Forgive, but Accept

First, I think everyone should find something that challenges them to think, actually exercise your brain.  Bible study always does this for me. 

This week (along with many other things), I took away this little gem from Pastor Jen and have been thinking about it for a while now: Forgive, but accept!

I think sometimes we believe that if we forgive someone fully, that along with that forgiveness should come the restoration of the relationship.  Once we truly forgive, that things should go back to how things were before the stone was thrown, the word was said, the occasion was missed, or the time was gone.

Sometimes that isn't possible.  Sometimes there is too much pain, sometimes the stone is at the very bottom of the deepest ocean and can't be found, not even with scuba gear!  Sometimes the time runs out.

Forgiveness is POWERFUL!  Jesus died the cruelest death during his time in the flesh, a death of execution on the cross, so that we are offered forgiveness.  Powerful stuff!  I ask for forgiveness of my sins often. I try to remember to say "I'm sorry" even when it's hard to say because forgiveness is powerful.

But sometimes even after we offer and/or accept forgiveness, we need to also accept the things that we can't change.

Even if we have truly forgiven, let go of all of the negative dung in our heart, sometimes we just need to accept the new relationship for what it is. 

Maybe the friend that used to finish your sentences will only ever be that...a friend that used to finish your sentences. 

Maybe your relative used to be your confidant, but now they are simply your relative.

Maybe even though you want the relationship to be restored to "before" it just can't be.  Not because there is any hate left, just because it will never be the same.

Forgive, but accept.

Source: sawdustcityllc.com via Laura on Pinterest

Obligatory First Day Photos!

Lilly COULD.NOT.WAIT. to start school.  She has always loved school, never been nervous and didn't even think about shedding a tear.  I had to ask her to walk back and give me a kiss on her first day of preschool.  This year she is in 2nd grade.  She did request that I stay home long enough to do her hair...hey, I'll take it.  She probably will not want me to that very much longer.  She still enjoys my notes and surprises in her lunch, but did request that I make them shorter...it did turn rather lengthy once I started writing...I know, big surprise:)

First day of second grade-Mrs. Perkins:

 

Camille is not quite as confident about leaving Mommy. She managed to hold back the tears AND smile before she walked on the bus on her first day of her second year of preschool. Before the bus arrived, she wouldn't leave my side to take a picture with the Thatcher babysitter crew and asked that I stand right by her. She ripped off part of my shoes and asked if she could keep it with her today in case she was scared. (Shrug-sure, honey (WEIRDO;))

First day of second year of preschool-Miss Blechinger and Miss G:

Keegan put on a good act when we talked about starting school.  He acted excited when he woke up, got dressed, picked what he wanted in his lunch and acted tough...until it was time to get on the bus.  His lip started to quiver when I told him goodbye and he walked back for one last hug and kiss.  I think he managed to hold them all in, but he was very nervous and hesitant.  He wasn't able to hold them in on the bus ride home and his teacher reported that he was very sad when he had to leave Camille after recess and storytime.  When I asked him about his day though he said he had so much fun and as long as Cami sits by him on the bus he'll go back:)

First day of preschool-Mr. Swindel and don't know her name yet:):

 

 

So far so good...getting used to the bedtime routine again is harder for Mommy, I think.  Getting up earlier to pack lunches is harder for Mommy too!

 

 Lilly tooted...stinky!

 

Almost tears...but he held it together:)

 Miss Beth's favorite day...she gets to see me:)





 

House Divided

What do you do when life happens?  When schedules and demands and stress are running high.

 Maybe you aren't paying enough attention to your spouse.  Time that you would normally converse with your significant other is substituted with television or exercise or faceboook or _____________.  When communication is lacking, it is easy to disconnect.  Do you find attention elsewhere?

How about if you have a major decision, but you can't seem to find middle ground or a solution that is suitable for all parties?   Do you stay angry and allow the crack to become a fault line?  It takes a long time to put everything back together after an earthquake!

What if, as you age, your interests change and your partner feels like a stranger?   They no longer enjoy the same activities as you do.  Perhaps they seem distant and uninterested.  Excitement is an emotion that is never displayed in your presence.  Do you try to introduce yourself again or allow space and drift further apart?

How about in a different setting, like a church.  When members disagree on policy or procedure, do you work together to find a solution?  Do you pack up your belongings and find a new church?  How can you put your personal agenda on the shelf and deal with the problems at hand with grace and love?

Even as a nation, we have been divided forever.   Once upon a time, we were divided by race and sex (rose colored glasses-once upon a time;)).   We are still a nation divided by our economic inequality, our sexual preferences, our beliefs, our political party, etc.   As a nation, how do we deal with the divisions? With love and understanding or with hate and bitterness for our fellow citizens?


"If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand!" 

I often hold grudges...mostly with my husband.  Luckily, he usually lets things go much quicker than I do.  He deals with my tantrums with ease these days (most easily dealt with using avoidance:)).  I asked him how we can always avoid a house divided and his response was simple...and perfect.  "As long as you're my best friend, you talk to me as your best friend, you laugh with me as your best friend and you cry with me as your best friend, we will never have a house divided."

Thoroughly enjoyed preparing for Bible Study tonight.   Join me if you want to discuss! Tonight 6pm Main Street Mocha!

Jesus Accused by His Family and by Teachers of the Law

²⁰ Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. ²¹ When his family^[b] heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, “He is out of his mind.”
²² And the teachers of the law who came down from Jerusalem said, “He is possessed by Beelzebul! By the prince of demons he is driving out demons.”
²³ So Jesus called them over to him and began to speak to them in parables: “How can Satan drive out Satan? ²⁴ If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. ²⁵ If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand. ²⁶ And if Satan opposes himself and is divided, he cannot stand; his end has come. ²⁷ In fact, no one can enter a strong man’s house without first tying him up. Then he can plunder the strong man’s house. ²⁸ Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter, ²⁹ but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin.”
³⁰ He said this because they were saying, “He has an impure spirit.”
³¹ Then Jesus’ mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. ³² A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, “Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you.”
³³ “Who are my mother and my brothers?” he asked.
³⁴ Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! ³⁵ Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”

 PS: GO BUCKS!

Finish the Dash-FAIL! Finish the week with a smile-SUCCESS!!

 So, the week before the second warrior dash my training lacked quite a bit.   I didn't run at all.  Actually, I didn't work out at all other than volleyball on Wednesday.  Sunday I was exhausted from pretending that I was 21 at the bay.  Monday I was feeling sorry for myself and the rest of the week I didn't have anyone to watch the monsters so that I could run because we were on vacation by ourselves.

In my defense, even if I would have run last week, I am doubtful that I would have finished without walking parts of the dash;)

By Wednesday I was over my Negative Nancy, party pooper attitude, all of my meetings were done and I decided to enjoy my monsters.  We explored the lake, rode around on the golf cart, went swimming, enjoyed kiddie cocktails at Mon Ami (ok, I might have had a glass of Sangria;)), bought school supplies and some new clothes, read books, cuddled and listened to 92.5 since Daddy doesn't let us;)

By the time we arrived at the campsite on Friday I was relaxed, makeup free and quite ready to spend some QT with the Travs and all of our monsters.  So, I MIGHT have threatened to pack up the entire campsite a few (DOZEN) times, I might have pretended to be on Seinfeld (SERENITY NOW) as one monster was tugging at my leg, another on my arm and another whining in the background...BUT that's just me. 

Like my brother says: I'm much cooler on the internet!  In real life I get aggravated with whiny, clingy children.  I make false threats. I call my friends lame (But seriously it's lame to get a hotel instead of camp with us:P).  I don't call enough.  I don't get every present I want to get on time or in the mail when I want to.  I can't pretend to be interested in meetings...it's just not possible!  When someone is late, I'm instantly in bitch mode...and it takes me a long time to snap out of it (like, I don't know, 3 beers was it?).  USUALLY I can end the day with the smile though!

Ok, I'm done babbling now.  The point of the post was: by the end of the week I was DIRTY and tired.  I had to walk part of the warrior dash (when Amy could have run it all if I wasn't such a slacker)-FAIL!  BUT, I made lemonade out of lemons.  We had a wonderful trip to the lake.  We had a blast at the water park.  We enjoyed the campfires and FELLOWSHIP (Ryan refers to my never ending need to converse with everyone fellowship time...we've decided Ty is even more into fellowship than I am:)) Aaron made it to the Warrior Dash in time to run and visit with my family on our way home.  We ended the week with a smile-SUCCESS!

First week of school, practices, studies, games every night...can we end this week with a smile?  I better get moving!

Too Busy

Sorry, no more blog this week.  No more facebook either.  My phone charge probably won't last longer than Friday.  I am going to bring my paper and pen to the lake, but I'm not sure if I'll use it.  I might try to soak it all in and absorb it.  I might write about our time together and save it for my beauties to read later in life.  Either way, I'm too busy to write a blog post this week.

Because I'm on vacation from the real world and I'm spending my time with the three most beautiful children I know! 

So happy that I decided to take a couple pictures with the kids.  As a mother, I'm generally the one snaping the photos.  I LOVE these pictures and will cherish them forever!

Too busy, too selfish, too....something, to write for anyone other than myself this week!

I hope everyone has a wonderful week!

Embrace uncertainty

So I *might have let a few tears fall this morning when I was talking to my Mommy.  It's possible that I am feeling a little overwhelmed to hear that our renter doesn't want to resign a lease.  The super high utility bill, school starting, vehicle repairs, the expensive airfare and now the thought of two mortgages on top of everything else could be enough to spur a panic attack.  The fact that I have been looking forward to a week of staycation with my family for a while now, but God had different plans and a week with my husband simply isn't in them could set me into a tailspin.

BUT

I'm not going to let it!

I refuse to feel sorry for myself.   Not when others have it so much more difficult than I do .  Not when I know that others are struggling with even bigger problems than I am.  This time, I'm going to resist my urge to dye my hair brown and hide behind fake smiles.  I am not going to surrender to the temptation to be depressed about circustances that are beyond my control.   It's so easy to slip into the negative nancy mindset, but I've been thinking about how to avoid this pitfall most of the day.

“Embrace relational uncertainty. It's called romance. Embrace spiritual uncertainty. It's called mystery. Embrace occupational uncertainty. It's called destiny. Embrace emotional uncertainty. It's called joy. Embrace intellectual uncertainty. It's called revelation.”
― Mark Batterson, In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day: How to Survive and Thrive When Opportunity Roars

I'm going to embrace the uncertainty.  I'm deciding to concentrate on the good instead focusing on the bad.   If we lose renters, maybe we will find a buyer!  Aaron will get to spend some quality time with his Dad and brother; time that he will remember forever and rarely makes otherwise.   My babies can't wait to have Mommy for the rest of the week all to themselves.  Camille said it will be the best week of the summer!  I can't be sad because they need me to bring my best.  They deserve my best.

Join me? Embrace uncertainty!

Rest in Peace, Grandpa Strong



*might-totally had to hang up the phone to avoid sobbing

Finish the Race Countdown

8/7: 2.3ish run 1.2ish walk, weights...the run was not that bad with all of my friends:) If I stopped drinking beer and eating donuts I think I'd probably even lose wieght!

8/8: 1.5 mile run .5 walk, 10 minute abs.   I thought my legs were going to give out on me tonight after about .25 miles!  Yesterdays 'long' (to me at least) run was brutal...one of my friends MIGHT have fallen up the steps because her legs were so tired:) BAHAHAHAHAHA!  I'm kind of addicted right now.  I feel bad if I don't do a workout.  I totally don't want to do one, but I feel like I have to.

8/9: 2.5 hours of volleyball

8/10 and 8/11: NOTTA...felt like poo

8/12: Still not feeling 100%, but need to do something to stay active. Mybodyhatesme (Insanity)

8/13: Nothing.  Not because I was too busy or didn't want to.  I am trying to feel better so that I can play and be fun Laura by Saturday.  The meds/infection is making me exhausted!!  They did switch my prescription last night so maybe that will help...

8/14: Run/walk 2 miles.  Felt awful...like I had never run before in my life.  Still not feeling great, but thought I should do something so that I didn't have to start completely over...must have been too late:(  Last week we did 2.5 miles jogging and I felt great.  Last night I had a cramp by .5 mile and wanted to throw up by the end.

8/15: Day 1 of 3 volleyball...I'm going to try to wake up and run tomorrow before work.  I have only been successful at the pre-work workout a handful of times, but volleyball is so much different than running.  I need to run at least one more time this week and I don't know when else I'll fit it in...maybe Friday night? HA!

I am eating AWFUL while I'm pointing out at my failures:)  Reeses Peanut Butter Cup Flurry Monday, Iced Sugar Cookie from Ice AND mint choc. chip ice cream Tuesday.  My new prescription lists decreased appetite as a side effect...I can only hope!!!

Only 10 more days until Ohio Warrior Dash II...less and less confidence that I'll finish this stupid thing running!

why Why WHY

Lilly has ALWAYS been inquisitive.  I keep thinking to myself that someday soon she will stop asking why so often, but she never even slows down.   If you ask her why she asks so many questions, she'll tell you 'so that she can continue to learn' or some other reason relating to gaining knowledge.  She is just bursting with questions about EVERYTHING!  Why this? What's that? Who's she? What are we doing tonight? What's the date today?  Why does the nail tech speak a different language? Why did you order Becks instead of Marcos?  Where's my library card?


Usually I can answer.  Usually if I feed her enough answers, she will eventually stop with the why's!


While we were getting ready for pictures she said "Mommy, why do I look just like you, but Camille doesn't?"

Well, honey, Cami is part of Daddy, too.

"Oh, well, not technically."

(Oh great, here we go)  Yes, Lil, technically part of Daddy is in all of you.  Even though you look (and act) like me the most, part of Daddy is in you, too.

"Well, I don't get how he's part of me.  I don't look like him and how would part of him get into me anyways, I grew in your belly, not his."

I don't know, go ask Daddy!

"Oh, I know Mommy, because God knew that you would marry Daddy so he put part of Daddy in each of us, right?"

  Yep, Lil, I'm sure that's EXACTLY the correct answer...(At least for the next few (as many as possible) years)!!!

AHHHHHH!!! Not ready to answer questions like this!!

What do YOU want?

What words popped out at you?  

Experience-Fun-Love

This was on one of my friends' Facebook walls a couple days ago.  I found my words and posted them as a comment, but I continued to think about the fun little exercise that night.  I've been asked this question a lot in my life.  I ask myself this question even more than I am asked it.

What do YOU want?

Love-Beauty-Youth-Success-Health-Experience-Popularity-Fun-

Happiness-Honesty-Friends-Power-Freedom-Intelligence

I want to know what I stand for.  I want to know what I want out of life.  I want to be able to reach for and attain what I want, but sometimes I don't know what that is.   Experience, Fun and Love are probably fairly accurate, but if I had to rank them after listing all of the possible answers, I would probably go with Happiness-Love-Friends. 

I would move happiness to the top because it's what I have to work the hardest at, but want the most.   Impossible expectations often lead to discontentment at anything less than what I view as perfection.  I have to really concentrate on accepting, forgiving, not passing judgment, letting go of the power, and releasing the pressure to attain perfection to be truly happy. 

I'm like this with, well, pretty much everything.  My most recent focus is the jiggles.  I'll probably never be fully "happy" with my body post children.  I used to have a sexy, flat stomach and now I have stretched out skin and stretch marks.  Even when I'm working out regularly and eating half way decent, I have a "Mommy pouch" and it DRIVES ME CRAZY!  I have an 'Andre the Giant', blood clot leg and cellulite. To reach the point of happiness with my body, I would have to be more accepting and not feel the need to have what I consider to be the perfect body.  That's tough though.  It takes retraining your brain to think differently.

Or, in relationships, what is happiness?  One of my friends was venting recently and admitted they wanted more.  More romance, more affection, more attention, to feel more wanted, more fairy tale, more alive, more challenged, more understood, more loved...More.  They admitted that their partner is making attempts to be more.  They are being honest by telling each other that they want more, but ultimately they will have to be more accepting, more forgiving, and release the pressure to attain perfection to attain happiness.  (I know because I've been here...and I'm sure I'll feel this way again...and again...and again;)) 

Happiness is hard, but it's what I want most.  

What do YOU want?

Finish the Race

8/1: Soooo, if I was keeping on my schedule I would have run 1.5 miles...only managed 1.3 and then walked another 1.7...when I told Ash that by next week we needed to run all the entire route running to get to 2 miles we both cracked up!  I don't understand how some people have the love for running...AT ALL!

8:2 Volleyball

8/3: Notta

8/4: Notta

8:5: Spent the day in BG with friends and the monsters and then walking around Woodpile since we do not have a functioning vehicle.  I needed to run today.  By myself listening to Fun. Think and pray and remember.  1.1 mile run .5 walk 1.2 run-not 2 continuously like I was shooting for, but not too bad.

So far, so good.  Hopefully I will be able to finish this dash running.  Not at Amy/Nicole/Ashley pace, but running at least;)  I MIGHT even venture to say that I enjoyed my run last night, but it was probably just because I needed out of the house and some alone time.

8:6 Insanity-I think it was called 'Idon'twanttobeskinnythisbad'

No Bull!

No Bull, I hope you have a great day!

Hey! How was your weekend?

What's the first question asked by your co-workers on a Monday morning?

Friday I stayed home because Camille wasn't feeling well.   By late morning her fever was gone and she was feeling alright so we decided to keep our evening plans with friends.  Aaron was going to drive a couple of us out to the winery. 

When he pulled in from work, he opened the van door to retrieve something and this is where our fun begins:)

HHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
SWISHSWISHSWISHSWISHSWISHCREAKSWISHCREAKSWISHCREAKCREAKCREAKCREAK
LIGHTSONLIGHTSOFFLIGHTSONLIGHTSOFFLIGHTSONLIGHTSOFLIGHTSONLIGHTSOFFLIGHTON

Our van (WHICH WILL BE PAID OFF IN DECEMBER!!!!!) has decided to take on its own personality...I'm pretty sure it's a she.  I've never really been into naming cars, but she's a bitch with a serious attitude!  She has decided that she wants to throw a tantrum whenever she's in the mood!

Yesterday it was because Aaron opened her door!  That's it!  He didn't ask her to bring us anywhere!  He didn't ask her to be patient while he washed the dirt off of her...he just opened her freaking door and she went ballistic!! She would not stop with the horn.  The entire neighborhood could hear her, I'm sure!  (Not like when I drive her and beep at people, like seriously she would not stop!) I'm positive her wipers could not possibly swishswish any faster!  After a couple swishswishes the wipers were mad at her and started creaking instead of swishing!  Her lights were turning on and off.  I watched from the computer room as Aaron tried to find the fuse box to disconnect at least her horn!  She finally grew tired of her tantrum and shut down.

Graciously, our friends offered to drive since she was being such a bitch!  I'm glad we decided to keep our plans because the winery was certainly the highlight of our weekend!

------------

Today I planned to take the kids to have lunch with a few of my friends.  We decided the van isn't really safe to drive until we have her attitude adjusted, so I loaded the car seats into the AWESOME PT Cruiser and started driving to BFE.  When we got off at Airport Highway Keegs complained that he was hot so I turned the ac up a little bit and asked the girls to help with road signs.  Ok, the road we're looking for is McCord.  It starts with a M, Cam. 

"I see it Mom, it's the next road!" Lilly said.

"Ok, which way is right, Cam?" I happily asked since I was excited to see my friends:)

Cami points to the right and I turn onto McCord, but we have to stop for a train.   It's ok though because we have Michael Jackson playing and we're rocking out! 

-------------

UNTIL the train is done and I push the gas...and we coast back a little bit.  CRAP.  Put the car in park, turn the key, tutututututututttutut.  Not turning over.  BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. HONNNNNNKKKKKKK!!!!

I turn on the hazards and call Aaron. 

"Hey, how's work going?" Calmly I inquire.

"Ok, what's up?" he responds.

"Oh, I'm in the middle of MCCORD and the car won't start.  WITH THE KIDS. What do you suggest?"  Still very calm and laughing, I ask.

"You have got to be kidding! I'm sorry that I said that it will be our luck that the blue car will break down next!" he says in disbelief.

"Hehe, yeah, well, I'm not kidding.  I have to go.  I'll call Abbe to come pick up the kids while I wait for AAA.  I'm just going to have them tow it to the closest shop, K?"  I said still laughing in disbelief.

"Yeah, that sounds like a plan.  Call me back later. I love you."  I'm sure he was shaking his head and wanted to throw something at this point.

-------------

"Hey, Abs, I need a big favor!" I said not wasting any time.

"Yeah, what's up!?" She responded pleasantly...she would do anything for anyone so I wouldn't expect any other response!

"Um, yeah, so I WAS going to be on time today, but my car has decided that it no longer wants to run and I'm in the middle of freaking McCord.  Can you come get my kids, please?" Still laughing I begged.

"Of course! I'll be there in a few.  Dawn and Katie are running late so I have to load up the boys."  She reassured me.

-----------

"I need a tow truck, no I didn't run out of gas.  Yes, I've tried to start the car again.  Yes, I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD...WITH THREE CHILDREN!"  (So, I might have been losing my patience a little right here)

----------

A nice young women shouted out of a van window and asked if I would like them to push my car into the median?  Well, yes, actually that would be wonderful!  Especially since you're the first person in 20 minutes to stop and ask if the woman and three children on McCord with cars zipping passed them could use some freaking assistance!!  So, I threw the car in neutral and they lined their van up behind the pretty PT and pushed us into the median.   They didn't bother to stop and let me thank them, just pulled around us once we were clear of the lane and waved, but it was a huge help for them to get us out of harms way and I was grateful!

Abbe arrived and my children hesitantly loaded in and I went back to my position on the corner, I mean curb, by my broken down car to wait for the AAA.  In the meantime a Sheriff stopped to make sure I was ok.  I informed him that AAA was on the way and he told me that he'd come back if it started to rain so I didn't have to wait outside in the rain...thanks a freaking lot.  I've been here for 48 minutes and you stopped to tell me that!  I won't hold my breath on the dry seat in your car if it starts to rain either!

Anyways, the tow truck finally arrived and the driver wanted to chit chat!! Seriously?  Do you see that car that you need to load up on your truck?  Do you see the car seats in it?  YES, THAT IS MY CAR!  AND YES, I HAD TO RUN MY KIDS ACROSS THIS BUSY HIGHWAY BECAUSE MY POS CAR DECIDED IT WANTED TO TAKE A CRAP. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. ON A 92DEGREE DAY.  (I THINK THE PT CRUISER IS A MALE-can't finish the job;)).

Dawn came to my rescue and picked me up on the corner when I put out my thumb:) We really did have a lovely visit.   I don't get to see them as often as I'd like and I didn't let the breakdown get the best of me.  Instead we just laughed about it:)  Dawn took us to the car shop to grab the car seats and dropped us off safely at home...Hey, it could be worse, right?

------------

We decided we all needed some fresh air after our adventure this afternoon so we walked (that is what people that do not have a functioning car do, ya know?) to the speed trap.  The kids told Aaron about our day and we continued to laugh at our misfortunes.  "Raindrops are Falling on my Head" started playing on the radio and Aaron looked up as if it was really raining on his head.  I asked him if it was supposed to rain tonight and he shrugged the I don't know shrug. 

We ordered our ice cream and decided that I would take the kids to my moms and he was going to head home to meet up with his buddy.   We walked outside and looked at each other...you have got to be kidding, right?  Dark skies were moving quickly our way.  He walked us to Water Street and ran home...he didn't make it before it poured on him.  I ran...with all three kids...and a wagon to my moms, but we made it.  The rain started seconds after we busted through the door. 

Oh, and right before we walked to the Speed Trap, she, the bitchy van, decided to start honking at us again...so we disconnected her battery:)

Hey!  How was your weekend???

DON'T ASK!!!

Missing Pipi

I haven't taken the time to write about grief in a long time.  I pray for people that are grieving often.  I pray for my friends that are pre-grieving as they are aware of an impending death of a loved one.  I pray for my friends that are struggling to stay above water as the grief is so new and tangible.  I pray for my family and friends who have made it through the first year and the thirtieth year.  Yet, I haven't taken the time to put grief into words in a long time.

I'm forced to think about it lately because Camille is struggling with her emotions.  Lately anytime she starts to cry, her response when you ask her what is wrong is "I miss my Pipi!" It had been quite some time since she said this before the last week or so...probably at least six months.  When she started saying it again I shrugged her off.  I thought to myself: 'get a grip Cami, you are just playin' me'.  I really didn't think she was remembering my Dad.  Until a few nights ago when we were in the garage, just the two of us, and she said "Momma, do you remember when we took a walk with Pipi in his wheelchair?  I sat on his lap."

She wasn't in one of her pouting moods. She wasn't upset or trying to play me to get me to baby her. She was just remembering.   The memory came to her out of the blue and I could see in her face that she was remembering the special day that she sat in my Dad's wheelchair and we walked around the neighborhood together.  I suppose it shouldn't surprise me that it happens this way for my cuddly four year old, it's the way it happens to me, but I didn't truly believe she was feeling the 'missing' emotion before she told me about her memory.  I make it a point to talk to my friends and family when I think they are feeling this emotion...I need to take the time to discuss the difficult topic with Camille, too.

One of my friends is dealing with a parent with a brain tumor.  As she tells stories about her mom and the struggles she is facing it is all too familiar.  Steroids causing emotional roller coasters, changing soiled clothes and sheets, family stress, decisions, end of life care.  TOUGH STUFF. 

I don't usually think about the memories during the last few months when I think about my dad, but when I hear the stories about my friends mom and out of the mouth of my baby girl, it's tough again.  Those memories flood my mind and I am so very thankful for that time together, but I also remember praying for peace.

Tonight, I stayed up late to remember by myself.  I'm better able to catch my breath these days when I look at pictures or close my eyes and remember, but the pain will probably always be strong enough to take it away initially.  Continued prayers to my friends grieving in anticipation of what is to come, to those that are burying their mom this week,  to those who buried their boyfriend and Pippi recently, and to all of people who ache where there is a piece missing.

Missing Pipi.