Today is the halfway mark of radiation. 14 days in, 14 days to go.
I had coffee with one of my girlfriends today. She was surprised when I told her that I still have a ways to go even AFTER radiation. My BS friends had the same reaction last night. I'm pretty sure I've blogged about it, but I'm not done with treatment after radiation. I have another surgery coming more quickly than I care to admit. I meet with a new member of my already large team of doctors on December 16th to discuss the risks and schedule a date for a hysterectomy (Mid Januaryish). It will be sooner rather than later because they can not start me on Arimidex (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aromatase_inhibitor) until I'm postmenopausal. Due to my blood clot history, the team of doctors does not want me to take tamoxifin. Since I'm done having monsters, I didn't fight the issue. I will take Arimidex for 10+ years because my cancer was estrogen positive (it likes estrogen)...and a few foob surgeries and pokes and prods forever...and fear.
Anyways, we started talking about it and I told her that most people find comfort in telling me: "You're almost there! Almost done!" Normally, I smile and nod kindly. Why ruin their day, ya know?
She said something that I didn't think of, but I do understand! "Maybe everyone wants to put this all in a box...you know, like put it away and put it on the shelf." Turn the page, end the chapter, end the book.
Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could box up our fears and put them on the shelf? Package it up in ugly wrapping paper and plain gray duct tape, maybe even take it to the corner of the attic?
In reality though, we all live in the confines of fear. If you would have asked me last year at this time what my biggest fear was, I would have told you, hands down that my paralyzing fear was that I would get cancer when my monsters are still young. For some reason, for many years, I have felt like a cancer diagnosis wasn't "what if" but more of a "when" for me. This year, my biggest fear is that the cancer will win before I get the chance to raise them.
Some people fear failure or fear making big decisions. Some fears are irrational, but oh so real (I have a friend that can be put into a panic attack with the site of vomit...she has two monsters and she's scared of puke!?!). Whatever your fears are, you have to learn how to deal with them. You can't just box them up and drag them to the attic. (I've tried this approach...unsuccessful)
My fear is that the cancer will win. I have to live in the confines of that fear each and every day for the rest of my life. Most days I would say that it makes me error on the side of overly grateful-which is an absolutely wonderful way to live your life. (Fear is useful when you use the adrenaline to fight!) Always looking for the positives, always seeing the sunshine through the clouds, a fear of mortality can bring this kind of outlook to the front of your thoughts quickly. I'd venture to say that my diagnosis and hell that my body has been through hasn't tinted my rose color glasses too terribly bad, but the fear is still present.
I still wake up from nightmares where I'm trying to get back to a little boy who is calling to me, "MOMMY!" And I can see him, but he can't see me. When I wake up, I can barely breathe.
I still freak out when I have a pain...ANYWHERE. I fight the fear, take a couple Motrin and take deep breaths. We all live our lives in the confines of fear, but you choose how you will fight them.
If it's easier to wrap up my fight when radiation is over, put it in an ugly box and shove it in a corner, please feel free to do so. I will not be offended at all if that's how you fight your fear of losing me;)
I was taught to fight fear head on though. So, I'll continue to struggle with my thoughts and *feelers on my blog and you can choose to read or skip over. I am feeling more and more like myself, so hopefully I'll throw in a few fun stories if you continue to follow along as well;)
Radiation update: teeny tiny red so far. Looks like I was out in the sun for a few hours without SPF...which is really bad-wear your suncreen!! The doctor said the burns, if I get them, will show up in the next week/two, but so far my skin looks healthy:) I will admit that I'm more tired than usual, but since I have superhero powers, it's manageable;) I'm eternally grateful that I am at this stage of treatment during the fall/winter because you can't really tell I have a smaller foob with scarves and sweaters.
How do you deal with your fear? The confines I'm choosing to live in force me to see the good light and fight the bad.
*one my friends calls feelings "feeler"s and I LOVE it:)
Ride through the dark shadows and find the light,
I had coffee with one of my girlfriends today. She was surprised when I told her that I still have a ways to go even AFTER radiation. My BS friends had the same reaction last night. I'm pretty sure I've blogged about it, but I'm not done with treatment after radiation. I have another surgery coming more quickly than I care to admit. I meet with a new member of my already large team of doctors on December 16th to discuss the risks and schedule a date for a hysterectomy (Mid Januaryish). It will be sooner rather than later because they can not start me on Arimidex (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aromatase_inhibitor) until I'm postmenopausal. Due to my blood clot history, the team of doctors does not want me to take tamoxifin. Since I'm done having monsters, I didn't fight the issue. I will take Arimidex for 10+ years because my cancer was estrogen positive (it likes estrogen)...and a few foob surgeries and pokes and prods forever...and fear.
Anyways, we started talking about it and I told her that most people find comfort in telling me: "You're almost there! Almost done!" Normally, I smile and nod kindly. Why ruin their day, ya know?
She said something that I didn't think of, but I do understand! "Maybe everyone wants to put this all in a box...you know, like put it away and put it on the shelf." Turn the page, end the chapter, end the book.
Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could box up our fears and put them on the shelf? Package it up in ugly wrapping paper and plain gray duct tape, maybe even take it to the corner of the attic?
In reality though, we all live in the confines of fear. If you would have asked me last year at this time what my biggest fear was, I would have told you, hands down that my paralyzing fear was that I would get cancer when my monsters are still young. For some reason, for many years, I have felt like a cancer diagnosis wasn't "what if" but more of a "when" for me. This year, my biggest fear is that the cancer will win before I get the chance to raise them.
Some people fear failure or fear making big decisions. Some fears are irrational, but oh so real (I have a friend that can be put into a panic attack with the site of vomit...she has two monsters and she's scared of puke!?!). Whatever your fears are, you have to learn how to deal with them. You can't just box them up and drag them to the attic. (I've tried this approach...unsuccessful)
My fear is that the cancer will win. I have to live in the confines of that fear each and every day for the rest of my life. Most days I would say that it makes me error on the side of overly grateful-which is an absolutely wonderful way to live your life. (Fear is useful when you use the adrenaline to fight!) Always looking for the positives, always seeing the sunshine through the clouds, a fear of mortality can bring this kind of outlook to the front of your thoughts quickly. I'd venture to say that my diagnosis and hell that my body has been through hasn't tinted my rose color glasses too terribly bad, but the fear is still present.
I still wake up from nightmares where I'm trying to get back to a little boy who is calling to me, "MOMMY!" And I can see him, but he can't see me. When I wake up, I can barely breathe.
I still freak out when I have a pain...ANYWHERE. I fight the fear, take a couple Motrin and take deep breaths. We all live our lives in the confines of fear, but you choose how you will fight them.
If it's easier to wrap up my fight when radiation is over, put it in an ugly box and shove it in a corner, please feel free to do so. I will not be offended at all if that's how you fight your fear of losing me;)
I was taught to fight fear head on though. So, I'll continue to struggle with my thoughts and *feelers on my blog and you can choose to read or skip over. I am feeling more and more like myself, so hopefully I'll throw in a few fun stories if you continue to follow along as well;)
Radiation update: teeny tiny red so far. Looks like I was out in the sun for a few hours without SPF...which is really bad-wear your suncreen!! The doctor said the burns, if I get them, will show up in the next week/two, but so far my skin looks healthy:) I will admit that I'm more tired than usual, but since I have superhero powers, it's manageable;) I'm eternally grateful that I am at this stage of treatment during the fall/winter because you can't really tell I have a smaller foob with scarves and sweaters.
How do you deal with your fear? The confines I'm choosing to live in force me to see the good light and fight the bad.
*one my friends calls feelings "feeler"s and I LOVE it:)
Ride through the dark shadows and find the light,
I can't even compare what I had to what you have, but I do understand that fear. You write everything that I thought about during my treatments. I admire you and will continue to lift you up in prayer. Happy Holidays...Beth Rokicki ( Marcia Busdecker's sister
ReplyDeleteHappy Holidays to you, Beth!! It was nice to meet you at Mon Ami...I do still have a LITTLE bit of my memory;)
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