Estate Planning 101

I work for an estate planning attorney.  I fully understand the importance of estate planning documents.  I do not want burden my loved ones with difficult decisions when avoidable.  I do not want them to wonder what I would have wanted if life sustaining procedures are discussed.  We don't have a ton of money, so the documents aren't really to protect our financial investments, but investments that are so much more important: our children, our integrity, our wishes and desires.

I knew that I should have had these documents typed and signed a long time ago, but when you have to type your name on this type of document, it's a tough pill to swallow.  I actually drafted them a while ago and then put them off to the side.

We're young and healthy.  I'll do it tomorrow.  Aaron knows what I would want and what are the chances of something happening to both of us?

You know, justifying your actions/inactions.  (I'm really good at that.)

Anyways, I'm already struggling to catch my breath these days and these documents simply make everything more real and now.  More, you need to get things in order today, not tomorrow.  The cumulative effect of treatment is wearing my body out.  One of my friends texted me last week something to the tune of: You're making this look too easy.

I suppose this is a common misconception.  Very few people know when I'm truly struggling and it probably goes back to FB vs. Real Life.  FB is a highlight film, full of the really great stuff that happens each day.  Real life is completely different.  Although I am generally a very positive and upbeat person in real life, I don't usually share the really craptastic stories on facebook or my blog until time has healed whatever wounds are associated with the craptastic story.

In real life, the unedited version of being "Strong" and unfazed even during brutal treatment isn't quite as sunshine-y and a lot less rainbow-y than I am able to cover with a pretty smile.

Many times during this treatment I have thought to myself, "Good God, how do people that aren't strong before this survive?"  Or today's thought, "It's a good thing I'm a confident person, because if this were some people I know, they'd just die from embarrassment!"

This morning I woke with a nose bleed, a head ache and all over body aches.  I popped an Aleve and drove into work as if everything was NORMAL.  This afternoon I was working on a project with one of my bosses and he made me giggle and I shot blood all over the papers we were working on.  We were able to laugh about it, but I'm sure he's going to report to my other bosses regarding the incident because it's scary and not normal.  I'm expecting a card from his wife by the weekend because she'll hear the story and want to send a bottle of whiskey, but will settle for a card.

(Yes, I have called my oncologist.  She thinks it's just due to dry air and chemo drying me out, not anything serious like low platelets.  Saline nose spray before bed and check in with them tomorrow.)

So, when you add up the things that I'm struggling with each day, finalizing documents that read: "Death is as much a reality as birth, growth, maturity and old age; it is the only certainty.  I do not fear death as much as I fear the indignity of deterioration, dependence and hopeless pain." it's quite simply just another pill that I don't want to swallow, but will.

Because I'm a planner. Because I AM strong. Because I want the best for my loved ones. Because in the big picture I need to do my best to protect my monsters in life or death.

But it's not easy.  It's not facebook.  It's not the edited version.  It's real life.

Love always,