Conversations with Crackheads: Ever-growing dumper

Me: No baby yet?!? WTF!!

SDD: Dude, tell me about it...I'm willing to do damn near anything to get her out.  As long as "anything" includes eating nachos and/or sitting on my ever-growing dumper.

Me: Lol!! I love you:) Are you still working or just sitting on your ever-growing dumper as V trashes your house?

SDD: Still "working" (i.e. sitting on my dumper eating pizza while I pay other people to take care of my kid)  I was sad to hear your good news...once M's here I really want to check it out before your pj leaves.

Me:  Haha!  You're too freaking much:)  I'm paying someone to watch the monsters while I sit on my dumper too;)  Yeah, you should come before she's done, she's really amazing.

SDD: You've got until summer, right?

Me:  Yes, she's staying until the beer tent;)  (Where we'll be sloshed)

SDD:  I can't wait for beer and sushi to begin!  And I'll for sure make it before summertime.

Me: Sushi and beer...come on M!!!

SDD:  Mmmmmm.  We need a date once this kid evacuates.

Me:  Sounds lovely!  Evict her!!

Can't wait to meet M...and drink beer and eat sushi;)

Ever-growing dumper(bolded like it's a vocabulary word;))-newest favorite way to describe my ass:)  Send me a picture of yours SDD and I'll add it to the post.  Come on, please!?!

Although she refuses to send me a picture of her dumper, she compromised with a picture of her bumper. 

SDD: I am going to great lengths to hide my dumper these days. I have the worst mom-dumper ever. I could take any pair of jeans and make them look like mom jeans with my pancake-white-girl-flying-saucer-dumper-booty.

She's too much!! :)

THE good NEWS

"The good News"

We all know "the news".   We have all lived through it.  We have all survived it.  We have all thrived despite and during it. We are all stronger because of it.

A new diagnosis.  An affair.  The death of a loved one.  Divorce. The C Word.  Job loss.  The death of a beloved pet.

Generally I can handle "the news". USUALLY I can handle "the news" with grace. All in all, I feel like I can handle "the news" with poise and composure; a level head if all else fails.

I'm acutely aware of the stages of grief and understand that death is not the only thing that causes grief; deep sorrow.  I anticipate the stages as they come and go: denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and, acceptance.  On many occasions I've described how I feel like the stages often come in waves.  Some waves are small; some feel like they are the size of a tsunami!  I must admit, I'm actually becoming a great surfer! Aaron can attest to my ability to keep the surf board straight and on course even when I could easily get caught in a rip current...even during that time of the month;)

This week I heard "the news".   This is the first time since my dad died that I've had to deal with "the news" when it's so very personal.  So real to me.  On Sunday, Pastor Jen announced that she will no longer be our spiritual leader as of July 1st....THIS YEAR! 

This news is tangible to me.  I can feel it. The "can't breathe" feeling is so very real to me and once again I feel like I can't catch my breath. 

I can see the wave as I look up.  It's so big and it's going to come crashing down on me. I don't have time to prepare.  I won't be able to get out of the way!!  Six months isn't enough time.  I need more time!  She has taught me so much, but I'm not ready!

"All real healing is painful, full of relinquishment and loss. Only death can give life; only darkness light." Thomas R. Steagald
 

Thoughts were swimming around in my head.  I was sorting them as fast as I could, but new thoughts of loss were filling the space in my head faster than I could clear them.   Where do you turn when the wave is bigger than you can handle by yourself?  What do you do next?  Pray.  Ask for help.  Work your way through the stages.  BREATHE.


She'll change her mind as soon as Oscar starts sleeping through the night.  She can't leave all of this!!  Her numbers are increasing.  There is proof, statistical data of her good works! DENIAL. 

I'm happy for her and completely jealous of her opportunity to stay home, but selfishly, I'm pissed!  How can God take my leader away from me?  I need her insight!  I need her calm.  It balances my crazy! ANGER. 

Maybe they will let her come to Bible study every once in a while if we can get the new pastor to agree?  I wonder if they will let her work part time if they found another pastor that wanted to work part time? BARGAINING. 

This sucks!  I look forward to her message each Sunday. What about Bible study?  I love her questions!  I love her point of view. Every time I get a text or an email about her leaving I can't stop the tears. Change.  I hate change!  (Yesterday, after the shock wore off a little, I looked and acted JUST like Eeyore!! My eyes were swollen and red. I couldn't concentrate. I felt loss and lost.) DEPRESSION

Then, I did some yoga.  I read the Bible.  I thought to myself: "I can do this".  We can rally.  My friends aren't going to give up that easy.  They want our kids to have a church home.  They want our kids to grow up knowing Christ.  We can do this together.  Pastor Jen has been struggling since she had that cute little baby boy, trying to balance the weight of the world on her annoyingly skinny little frame.  I need to be happy for her.  She deserves my blessing.  She has been such a blessing to me and I am forever grateful for all that she has taught me.  That's the least I can give to her: my blessing and love and prayer.  ACCEPTANCE

I think yesterday was almost unbearable for me because I knew that I needed to get to acceptance quickly.  Because I want to cherish the time that she is with us, not be bitter or sad or angry or wasting my time bargaining.  Because I owe her so much in my spiritual growth.  Because I owe her that as my friend.  Because I love her.

I have been wondering how I would deal with "the news" for a while.  (Not this news particularly, but whatever "the news" happened to be.)  I wondered how long I would be in each stage?  I wondered if I received news that meant change, if I would be bitter for a longer period of time or if I'd be angry again?  I have often wondered if new sorrow would bring back old sorrow?  I've been conditioning for it: attending church, studying the Bible, asking questions, praying, inviting others to join me.

"Epiphany is the moment when we say “put on your glasses” and we see the world in a whole new way. Where there was darkness, now there is light." Jennifer Smith Williamson

Pastor Jen was there the first time that I "put on my glasses" and she will always be there, in that same spot, in my heart.  I'm a little less frightened for the next time I receive "the news" because of my faith.   I'm more able to search for hope in despair and find the light in the darkness because of the many things she has taught me.  Even when I lashed out at her, admitted to my beautiful friend that I was pissed, she didn't waiver. (Not mad at her, but selfishly, I want her, not a new pastor that will have different gifts.) Instead of explaining her situation or trying to make herself feel better about her decision, she comforted me. She told me that she understands my mixed feelings: GRACE!

I hope to one day have the grace that she preaches about, that is so very much a part of her, but in the meantime I will work with the seed she has watered and brought into the light.  Pastor Jen has had a HUGE influence on my spiritual journey.  She's taught me enough that I know I want more. I want to learn more, I want to be more, I want to encourage others to join me...for me, for her, for our children, for Him.

Have faith...even when it only seems as big as a mustard seed.  The GOOD news:  My friend is truly blessed and Oscar is a lucky boy to have her around more:)

Eternally grateful for all of the things she has done for me and with all of my love,

Finding the balance

I've decided this week that I am either fat and merry or I'm starving and cranky.

I either make time to work out and clear my body of toxins through sweat or I make time to write and clear my head of polluting thoughts by banging on the keyboard (sometimes I really do bang on the keyboard and it looks like this: q3;l5rj xfd fdxzxjzc vl,k3vw;4o6iuklj sfljksfjkrsd 08[YW T4).

I write everything down or I write nothing down.

I complete boot camp/insanity workouts or I sit on the couch and do nothing...(WELL, nothing DOES include eating Wavy Lays, right???)

I read 3-10 bedtime stories to the monsters or I read 0.  Never ever just, "Ok, just one quick book!"

I sit in the mirror and pull out every single hair that is out of place on my face or I don't get the tweezers at all.

I either let all of Aaron's idiosyncrasies drive me to the point of sarcastically (ok, honestly, think wicked, evil stepmother here) calling him out on each...and every.last.thing that he does/doesn't do to my standards or I ignore them completely and we all live in perfect harmony (Que rainbows, sunshine, singing and spinning around the house dusting and playing with a smile on my face;))
 
I'm positive there is a happy medium, but I have yet to find it!

Mostly because all of my friends are on a mission to get skinny again...and yes, if they jumped off a bridge, I'd follow. Ok, well, probably not off of a bridge, but if they're all running around in their stupid little bikinis this summer, I at least need to fit into a flattering mommytankini without needing a mu mu to hide the problem areas (FROM MY NECK TO MY CALVES)!

SO!  Until I find the balance, less writing.  More starving and cranky!!

With Love,

Cranky, Salad-eating, WHY Aren't there any chips in this cupboard? YES, I KNOW I TOLD YOU NOT TO BUY THEM!!  WHERE ARE THEY!!!?? I WANT CHIPS!!! NOW!!!!!,

LL

I Wanted All Four Ninja Turtles

Christmas trees with presents cascading out of them; an avalanche of consumerism. Facebook displayed picture after picture of the avalanches! Christmas isn't even over and we're online looking for something new and shiny to spend our Christmas money on.  Our house wasn't any different.  Present after present opened, but Keegan wanted all FOUR ninja turtles, not ONLY two.

I'm not going to pretend that we didn't have a lovely Christmas, we did.  Piles of presents, books and books and more books, coloring on the floor, drooling monsters sneaking quick naps on Mommy's lap, family and games and more presents and food, my goodness more food. But what we enjoyed the most, the thing that we unwrapped over and over again was each other.

In the constant rush of life, I very rarely slow down.  You won't catch me without makeup very often.  The only time I enjoy the comfort of sweats or yoga pants is when I'm burning calories. I work hard, I play hard, but rarely rest hard. But I did this week!

This week we slept in late.  We cuddled for hours and hours.  I was able to answer "No, you don't have to go to Christina's or school" day after day.  We didn't rush from one place to another.  Instead, I catered to the kids.  For the most part I did whatever they wanted to do.  By the end of the week, the two missing ninja turtles weren't mentioned at all.  All of the new toys found a new home and I bet if I took a few of them and hid them for a few months, I could re-use them and the kids wouldn't even remember they had previously received them!  Christmas morning Keegan decided to play with beads...that we've had for 3 years!  So, once again I was reminded: it's NOT the things that matter in life!

What they will most likely remember are the memories that we made together.  The traditions, the indescribable feeling of love that was shared, the time that we carved out to be present over perfect.

Happy Birthday balloons to heaven:

Visiting Grandma Gunner in the nursing home:

The shrimp fest at Papa and Nana's, reading and lighting the candles at church, finding the pickle at Grandma and Grandpa's house, $2 slime all over Mimi's walls, Treasure hunts, HAVING DADDY HOME ON CHRISTMAS:

Sleepovers with Stella, movies in 3D with cousins and Grandma, friends to fill the house, hours of fun in the snow:

 

Crafts with Aunt Laine and Mommy:

 

 



I really doubt that Keegan will remember that he ONLY received TWO ninja turtles, but I hope he remembers all the fun.

 

 

Last night I meant to finish this post.  Instead during our tickle torture, Camille took an elbow to the nose and the nose bleed required more cuddles so the rest of the post might be kind of choppy. (I wasn't complaining, it was a great excuse to turn in early;))  But my week off of work leads me to my New Year's Resolution.  (Yes, I believe in new years resolutions and have been really good at keeping mine the last few years and have turned them into habit, not resolutions)

 

This year, I'm going to SCHEDULE (we all know how I love to schedule) one weekend a month to cuddle, watch movies, make crafts, tickle torture, NOT RUSH.  No orders to "GET MOVING!" or "No, we don't have time to get out the craft tub" or "Maybe next weekend".   Nope, we're going to plan one weekend a month to stay home and open the gifts that keep giving: each other!

 

Because even if Keegan would have received all four ninja turtles, I'm pretty confident he'd pick to spend time with us over the turtles.

 

PS: Completely jealous of my SAHM friends this week.  I had so much fun relaxing with my monsters.   I know you all know how lucky you are, but know that I'm severely jealous of you all right now:P

What resolution(s) are YOU committing to?





 

 

2012 YIR

Year in Review- 12

Craziest thing I did: Finally got a tattoo! http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/03/my-reminder-always-always-always.html

Favorite Concert:  Sarah McLachlan Duh. Best friends and live music performed by Sarah.  No brainer.

 



Most cherished gift: Bracelet from Jess Fork It was an honor to be asked to stand up for her and Bryan when as they were announced members of our church!

Favorite Family Vacation: Tennessee The wedding was PERFECT.  The adventures were fun.  Hiking was indescribable.

Most Welcomed Addition to the Community: Hillkirks with Klaussins a very close second;) Love having Laura back in town to be bratty to.

Biggest don't get fat accomplishment:  Finished both Warrior Dashes...ALIVE.  In a freaking tutu!

 

 

Proudest Mommy Moment: Performing with the girls. So proud of them for singing in front of so many people at their young age:)  (DID ANYONE GET A PHOTO?  OR WAS EVERYONE TOO BUSY FILMING WHEN I SAID NOT TO!?!?)

 

Favorite Get Away:  Bronners

 

 

If I were a crier, the most sentimental day: http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/08/obligatory-first-day-photos.html All of the monsters in school!

 

 

Newest Addition to the Strong Family (Well, other than Rosie Mittens Star, the Elfing Strong Elf;)): BABY ADRIE!

 

 

Favorite Project: Road to Recovery-it always feels great to help, but this project was more than just helping. An excuse to get together with some of my besties, to use my creative energy for something other than writing, AND to help the DeVito's feel less alone. Hands down favorite project!

Favorite Family Photo: Is it bad that it's probably my favorite because Aaron HATES it? Oh well, it's still my favorite:)



 

 

 

We had a wonderful year!  Cheers to 2012 and bring on the New Year:)

 

Today

My cousin, my more talented, much skinnier, much trendier without even trying, OLDER cousin, authored this blog post "What Today Means".  Check it out, she's amazing: http://lifeinagaggle.com/2012/12/18/what-today-means/

I probably would have written about "today" regardless, but instead of packing it away on my list of topics for "someday" that I may never return to, I'm going to write today. 




Today  I'm

A young girl mad at Mommy for ONLY putting pig tails in my hair.  Why can't she just braid it?  That's what I want.  She braided my sisters, but not mine.  She must love her more.

A mother rushing to get the monsters out the door so that I can get to work in time to sneak out early.   Dear curly girl, your hair is beautiful and doesn't need to be braided.  Your sister has flat straight hair with pieces flying every direction; she needs the braid to control the disaster known as her hair.  Please put on your shoes and stop whining.

A grandmother working more than normal.  I better call my daughter to check in on her precious babies.  How did they sleep?  Are they missing me?  I'll try to meet you later tonight, but I'm going to stay and work if they need me.  I love you.

A great grandmother waking to a new day.  What is for breakfast?  Did I eat yet? Who are these people and where are my sisters?  Why do they continue to walk into my room as if they own it?  Frances, yes, that's my name! How do you know my name?  Sure, I'd love to have my hair done.

A young girl who excitedly greets her Mommy.  (I have completely forgotten about being mad over  my hair and have turned to more important things like practicing songs for tonight).  Mommy, I can't wait to go caroling.  Who is going?  Jumping up and down: Addie?  Paige!!  Azure!  I can't wait!

A mother, exhausted from a trying day at work. I drop my purse to receive the hugs from the monsters.  They feel so nice pressed against me, but we must rush, as always.  Get your coats on.    How was school?  Hey, man I live with, how did they eat?  See you later.  Don't forget to change the laundry.

A grandmother who calls once again to check in.  I'm not going to be able to make it.  Sing loud for me.  Tell the kids to smile pretty and give Grandma Gunner a hug from me.

A great grandmother who is frustrated and trapped in my own head.  Why do I have to go play bingo?  Who are these old people sitting by me?  Where are my sisters?

A young girl skipping through the halls of the nursing home. Smiling and singing and twirling and laughing and holding hands with friends. Isn't this fun to get together and sing our favorite songs!?


A mother to three beautiful children, but a granddaughter, too.  I check with the aide and she says she seems to be in a better mood than she was earlier in the day. She's playing bingo, go on in.  I hug my grandma like I have my entire life, but she quickly asks who I am.  The aide smiles gently at me and I run through who I am as she stares blankly back at me.  I tell her that some of my friends have joined me and that I've asked them to sing a few special songs for her because I know how she loves to sing.

A grandmother at work, wondering how my mother is doing.  Will she remember my baby girl?  Will she be weepy when she sees her?  I wonder how my daughter will handle the kids and her friends and my mother.  I hope all of the residents like it.

A great grandmother.  Who is this young lady that's hugging me?  She looks kind of familiar.  Who are you?  She's claiming to be my granddaughter.  I don't have a granddaughter.  She does know that I like to sing.  I'll play along.  Well, I'm going to out sing you all!

A young girl that takes a minute to go give my great grandmother a hug. I know that she doesn't always remember me. She doesn't know how I know where her candy drawer is when she doesn't even know where her candy drawer is, but my mom and my Mimi tell me to always give her a hug.  I know she enjoys it when I give her a hug though because she smiles and sometimes she cries and my mom told me that it's because I make her so happy.

A mother who stands proudly as her monsters hug her grandmother.  I hope she at least enjoys the music.  Oh no, now she's crying.  I have to tell her goodbye.  I have to hug her and not cry.  All of the kids are watching.  All of my friends are watching.  Goodbye Grandma.  We'll see you soon.  We're going to come for a Christmas party on Christmas Eve.  We love you.  Yes, I'm Laura, your granddaughter.  When you go back to your room have them show you the pictures.  I'm there and my mom's there.   She's your daughter, you remember.  We'll help you remember.

A grandmother.  Did she know who you were?  How did it go?  She cried?  Oh, honey, thanks for going.  It means a lot to me.  Yes, I'll try to make it to the basketball game.  I love you.

A great grandmother.  He looks familiar to me.  I know that I should know him.  He's so cute and he's only hugging me!  Oh and this little girl, she's so precious.  I am so thankful for these sweet hugs.  Even if I don't know who they are.  I hope they come back soon.  Even though I cried, I love to sing "Joy to the World" and "Jingle Bells".  I remember singing these songs.

 

 

Today, I'm the mother.  Tomorrow I'll be the grandmother.  In the blink of an eye, I'll be the great grandmother.

 

Today I took the time to look at today from four generations.  I should probably do it more often. 

 

Today is priceless.


** Thank you so very much to my friends that joined us for caroling.  Much love to you all for spreading your light:)





 

Keep the candle burning

I post to facebook A LOT.  This year I have been pretty good at posting to my blog regularly; sometimes even more than once a week.  Around angelversaries, birthdays, and holidays I receive higher traffic to my blog.  People anticipate that I will write words from the heart; remove the layers of Laura and lay it out in words to be read and processed.

This weekend I had a high volume of hits searching for my blog by the blog name or by my name.  I'm assuming it's because some of the people that follow are waiting for my reaction to the shooting.  Waiting to see if I'll steer toward gun control laws or pump mental health awareness.  Whether I will say to trust in God, that He has a plan, or talk about free will.  Blame everything on the legislation that took God out of schools.  Maybe share the conversation that I had with my kids. And most certainly ask another WHY!

Unfortunately, I do not think that solves anything.  Even though MANY of my facebook friends are quick to state the answer to all of the worlds problems, I simply can not.

I am not able to answer how to prevent another tragedy.  I don't have answers on how to proceed.  I don't have answers on how to talk to your children because I stumbled on my words and choked back tears during the quick conversation that we had about the shootings.  I can't tell you how to make this NEVER.HAPPEN.AGAIN. I can't answer why.

I can only pray. 

Pray silently, alone with my thoughts after I have tucked and re-tucked.  I pray for the families. I pray for the children and teachers that witnessed. I pray for the helpers. I pray for the community.  I pray for my children to be safe.  Then I pray for me.

Why?  Why do I pray for me next?

Because I could easily let my candle go out when I think about their small hands turning cold.  It starts to flicker at the thought of picking a Bible verse to be read when they say goodbye to their babies.  I could let the darkness swallow me whole when I let my mind wander to the unopened presents and the indescribable pain that those mommies and daddies and brothers and sisters are feeling.  It.could.swallow.me.

So I watch the flame of the candle that flickers, but then relights. I pray that I don't let my light burn out because we need to carry the light for an entire community now; for a country that is grieving the beautiful faces of the little girl with cute blond hair like our own little angel or the handsome little boy with a dimple in the same spot as our ornery little monster.

I need to fuel my candle, keep it shining bright, so that I can raise my monsters to have the qualities that the preschoolers held up at church on Sunday: Helpfulness, Grace, Humility, Love, Understanding, Patience, Hope, Peace, Kindness, Mercy, Caring.  I have to shelter my candle when it flickers so that I can raise them to make the right choices and turn to God when it is dark.

They, the victims and their families, their community, our community, our country, needs us to keep our flame burning for them and for all of us. 

So, I pray for me.  Prayers that I can keep the flame burning for them.  I pray for you; prayers that you can keep the flame burning, too.

And

I hope for them to survive the darkness. 

And

I beg of Him, down on my knees, that somehow, someway, someday

That they can find peace. 

And

That they can feel the love and comfort when our candles shine bright in their honor.

Keep the candle burning for them.

John 3:16-21

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷ For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. ¹⁸ Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. ¹⁹ This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. ²⁰ Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. ²¹ But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.