"The good News"
We all know "the news". We have all lived through it. We have all survived it. We have all thrived despite and during it. We are all stronger because of it.
A new diagnosis. An affair. The death of a loved one. Divorce. The C Word. Job loss. The death of a beloved pet.
Generally I can handle "the news". USUALLY I can handle "the news" with grace. All in all, I feel like I can handle "the news" with poise and composure; a level head if all else fails.
I'm acutely aware of the stages of grief and understand that death is not the only thing that causes grief; deep sorrow. I anticipate the stages as they come and go: denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and, acceptance. On many occasions I've described how I feel like the stages often come in waves. Some waves are small; some feel like they are the size of a tsunami! I must admit, I'm actually becoming a great surfer! Aaron can attest to my ability to keep the surf board straight and on course even when I could easily get caught in a rip current...even during that time of the month;)
This week I heard "the news". This is the first time since my dad died that I've had to deal with "the news" when it's so very personal. So real to me. On Sunday, Pastor Jen announced that she will no longer be our spiritual leader as of July 1st....THIS YEAR!
This news is tangible to me. I can feel it. The "can't breathe" feeling is so very real to me and once again I feel like I can't catch my breath.
I can see the wave as I look up. It's so big and it's going to come crashing down on me. I don't have time to prepare. I won't be able to get out of the way!! Six months isn't enough time. I need more time! She has taught me so much, but I'm not ready!
She'll change her mind as soon as Oscar starts sleeping through the night. She can't leave all of this!! Her numbers are increasing. There is proof, statistical data of her good works! DENIAL.
I'm happy for her and completely jealous of her opportunity to stay home, but selfishly, I'm pissed! How can God take my leader away from me? I need her insight! I need her calm. It balances my crazy! ANGER.
Maybe they will let her come to Bible study every once in a while if we can get the new pastor to agree? I wonder if they will let her work part time if they found another pastor that wanted to work part time? BARGAINING.
This sucks! I look forward to her message each Sunday. What about Bible study? I love her questions! I love her point of view. Every time I get a text or an email about her leaving I can't stop the tears. Change. I hate change! (Yesterday, after the shock wore off a little, I looked and acted JUST like Eeyore!! My eyes were swollen and red. I couldn't concentrate. I felt loss and lost.) DEPRESSION
Then, I did some yoga. I read the Bible. I thought to myself: "I can do this". We can rally. My friends aren't going to give up that easy. They want our kids to have a church home. They want our kids to grow up knowing Christ. We can do this together. Pastor Jen has been struggling since she had that cute little baby boy, trying to balance the weight of the world on her annoyingly skinny little frame. I need to be happy for her. She deserves my blessing. She has been such a blessing to me and I am forever grateful for all that she has taught me. That's the least I can give to her: my blessing and love and prayer. ACCEPTANCE
I think yesterday was almost unbearable for me because I knew that I needed to get to acceptance quickly. Because I want to cherish the time that she is with us, not be bitter or sad or angry or wasting my time bargaining. Because I owe her so much in my spiritual growth. Because I owe her that as my friend. Because I love her.
I have been wondering how I would deal with "the news" for a while. (Not this news particularly, but whatever "the news" happened to be.) I wondered how long I would be in each stage? I wondered if I received news that meant change, if I would be bitter for a longer period of time or if I'd be angry again? I have often wondered if new sorrow would bring back old sorrow? I've been conditioning for it: attending church, studying the Bible, asking questions, praying, inviting others to join me.
Pastor Jen was there the first time that I "put on my glasses" and she will always be there, in that same spot, in my heart. I'm a little less frightened for the next time I receive "the news" because of my faith. I'm more able to search for hope in despair and find the light in the darkness because of the many things she has taught me. Even when I lashed out at her, admitted to my beautiful friend that I was pissed, she didn't waiver. (Not mad at her, but selfishly, I want her, not a new pastor that will have different gifts.) Instead of explaining her situation or trying to make herself feel better about her decision, she comforted me. She told me that she understands my mixed feelings: GRACE!
I hope to one day have the grace that she preaches about, that is so very much a part of her, but in the meantime I will work with the seed she has watered and brought into the light. Pastor Jen has had a HUGE influence on my spiritual journey. She's taught me enough that I know I want more. I want to learn more, I want to be more, I want to encourage others to join me...for me, for her, for our children, for Him.
Have faith...even when it only seems as big as a mustard seed. The GOOD news: My friend is truly blessed and Oscar is a lucky boy to have her around more:)
Eternally grateful for all of the things she has done for me and with all of my love,
We all know "the news". We have all lived through it. We have all survived it. We have all thrived despite and during it. We are all stronger because of it.
A new diagnosis. An affair. The death of a loved one. Divorce. The C Word. Job loss. The death of a beloved pet.
Generally I can handle "the news". USUALLY I can handle "the news" with grace. All in all, I feel like I can handle "the news" with poise and composure; a level head if all else fails.
I'm acutely aware of the stages of grief and understand that death is not the only thing that causes grief; deep sorrow. I anticipate the stages as they come and go: denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and, acceptance. On many occasions I've described how I feel like the stages often come in waves. Some waves are small; some feel like they are the size of a tsunami! I must admit, I'm actually becoming a great surfer! Aaron can attest to my ability to keep the surf board straight and on course even when I could easily get caught in a rip current...even during that time of the month;)
This week I heard "the news". This is the first time since my dad died that I've had to deal with "the news" when it's so very personal. So real to me. On Sunday, Pastor Jen announced that she will no longer be our spiritual leader as of July 1st....THIS YEAR!
This news is tangible to me. I can feel it. The "can't breathe" feeling is so very real to me and once again I feel like I can't catch my breath.
I can see the wave as I look up. It's so big and it's going to come crashing down on me. I don't have time to prepare. I won't be able to get out of the way!! Six months isn't enough time. I need more time! She has taught me so much, but I'm not ready!
"All real healing is painful, full of relinquishment and loss. Only death can give life; only darkness light." Thomas R. SteagaldThoughts were swimming around in my head. I was sorting them as fast as I could, but new thoughts of loss were filling the space in my head faster than I could clear them. Where do you turn when the wave is bigger than you can handle by yourself? What do you do next? Pray. Ask for help. Work your way through the stages. BREATHE.
She'll change her mind as soon as Oscar starts sleeping through the night. She can't leave all of this!! Her numbers are increasing. There is proof, statistical data of her good works! DENIAL.
I'm happy for her and completely jealous of her opportunity to stay home, but selfishly, I'm pissed! How can God take my leader away from me? I need her insight! I need her calm. It balances my crazy! ANGER.
Maybe they will let her come to Bible study every once in a while if we can get the new pastor to agree? I wonder if they will let her work part time if they found another pastor that wanted to work part time? BARGAINING.
This sucks! I look forward to her message each Sunday. What about Bible study? I love her questions! I love her point of view. Every time I get a text or an email about her leaving I can't stop the tears. Change. I hate change! (Yesterday, after the shock wore off a little, I looked and acted JUST like Eeyore!! My eyes were swollen and red. I couldn't concentrate. I felt loss and lost.) DEPRESSION
Then, I did some yoga. I read the Bible. I thought to myself: "I can do this". We can rally. My friends aren't going to give up that easy. They want our kids to have a church home. They want our kids to grow up knowing Christ. We can do this together. Pastor Jen has been struggling since she had that cute little baby boy, trying to balance the weight of the world on her annoyingly skinny little frame. I need to be happy for her. She deserves my blessing. She has been such a blessing to me and I am forever grateful for all that she has taught me. That's the least I can give to her: my blessing and love and prayer. ACCEPTANCE
I think yesterday was almost unbearable for me because I knew that I needed to get to acceptance quickly. Because I want to cherish the time that she is with us, not be bitter or sad or angry or wasting my time bargaining. Because I owe her so much in my spiritual growth. Because I owe her that as my friend. Because I love her.
"Epiphany is the moment when we say “put on your glasses” and we see the world in a whole new way. Where there was darkness, now there is light." Jennifer Smith Williamson
Pastor Jen was there the first time that I "put on my glasses" and she will always be there, in that same spot, in my heart. I'm a little less frightened for the next time I receive "the news" because of my faith. I'm more able to search for hope in despair and find the light in the darkness because of the many things she has taught me. Even when I lashed out at her, admitted to my beautiful friend that I was pissed, she didn't waiver. (Not mad at her, but selfishly, I want her, not a new pastor that will have different gifts.) Instead of explaining her situation or trying to make herself feel better about her decision, she comforted me. She told me that she understands my mixed feelings: GRACE!
I hope to one day have the grace that she preaches about, that is so very much a part of her, but in the meantime I will work with the seed she has watered and brought into the light. Pastor Jen has had a HUGE influence on my spiritual journey. She's taught me enough that I know I want more. I want to learn more, I want to be more, I want to encourage others to join me...for me, for her, for our children, for Him.
Have faith...even when it only seems as big as a mustard seed. The GOOD news: My friend is truly blessed and Oscar is a lucky boy to have her around more:)
Eternally grateful for all of the things she has done for me and with all of my love,
That is such a bummer! I can see (from afar) how much you have grown in your faith in the last couple years! You will be just fine...God put her in your path and prepared you for this very moment! I only wish that we were closer so we could grow in our faith together! I wish I had felt better and could have made it to bible study with you! Love you friend!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Heather! I wish we would have been able to do a study or a service together, too. But your health is more important!! I love you, too!! Back safe and sound? Feeling better?
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