Friday night is the Relay for Life. Most of this post is a re-post from last year. Bold print is used for the 2013 additions.
Nothing has changed, but so much has changed at the same time. More people have been added to the list of survivors, fighters and loved ones remembered. I have been added to the list of fighters. Yet, it brings all of the same emotions back.
My biggest fear is now reality. http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/06/biggest-fear.html
So, I'm not really feeling up to writing a new serious post this week. This week has been one of my tough weeks. Not because I'm not feeling well, I feel great. But because of hard appointments and decisions for care and tough conversations and this feeling of empathy that burns a line directly to my soul and because this week was already going to be hard enough. One of the weeks where I could get stuck at the bottom of the hill of this roller coaster, but I'm choosing to climb back up. Slow and steady, but I'm getting there.
Friday will make me a stronger person. Friday is Relay Day:
It is both a day that I anticipate and dread.
It is a reminder that people win the fight! The survivor lap is proof. All cancer survivors take a lap together and wear a different colored shirt in honor of their fight. When they take their lap so many thoughts flood my mind. I think about walking over to my friends workplace to give her a prayer shawl and how beautiful she looked that day despite her fears. Tears start to form as I think about the time that I stopped by Heidi's house and she opened the door without her wig on. It makes me smile to think of when Cheryl and Jess realized at bunco that they endured treatment together so many years ago and joked about how they look much different with hair and color in their skin! How difficult it must have been for Jess to move away when her Dad was still completing his treatment regimen. I vividly remember when Amy called to tell me that Danny had lung cancer. I wish Amanda didn't have the scars to prove she's a survivor. I wish Matt didn't have to have a Happy Cancer Day! I think about how they fought so hard and won! Through the treatments, the hair loss, the damaged vocal chords, the tattooed eyebrows, the new boobies, the doctors appointments and so much more. I can't even fathom what it is going through their minds!
It is a reminder of sweet, handsome Connor who is currently fighting the dreaded C word. He is already a warrior and he's only 9 (He's 10 now;))! How his loving parents have to explain why and what is going on with his body. "He's had good days and bad days. Mouth sores, nerve pain and nausea. There was about ten days straight that I think he threw up at least once a day." -Sarah, Connor's Mom You can follow the rest of his treatment here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/connorrequena And CONTINUE TO pray for him daily.
It is a reminder of the very powerful bond that was created when I went over to drop off a little love to Rhiannon when she was having her hair shortened. A reminder of her strength as she continues to fight.
It is a reminder of a friends dad who lived so much longer than his stated odds. That lived his life to treasure each moment. That smiled every chance he got, rode his motorcycle when he was able and cherished his time with his family. Always kept his faith in our Lord above. Who we laid to rest this year and celebrated his life.
It is a reminder that it doesn't get any easier when I hear about a friend that has to watch their parent grow weak and pray for miracles because I know the pain that they are experiencing too well.
It is a reminder of medical terms and brain mets. Out of town visitors and meaningful time with family. Hospice rooms and final goodbyes.
It is a reminder that eventually I'll have to visit the funeral home again because of cancer until the cure is found.
It is a reminder of the deadly disease that stole my dad, Tammy's mom, Andrea's mom, Heather D's dad, Heather J's dad, so many, too many.
It is a reminder that the stupid *#$&(^)!@$&@#*^&(# cancer is in my body right now. A reminder that I will finish the chemo soon and I will have surgery and have to wake up to hear whether they were able to get clear margins. That this roller coaster ride is one that I will be on forever now.
But is also a reminder of HOPE.
Hope that I see every day in my children. In the unexpected and unexplainable gifts that I have received. The never ending prayers and eased burdens and shared stories and just pure love that you all continue to share with me.
Hope for the cure so my babies can walk only to celebrate, not to remember.
Friday I relay. Sunday is Father's Day. The third year I will not buy a golf shirt and golf balls. Emotional is an understatement.
With tears in my eyes, I hope for a cure. I hope that each day I make my Dad smile down at me at least once. I hope that those that are battling find comfort in His promises to us. I hope that the survivors know how proud I am of them.
Nothing has changed, but so much has changed at the same time. More people have been added to the list of survivors, fighters and loved ones remembered. I have been added to the list of fighters. Yet, it brings all of the same emotions back.
My biggest fear is now reality. http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/06/biggest-fear.html
So, I'm not really feeling up to writing a new serious post this week. This week has been one of my tough weeks. Not because I'm not feeling well, I feel great. But because of hard appointments and decisions for care and tough conversations and this feeling of empathy that burns a line directly to my soul and because this week was already going to be hard enough. One of the weeks where I could get stuck at the bottom of the hill of this roller coaster, but I'm choosing to climb back up. Slow and steady, but I'm getting there.
Friday will make me a stronger person. Friday is Relay Day:
It is both a day that I anticipate and dread.
It is a reminder that people win the fight! The survivor lap is proof. All cancer survivors take a lap together and wear a different colored shirt in honor of their fight. When they take their lap so many thoughts flood my mind. I think about walking over to my friends workplace to give her a prayer shawl and how beautiful she looked that day despite her fears. Tears start to form as I think about the time that I stopped by Heidi's house and she opened the door without her wig on. It makes me smile to think of when Cheryl and Jess realized at bunco that they endured treatment together so many years ago and joked about how they look much different with hair and color in their skin! How difficult it must have been for Jess to move away when her Dad was still completing his treatment regimen. I vividly remember when Amy called to tell me that Danny had lung cancer. I wish Amanda didn't have the scars to prove she's a survivor. I wish Matt didn't have to have a Happy Cancer Day! I think about how they fought so hard and won! Through the treatments, the hair loss, the damaged vocal chords, the tattooed eyebrows, the new boobies, the doctors appointments and so much more. I can't even fathom what it is going through their minds!
It is a reminder of sweet, handsome Connor who is currently fighting the dreaded C word. He is already a warrior and he's only 9 (He's 10 now;))! How his loving parents have to explain why and what is going on with his body. "He's had good days and bad days. Mouth sores, nerve pain and nausea. There was about ten days straight that I think he threw up at least once a day." -Sarah, Connor's Mom You can follow the rest of his treatment here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/connorrequena And CONTINUE TO pray for him daily.
It is a reminder of the very powerful bond that was created when I went over to drop off a little love to Rhiannon when she was having her hair shortened. A reminder of her strength as she continues to fight.
It is a reminder of a friends dad who lived so much longer than his stated odds. That lived his life to treasure each moment. That smiled every chance he got, rode his motorcycle when he was able and cherished his time with his family. Always kept his faith in our Lord above. Who we laid to rest this year and celebrated his life.
It is a reminder that it doesn't get any easier when I hear about a friend that has to watch their parent grow weak and pray for miracles because I know the pain that they are experiencing too well.
It is a reminder of medical terms and brain mets. Out of town visitors and meaningful time with family. Hospice rooms and final goodbyes.
It is a reminder that eventually I'll have to visit the funeral home again because of cancer until the cure is found.
It is a reminder of the deadly disease that stole my dad, Tammy's mom, Andrea's mom, Heather D's dad, Heather J's dad, so many, too many.
It is a reminder that the stupid *#$&(^)!@$&@#*^&(# cancer is in my body right now. A reminder that I will finish the chemo soon and I will have surgery and have to wake up to hear whether they were able to get clear margins. That this roller coaster ride is one that I will be on forever now.
But is also a reminder of HOPE.
Hope that I see every day in my children. In the unexpected and unexplainable gifts that I have received. The never ending prayers and eased burdens and shared stories and just pure love that you all continue to share with me.
Hope for the cure so my babies can walk only to celebrate, not to remember.
Friday I relay. Sunday is Father's Day. The third year I will not buy a golf shirt and golf balls. Emotional is an understatement.
With tears in my eyes, I hope for a cure. I hope that each day I make my Dad smile down at me at least once. I hope that those that are battling find comfort in His promises to us. I hope that the survivors know how proud I am of them.
I hope for miracles.
I hope for a cure.
Friday is relay day. Remember. Love. Hope.
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