No tent, but survived with a smile

I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't disappointed to miss the beer tent.  Even if it was a flooded, rainy mess, I wanted to be there.  It's the carnival and it's my favorite time of year!  Warm beer out of a pitcher in a big tent full of people I've known my entire life.  You just can't beat that!

But, I suppose, life saving medicines are necessary.  My body tolerated this treatment a little better than the last round and I was able to get out of the house a little more. (I drank a TON of water before and after treatment like I'm supposed to, so I'm guessing that's why.)  My numbers were great and I did not need the shot of nuelasta:) We enjoyed lots of laughs with my cousins, visitors from Texas, watched the parade with my monsters...we even made it down to the carny long enough to win a fish and eat an elephant ear (Thanks to Reardon's for treating;)).

Not quite the same as riding the rocko planes and sipping warm beer, but I survived;)

Quick update this week because I have house guests:)  Syndi and Tam and LOTS of additional monsters have invaded the Strong house, so no time to write!  We have fun planned all week and I'll try to snap a few photos!

Medical update: Hematologist cleared me for surgery.  I did not have to turn him into a green alien.  He attributed the blood clot to pregnancy and postpartum and praised Dr. Afridi for remarkable results.  (I had an extensive DVT.  My leg was HUGE and when he did surgery he could not guarantee that it would ever return to normal size or that I would be able to return to normal activity without swelling.  My leg is almost normal size (I'm the only one that notices the difference), I have a strong pulse in my foot and I am very active and do not wear a stocking.)  Yippee!! Let's chop them off!

Two more treatments to go!

************************

Happy First Birthday, Adrie!! :)

6 of 8!

He really does love me despite, well, me being me:)

Cookies and milk for breakfast when Keegs has Mommy to himself:)

 

KIDDIE PARADE WITH THE MONSTERS! My bandana was first worn by Shannon Tobias.  She was loved by so many and missed dearly.  Thanks so much for the angel love, Shawnee!

CURLY COUSINS!

The monsters, well and Jason (he thinks he's still a kid), played the most intense game of downpour rain kickball ever.  Fish fry with my cousins was better than the beer tent in all honesty.  We didn't get to take a golf cart ride because I was too achy, but they had me in tears from laughter simply sitting on the porch together. Crazy, Saturday Night Live skit material, but I should probably not blog about it;)

 

We also had a few heavy conversations.  Heid tested positive for the same BRCA mutation as I did, so the Runion clan is practicing Be Ready and Cancer Aware.  My cousins and Aunt are getting tested and mentally preparing for the what-ifs that accompany the faulty gene.  I'm praying for them not to have the faulty gene, please join me. Another month/two of waiting for results is not really what our family needs at this point, but we're strong and aware.

 

And we have faith and hope and love.

 

Lots and lots of love,

 

 

 

Medical Update

It's been a while since I've updated on the medical stuff.  I'm going to try to make this one all medical, so if you're not interested in the medical update, no need to read on.

I have completed four treatments of the chemo concoction  (A-Adriamycin and C-Cytoxan) and I have three more treatments of T-Taxol for a total of 4.  My last chemo treatment is scheduled for July 31, 2013.

The side effects are manageable, but some of them are a pain in the ass.

A more complete list of side effects: http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/side_effects

But, my least favorites are:

Hot flashes!  Women talk about hot flashes, but this is serious business.  Waking up drenched in sweat and stripping your clothes as fast as possible is not fun...it may be entertaining to the male sharing your bed, but it's not fun!

Hemorrhoids: http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2013/06/shit-happens-but-what-happens-when-it.html

Buzzing in my ear.  I think it's called tinnitus.  It's annoying and when it happens it makes me think I'm losing my mind-or what's left of it at least!

The aches, but I think these are the easiest for me to deal with because I fully anticipated them.  NOT looking forward to having them during the carni time!! The carni will miss me if I can't make it down there.  I've been there every year since I can remember!  SIDE NOTE: GENTLE HUGS if you see me this week!

 

------------------------------------------

In one of my first posts about my diagnosis, I talked about the type of cancer and plan of action. (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma: Estrogen-receptor positive (ER+), Progestrone-receptor positive (PR+), AND HER2-NEGATIVE!)  I didn't really touch on the staging or the extremely frightening things that connect to a stage-like statistics.  I don't like to think about it.  I don't want to know. I want to believe that it doesn't matter.  The next medical treatment will be surgery. I do not have a date yet, but it will either be the last week of August or the first week of September.  They will stage me during surgery.

So, the anxiety is back.  Anxiety is cruel, but I'm trying to stick with just a medical update so I'll steer clear of this subject or it would take over the post.

During surgery they will HOPEFULLY be chopping off both second bases.  I have a history of blood clots, so we are meeting with a hematologist (blood doc) this week.  If he gives the green light, they will take them both at the same time. (If he says no, I will shoot laser beams out of my eyes, turn him into a green alien, and get a second opinion.)

Either way, one boob at a time or two, during surgery they will shoot dye under my left arm and see how many lymph nodes light up.  The fewer the number, the better.  They will take any and all that are suspicious.  The more they have to take, the higher the risk of lymphodema (Andre the Giant arm) and a high number is also an indication of the stupid ass cancer cells floating around other places in my body (MEDICAL LANGUAGE THERE;)).

Once they take all of the tissue and skin, a plastic surgeon will take over for the general surgeon and he will put in tissue expanders and sew me up.  I will only stay in the hospital a day or two and they'll send me on my merry way, very heavily medicated.  Along with the tissue expanders, I'll have drain tubes.  I've heard they are *Super awesome and I can't wait!

They will let me heal for a while and then they will start adding fluid to make my new rack. Once every week/two depending how quickly my skin stretches they will add more fluid.  *You know, since that's the reason I'm going through hell, just to get a new rack.

After they inflate my new rack to my liking, I will have 35 radiation treatments.  Once a day for 7 weeks, they will zap the spots that are known to have cancer cells ONCE living (they will all be dead when they're done is the hope).

More healing time will be granted following radiation and once the plastic surgeon feels comfortable, he will take out the tissue expanders and put in my nice, new implants.

So, that's the plan.  Pray that I don't have to turn the blood doctor into an alien because I'm fully prepared to do so if necessary.


*HEAVY, VERY HEAVY, SARCASM


Everyone have a blessed Independence Day!!  I think I'll work on teaching Cami and Keegs the 50 Nifty United States song and send Lilly and Aaron to fetch elephant ears and fries and cotton candy!

Lots of love,

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SURPRISE!

 PLANNER.  I'm a planner.  I plan days, weeks, months in advance.  I even plan "nothing days" where I plan to do nothing but play with the monsters.  Either way, they're scheduled days, written in the planner.

I've written about and told many people how I feel about surprises, but I don't think people understand.  I do not like surprises. 

When I was 10 my mom had a surprise party at a skating rink.  I cried and whined the entire way to the rink because I didn't want to go roller skating. Then, when we arrived, 10 of my friends were there with presents and cake and I looked like an ass for being such a brat.

When I was 16, she did it again!  She had Laurie and Laura drag me out of the house kicking and screaming because I didn't feel well.  They attempted to entertain me by line dancing on a country road and I was a major witch to them and demanded that they take me home.  I walked into a house full of friends, my first boy/girl party.  I took off my shoe and threw it at my mom.

I do not like surprises.

I'm not a huge fan of accepting gifts either.  I am a giver; the one that coordinates the cool fundraising ideas.  I have only been on the giving end until recently and it's very difficult for me to graciously accept all of the things people have given to our family.

Well, tonight Erin and Travis Nicolaysen joined our family for dinner.  This is not uncommon for us.  They met us for family vacation a couple years ago.  They make time to see us whenever they come back this way.  They are part of our family.  When Laine asked Aaron if we were busy and she said they have a surprise for us and to get a sub for volleyball, I was a brat.  I love to play ball.  It's one of the few things that I can still do (don't tell my oncologist, I'm sure I shouldn't be playing) and most likely I will not be able to play after surgery for a long time, if ever.  So, of course I was a brat and asked Aaron: Can't we have a picnic at the volleyball court?  My (annoyingly polite) husband told me no and that he had already invited them over for my mom's birthday dinner.  I pouted all week.

I worked 8-530 today. (I've been working shorter hours since treatment started. Don't get all excited.  I have been putting off this client meeting for a while as I knew it would be a long day.)  I was exhausted, but I was excited to see my wild and crazy brothers, Jake and Treydog and the rest of my family. We hugged and visited and then it was time to eat.  We sat down and everyone got weird.  Here we go, a surprise.

Travis and Erin set up a fundraiser without us knowing and raised a shit-ton of money.  Travis presented the donations in the most loving and Godly way possible.  It was overwhelming and beautiful.

And everyone in the room was crying except me.

Everyone left and Aaron said, is it bad that we didn't cry?  Everyone else was crying.  Does that make us seem ungrateful?

Laine called my mom and said they didn't know how to gauge my reaction for the same reason.

I'm simply not a person that cries easily.  I cried a couple weeks ago when I talked to my friends that paid my utility bill. I cried on Sunday because I've been sad about Pastor Jen leaving for quite some time.  That should do me for public crying for a good month/two/year/five years.  Even with everything going on, I'm simply not one to cry in front of people...especially when I'm surprised.

I do want everyone to know that even though I didn't cry, we are beyond thankful and feel so very blessed to be loved by SO.MANY.PEOPLE. All over the world, people are praying.  Fierce, bold, prayers of healing for me and that is the single most humbling thing I have ever been a part of.  People that I have never met, have once again come together to show support for this ugly disease and it's unbelievable and overwhelming. 

It's crazy and we are beyond thankful, but it is also VERY difficult for me. 

They say, it's better to give than to receive.  In my case this is so very true.  I was taught to work hard for what you want, be nice to others, and help whenever you can.  I know that is what people are doing for me now, it's just hard to graciously accept all of the wonderful, overwhelming support.

After the shock wore off and it was just Travis and I talking, my pseudo-family, I was able to speak to him candidly and actually thank him for all that he did.  Still, during that moment when he was presenting the donation, the surprise and disbelief won.  I just shook my head and made sarcastic remarks and self depreciating jokes. I suppose he's lucky I didn't throw a shoe at him! ;)

Thank you again, from the very bottom of our hearts for all of the support. 

We love you!

Blessed beyond words,


PS:  Aaron is planning a surprise for our anniversary.  He must want a shoe to the face! ;)

PPS: So very annoyed with the POPO.  Travis fell victim to the Woodville speedtrap and was issued a ticket for speeding in front of His and Hers Hair Salon...where tons of people speed.  He came to town just to give me a very special surprise and his reward is a speeding ticket.  #$)(#*%)(#@$&*%#)

Enough? Never Sleeps? Fun? Tired? Pain? Goodbyes? Silent?

Maybe it's because I haven't taken the time to write with regularity?  Maybe it's because I'm tired?  Or because Aaron's on midnights and Keegs has a cough so he's keeping me up at night?  Or because I have to go back to work tomorrow after being off nearly a full week?  Or because Shari mentioned a lack of nose hair and ever since I feel like I can't wipe my nose enough?  Maybe it's because I'm trying to maintain a normal schedule, but I need to say no more often? Or because I can't express the gratitude I feel in my heart?   *Or because it makes me angry when I see an old man smoking a cigarette? **Or that it pisses me off when my friends workout together? Maybe it's because life doesn't stop or slow down just because I'm fighting?

Probably it's a combination of all of them, but either way my mind is racing and there is not a possibility of a post that actually flows this week.  There are simply too many things going on in my head to focus on one, so I'll update on how I'm feeling and share whatever spills out.

Enough

A girlfriend shared this post with me and it's worth the read: http://lusaorganics.typepad.com/clean/2013/06/are-you-enough.html

Lilly's teacher stopped me at a wedding to tell me what a great job we are doing with our oldest monster.  How she is compassionate and caring to all of her classmates and it was a honor to have her in class...sometimes it's nice to hear that type of thing because our minds can be cruel and often make us wonder if we are enough! Lately it feels like my mind...

Never Sleeps.

 

The relay went better than anticipated. Surrounded by both my best of friends and complete strangers, I walked the survivor lap. I watched my friends pictures flash on the slide show. I watched my cousins picture flash on the slide show. I watched my dads picture flash on the slide show. I watched my picture flash on the slide show. I walked by luminary after luminary with names of people that I love and care for. And I prayed for cures and miracles.

 

 

Do not have a picture of Debbie Dell's "In Memory of" luminary:/

 

 

I woke up to a text that I'll have to change a bag next year from "in honor of" to "in memory of" and it was an in-the-face reminder that cancer never sleeps.

 

Always in our hearts:

 

And a reminder to live each day and fill it with...

Fun.

We managed to squeeze in lots of fun during treatment week this time!  We stayed at my uncles trailer and the monsters had a blast exploring and swimming with some of their bestest friends.  I'm so fortunate to have friends that are willing to drop everything to make my life a little easier.  We had a lovely visit at Lakeside.  We played volleyball, attended weddings and pool parties, but I'm...

Tired.

I'm not sure if it's the cumulative effect of the treatments or because I'm trying to maintain our normal schedule, but I'm tired.  Tired of looking at the laundry and housework, but not wanting to do it.  Tired of wanting to feel normal.  Tired of being tired. Tired of being in...

Pain.

Round 5 of 8 complete.  More than half way there. Alleluia! When I started treatment Heid asked quite a few times questions like: "Are you sure you feel ok?"  Each time I would tell her that I felt ok, just tired and a little achy.   This round I felt what she was talking about.  I stood at the bottom of the stairs and in my mind it felt like the stairs were so high and nearly insurmountable.  I chased after the monsters and I survived, but the pain is real now.  My legs feel like they are 1,000 pounds each and some steps it feels like they might simply buckle under me.  And then there is a different kind of pain, the pain of..

Goodbyes.

 "Until we meet again" is equally taxing on my spirit that I'm trying so desperately to feed with nourishment right now.  Pastor Jen has taught me how to feed my spirit when I feel like it's running on empty and I'm forever grateful.  I knew that her last Sunday was going to be difficult.  When she told me that the choir was singing "I Believe" I knew in my heart that I wouldn't be able to make it through the service without tears.

 Thanks for the video, Grant!

Because I believe in God even when God is Silent.

 

*I have smoked socially since college. I even smoked after I was diagnosed. I still want to smoke, but understand that I can't if I want to live. And it pisses me off that some people "get" to smoke their whole lives and never have any health problems...

**I want my friends to lead healthy, active lives. I want them to workout and be healthy and happy. But it sucks when it is hard for me to walk up the stairs to go to bed when I really just want to go running with them and bitch about things that don't matter in the big scheme of things. Jealousy.

 

EFF YOU CANCER!

Thank you is not enough...unbelievable, selfless, not for recognition.

 

 

Half full/Half empty: SCH #2

When I found out that I would be treated with chemotherapy, there were about 3 positives to the treatment process:

1. No shaving
2. No Aunt Flo (female time of the month)
3. I could stand to lose a few lbs

Well, my body officially hates me.  My leg hair continues to grow.  Aunt Flo has visited on time, both months.  I continue to gain AT LEAST a pound every two weeks, usually two.

How then am I supposed to find half full?  I'm pretty sure the glass is half empty at this point.

BUT...I found a positive.  My chin hair isn't growing anymore!!

Maybe these ladies need some chemo:

https://www.google.com/search?q=bearded+lady&rlz=1T4ADRA_enUS444US444&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=eB2_UffUOeW5ywGSq4FY&ved=0CEcQsAQ&biw=1125&bih=325


 

Relay Day 2013

Friday night is the Relay for Life.  Most of this post is a re-post from last year. Bold print is used for the 2013 additions.

Nothing has changed, but so much has changed at the same time.  More people have been added to the list of survivors, fighters and loved ones remembered.  I have been added to the list of fighters.  Yet, it brings all of the same emotions back.

My biggest fear is now reality.   http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/06/biggest-fear.html

So, I'm not really feeling up to writing a new serious post this week. This week has been one of my tough weeks.  Not because I'm not feeling well, I feel great. But because of hard appointments and decisions for care and tough conversations and this feeling of empathy that burns a line directly to my soul and because this week was already going to be hard enough. One of the weeks where I could get stuck at the bottom of the hill of this roller coaster, but I'm choosing to climb back up.  Slow and steady, but I'm getting there.

Friday will make me a stronger person.  Friday is Relay Day:

It is both a day that I anticipate and dread.

It is a reminder that people win the fight! The survivor lap is proof. All cancer survivors take a lap together and wear a different colored shirt in honor of their fight. When they take their lap so many thoughts flood my mind. I think about walking over to my friends workplace to give her a prayer shawl and how beautiful she looked that day despite her fears. Tears start to form as I think about the time that I stopped by Heidi's house and she opened the door without her wig on. It makes me smile to think of when Cheryl and Jess realized at bunco that they endured treatment together so many years ago and joked about how they look much different with hair and color in their skin! How difficult it must have been for Jess to move away when her Dad was still completing his treatment regimen. I vividly remember when Amy called to tell me that Danny had lung cancer. I wish Amanda didn't have the scars to prove she's a survivor. I wish Matt didn't have to have a Happy Cancer Day! I think about how they fought so hard and won! Through the treatments, the hair loss, the damaged vocal chords, the tattooed eyebrows, the new boobies, the doctors appointments and so much more. I can't even fathom what it is going through their minds!

It is a reminder of sweet, handsome Connor who is currently fighting the dreaded C word. He is already a warrior and he's only 9 (He's 10 now;))! How his loving parents have to explain why and what is going on with his body. "He's had good days and bad days. Mouth sores, nerve pain and nausea. There was about ten days straight that I think he threw up at least once a day." -Sarah, Connor's Mom You can follow the rest of his treatment here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/connorrequena And CONTINUE TO pray for him daily.

It is a reminder of the very powerful bond that was created when I went over to drop off a little love to Rhiannon when she was having her hair shortened.   A reminder of her strength as she continues to fight. 

It is a reminder of a friends dad who lived so much longer than his stated odds. That lived his life to treasure each moment.  That smiled every chance he got, rode his motorcycle when he was able and cherished his time with his family.  Always kept his faith in our Lord above.  Who we laid to rest this year and celebrated his life.

It is a reminder that it doesn't get any easier when I hear about a friend that has to watch their parent grow weak and pray for miracles because I know the pain that they are experiencing too well.

It is a reminder of medical terms and brain mets. Out of town visitors and meaningful time with family. Hospice rooms and final goodbyes.

It is a reminder that eventually I'll have to visit the funeral home again because of cancer until the cure is found.

It is a reminder of the deadly disease that stole my dad, Tammy's mom, Andrea's mom, Heather D's dad, Heather J's dad, so many, too many.

It is a reminder that the stupid *#$&(^)!@$&@#*^&(# cancer is in my body right now.   A reminder that I will finish the chemo soon and I will have surgery and have to wake up to hear whether they were able to get clear margins.  That this roller coaster ride is one that I will be on forever now. 

But is also a reminder of HOPE.

Hope that I see every day in my children. In the unexpected and unexplainable gifts that I have received. The never ending prayers and eased burdens and shared stories and just pure love that you all continue to share with me.

Hope for the cure so my babies can walk only to celebrate, not to remember.

Friday I relay. Sunday is Father's Day.  The third year I will not buy a golf shirt and golf balls. Emotional is an understatement.

With tears in my eyes, I hope for a cure. I hope that each day I make my Dad smile down at me at least once. I hope that those that are battling find comfort in His promises to us. I hope that the survivors know how proud I am of them.

I hope for miracles.

 

I hope for a cure.



Friday is relay day. Remember. Love. Hope.

 

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?px=20235573&pg=personal&fr_id=49586

 

 

 

Shit happens, but what happens when it doesn't?

Everyone knows the expression "SHIT HAPPENS", but what about the times in your life that it doesn't?!

Well, one or two or maybe all of the new drugs combined have made it difficult for me to make shit happen! 

All of the sudden 5 days have gone by and I think to myself, "Shit, I haven't shit in days!".  And then I look at my ever-growing beer gut (that is not currently being fed with beer and it's NOT happy about this) and realize I'm bloated and constipated!

WONDERFUL.  This is just wonderful!  What do I do now?? (I've never had this problem before.)

So, I tell one of my MUCH older friends about my latest pooping problem and she drops off some collase to assist in dropping the kids off at the pool. But, it's too late!  My butt isn't happy with me and my hemorrhoids have decided that they want to come out to play.

Well, hey, it's been a while!  I thought I told you that I didn't want to have a relationship with you anymore?  I didn't miss you!  You can climb back in and not rear your ugly head again...the rest of my life.

It was too late by this time though and my roids were unbearable.  At one point I thought I was going to black out when I tried to make shit happen!

Prophylactic (one of the new terms that my doctors use ALL the time instead of preventative) stool softeners from here on out.  I'm breaking up with the roids forever.  They're pretty much assholes.