Stirred, not shaken!

The new secretary has worked at our office for a couple months now.   She has an inflated image of my abilities...She might even think I'm superwoman!  Yesterday I was frazzled...today was not much better.   I was practically running up and down the halls in order to get all of the things out the door that needed to be sent. Even though I have downtime at work, when I'm busy, it is stressful and I have 15 things going on at the same time.  I have deadlines to meet, clients to meet with and impress, and an office to keep moving. When I make an error, I have to walk into my bosses office with my tail between my legs and admit to the mistake.  It's intimidating and can be overwhelming, but all of the things need to get done.  They aren't going to disappear or go away until they are addressed.  This morning she asked me how I have managed to work here this long with the constant stress and demands?  I laughed and told her that I'm not easily stirred and try really hard not to be shaken!

Before I left for the office this morning, Aaron was attempting to converse with me about a possible side job this weekend.  (As I'm attempting to herd the flock out the door, write a check to the sitter, make a mental list of all the things we need from the store, the things I need to remember for work, how I need to bring my "A" game to today,  how I need to clean out the office for house guests, etc.)  Rather than responding something like: "The extra cash would be nice, but only offer your assistance if you want to do it.  I'm sure the children would love to spend time with you, but if you decide to take the job, you need to line up the babysitters." I was stirred and defensive in my response:  "Well, you better get going on the babysitters, I already told them both we didn't need them, I'm not doing it! AND you told me to offer our house...you better not be gone the entire time we have company!" (I apologized for my poor reaction prior to leaving the house this morning and told him to do whatever he wanted, but I was stirred.  In my defense, I had not even had one cup of coffee;)).

How do you keep your emotions in check?   Can you appear calm, cool, and collected on the outside when you're a mess inside?

I'm back to reading the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich.  The way she describes the character named Ranger is not what I strive for, but is sometimes what I portray.  I don't intend to seem closed off, but sometimes in order to keep things together on the inside, I have to maintain a calm appearance on the outside.  Even in difficult situations, I work very hard to stay calm, not over-react, and complete the task at hand.   When I can feel the familiar sting of a tear forming, I take a deep breath and will it away.  When I want to scream, I close my eyes and picture something that makes me happy (right now it is the picture of the kids and Aaron by the campfire throwing peanut shells into the worn fire pit).

Usually after a really stressful day I find a place to be alone and take a deep breath or cry or pray or scream!  Rarely do I show to the outside world that I am shaken or even stirred, but it doesn't mean that I'm not shaken to the bone on the inside!  Just because I'm better at keeping the emotions hidden, doesn't mean the I don't feel them.  I have insecurities and buttons that when pushed cause eruptions and I think it's terrifying when I have to accept the blame...for anything!  I simply don't deal with the emotional side of things until I'm alone!

Next time your stirred, and before you're shaken, take a deep breath, picture a happy time and realize that the sun will rise again tomorrow regardless of the situation at hand.  The big project that seems to run your life at the time probably will not mean much to you in a few years time.  The hospital release date that seems so far in the distance will be there before you know it!  

Mojitos need to be shaken though!

PS: I have started 5 blog posts in the last week and can't concentrate on one long enough to finish it or proof read it or care enough to post it...so I'm posting this and I'm going to leave the other ones for a rainy day.  It's so nice outside, I'm enjoying my books and summer and by the time I cross off everything on my list I don't feel like writing.

Super big exciting praise God for the homecoming of Baby Avers yesterday!

Super big squeezy hugs and prayers to the Hammits this week. 

Conversations with Crackheads: Eat Glass!

D: Are you going to J's shower?  Do you want to go in on a gift?

L: Sure!!

D: What do you want to spend? Are you coming over for drinks later?

L: What we normally spend on a baby shower gift.  I doubt it, Ron doesn't get off til 11 and you'll probably be sleeping by then.

D: I took a nap so I may not be old tonight:)  There is a high chair for $80 or bedding for $55.

L: I don't give a shit what we get:)

D: Are we a little grumpy today, Mrs. Strong?

L: Lol, no, I put a smiley face at the end!

D: I can still feel the chill through the smiley face!

L: Well, eff off then:)

D: Might as well cut to the point!

L: LOL...the point really is that I have to get my fat ass into a bathing suit in an attempt to make my children have a nice night and in return they are running around the house crying and tattling and hitting and spitting at each effing other:) :) :) :) :)

D: Both getting into a bathing suit AND the screaming children part sounds miserable!  No bathing suit for me, I'm growing out for my first brazillion.

L: Oh, and in front of half the effing town of Woodville...wildabeast bush would only top off my cellulite:)

D: Bahahaha...are you going to the Woodville Pool? OMG! I would rather chew glass!!!!

L: LOL...yes...I know you're jealous:P

D: Yep, so jealous!! I'll drink an extra beer for you while I'm drinking in my fat pants and tshirt!

L: EFF OFF!!!

First post in conversations with crackheads: http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/07/conversations-with-crackheads.html

Conversations with Crackheads

L: MEAN COMMENT

A:  I'm not going to let you get me started and I hate, hate hate that it is so effing easy for you to get me going.

L: MEAN COMMENT TO ADD JUST ONE MORE JAB.

A: I DO NOT find you very entertaining:P And yeah, I just cap locked your ass!

L: Bahahahaha, that's ok, I'm cracking myself up!

A: I can tell you think you're pretty entertaining.

L: You think you're pretty entertaining too...I mean you just put a CAP in my ASS!

A: I literally just LOL'd and spit on my phone!  That sounds like something Mr. Grey might do;)

L: LOL...good thing we are so fun and funny!

A: No shit!  And cool too, and ya know, you can't teach cool!  I feel bad for people that aren't our friends!

L: LMFAO! No, ya can't teach cool!  H farted three times on the way home with the windows down.  After I dropped H off I stopped to get cash out and ran into S...I blared the horn at S until S threw up their arms in defeat...Nope, you can't teach shit like that!!!

A: Nope, that's coolness all the way!!!!

First post in the series of conversations with crackheads:)

What's the plan, Stan?

When we wake up each morning Lilly asks me what we are doing all day, what we're doing in the evening, what's going on this weekend.  Unfortunately for her, she's already the child that looks the most like me, but she is noticeably like me in too many ways to count as well.  She's a planner...eeekkk!

During the school year she worries about what the next day will bring.

"Tomorrow is Tuesday, I have gym.  I need to wear my tennis shoes."

"Tomorrow I have DI.  I need to remind Mom." 

"We're supposed to bring back our library books tomorrow, I have two in my room.  I need to put them in my bag now so that I don't forget." 

Never ending, always thinking about what's on the agenda!  What's the plan, Stan?

I think she is more thrown by this week of no plans than I am!  Monday she asked me at least five times what we were doing.  Each time I would respond, "Nothing" or "I don't know, Lil".  By 'nothing' I mean that we aren't expected to be anywhere.  It doesn't mean we aren't doing anything on my week of down time, it just means that we don't HAVE to!

So far we have went shopping, visited the ice cream shop 3/4 nights:), the kids and Aaron were able to meet Adrie, Aaron and I enjoyed a romantic evening together, I took a nap on my glider, I folded clothes outside while Aaron read and the children played, we ate peanuts and popcorn by the campfire, we laughed with each other at dinner (Keegan truly is a riot), we cuddled up together and watched a movie, we jumped on the trampoline, climbed trees, went to pool parties and after parties, had sleepovers, went shopping with only Camille, cooked TWO meals (and they were actually good (and I totally sliced my thumb so I'm using it as my excuse to wait another year/two/three to cook again:)))...and the week isn't over yet! 

The down time is amazing, but I have had a few inquiries about why the down time needs to include a facebook hiatus.  The reasons pretty much all revolve around me being selfish:) 

One reason is because I'm attempting to clear my desk at work so that I don't feel guilty taking days off here and there...I don't actually work for facebook, contrary to this misconception:)

Another reason is my FOMO-fear of missing out!  I don't want to see the fun that everyone is having without me. For example, I'm sure my friends posted pictures of a girls night that I decided not to attend.  The intent when I declined the invitation was to spend time with Aaron and the kids...only one-half of the intended participants showed up...my monsters.  If I would have been thinking about the fun I was "missing out on", I wouldn't have been present in the moment.  I wouldn't have enjoyed pitching to the monsters and their friends as much as I did.  Instead, I would have looked at their posts and pictures of how much fun they were having and been bitter that I wasn't at the movie with them. (You know, since Aaron wasn't spending time with us and that's why I said no in the first place;))  When my friend pointed it out that Aaron wasn't outside having fun with us, I bet she could feel the laser beams burning her from 50 yards away:)  But, I made the right decision.  My family enjoyed having Mommy home and I enjoyed playing ball with them...they would have missed me much more than my friends did.

The bigger reason is simply because I needed a recharge. Pre-facebook I had a large group of people that depended on me.  Now that I blog more regularly and fb daily, even more people depend on me.  Sometimes they ask for advice, sometimes they want an opinion, sometimes prayer requests, a referral, etc...whatever causes them to reach out to me is important to me.  I want to help whenever I can. I enjoy spreading good news and if someone is need, I want to be there for them.

Yet, sometimes I need to read stories of triumph and love rather than listen to rumors that I pray are false.  I don't take happy pills, so, at times, it is necessary to take myself out of the drama happening in others lives so I can sit back and enjoy the happy things in my own life.  Sometimes I just want to read blogs instead of share my soul with the world:)

Here is one that I found while I surfed the Internet rather than troll on facebook...I LOVE.LOVE.LOVE IT! I have read about 10 of her most recent posts and LOVE them all.   At one of my eventful weekends this past month we discussed FOMO and even admitted to feeling like her little picture in the post sometimes: "Pinterest makes me like people I've never met...Facebook makes me hate people that I know in real life."  http://greatbigyes.com/?p=1630  I signed up to follow her via email and anxiously await her return to the blogging/facebook/Internet world, but I also hope she's enjoying her time away!

I enjoy Facebook.  I like to keep in contact with people that without Facebook wouldn't be possible...I just needed a little break.  You know, without a plan, Stan.

A few pictures of what we've been up to without a plan:)

MEET ADRIE:)

FUN IN THE SUN, BUBBLES IN THE AIR, DIRTY FEET AND WE DON'T CARE!

Keegan consoling Gus:)

Family Time:) :) :)

Below was not this week, but I absolutely LOVE it, so I had to share:) Keegan and Wyatt...BFFS:)

 Very happy, Tinley:)

A Rowdy Bunch:)

Eight is Great

Sometimes I can't stand my husband! We fight. We disagree.  I drive him crazy.  He drives me crazy!

BUT lately we have been getting along very well.  After conversing with a few of my friends via email, I thought  that maybe it was due to the best selling books I read recently? ;)  More likely though, it's because I'm consciously focusing more energy in his direction. 

I have been thinking about the things he likes and dislikes.  I thought about what he would want to do the next couple weeks instead of mapping out what we will be doing every hour of the day. Oh, I also let a few things that would normally send me over the edge, go-like poof, right out of my mind never to be thought of again-go.  (It helped that I had my friend coming to visit shortly after he did a few things that DRIVE.ME.CRAZY., I'm sure, but either way, I didn't lecture, I didn't stomp around the house, I just let it go...AND...it helped.)

Sometimes we get lost in the crazy-busy and forget to pay attention to each other.  During the period of overload, I stopped asking him about his day.  As I scooped the kids up and shuttled them to the next activity, I didn't think to call him or shoot him a text to tell him that I was thinking about him.  I didn't bother to wait up for him when he was working late.  I didn't wake him up before I left for work. 

A couple friends suggested a 'family week' when I posted about overload a few weeks ago.  One of them couldn't help but to roll her eyes when I told her that I had already scheduled one:)  Yes, even down time is a scheduled activity in my household!  I have been looking forward to this week since the middle of June.  Now, I'm not going to pretend that I didn't enjoy all of the fun activities that were scheduled over the last month. I did and I wouldn't trade all of that time for the world!!  But, this week was a much needed reprieve from the crazy-busy. 

My husband deserves part my focus and my children deserve my undivided attention.  Even when we're busy.  Even when I'm tired. Even when the only quiet time is the 8 minute shower.  I need to schedule more down time.

This week the scheduled down time was for my anniversary.  It was by far our best anniversary to date. Not because I received jewerly (that I do totally love and adore).  Not because we spent too much money on dinner.  Not because I posted how much I love my husband on facebook.  But because I put my books down and talked to my handsome husband on the way to and from dinner.  We talked about our jobs, our goals, our beliefs, our desires and our fears.  Because I sat across from him and told him how much I appreciate all that he does as we ate dinner outside together on a beautiful evening.  Because we laughed at my interpretation of how he views our relationship over the years and how accurate it is! Because we talked about what we want and expect out of each other in order make the next eight years even more magical than the first eight.

Eight is great!   I hope he enjoyed our special day as much as I did!

Believe in Change?

So, I claim to believe in change.  Obviously seasons change, life changes and even people change. I take comfort in the notion that people can and are capable of change.  Taking it a step further, I believe that people inherently want to do good.  I say that I want to embrace change and believe in the power to change from the inside, out (http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2011/09/only-thing-in-life-that-is.html)...

I have confidence that personally, I am constantly changing, rethinking how I can be a better person, mother, wife, daughter, and friend.  I have committed to making life changes and I continue to push myself to keep the promises to myself and to remain committed to them. 

I believe that others can commit to life changes as well.  Yesterday I went home to find play dough on the counter.  I asked Lilly if they did play dough at Christina's and she said "No, Daddy let us get it out!"  This is TOTALLY out of character for my hubby!  I am the parent that allows the mess; whether it is play dough, crafts, allowing them to "help" me bake, I am the person they know to ask.  Intrigued, I asked him what was up with the play dough? His response: "I'm trying to be nicer to the children."   Of course I practically jumped on his back in an attempt to hug him from behind, but knowing that he is making a conscious effort to change, made my heart skip a beat!  Especially since I haven't even lectured him lately;)

WARNING: SOMETIMES I AM MEAN TO PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE (and usually feel bad after). But, generally, I give people the benefit of the doubt.   I try to see the good, even in the bad.  I try not to believe rumors.  I hope for the best.  I think people can change.

I agree with many of the facebook responses to my inquiry about change. I too believe that values and morals shift, focus can be enhanced or diminished, and ultimately people do change...sometimes.  I suppose a more focused approach to what I'm struggling with is who are you willing to put at risk when you are hoping and praying that someone will change or has changed?  How many times do you offer the opportunity to change?  How do you prevent yourself from becoming bitter after you have been burned once, twice or more?   What do you do when you are disappointed when the change doesn't last?  What if it involves children?  What if it involves your children?

A friend pushes your friendship to the test every time they enter a new relationship, but expect you to pick up the pieces each time they fall apart when it's over? What about a spouse that claims that they will stop volunteering, but says yes in the next breath? :) Maybe you are let down by a coworker once, do you allow yourself to trust them to get the job done in your absence the next time?

Personally, if I'm the one at risk of being let down or hurt, I'm ok with hoping and praying for change, but not when it comes to my children or children in general.

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Yesterday I watched a young mother drag one crying toddler by the hand while she was screaming at her other toddler to hurry up.  He wasn't moving quickly enough for her liking, so she waited for him to catch up and forcefully pushed his head to prod him along.  I prayed for the sweet crying children as they walked by me and tonight I pray for their mother to change, for her morals and values to shift.

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Soon another "mother" I know will be offered another chance to raise her children. Thinking about the reasons they were taken from her in the first place makes me ill. Has she changed?  Will it last?  I can pray for it, but I have serious reservations!

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The giggling sound of the children jumping on the trampoline fills my heart, but one little giggle is missing now.  Her "mother" was awarded custody.  Strange that her mother fought for her and not her sibling that was taken away a couple years before her.  Strange that she comes with a paycheck and her sibling doesn't.  Strange that her "mother" claims to be destitute, but can finance hefty attorney bills to fight for the child with a monthly income, but not for her other child.  Did the "mother" change from the time the shy little girl hesitantly, after gathering all of her courage, knocked on my door to the time she would yell from 100 yards away to tell me good morning?  Her beautiful daughter certainly did.  She gained confidence, learned to tie her shoes, smiled without trying to hide it, and giggled uncontrollably.  But the court decision believes that her "mother" has changed...do you?  Continued prayers for our pretty little neighbor friend.

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I won't do it again, I promise, I have changed!  Do you believe it?

Even...Now

Even now
I do and say things
because I know that others
expect me to respond a certain way.

Although I pray regularly,
I have doubts and insecurities buried
deep, deep inside.

Even now, when I repent often,
I have many regrets,
continue to make mistakes,
and fail to be all that He intends.

Even now,
now that I believe in Him with all of my heart,
I question why.

Even now
I have to push myself
to be more Every. Single Day.

Even now
I come up short,
leave the walls up,
missing takes my breath away.

Even
though I am stronger
Now,
I still struggle.
Even now.