Enough? Never Sleeps? Fun? Tired? Pain? Goodbyes? Silent?

Maybe it's because I haven't taken the time to write with regularity?  Maybe it's because I'm tired?  Or because Aaron's on midnights and Keegs has a cough so he's keeping me up at night?  Or because I have to go back to work tomorrow after being off nearly a full week?  Or because Shari mentioned a lack of nose hair and ever since I feel like I can't wipe my nose enough?  Maybe it's because I'm trying to maintain a normal schedule, but I need to say no more often? Or because I can't express the gratitude I feel in my heart?   *Or because it makes me angry when I see an old man smoking a cigarette? **Or that it pisses me off when my friends workout together? Maybe it's because life doesn't stop or slow down just because I'm fighting?

Probably it's a combination of all of them, but either way my mind is racing and there is not a possibility of a post that actually flows this week.  There are simply too many things going on in my head to focus on one, so I'll update on how I'm feeling and share whatever spills out.

Enough

A girlfriend shared this post with me and it's worth the read: http://lusaorganics.typepad.com/clean/2013/06/are-you-enough.html

Lilly's teacher stopped me at a wedding to tell me what a great job we are doing with our oldest monster.  How she is compassionate and caring to all of her classmates and it was a honor to have her in class...sometimes it's nice to hear that type of thing because our minds can be cruel and often make us wonder if we are enough! Lately it feels like my mind...

Never Sleeps.

 

The relay went better than anticipated. Surrounded by both my best of friends and complete strangers, I walked the survivor lap. I watched my friends pictures flash on the slide show. I watched my cousins picture flash on the slide show. I watched my dads picture flash on the slide show. I watched my picture flash on the slide show. I walked by luminary after luminary with names of people that I love and care for. And I prayed for cures and miracles.

 

 

Do not have a picture of Debbie Dell's "In Memory of" luminary:/

 

 

I woke up to a text that I'll have to change a bag next year from "in honor of" to "in memory of" and it was an in-the-face reminder that cancer never sleeps.

 

Always in our hearts:

 

And a reminder to live each day and fill it with...

Fun.

We managed to squeeze in lots of fun during treatment week this time!  We stayed at my uncles trailer and the monsters had a blast exploring and swimming with some of their bestest friends.  I'm so fortunate to have friends that are willing to drop everything to make my life a little easier.  We had a lovely visit at Lakeside.  We played volleyball, attended weddings and pool parties, but I'm...

Tired.

I'm not sure if it's the cumulative effect of the treatments or because I'm trying to maintain our normal schedule, but I'm tired.  Tired of looking at the laundry and housework, but not wanting to do it.  Tired of wanting to feel normal.  Tired of being tired. Tired of being in...

Pain.

Round 5 of 8 complete.  More than half way there. Alleluia! When I started treatment Heid asked quite a few times questions like: "Are you sure you feel ok?"  Each time I would tell her that I felt ok, just tired and a little achy.   This round I felt what she was talking about.  I stood at the bottom of the stairs and in my mind it felt like the stairs were so high and nearly insurmountable.  I chased after the monsters and I survived, but the pain is real now.  My legs feel like they are 1,000 pounds each and some steps it feels like they might simply buckle under me.  And then there is a different kind of pain, the pain of..

Goodbyes.

 "Until we meet again" is equally taxing on my spirit that I'm trying so desperately to feed with nourishment right now.  Pastor Jen has taught me how to feed my spirit when I feel like it's running on empty and I'm forever grateful.  I knew that her last Sunday was going to be difficult.  When she told me that the choir was singing "I Believe" I knew in my heart that I wouldn't be able to make it through the service without tears.

 Thanks for the video, Grant!

Because I believe in God even when God is Silent.

 

*I have smoked socially since college. I even smoked after I was diagnosed. I still want to smoke, but understand that I can't if I want to live. And it pisses me off that some people "get" to smoke their whole lives and never have any health problems...

**I want my friends to lead healthy, active lives. I want them to workout and be healthy and happy. But it sucks when it is hard for me to walk up the stairs to go to bed when I really just want to go running with them and bitch about things that don't matter in the big scheme of things. Jealousy.

 

EFF YOU CANCER!

Thank you is not enough...unbelievable, selfless, not for recognition.