remember.  I can smell it like it was yesterday.  I was probably 9 or 10 years old and had just walked home from school.  It was a crisp, early December day and there was a dusting of snow on the ground.  As I entered the front door of our house and walked into the porch, I was greeted by the same fantastic sight that was there every December as I grew up.  Stacks and stacks of old potato chip cans that were filled with a multitude of Christmas candies and cookies.  (Yes, that is correct, potato chips used to come in cans!)  Our enclosed front porch was not heated so it was like a giant refrigerator for the weeks leading up to the big day.  Cinnamon, there it was again.  So strong it almost burnt my nose.  My mom was in the house busy making Christmas hard candy.  Most people would pour hard candy onto a cookie sheet and then break it into pieces once it hardened.  I always thought my mom was some kind of superstar because she used to pour it into small rubber molds to shape the candy like Christmas trees, stars and Santa’s.   I specifically remember the small Santa shaped candy that she made and that she always made them with cinnamon flavor.  Evidently, on this day, she was making Santa’s.  The Christmas trees were spearmint flavored and the stars were flavored like lemon.  I really enjoyed the holidays as a child; it was a special time of year for my family.

          It is amazing the things we remember and the pictures that are painted in our heads from when we grew up.  What is it that you remember from your childhood?  I’m sure we all remember different things, but I believe that most of our memories are made up of the little things.  Even though the holidays were a big part of my younger years, I can only remember a couple of the presents that I received as a child.  Most of what I remember are the parties on Christmas Eve, the cookies and candies that my mom made, my sister playing the trumpet during the Christmas Eve church service (after several glasses of wine back home at the party) and waiting on Christmas morning for my Dad to get out of bed before we could open our presents.  Memories are not built on the material things we have in our life, but rather the relationships, traditions and experiences we gather, build and create over time. 

          I would love to know more about my parents and their life.  What do they remember from their childhood, what kind of teenagers were they, how did they meet, and the questions just keep on coming.  Wouldn’t it be neat to go back in time and be able to see their perspective on their lives?  What was their passion? What did they want for their children? What did they envision me doing as an adult when they held me as a baby? 

          I have always believed that one thing we all should strive for is to leave a legacy once we leave this material earth.  How will we be remembered? What will people think of when they hear the name Daren Cable?  What will my kids, grandkids, great grandkids and even great great grandkids know about who I was and what I thought was important?  Eventually we all will die, that is inevitable; but what will we leave behind to be remembered by? 

          I really wish my parents and grandparents had done more to document their lives.  I would love to know more.  My mom died when I was 13 years old, and one thing she did before her death was she wrote each of her kids a letter.  She wrote about what we meant to her and the things she loved about us.  It is something I will always keep close.  So what can we do to leave something like this for our kids and grandkids?  My wife and I started a new tradition a few years ago.  Each Christmas we write a letter to each of our kids.  We talk about the great things that happened that year and the things they do that we love so much.  This letter gets put in their stockings that hang on their door.  In our house, if the kids wake up at any time during the night, they are allowed to open their stockings (no peeking downstairs though).  Putting their letters in their stockings gives them a little something extra to enjoy as they sit in their rooms in the middle of the night anticipating the big day to come. 

          Do yourself and your loved ones a favor this Christmas, write them a letter expressing your love for them.  It is something they will hang on to forever!

When I thought I was dying, I started writing more often to my monsters. They have always enjoyed it when I write about them and to them. What a great idea with their stockings!!! Thanks for sharing, Daren Cable. Merry Christmas to your beautiful family!!  Love, Laura

Mele Kalikimaka

I can't get this out of my head now, bratface;)  Guest post from one of my favorites! Oh, and I want to be in Hawaii now:P  Merry Christmas, Cheryl!!

 

Mele Kalikimaka

(Merry Christmas in Hawaiian)

When you think about Christmas many things come to mind and for everyone this may be similar, or something different all together. For me though, there are three words that come to mind that describe how I feel or feelings that arise this time of year. Funny thing is, not long before Laura presented this challenge my youngest child posed the question of why I love Christmas so much. My answer to her was a little less in depth, but held the same meaning.

Ohana (Family)

Family. One word that can mean so much to many. I love that during the holidays we get to spend time with family near and far. We may not all be able to gather at the same time but at least the time is spent with each other.

As I get older I learn to cherish that time spent together. Things can change so quickly; here and gone in a moment's notice. Give a loved one that extra hug. Say how you feel. Because hindsight is just that, hindsight.

Recently I had to say goodbye to a loved one in my work family. One day we were celebrating her retirement with cake and smiles, the next we sat by her bedside as Hospice was called in, sharing tears and whispers of "I love you". The realization of this person's passing finally hit me full force as a snapped a photo of my Christmas tree. I thought to myself "Pat is going to love this one". And then it hit me, like a punch to the gut. I will never share family photos or stories ever again. Family was everything to this special lady and the best advice ever given to me was to always say I love you and cherish every moment. Family!!

Maopopo (Understanding)

Understand that sometimes the holidays have a negative feeling or bring about times of sadness. During the holidays some individuals are not as lucky as others to have family around. Their family may be far away unable to visit, or they may not have any family at all. For those who have lost a loved one during the holidays prior, this time of year may bring negative feelings or deep sorrow. Please try to understand that some may not share in our happiness or celebration.

During this time of year in the hospital we are always busy. Some come because they are sick, but others come because they are lonely or sad. For those individuals please try to show them compassion and empathy. The do not need sympathy or someone to feel sorry for them, just an ear to listen or even a kind word or gesture will do.

Which leads me to the next word......

Ha'awi (Give)

Give selflessly. Every year I take the kids shopping for toys to donate for "Toys for Tots". They enjoy picking out toys for other children and trying to decide what those children would want. I like that it gives them a sense of the needs of others and the joy of giving.

But the need does not stop there. There are so many that go without basic needs for whatever reason. Food, shelter, basic care items, a warm coat or blanket.... the list could go on and on. The ultimate gift of giving was given to all of us when Jesus was born. Given to us, to save us all and help us see the light of God.

So give. Help your fellow man, woman, and child. The gift does not have to be monetary, your time is just as valuable and appreciated. Spread the love that was given to us all.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

**In case you were wondering about the use of the Hawaiian words, I am more of a tropical weather person. I would not mind a green and bright Christmas as long as my family was there by my side!!** :)

Cheryl Helmke

The Perfect Gift

What can you get for someone that has EVERYTHING?  What can you give to the rich, but also to the poor?   What can you give to both the old AND the young? What can you give to your bestest friend, but also your enemy? You don't even have to shop!! You can give it to your boss, your spouse, your children!

It's a gift that is free.  It's my favorite present to open. I open it over and over and over again. 

You don't have to save it for Christmas day.  You don't have to be greedy with it because He will refill it as often as you ask. You don't have to share it only with the people you love the most because there is an abundance of it if you believe.

It's inside your body, buried deep under skin and bones and muscle to protect it from the outside world that can be so cruel.  Your body is the container for it and it operates separately from it. You get to decide when to listen to it and when to turn up the music and drown it out. It lives on when your body fails.

What is this most perfect gift that you can give to each and every person that you pass?  Pieces of your spirit!

When we listen to our spirit, the possibilities of gift giving are ENDLESS!!

Imagine if we gave these gifts each day...to OURSELVES AND OTHERS:

LOVE, Kindness, FORGIVENESS, Humility,TRUTH, Sympathy, ENCOURAGEMENT, enthusiasm, COMPASSION, conviction, COMMITMENT, Loyalty, DISCERNMENT, Support, TIME, Understanding, GRACE

What if every day we passed out our gifts to both ourselves, our friends and frenemies to open?  Over and over and over again.  Not for recognition, not because we think it's the "Christian" thing to do, but simply because we listened to our spirit. 

If you haven't taken the time to listen your spirit in a while, this is what I do when I want/need to have a little chat with mine. Sit in the still...sometimes this is very difficult.  It's difficult because so many thoughts can be racing through your head that it's hard to pick out the ones that are from your spirit and focus on them.  Sometimes it's difficult because you have to be quiet with yourself...that in itself is hard sometimes.

I HATE shopping. However, I LOVE giving the perfect gift.  I thought long and hard this week and decided to share the most perfect gift with you.

I'm going to offer all of you a piece of my friends spirit today.  She gave it to me.  It was free and simple.  It's for the young and the old, the rich and the poor.  I know that she will not mind that I'm sharing it with you because she understands exactly how to refill it.

I held her hand.  The hand of a very brave woman, it was an honor. I talked briefly on facebook about her grace.  What I find truly fascinating and endlessly inspiring is how quickly she reached acceptance. She battled hard. She strategically moved each pawn in her best attempt to conquer, but she also knew exactly when to surrender to The King.  In His timing, she will find peace.

Tammy Reichert is her name.  She isn't old and frail.  She is young and beautiful and only a few short months ago she was bopping around, here and there and everywhere.  Her mind is strong.  Her body is failing her, but her spirit is soaring.  She is so full of light.  The kind of light that shines bright- even in the darkness.  Even before I open the rest of my Christmas presents, I can tell you without a doubt that the gift that she gave me is my favorite this year.  I plan to tuck it away safely and reopen it often.

Among many other important pieces of advice, she offered this gift of truth, CELEBRATE LIFE. 

I watched her say goodbye to a roomful of friends.  Only a very small fraction of the people that love her were there when I stopped to see her. I wish I would have reminded her friends that it's not the end, but only the beginning.  We will meet again. 

I simply can't even fathom the pain she must be feeling to know that she will be leaving her family.  So much left undone.  So many moments that her adult children still need her for.  So many more years her husband wishes he would get to grow old with her. And what about her wise beyond his years grandson, what will he think?

Yet, she concentrated on her inner light. She continued to remind everyone to celebrate life.

You can share your most perfect gifts, not only at Christmas, but all year. You can be this light to and for others because when you celebrate life, your light shines brighter.  When you offer the things listed above, the parts of your spirit, you are giving the most perfect gift that you have to offer.

Thank you to her wonderful family for allowing time to visit.  Thank you, Tammy, for the most perfect gift: a piece of your spirit. I will cherish it always.

Celebrate life with your loved ones that are here with you this Christmas and the ones that live in your heart forever.

Celebrate life,

 

The Christmas Split

Anonymous writer today!!

 

The Christmas Split

I love the Holidays! Always have, always will! I love seeing people smile when you give them their gift. I love that somehow people seem friendlier this time of year. More doors get held, more people look each other in the eyes when in a store instead of the normal glare that people have when all they want to do is get in get out and not see anyone they know and possibly delay their day. People seem to say excuse me, please, and thank you a whole lot more than on any other time of year. That to me is the Christmas Spirit!
 

What I don’t love is something that I like to call the Christmas Split. As many do, I come from a divorced family and so does my husband. Mine have been split up for about 16 years and his for about 7. You would think that by now everyone (us included) would have our ducks in a row when it comes to the Holidays. Well folks, we definitely do not and every year it gets crazier and crazier and every year my husband gets crankier and crankier! I HATE (and I don’t like to use that word very often) that he literally can not find anything to be happy about this time of year. I try to make our house pretty for the season, (he did help put the tree and a few decorations up=big success) I try to be extra nice and act like frickin Mrs. Claus to ease the stress of the Christmas Split but the truth is there is not a damn thing I can do to make him the jolly husband I want him to be. As a woman I try and fix/organize things and events so there is no stress for him when this time of year comes. I also try to point out the fact that we are lucky to have so many people who love us and want to see us and that we are very fortunate to have a gazillion places to go because there are a lot of people who don’t have that. At the same time I am constantly trying to remind myself all of these things too because it would be very easy for me to slip in to Grinch mode right along with him.
 

We literally have 6 family Christmas events to attend this year. 2 this Sunday, 2 Christmas Eve, 1 Christmas Day, 1 the following Saturday. The hubby a.k.a. The Grinch said “I am not going anywhere this year I am going to sit on my ass and if they want to see me they can come here!”……… (GEESH are fricking joking me!!! Seriously people he is the nicest guy all year long but he turns in to this mean grumpy old man at the sound of jingle bells and falalalala. Because I have the patience to deal with this while trying to coordinate the gazillion places we have to go, what stuff to bring to eat, go to the store buy the stuff ,make the stuff, what presents to buy, wrap, and coordinate which house everything goes to. ) I say with a smile “Ok Grinch Husband I totally understand your frustration. But its one time of year that we do this and then it will all go back to normal, and you and I both know once we are to all the places we need to be we have a great time!” Grinch Husband says “Ugggh Whatever!!!”
 

We truly love our families and although it’s frustrating and stressful at times I wouldn’t have it any other way. Because we are lucky and fortunate for all of our blessings and if it wasn’t for this day that little baby Jesus was born we would never have all that we do. So I just laugh it all off and know that at some point my Grinch of a hubby’s heart will grow 3 times bigger and he will go back to the man I know he is. I will sneak a look at the slight little smile he gets as he watches our little nieces and nephews opening their gifts, the big hug he always gives my sweet grandma, the twinkle in his eye when his grandma serves her peanut butter pie and the way he laughs so hard at the way our dogs tear open their presents. My heart will be full and it will feel like there is Peace on Earth. Even if it is only for the next 11 months ;)
 

Merry Christmas to you all! May you find Joy and Peace wherever you may be this Christmas Season!!

Reminder: The writer of this piece is an adult!! Imagine how the children that are forced to deal with the Christmas Split must feel.  Try to be cordial and kind, understanding and peaceful when you're making plans with ex's and grands and extended family so that the monsters feel as little of the Christmas Split tension as possible!!

 

The Meaning of Christmas

First Guest Blog about Christmas is written by a childhood friend of mine.  I have a lot of the same memories.  I remember calling Maureen's cousin Christmas morning just as she remembers calling her best friend. My dad was a little more spunky than her dad, Mike...we didn't blast Neil Diamond;)  I wish she could be "home" for Christmas and see that our little church hasn't changed all that much and that Silent Night by candlelight is still unmatched.  Lots of Love, Maureen:)  Here is a picture of the monsters at the Christmas play this year for you to see!

If you want to join the challenge, there is still time!! http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2013/12/guest-post-anyone.html

 

 

The Meaning of Christmas

By: Maureen White

What is it? What is the true meaning of Christmas? So often, we lose sight of the things that matter the most to us, not matter what it may be. For many of us, Christmas time becomes one big rush of craziness that we have to attend to. Ok, let’s back up and really think about that one. It doesn’t start with just Christmas, it starts with Thanksgiving. There is a Holiday party here, dinner with family there, kids concerts, dance recitals, things to bake, cookies to frost, gifts to buy then you have to wrap them. There is always that last minute, “Oh crap, I forgot a gift for ____! What do I get?!”  But somewhere in there, the true meaning of Christmas gets lost. So what is it?

Christmas has its own personal meaning for everyone. Some think that it is a time to outdo their neighbors with decorations. Others think, I have to get this and that for my kids, and will do anything possible, even if it means getting up at the crack of dawn (or before) to go get that toy that everyone wants. It could mean purchasing the most beautiful shiny wrapping paper and taking an excruciatingly long time wrapping, ribboning, and decorating the packages into little showpieces that look good enough to grace the cover of a magazine.  So much is lost in the hustle and bustle of shopping, baking, wrapping, decorating that we lose sight of what really matters in all of this. To me, that meaning of Christmas is so much more than wrapping, giving, receiving, and the tree. It’s the memories made.

I remember as a young girl, calling my best friend on Christmas morning asking what she got from Santa. I remember the Christmas cookies and picking out the right ones for Santa. I remember going shopping every year with my dad and blasting Neil Diamond on the ride to the mall.  I remember going to church for the Christmas Eve service and singing Silent Night in the candlelight. I remember bringing home poinsettias one year that didn’t survive the walk home. I remember playing with the nativity under the tree while my mom wrapped gifts in the next room. I remember having the last Christmas dinner with my Grandpa- and him telling stories about my dad and uncles as little boys. I remember the year that my dad got a new tree and I HATED it because it wasn’t what we always had. I remember the first Christmas I spent away from home and I cried because I was so homesick. Those memories that have been made can never be erased.  But that, right there, ladies and gents, is the true meaning of Christmas. Those memories, even the little ones are worth more than the perfect present.

As I am celebrating this year with my family, so far away from “home”, I am once again reminded that the true meaning of Christmas is so much more than giving a great gift.  So, before you get lost in the shuffle of concerts, caroling and heading out to the next gathering make some time with your family. Take a drive through your town and look at the lights. Start a new tradition of everyone getting a new pair of PJs and a watch a Christmas movie on Christmas Eve after church. Go to a Christmas Eve service. Drink hot cocoa in front of the tree. Enjoy those moments.

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Bitter or Better

Every obstacle, every challenge will make you bitter or better.  It's your choice.

Right now I'm trying to choose better. 

Bitter is easier though. Bitter is less work, less emotion, less time in the mirror.  Bitter is, "whatever" or "F it" or "not my problem" or "you just don't understand".  Bitter is avoidance and denial.

Better is harder.  Better is trying to understand when you don't really want to. Finding sympathy, or better yet empathy, when you don't seem to have any sympathy juice left in your body.   Better is taking a step back, taking off your glasses and trying on a different pair. Better is taking a few minutes (DAYS OR WEEKS OR MONTHS OR YEARS sometimes in my case) before you make assumptions and allegations.

Maybe better can be "still"?  What if every time we were hurt, we were still and let the wound get some healing momentum before we exposed it? When the wounds are still fresh and need some air to breathe, maybe we need to protect it a little better so that bacteria can't creep in!? Once bacteria is in, the wound can easily be infected.  The sting deep inside the wound, the sting not from physical pain, that's hardest pain to deal with. Maybe if we spent more time in "still", the wound could begin the healing process more quickly and with less chance of infection.  

Better is sometimes "I'm sorry". "I'm sorry" is hard. "I'm sorry" is especially hard when you're stubborn, bull-headed and your maiden name is Runion.  Even when it's hard, especially when it's hard, even when you're own wound is still very fresh and painful, "I'm sorry" is important.

A few months ago, I hurt a friend.  It took all of my strength and courage to show up.  Showing up is really hard, too.  To walk in her house after knowing that I broke her spirit with my actions/inaction's was difficult, but it was necessary for our friendship to survive. Even when she drives me cray cray, I value her.  Even when we disagree, there is love present.  I knew I had to show up.  Showing up is picking better instead of bitter.

 I've done this MANY times in my life: http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2011/04/do-not-be-quick-with-your-mouth.html  I'm sure I'll do it many more.

This time I'm really struggling because my hurtful actions/inaction's are all embedded with MY truth.  (There are always MANY truths to each conflict.  Seeing all of the different truths is difficult, but better.) My truth is the story through my glasses, but it doesn't mean it's THE truth. 

So, I've said "I'm sorry".  I tried on a few different pairs of glasses.  I've decided to be still, to be better, to dig deep in my heart where the pain is and grab the sangria neosporin.

I found this little gem to read while I'm being still: http://www.gotquestions.org/hardened-heart.html

Choose better.

XOXO,


 

Guest post anyone?!?

So, I read this book: Carry on Warrior by Glennon Doyle.   I love her. She's amazing.  She has a blog, http://momastery.com/blog/.  She's raw and honest and well, you get the point.  I have a crush on her.

I bought an extra copy to give away.  I was thinking about who I wanted to give it to and thought I'd offer a challenge instead. So, here's the deal.  If you want a chance to win this book, you have to write a guest blog for me.  Your blog can be anonymous or you can sign it.  It can be short or long.  The only thing is, I get to pick the winner and nobody gets to question why:)

I will post your blog regardless of if you are the winner that I select.  You can then choose to share it on facebook or be content with the readers you will get that follow the blog regularly.  That's up to you! 

I want the posts to be about Christmas in some way.  You can write about the importance of the birth of Jesus, consumerism, traditions, how to deal with family, holiday parties, whatever.  I was going to make it more specific, but sometimes when I write, I intend to focus on one thing and it turns out entirely different by the end of my rambling...

What do you say?  Are you up to the challenge?  Send me your post at lstrongl@yahoo.com by December 22nd if you want a chance to win the book! I will try to play along with the challenge and write my own if time permits as well!

Oh, and when you finish reading the book, I'd love to share one of my favorite drinks with you and discuss the book!

Counting down to Christmas with carols at the nursing home this evening, 12/12/13 at 6:30pm.  If you are looking for some Christmas cheer, please join us!!

XOXO,


 

Radiation Update

Medical update for my warrior sisters that are wondering what to expect next...keep in mind, everyone is different and has different reactions to all of the treatments.  The first picture is during simulation after they tattooed me.  The tiny mark above the blue line is one of my newest five tattoos.  The blue mark is the path that they are radiating my lymph nodes.  A MUCH bigger area than the small marker line, but the line shows the angle that the radiation will follow.

Day 15 checkup with doctor: Skin is visibly pink.  It itches a little bit.  Doc approved cortisone cream if the itching persists.  Not uncommon and still manageable.

3 more weeks (13 more for a total of 28 treatments) that my skin needs to hold up.  Praying praying praying for skin that can endure the second half of treatment.

 

PRAYING PRAYING PRAYING, GREAT BIG, BOLD PRAYERS  FOR A WARRIOR SISTER THAT HAS HER DOUBLE MASTECTOMY THIS WEEK.  Dear loving God, please surround Jacki with the love we are all sending to her.  Make her feel a little less alone and a little more alive with each whisper of her name.  Guide the minds and hands of the surgeons and staff.  Allow them to be well rested and focused as they complete her surgery. 

One step closer to cancer free, Jacki!! Amen.

 

 

Grace and peace,

 

Confines of Fear

Today is the halfway mark of radiation.  14 days in, 14 days to go.

I had coffee with one of my girlfriends today.  She was surprised when I told her that I still have a ways to go even AFTER radiation.  My BS friends had the same reaction last night.  I'm pretty sure I've blogged about it, but I'm not done with treatment after radiation.  I have another surgery coming more quickly than I care to admit.  I meet with a new member of my already large team of doctors on December 16th to discuss the risks and schedule a date for a hysterectomy (Mid Januaryish).  It will be sooner rather than later because they can not start me on Arimidex (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aromatase_inhibitor) until I'm postmenopausal.  Due to my blood clot history, the team of doctors does not want me to take tamoxifin.  Since I'm done having monsters, I didn't fight the issue.  I will take Arimidex for 10+ years because my cancer was estrogen positive (it likes estrogen)...and a few foob surgeries and pokes and prods forever...and fear.

Anyways, we started talking about it and I told her that most people find comfort in telling me: "You're almost there!  Almost done!" Normally, I smile and nod kindly.  Why ruin their day, ya know?

She said something that I didn't think of, but I do understand!  "Maybe everyone wants to put this all in a box...you know, like put it away and put it on the shelf."  Turn the page, end the chapter, end the book. 

Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could box up our fears and put them on the shelf?  Package it up in ugly wrapping paper and plain gray duct tape, maybe even take it to the corner of the attic? 

In reality though, we all live in the confines of fear.  If you would have asked me last year at this time what my biggest fear was, I would have told you, hands down that my paralyzing fear was that I would get cancer when my monsters are still young. For some reason, for many years, I have felt like a cancer diagnosis wasn't "what if" but more of a "when" for me.  This year, my biggest fear is that the cancer will win before I get the chance to raise them. 

Some people fear failure or fear making big decisions.  Some fears are irrational, but oh so real (I have a friend that can be put into a panic attack with the site of vomit...she has two monsters and she's scared of puke!?!). Whatever your fears are, you have to learn how to deal with them.  You can't just box them up and drag them to the attic. (I've tried this approach...unsuccessful)

My fear is that the cancer will win.  I have to live in the confines of that fear each and every day for the rest of my life.  Most days I would say that it makes me error on the side of overly grateful-which is an absolutely wonderful way to live your life.  (Fear is useful when you use the adrenaline to fight!)  Always looking for the positives, always seeing the sunshine through the clouds, a fear of mortality can bring this kind of outlook to the front of your thoughts quickly.  I'd venture to say that my diagnosis and hell that my body has been through hasn't tinted my rose color glasses too terribly bad, but the fear is still present.

I still wake up from nightmares where I'm trying to get back to a little boy who is calling to me, "MOMMY!" And I can see him, but he can't see me.  When I wake up, I can barely breathe.

I still freak out when I have a pain...ANYWHERE.  I fight the fear, take a couple Motrin and take deep breaths. We all live our lives in the confines of fear, but you choose how you will fight them.  

If it's easier to wrap up my fight when radiation is over, put it in an ugly box and shove it in a corner, please feel free to do so.  I will not be offended at all if that's how you fight your fear of losing me;)

I was taught to fight fear head on though.  So, I'll continue to struggle with my thoughts and *feelers on my blog and you can choose to read or skip over.  I am feeling more and more like myself, so hopefully I'll throw in a few fun stories if you continue to follow along as well;)

Radiation update: teeny tiny red so far.  Looks like I was out in the sun for a few hours without SPF...which is really bad-wear your suncreen!! The doctor said the burns, if I get them, will show up in the next week/two, but so far my skin looks healthy:)  I will admit that I'm more tired than usual, but since I have superhero powers, it's manageable;)  I'm eternally grateful that I am at this stage of treatment during the fall/winter because you can't really tell I have a smaller foob with scarves and sweaters.

How do you deal with your fear?  The confines I'm choosing to live in force me to see the good light and fight the bad.  



*one my friends calls feelings "feeler"s and I LOVE it:)

Ride through the dark shadows and find the light,




 

YES-YES-YES!

Aaron and I have been waiting for this day for a long time...Ok, Aaron didn't have to wait as long as I did.  Lilly still thinks I'm pretty awesome. Dad, well, not so much;) I let them have sleepovers when Dad is working the off shifts (one of the reasons they still think I'm cool) and the last afternoon shift he worked, we had a pajama party.

When I have a pajama party, I don't mean, dress your monsters in their pjs! I mean YOU wear your pjs too!! So, anywho, we spent the entire day decorating the house in our pajamas because, why get dressed when you're having a pajama party that night?!  (I did take a shower and put on clean pjs.  I mean, I'm stinky enough with this whole radiation business and only using TOMS deodorant that doesn't even come close to the protection a sweaty beast like myself needs!!)

So, all is fine and dandy until I tell the monsters to get their coats and shoes on.  We needed to grab the pizza before our friends in their pjs arrived.  I put on my shoes over my slipper socks and my coat on over my AWESOME orange and purple pajamas from Jacki.

Uh, Mom.  Are you SERIOUSLY going to wear that!?! OUT IN PUBLIC!?!

Yes, Lil.  We are just going to grab a pizza.  It's not a big deal.

WHAT IF YOU SEE SOMEONE!?!? You're in your PAJAMAS!!!

Uh, yeah, I know.  I've been in them all day.  Seriously, get in the car.  People are coming over in a few minutes!!

But, what if one of MY friends sees you!?!?

I'll make sure to remind them that I'm YOUR mother!!

So, she refused to go in to get the pizza with us.  Camille and Keegan agreed to tell her a few little fibs when we loaded back into the van.

Lilly, Theo and Alayna and Marissa and Macey and what's that other kids name, MOM? Devin! Yeah, him and all of your friends were there!

Nuh uh, no they were not.  Stop it.

Yeah, they were!  All of them were in there!!

They were Lil, I don't know what was going on in there.  Do you want to go in and ask them??  But, you are in your pjs, I don't know if you should!?!

I don't believe you and I still can't believe you wore your pajamas in public. (Complete with a dramatic eye roll and sigh)

YES! YES! YES!! Let the embarrassing begin!!  When I told my friends the story, one of them asked if I was going to start wearing hats like my mother did to ALL of my events...I'm not going to take this 'embarrassing my child' THAT far!! ;)

 

XOXO,

 

Cash, Check or Credit!?!

One of my friends reads this blog (and a book) where the author uses really crappy pictures to tell stories about her life...http://crappypictures.com/.  When my friend was telling me about her day, I told her she should send it to the author of the blog.  Then, I started thinking.  Well, that author doesn't know "My Evil Twin" (ET for short) and she probably has people sending her stories all of the time. What are the chances of her picking ET's bad day to illustrate? Who else has a blog?

 

So, here is my first (and most likely only) attempt at illustrating a story for your reading pleasure!!

 

ET is a SAHM.  She texts me throughout the day to remind me that she's taking a nap or shopping or joining another one of my SAHM  friends for tea and crumpets (I MOSTLY hate (and love) her.)  Well, this day wasn't unlike most days with ET.  She woke up happily chirping with the birds and thought, I think I'll take my "Redhead Offspring" (RO) to Soctso and pick up a ham and some toilet paper.

 

 ET and RO were singing and skipping through Soctso, enjoying their Mommy/Monster bonding time...Until ET had to make pee!

 

 

*ET really does have homeless hair and it looks like this illustration!!

 

 

ET thought to herself:  I'll grab the handicap stall.  There is more room and less chance of RO touching all of the nasty things in a public restroom.

 

As all women know, the handicap stall is the usually the first stall when you walk into the restroom...the one that IF a door were to open, the MOST onlookers would see.

 

RO is two years old. He has learned how to open doors in the disgusting public restroom. He was having so much fun skipping through the aisles of Soctso, he wanted out to explore. ET couldn't hold her bladder while RO was trying to escape...she piddled in her panties and pants.

*ET didn't poo (well, at least she didn't tell me if she dropped off the kids at the pool when she was telling me about her day), but usually when you use a public restroom there are poo stains like in my illustration.

 

She used a few of my favorite words to let RO know she was NOT pleased with his escape maneuver, but she was determined to get her Thanksgiving ham and some MUCH NEEDED toilet paper.

 

ET wasn't as pleasant during the remainder of the shopping trip.  I'm not sure if it was because birds were trying to nest in her homeless hair or the urine dripping down her legs??!

 

RO, we are almost done.  All we need to do is pay.  Please dear sweet child, stop saying "HOME".  ET wants to go home, too!!!

 

Sure, nice elderly man, you can go in front of us.  We see that you only have a couple items...WE DO TOO...but sure, go ahead!! I might strangle RO, but SURE GO RIGHT AHEAD!!!

Hello, overly friendly Soctso worker, how is your day?

 

Fine! Young homeless woman, do you have appropriate tender for your goods? We accept check and debit cards.

 

 

 

Yes, Sir.  Here is my debit card.  Oh, *&%#(!!!  Our account was recently hacked and this is a new card.  I might have to try the pin a couple times.

 

(Uh huh!  Sure!  I've heard this before.  This lady doesn't have any money.  The line is going to be out the door before she pays!!) Ok, give it a go!

 

Oh no!  That's not it.  I'm going to have to call my husband.  Please hold on a minute.  Ring Ring: Husband, please tell me that you're at home!?  I'm at Soctso and I don't have my pin and RO is throwing a tantrum and I'm close to losing it! WHAT?!?!? You're in outer space!?! I can't wait 20 minutes for you to return.  RO is screaming ET PHONE HOME AND I'M HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!!!

 

%$()*&$#%*(&

 

(%#)@$&**@*#

 

I HATE MY LIFE!!

 

 

WAHHHHH!!! CRYYY!!!!! Just keep the damn ham, I'm leaving!!!

 

What the heck just happened!?!?

 

I wish I could tell you that I was exaggerating this story.  However, I'm NOT! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

 

Cash or Check...NOT Credit,