Every other week I have chemotherapy. Every other Monday I start mentally and physically preparing for the treatment. I pretend that I'm a camel and fill up my humps. I hate water, but I force myself to drink tons and tons so that I'm hydrated and they can get a "clean stick" the first time. (I'm over having an IV placed right now and when it takes two/three attempts I am not a nice patient!) By Monday I'm also feeling the strongest physically since my previous blasting, so I usually walk or jog. I also start mentally preparing. I start coaching myself: You can do this. You are stronger than cancer. You have so much to live for. You have to give it your all. Look at that precious little monster sleeping in your arms, she needs you. Or who will tell Lilly how to stop the nightmares? Or baby Keegan because he's such a flippin' cry baby?
Every other week I think about everything I'm fighting for so that I can make myself get in the car and drive to Cleveland for poison. By the time they place my IV, I'm ready to get the show on the road. One step closer to the end of treatment. I thought to myself, "One more after today!"
And then the doctor walked in and told me that I was not able to have chemo because my numbers were too low.
Unfortunately, I know too much about cancer and numbers and risks and when she said I was neutropenic, I knew that I wasn't going to have treatment. Even if I begged and pleaded. Even if I cried...usually when I cry, I get my way. I have a really ugly cry face and it works on most people. But not on doctors that are trying to save your life.
DEVASTATED. PISSED. CRUSHED. I HATE THIS! I WANT HAIR. I WANT TO WORKOUT. I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL. WHY!?!?!?!?
"Just try to enjoy this week while you feel well!" Ummm, eff off. I just want to be done!
"We're in this to cure you, we don't want to risk putting you in the hospital." Ummm, eff off. I've been around 90 little kids, wiping their nose for the last three days, I'm not sick. Give me the poison.
Yet, I was able to compose myself. I thanked my wonderful oncologist and gave her a half-hearted smile when I told her I'd see her next week.
But I was in shut down mode when we left the clinic. I shut myself in my room Wednesday night and read an entire book on Thursday. I did only the things that needed to be done and not a single task more. Complete Disconnect. My monsters must have picked up on my mood because bedtime Thursday night was rough; full of questions about cancer, treatment, treatable vs. non treatable diseases...death. I went to bed knowing that I wasted the day, nearly drowning in my self pity and scaring my little ones in the process as they witnessed the shut down.
Friday morning I woke up and looked at the time on my phone. It was 7am. I cried knowing that Brenda was praying for me right that very moment. She prays for me every. single. morning at 7. Friday morning I joined her in prayer.
I didn't pray for my numbers to go up. I didn't pray for the cure to cancer. Instead, I prayed for forgiveness. Forgiveness for wasting an entire day. A day that I could have spent loving; enjoying all of my blessings.
Right then, I decided to start climbing again and thought of these lyrics by Laura Story:
"My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face,
You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace"
Last night when I went slogging, I listened to the song and decided I should probably share my blessings. I'll be singing "Grace" by Laura Story during church August 4th at 10:30am, Woodville United Methodist Church.
Seeking His face,
Every other week I think about everything I'm fighting for so that I can make myself get in the car and drive to Cleveland for poison. By the time they place my IV, I'm ready to get the show on the road. One step closer to the end of treatment. I thought to myself, "One more after today!"
And then the doctor walked in and told me that I was not able to have chemo because my numbers were too low.
Unfortunately, I know too much about cancer and numbers and risks and when she said I was neutropenic, I knew that I wasn't going to have treatment. Even if I begged and pleaded. Even if I cried...usually when I cry, I get my way. I have a really ugly cry face and it works on most people. But not on doctors that are trying to save your life.
DEVASTATED. PISSED. CRUSHED. I HATE THIS! I WANT HAIR. I WANT TO WORKOUT. I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL. WHY!?!?!?!?
"Just try to enjoy this week while you feel well!" Ummm, eff off. I just want to be done!
"We're in this to cure you, we don't want to risk putting you in the hospital." Ummm, eff off. I've been around 90 little kids, wiping their nose for the last three days, I'm not sick. Give me the poison.
Yet, I was able to compose myself. I thanked my wonderful oncologist and gave her a half-hearted smile when I told her I'd see her next week.
But I was in shut down mode when we left the clinic. I shut myself in my room Wednesday night and read an entire book on Thursday. I did only the things that needed to be done and not a single task more. Complete Disconnect. My monsters must have picked up on my mood because bedtime Thursday night was rough; full of questions about cancer, treatment, treatable vs. non treatable diseases...death. I went to bed knowing that I wasted the day, nearly drowning in my self pity and scaring my little ones in the process as they witnessed the shut down.
Friday morning I woke up and looked at the time on my phone. It was 7am. I cried knowing that Brenda was praying for me right that very moment. She prays for me every. single. morning at 7. Friday morning I joined her in prayer.
I didn't pray for my numbers to go up. I didn't pray for the cure to cancer. Instead, I prayed for forgiveness. Forgiveness for wasting an entire day. A day that I could have spent loving; enjoying all of my blessings.
Right then, I decided to start climbing again and thought of these lyrics by Laura Story:
"My child, I love you.
And as long as you're seeking My face,
You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace"
Last night when I went slogging, I listened to the song and decided I should probably share my blessings. I'll be singing "Grace" by Laura Story during church August 4th at 10:30am, Woodville United Methodist Church.
2 Corinthians 12:9
New International Version (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Seeking His face,
I loved the video and song--I never heard it before--Bless you Laura and I hope this is a good week for you. You are one remarkable lady!!
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