Estate Planning 101

I work for an estate planning attorney.  I fully understand the importance of estate planning documents.  I do not want burden my loved ones with difficult decisions when avoidable.  I do not want them to wonder what I would have wanted if life sustaining procedures are discussed.  We don't have a ton of money, so the documents aren't really to protect our financial investments, but investments that are so much more important: our children, our integrity, our wishes and desires.

I knew that I should have had these documents typed and signed a long time ago, but when you have to type your name on this type of document, it's a tough pill to swallow.  I actually drafted them a while ago and then put them off to the side.

We're young and healthy.  I'll do it tomorrow.  Aaron knows what I would want and what are the chances of something happening to both of us?

You know, justifying your actions/inactions.  (I'm really good at that.)

Anyways, I'm already struggling to catch my breath these days and these documents simply make everything more real and now.  More, you need to get things in order today, not tomorrow.  The cumulative effect of treatment is wearing my body out.  One of my friends texted me last week something to the tune of: You're making this look too easy.

I suppose this is a common misconception.  Very few people know when I'm truly struggling and it probably goes back to FB vs. Real Life.  FB is a highlight film, full of the really great stuff that happens each day.  Real life is completely different.  Although I am generally a very positive and upbeat person in real life, I don't usually share the really craptastic stories on facebook or my blog until time has healed whatever wounds are associated with the craptastic story.

In real life, the unedited version of being "Strong" and unfazed even during brutal treatment isn't quite as sunshine-y and a lot less rainbow-y than I am able to cover with a pretty smile.

Many times during this treatment I have thought to myself, "Good God, how do people that aren't strong before this survive?"  Or today's thought, "It's a good thing I'm a confident person, because if this were some people I know, they'd just die from embarrassment!"

This morning I woke with a nose bleed, a head ache and all over body aches.  I popped an Aleve and drove into work as if everything was NORMAL.  This afternoon I was working on a project with one of my bosses and he made me giggle and I shot blood all over the papers we were working on.  We were able to laugh about it, but I'm sure he's going to report to my other bosses regarding the incident because it's scary and not normal.  I'm expecting a card from his wife by the weekend because she'll hear the story and want to send a bottle of whiskey, but will settle for a card.

(Yes, I have called my oncologist.  She thinks it's just due to dry air and chemo drying me out, not anything serious like low platelets.  Saline nose spray before bed and check in with them tomorrow.)

So, when you add up the things that I'm struggling with each day, finalizing documents that read: "Death is as much a reality as birth, growth, maturity and old age; it is the only certainty.  I do not fear death as much as I fear the indignity of deterioration, dependence and hopeless pain." it's quite simply just another pill that I don't want to swallow, but will.

Because I'm a planner. Because I AM strong. Because I want the best for my loved ones. Because in the big picture I need to do my best to protect my monsters in life or death.

But it's not easy.  It's not facebook.  It's not the edited version.  It's real life.

Love always,


 

My Grace is Sufficient for You

Every other week I have chemotherapy.  Every other Monday I start mentally and physically preparing for the treatment.  I pretend that I'm a camel and fill up my humps.  I hate water, but I force myself to drink tons and tons so that I'm hydrated and they can get a "clean stick" the first time.  (I'm over having an IV placed right now and when it takes two/three attempts I am not a nice patient!) By Monday I'm also feeling the strongest physically since my previous blasting, so I usually walk or jog. I also start mentally preparing.  I start coaching myself: You can do this.  You are stronger than cancer.  You have so much to live for. You have to give it your all.  Look at that precious little monster sleeping in your arms, she needs you.  Or who will tell Lilly how to stop the nightmares?  Or baby Keegan because he's such a flippin' cry baby?

Every other week I think about everything I'm fighting for so that I can make myself get in the car and drive to Cleveland for poison.  By the time they place my IV, I'm ready to get the show on the road.  One step closer to the end of treatment.  I thought to myself, "One more after today!"

And then the doctor walked in and told me that I was not able to have chemo because my numbers were too low.

Unfortunately, I know too much about cancer and numbers and risks and when she said I was neutropenic, I knew that I wasn't going to have treatment.  Even if I begged and pleaded.  Even if I cried...usually when I cry, I get my way. I have a really ugly cry face and it works on most people.  But not on doctors that are trying to save your life.

DEVASTATED. PISSED. CRUSHED. I HATE THIS! I WANT HAIR.  I WANT TO WORKOUT. I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL.  WHY!?!?!?!?

"Just try to enjoy this week while you feel well!"  Ummm, eff off.  I just want to be done!

"We're in this to cure you, we don't want to risk putting you in the hospital." Ummm, eff off.  I've been around 90 little kids, wiping their nose for the last three days, I'm not sick.  Give me the poison.

Yet, I was able to compose myself. I thanked my wonderful oncologist and gave her a half-hearted smile when I told her I'd see her next week.

But I was in shut down mode when we left the clinic.  I shut myself in my room Wednesday night and read an entire book on Thursday.  I did only the things that needed to be done and not a single task more. Complete Disconnect.  My monsters must have picked up on my mood because bedtime Thursday night was rough; full of questions about cancer, treatment, treatable vs. non treatable diseases...death.  I went to bed knowing that I wasted the day, nearly drowning in my self pity and scaring my little ones in the process as they witnessed the shut down.

Friday morning I woke up and looked at the time on my phone.  It was 7am.  I cried knowing that Brenda was praying for me right that very moment.  She prays for me every. single. morning at 7.  Friday morning I joined her in prayer. 

I didn't pray for my numbers to go up.  I didn't pray for the cure to cancer.  Instead, I prayed for forgiveness.  Forgiveness for wasting an entire day.  A day that I could have spent loving; enjoying all of my blessings.

Right then, I decided to start climbing again and thought of these lyrics by Laura Story:

"My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face,
You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace"

Last night when I went slogging, I listened to the song and decided I should probably share my blessings.  I'll be singing "Grace" by Laura Story during church August 4th at 10:30am, Woodville United Methodist Church.

2 Corinthians 12:9

New International Version (NIV)

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Seeking His face,



 

Forever Friends

A couple months before I was diagnosed, I asked for prayers for one of my forever friends: http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2013/02/praying-for-strong-lungs-and-bright.html

A few years ago, I celebrated one of her big moments with her: http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2011/10/once-upon-time-there-were-two-white.html (Syn, you were married in 2011 since you can't remember;))

I think about Syndi often and we talk regularly, but we don't get to visit in person very often.  This visit she reminded me why I love her so much.  She reminded me what is so very important in any friendship.  There is a special bond that I share with my forever friends.  There is a reason why I get so excited when I get to hang out with the few people that actually "get" me AND still want to be my friend;)  Anyways, we were chatting and she stopped mid-conversation to tell me this:

Laura, I love talking to you.  You have opinions that I want to hear, even if they're different than mine.  I just love our conversations.

And that is the best compliment that I've had in a very long time. I am so fortunate to feel the same way when I'm with my forever friends. We can converse about difficult topics that we have different opinions on or sit in complete silence without feeling awkward or forced or judged.

I "bullied" Tam into coming home at the same time Syndi did.  At first she resisted my begging and pleading, but when I opened up to her and told her that I really needed her to come home, she started packing.  At the half way point of chemo, I was tired and needed a pick-me-up.  I needed the people that I can let down my guard to be there; to listen and laugh with. 

Sometimes we just assume that our friends and family know that we love them and value them.  We simply don't tell them that we love them and need them as often as we should.  Even when we make fun of their gray hair or out of control eyebrows or dirty volleyball feet, we love them.

Because they are

Forever friends.

White Star trip was one of the many fun things we did during the week full of friends.  Syndi, Tam, Andrea, Julie, Ben, Heather, Courtney, Aaron and LOTS of monsters invaded the beach.  The kids had a blast and the adults were able to visit. 

This kid is my fierce protector:

NOLAN!! Love him to pieces!

 

Who knew that tornado warnings could be so entertaining!?!

 

National Mojito Day!!  I'm not sure if Ash was making it up, but we went with it!!  Amy, Amanda and Krista came to play later, too!  Amanda and Krista brought a super awesome surprise from them and my church friends, but I'll write a post about that soon;) 

 

Lots of other fun was enjoyed, but I am consciously trying to put down my phone more often and enjoy the moment rather than try to capture it in pictures!  So very grateful to have such a loving support group!

 

Squeezed directly in the middle of out of state visits with friends was our 9th anniversary.  It's fitting to add a blurb about Aaron in my forever friends post since he is my best forever friend.  Even when I don't THINK he's listening, he is.  Even when he is trying NOT to listen, he is.   A few weeks before our anniversary, he mentioned that he had a surprise for me.  Did ya'll know that I don't like surprises? Anyways,  I tried for three weeks to get him to spill the beans, but he wouldn't.  Finally the day of our anniversary arrived and he asked if I would join him for a theatre performance.  The very same performance that we went to see on our honeymoon: "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change". We enjoyed wonderful dinner conversation, found a high class Jojo's in Huron and whispered and giggled to each other during the performance...just like we did when we were newlyweds.

 

This man that shares a bed with me, he is one of the best around.   During times of trial, he is always at his very best.  I mean, he did smile the entire week during my friend invasion...oh, and I suppose he's been pretty AMAZING during this whole cancer thing;)  I'm proud to call him my best friend.

 

I was able to visit with Susan, Amy and Becky with our monsters in Becky's beautiful backyard.  I enjoyed a couple of my new favorite beers with Lindsay, Ash and Laura. **THANK YOU TARA, KORI and LINDSAY for the special deliveries.  Most of the Runion clan enjoyed a pizza party on the big deck. I wish we could squeeze in the Bennington's this week too, but it's time for the @#!)$*#%#) treatment again. 

 

Thanks to everyone that made time to visit this week.   The laughs and the tears are exactly what I needed to get me through the next couple treatments.

 

 

To my forever friends:

I love you.  You're perfect. 

Please DON'T change!

 

 

Bedtime!! Week of food, fun and friendship was exhausting!

 

Goodnight,

No tent, but survived with a smile

I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't disappointed to miss the beer tent.  Even if it was a flooded, rainy mess, I wanted to be there.  It's the carnival and it's my favorite time of year!  Warm beer out of a pitcher in a big tent full of people I've known my entire life.  You just can't beat that!

But, I suppose, life saving medicines are necessary.  My body tolerated this treatment a little better than the last round and I was able to get out of the house a little more. (I drank a TON of water before and after treatment like I'm supposed to, so I'm guessing that's why.)  My numbers were great and I did not need the shot of nuelasta:) We enjoyed lots of laughs with my cousins, visitors from Texas, watched the parade with my monsters...we even made it down to the carny long enough to win a fish and eat an elephant ear (Thanks to Reardon's for treating;)).

Not quite the same as riding the rocko planes and sipping warm beer, but I survived;)

Quick update this week because I have house guests:)  Syndi and Tam and LOTS of additional monsters have invaded the Strong house, so no time to write!  We have fun planned all week and I'll try to snap a few photos!

Medical update: Hematologist cleared me for surgery.  I did not have to turn him into a green alien.  He attributed the blood clot to pregnancy and postpartum and praised Dr. Afridi for remarkable results.  (I had an extensive DVT.  My leg was HUGE and when he did surgery he could not guarantee that it would ever return to normal size or that I would be able to return to normal activity without swelling.  My leg is almost normal size (I'm the only one that notices the difference), I have a strong pulse in my foot and I am very active and do not wear a stocking.)  Yippee!! Let's chop them off!

Two more treatments to go!

************************

Happy First Birthday, Adrie!! :)

6 of 8!

He really does love me despite, well, me being me:)

Cookies and milk for breakfast when Keegs has Mommy to himself:)

 

KIDDIE PARADE WITH THE MONSTERS! My bandana was first worn by Shannon Tobias.  She was loved by so many and missed dearly.  Thanks so much for the angel love, Shawnee!

CURLY COUSINS!

The monsters, well and Jason (he thinks he's still a kid), played the most intense game of downpour rain kickball ever.  Fish fry with my cousins was better than the beer tent in all honesty.  We didn't get to take a golf cart ride because I was too achy, but they had me in tears from laughter simply sitting on the porch together. Crazy, Saturday Night Live skit material, but I should probably not blog about it;)

 

We also had a few heavy conversations.  Heid tested positive for the same BRCA mutation as I did, so the Runion clan is practicing Be Ready and Cancer Aware.  My cousins and Aunt are getting tested and mentally preparing for the what-ifs that accompany the faulty gene.  I'm praying for them not to have the faulty gene, please join me. Another month/two of waiting for results is not really what our family needs at this point, but we're strong and aware.

 

And we have faith and hope and love.

 

Lots and lots of love,

 

 

 

Medical Update

It's been a while since I've updated on the medical stuff.  I'm going to try to make this one all medical, so if you're not interested in the medical update, no need to read on.

I have completed four treatments of the chemo concoction  (A-Adriamycin and C-Cytoxan) and I have three more treatments of T-Taxol for a total of 4.  My last chemo treatment is scheduled for July 31, 2013.

The side effects are manageable, but some of them are a pain in the ass.

A more complete list of side effects: http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/side_effects

But, my least favorites are:

Hot flashes!  Women talk about hot flashes, but this is serious business.  Waking up drenched in sweat and stripping your clothes as fast as possible is not fun...it may be entertaining to the male sharing your bed, but it's not fun!

Hemorrhoids: http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2013/06/shit-happens-but-what-happens-when-it.html

Buzzing in my ear.  I think it's called tinnitus.  It's annoying and when it happens it makes me think I'm losing my mind-or what's left of it at least!

The aches, but I think these are the easiest for me to deal with because I fully anticipated them.  NOT looking forward to having them during the carni time!! The carni will miss me if I can't make it down there.  I've been there every year since I can remember!  SIDE NOTE: GENTLE HUGS if you see me this week!

 

------------------------------------------

In one of my first posts about my diagnosis, I talked about the type of cancer and plan of action. (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma: Estrogen-receptor positive (ER+), Progestrone-receptor positive (PR+), AND HER2-NEGATIVE!)  I didn't really touch on the staging or the extremely frightening things that connect to a stage-like statistics.  I don't like to think about it.  I don't want to know. I want to believe that it doesn't matter.  The next medical treatment will be surgery. I do not have a date yet, but it will either be the last week of August or the first week of September.  They will stage me during surgery.

So, the anxiety is back.  Anxiety is cruel, but I'm trying to stick with just a medical update so I'll steer clear of this subject or it would take over the post.

During surgery they will HOPEFULLY be chopping off both second bases.  I have a history of blood clots, so we are meeting with a hematologist (blood doc) this week.  If he gives the green light, they will take them both at the same time. (If he says no, I will shoot laser beams out of my eyes, turn him into a green alien, and get a second opinion.)

Either way, one boob at a time or two, during surgery they will shoot dye under my left arm and see how many lymph nodes light up.  The fewer the number, the better.  They will take any and all that are suspicious.  The more they have to take, the higher the risk of lymphodema (Andre the Giant arm) and a high number is also an indication of the stupid ass cancer cells floating around other places in my body (MEDICAL LANGUAGE THERE;)).

Once they take all of the tissue and skin, a plastic surgeon will take over for the general surgeon and he will put in tissue expanders and sew me up.  I will only stay in the hospital a day or two and they'll send me on my merry way, very heavily medicated.  Along with the tissue expanders, I'll have drain tubes.  I've heard they are *Super awesome and I can't wait!

They will let me heal for a while and then they will start adding fluid to make my new rack. Once every week/two depending how quickly my skin stretches they will add more fluid.  *You know, since that's the reason I'm going through hell, just to get a new rack.

After they inflate my new rack to my liking, I will have 35 radiation treatments.  Once a day for 7 weeks, they will zap the spots that are known to have cancer cells ONCE living (they will all be dead when they're done is the hope).

More healing time will be granted following radiation and once the plastic surgeon feels comfortable, he will take out the tissue expanders and put in my nice, new implants.

So, that's the plan.  Pray that I don't have to turn the blood doctor into an alien because I'm fully prepared to do so if necessary.


*HEAVY, VERY HEAVY, SARCASM


Everyone have a blessed Independence Day!!  I think I'll work on teaching Cami and Keegs the 50 Nifty United States song and send Lilly and Aaron to fetch elephant ears and fries and cotton candy!

Lots of love,

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SURPRISE!

 PLANNER.  I'm a planner.  I plan days, weeks, months in advance.  I even plan "nothing days" where I plan to do nothing but play with the monsters.  Either way, they're scheduled days, written in the planner.

I've written about and told many people how I feel about surprises, but I don't think people understand.  I do not like surprises. 

When I was 10 my mom had a surprise party at a skating rink.  I cried and whined the entire way to the rink because I didn't want to go roller skating. Then, when we arrived, 10 of my friends were there with presents and cake and I looked like an ass for being such a brat.

When I was 16, she did it again!  She had Laurie and Laura drag me out of the house kicking and screaming because I didn't feel well.  They attempted to entertain me by line dancing on a country road and I was a major witch to them and demanded that they take me home.  I walked into a house full of friends, my first boy/girl party.  I took off my shoe and threw it at my mom.

I do not like surprises.

I'm not a huge fan of accepting gifts either.  I am a giver; the one that coordinates the cool fundraising ideas.  I have only been on the giving end until recently and it's very difficult for me to graciously accept all of the things people have given to our family.

Well, tonight Erin and Travis Nicolaysen joined our family for dinner.  This is not uncommon for us.  They met us for family vacation a couple years ago.  They make time to see us whenever they come back this way.  They are part of our family.  When Laine asked Aaron if we were busy and she said they have a surprise for us and to get a sub for volleyball, I was a brat.  I love to play ball.  It's one of the few things that I can still do (don't tell my oncologist, I'm sure I shouldn't be playing) and most likely I will not be able to play after surgery for a long time, if ever.  So, of course I was a brat and asked Aaron: Can't we have a picnic at the volleyball court?  My (annoyingly polite) husband told me no and that he had already invited them over for my mom's birthday dinner.  I pouted all week.

I worked 8-530 today. (I've been working shorter hours since treatment started. Don't get all excited.  I have been putting off this client meeting for a while as I knew it would be a long day.)  I was exhausted, but I was excited to see my wild and crazy brothers, Jake and Treydog and the rest of my family. We hugged and visited and then it was time to eat.  We sat down and everyone got weird.  Here we go, a surprise.

Travis and Erin set up a fundraiser without us knowing and raised a shit-ton of money.  Travis presented the donations in the most loving and Godly way possible.  It was overwhelming and beautiful.

And everyone in the room was crying except me.

Everyone left and Aaron said, is it bad that we didn't cry?  Everyone else was crying.  Does that make us seem ungrateful?

Laine called my mom and said they didn't know how to gauge my reaction for the same reason.

I'm simply not a person that cries easily.  I cried a couple weeks ago when I talked to my friends that paid my utility bill. I cried on Sunday because I've been sad about Pastor Jen leaving for quite some time.  That should do me for public crying for a good month/two/year/five years.  Even with everything going on, I'm simply not one to cry in front of people...especially when I'm surprised.

I do want everyone to know that even though I didn't cry, we are beyond thankful and feel so very blessed to be loved by SO.MANY.PEOPLE. All over the world, people are praying.  Fierce, bold, prayers of healing for me and that is the single most humbling thing I have ever been a part of.  People that I have never met, have once again come together to show support for this ugly disease and it's unbelievable and overwhelming. 

It's crazy and we are beyond thankful, but it is also VERY difficult for me. 

They say, it's better to give than to receive.  In my case this is so very true.  I was taught to work hard for what you want, be nice to others, and help whenever you can.  I know that is what people are doing for me now, it's just hard to graciously accept all of the wonderful, overwhelming support.

After the shock wore off and it was just Travis and I talking, my pseudo-family, I was able to speak to him candidly and actually thank him for all that he did.  Still, during that moment when he was presenting the donation, the surprise and disbelief won.  I just shook my head and made sarcastic remarks and self depreciating jokes. I suppose he's lucky I didn't throw a shoe at him! ;)

Thank you again, from the very bottom of our hearts for all of the support. 

We love you!

Blessed beyond words,


PS:  Aaron is planning a surprise for our anniversary.  He must want a shoe to the face! ;)

PPS: So very annoyed with the POPO.  Travis fell victim to the Woodville speedtrap and was issued a ticket for speeding in front of His and Hers Hair Salon...where tons of people speed.  He came to town just to give me a very special surprise and his reward is a speeding ticket.  #$)(#*%)(#@$&*%#)

Enough? Never Sleeps? Fun? Tired? Pain? Goodbyes? Silent?

Maybe it's because I haven't taken the time to write with regularity?  Maybe it's because I'm tired?  Or because Aaron's on midnights and Keegs has a cough so he's keeping me up at night?  Or because I have to go back to work tomorrow after being off nearly a full week?  Or because Shari mentioned a lack of nose hair and ever since I feel like I can't wipe my nose enough?  Maybe it's because I'm trying to maintain a normal schedule, but I need to say no more often? Or because I can't express the gratitude I feel in my heart?   *Or because it makes me angry when I see an old man smoking a cigarette? **Or that it pisses me off when my friends workout together? Maybe it's because life doesn't stop or slow down just because I'm fighting?

Probably it's a combination of all of them, but either way my mind is racing and there is not a possibility of a post that actually flows this week.  There are simply too many things going on in my head to focus on one, so I'll update on how I'm feeling and share whatever spills out.

Enough

A girlfriend shared this post with me and it's worth the read: http://lusaorganics.typepad.com/clean/2013/06/are-you-enough.html

Lilly's teacher stopped me at a wedding to tell me what a great job we are doing with our oldest monster.  How she is compassionate and caring to all of her classmates and it was a honor to have her in class...sometimes it's nice to hear that type of thing because our minds can be cruel and often make us wonder if we are enough! Lately it feels like my mind...

Never Sleeps.

 

The relay went better than anticipated. Surrounded by both my best of friends and complete strangers, I walked the survivor lap. I watched my friends pictures flash on the slide show. I watched my cousins picture flash on the slide show. I watched my dads picture flash on the slide show. I watched my picture flash on the slide show. I walked by luminary after luminary with names of people that I love and care for. And I prayed for cures and miracles.

 

 

Do not have a picture of Debbie Dell's "In Memory of" luminary:/

 

 

I woke up to a text that I'll have to change a bag next year from "in honor of" to "in memory of" and it was an in-the-face reminder that cancer never sleeps.

 

Always in our hearts:

 

And a reminder to live each day and fill it with...

Fun.

We managed to squeeze in lots of fun during treatment week this time!  We stayed at my uncles trailer and the monsters had a blast exploring and swimming with some of their bestest friends.  I'm so fortunate to have friends that are willing to drop everything to make my life a little easier.  We had a lovely visit at Lakeside.  We played volleyball, attended weddings and pool parties, but I'm...

Tired.

I'm not sure if it's the cumulative effect of the treatments or because I'm trying to maintain our normal schedule, but I'm tired.  Tired of looking at the laundry and housework, but not wanting to do it.  Tired of wanting to feel normal.  Tired of being tired. Tired of being in...

Pain.

Round 5 of 8 complete.  More than half way there. Alleluia! When I started treatment Heid asked quite a few times questions like: "Are you sure you feel ok?"  Each time I would tell her that I felt ok, just tired and a little achy.   This round I felt what she was talking about.  I stood at the bottom of the stairs and in my mind it felt like the stairs were so high and nearly insurmountable.  I chased after the monsters and I survived, but the pain is real now.  My legs feel like they are 1,000 pounds each and some steps it feels like they might simply buckle under me.  And then there is a different kind of pain, the pain of..

Goodbyes.

 "Until we meet again" is equally taxing on my spirit that I'm trying so desperately to feed with nourishment right now.  Pastor Jen has taught me how to feed my spirit when I feel like it's running on empty and I'm forever grateful.  I knew that her last Sunday was going to be difficult.  When she told me that the choir was singing "I Believe" I knew in my heart that I wouldn't be able to make it through the service without tears.

 Thanks for the video, Grant!

Because I believe in God even when God is Silent.

 

*I have smoked socially since college. I even smoked after I was diagnosed. I still want to smoke, but understand that I can't if I want to live. And it pisses me off that some people "get" to smoke their whole lives and never have any health problems...

**I want my friends to lead healthy, active lives. I want them to workout and be healthy and happy. But it sucks when it is hard for me to walk up the stairs to go to bed when I really just want to go running with them and bitch about things that don't matter in the big scheme of things. Jealousy.

 

EFF YOU CANCER!

Thank you is not enough...unbelievable, selfless, not for recognition.