"Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few." Ecclesiastes 5:2
I started a post with this verse and lesson booming in my head quite some time ago, I think my family referred to me as a tornado when I was learning the lesson. As I write today, the example floating around in my head is different, but I can probably make the post more powerful if I use my feelings from my original post so I will give that example first and attempt to paint the picture of how I was feeling then. But I want everyone to remember that this verse is universal and powerful, not just when the stakes are high, but all the time. I think we can all put ourselves into a situation that this verse relates to and if you are known to be "blunt" maybe even put the verse to use daily!
My parents moved into our house at the beginning of June last year. If everyone was speaking candidly, we would have all confessed that we assumed my father would not be alive at the end of August, let alone fighting the disease until nearly November. He had multiple brain lesions and the cancer was no longer contained to the site in his lungs. The oncologist told him that there weren't any other treatment options that he could offer. Even after his decision to try gamma knife, (cutting edge technology) at the Cleveland Clinic, the outlook was bleak. The statistics illustrated that he would not be living with us for more than a couple months. Not that this played any part in our decision to offer our home to my parents, but in the back of our minds, we knew the odds. There was an end was in sight. The change was worth it no matter how long they would be residing in our house. We had plenty of room, our bathroom was handicap accessible, it really wasn't even a discussion. I said to my husband, "I think it would be best if my parents move into our house". He responded directly, lovingly and immediately, "when are they moving in?"
When people ask me how long Aaron will be on this crazy shift the most frustrating part is that I have to tell them that I don't know. If I knew that he would only have to be on this shift for a year, I think I would be a little more optimistic, but in reality it could be for a long time. It is hard to smile and say we will get used to it because I doubt we will get used to it. No matter how long he is on it! Change is hard for everyone, especially when you can't predict the future.
From the time my parents moved into our house, our life was different. Different means change, and honestly, change is difficult. We had to change many things in order to make my dad comfortable. Physical things like moving the computer, adding a ramp to the garage, moving some furniture around...that change was easy. It was the emotional changes that were difficult and demanding. Care-taking is the most demanding and challenging job I have had thus far in my life by leaps and bounds. Expectations don't get much higher than when you are caring for a person that is dying. You want the end of life to be as comfortable and rewarding as humanly possible...pretty high expectations.
We all adjusted to change. We all were doing our part to keep my dad from the deep dark places of depression. As I have stated previously, I am a planner, OCD organized. When I started this post in September I was stressed to the max with work, family, life, care-taking, etc...too many titles. In September we also signed up for Hospice, my dad was done with treatment and they told us to call whoever might want to have a visit with him into town. Over three months into our roommate situation, struggling with the daily changes caused by the disease and the fact that life doesn't ever slow down, everyone was tired. Still, my cousin from out of state and my little brother were coming home for a visit, so I planned a big family gathering.
I was running around getting the last minute things that we needed to have a nice, relaxing dinner for 20...just reading that sentence now makes me laugh. Nice, relaxing...for 20:) But that is what I expected. I have also called myself out on multiple occasions and have admitted that I am also too demanding and too expecting of both myself and others. If I am doing this, this and this, I expect everyone around me to be doing the same (or more:)). I envisioned everyone pleasantly sitting around the multiple tables in the house sharing our family memories over dinner as we have done so many times before. The memories that are embedded in each of us so deeply.
As I was rushing around yelling orders, I asked my little brother to run to the store and grab some coke and a couple other last minute items we needed to make this dinner a success. He continued to talk with my cousin and uncles and gave me a nonchalant wave, like in a minute, Laura. Probably thinking, I am in the middle of a conversation and I'll get it when I get to it (controlling freak sister)!
I went and checked on my dad, assuming my brother would complete the simple task for me. My dad was not feeling the party I had planned on his behalf. He didn't want to visit with anyone, he just wanted to be alone. Deep sigh moment. It is heart wrenching to see your father, a person that has always stressed the importance of family, so unwilling to be excited to spend time with those who love him the most. When he told me he just wanted to lay in his room, I was furious. I went to all this trouble to have his brothers, my cousins, all the kids over, for what? I was emotionally spent, devastated by his reaction to what I thought would bring such joy to his day.
As I re-entered the circus formed in the kitchen, I didn't think about how it was probably over-stimulating with all the madness or maybe he simply didn't feel well. I was just so hurt that he didn't want to spend time with us. Rather than cry or break down, I pushed the blame on my little brother because he had failed to get the soda. I stormed out of the house, passed him in a fury. (If you ask the spectators, I was probably whirling and swirling, picking up ammunition on the way to the car, as I walked the aisles at the grocery store and as I slammed down the pop when I returned.)
Jake is the exact opposite of me in almost all ways. He is carefree, fly by the seat of your pants, untroubled by most events. I doubt he even owns a planner! When I stormed back into the house he jokingly prodes me "hey sis, did you want me to go get that now?" If Tornado Laura was picking up speed before his comment, this was the last little gust that was needed to set the path for destruction. I exploded on him! He did not even know what was coming, but I vented about things that I SHOULD have talked to him about casually, when I was not angry. I expected him to step up, not just when I asked him to get soda, but now, for our family, I expected more. I still expect him to step up, but I should not have done so when I was so angry about what I viewed as his shortcomings.
Instead of waiting until I was calm to discuss my expectations rationally, I unloaded on him in front of the rest of my family. After the storm settled, I was the one that was left to pick up the pieces of the devastation that I had caused. I was the one to blame for this disaster. I prematurely judged my brother and the emotion that had been building up over the past few months caused the tornado to be quite powerful.
The next day, as the dust was settling, I started a post titled "Do not be quick with your mouth."
This week I am aware of woman drama occurring within my group of friends. I so want to join in (not log on, but have someone put in my two cents at least)! But, I'm going to learn from the verse, Tornado Laura and the MANY other times I have put my foot in my mouth and just stay neutral! If either side asks for my opinion, you bet I will still give it, but I will have thought and prayed on the correct responses and my words will be few! Trying to keep in mind that I do not know the driving forces behind others actions or what they are thinking so who am I to judge?
"Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few." Ecclesiastes 5:2
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
I logged into Facebook...
April Fools:) Addicted to Facebook Week 3.5
I soooo want to log in though! I want to see what everyone else thought about Grey's!!
Personally, I liked the music event, but it did seem kind of choppy in some of the transitions from story to song. I love "Breathe" by Anna Nalick and obviously "How to Save a Life" by the Fray as it is the theme song to my favoritest show. Absolutely, 100% loved "The Story" by Brandi Carlile as it reminds me of sadness under the smiles or the canvas under the painting that I have referred to before. You know, how the picture painted for the world to see often isn't as pretty before the tulips and birds are added to the painting. Sometimes "all of these lines across my face" can be hidden by a trip to the tanning bed, a touch of shimmery makeup and quite easily with a smile. It's hard to know what is really inside of people, deep down in their soul or what thoughts are really going through their messed up head! LOVE IT.
GREY'S: Callie has an outstanding voice and I think she made the episode a success! I could do without Owen all together and Christina in her bra makes me want to throw up in my mouth, but overall loved the show as usual:) "The Story" will be played in my car on repeat for a while!
Excited for girl time (in need of an escape from the everyday running around (like a chicken with my head cut off) routine!!) Thankful for friends that have way cooler shoes than me AND bring me lunch:) Bunco at my lovers followed by singing at the PI...can't think of anything I'd rather do! Before I assume full time Mommy duty and play hostess to sleepovers, crafting and beauty shop, I get to have a brunch date with Tam, Julie and Dell:) Too bad I have to get a bunch of returns off my desk first!
I soooo want to log in though! I want to see what everyone else thought about Grey's!!
Personally, I liked the music event, but it did seem kind of choppy in some of the transitions from story to song. I love "Breathe" by Anna Nalick and obviously "How to Save a Life" by the Fray as it is the theme song to my favoritest show. Absolutely, 100% loved "The Story" by Brandi Carlile as it reminds me of sadness under the smiles or the canvas under the painting that I have referred to before. You know, how the picture painted for the world to see often isn't as pretty before the tulips and birds are added to the painting. Sometimes "all of these lines across my face" can be hidden by a trip to the tanning bed, a touch of shimmery makeup and quite easily with a smile. It's hard to know what is really inside of people, deep down in their soul or what thoughts are really going through their messed up head! LOVE IT.
GREY'S: Callie has an outstanding voice and I think she made the episode a success! I could do without Owen all together and Christina in her bra makes me want to throw up in my mouth, but overall loved the show as usual:) "The Story" will be played in my car on repeat for a while!
Excited for girl time (in need of an escape from the everyday running around (like a chicken with my head cut off) routine!!) Thankful for friends that have way cooler shoes than me AND bring me lunch:) Bunco at my lovers followed by singing at the PI...can't think of anything I'd rather do! Before I assume full time Mommy duty and play hostess to sleepovers, crafting and beauty shop, I get to have a brunch date with Tam, Julie and Dell:) Too bad I have to get a bunch of returns off my desk first!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Temptation, Defeat and the Mirror
I'm not going to sugar coat it since it will not do any good! It was after midnight on Saturday (AKA SUNDAY morning) so by a technicality I could be off the lent sacrifice hook. Additionally, I know that the only witnesses to my defeat would not tattle on me. I really don't have to call myself out, but since my Bible study this week is about "Everything You Have Ever Done" I thought I should probably confess! Plus, God knows without me having to type it or say it out loud and really that is who I let down (well and everyone that loves me since my sacrifice is really terrible for you)! I smoked three cigarettes this weekend and all in about 30 minutes.
I want to type all the reasons building up to the walk into the garage. I feel compelled to explain why my week and weekend was so stressful and why I "needed" to have one, but that is all relative (plus my husband HATES when I write details about my personal life). I didn't NEED one (if I can go almost three weeks without one it's not a nicotine addiction), I wanted one and I gave into the temptation.
Today I'm using my blog and anyone that reads it as a mirror. I am writing as the Samaritan Woman at the well and I am confessing my sins so that I am forced to be accountable, ashamed and embarrassed. I understand that He knows before I confess via writing that I am regretful. As soon as I left the garage the smell of smoke disgusted me and I apologized right then to God. Only minutes after surrendering to the temptation of the habit, I felt moral anguish and disgust for my lack of willpower and faith.
I knew that I shouldn't do it and did it anyways. SIN. How many times in your life have you been in this situation? A situation where you felt immediate remorse for your action or inaction? Other instances it takes reflection to realize your shortcomings and the remorse sets in later, but either way when you make a mistake, the regret is inevitable. When your witnesses won't tell do you feel less remorseful? Since only one or two people know the truth does that make it better? I used to think it did. My thought process used to be something similar to "as long as my parents never find out about this" or "he can never know about that".
Even though one of my favorite poems has always been "The Man in the Glass", it wasn't until recently that I printed it out and put a copy in my wallet in an attempt to keep the lesson with me at all times. It is only recently that I started to look for the deeper meaning and value in life, forgive freely and surrender to the grace of God. The poem illuminates the truth: that you can go through life and everyone can think you're grand, but at the end of the day what does the mirror have to say? Does the reflection look like the image you are portraying to the world or do you see an image full of flaws and shortcomings? This story reminds us that all the deeds that you try so hard to keep hidden, all the thoughts that you think are tucked tightly in your brain alone are also shared with God.
In one sense it is frightening to imagine yourself as the Samaritan Woman at the well; to face all of the sins, all the mistakes, the bad thoughts in your head. Can you imagine meeting Jesus and listening to him recite all of your failures and sins? The ultimate mirror! Things you might not even think about anymore right there in front of you in the bright noon sunlight. The Samaritan woman was attempting to avoid any and all mirrors by going to the well at noon; fighting the scorching heat of midday rather than face her peers. Instead she is greeted by Jesus and he told her everything she ever did.
Yet, in another way it is a relief to have the truth be known. It is often stated that the truth will set you free. This story is the best example I have read of this adage. After speaking with Jesus, the woman ran to her fellow townspeople to tell them about this person that was able to tell her all she had ever done. She couldn't wait to tell all the people! On any other day she would hide from the these same people at all costs, but this day she even went as far as to tell them that the she believed He could be the Messiah. The people that on any other day, she would prefer facing the hottest part of the day in order to escape their ridicule, nasty looks or even pass by them.
She was ashamed to go to the well because of her lowly status, in the passage it is portrayed that she has quite a reputation of sin. Yet, when she speaks to Jesus, rather than feeling guilt, shame, or embarrassment as she faces the recollection of her sins, instead she feels spiritual rebirth. A need to confess her sins so that she can drink the living water. A need to believe in Jesus so that she can feel His loving grace. Instead of feeling shame, she felt a sense of renewed spirit.
If you want to read the passage click here
So today I'm using this writing as my mirror. To confess that I was weak. To confess that I surrendered to temptation, not just this weekend when I walked into the garage and lit the cigarette, but for the many times that I have fallen short in my eyes and in His eyes. In hopes that I too can drink the living water and feel his loving grace. Praying that the next time that I am faced with temptation, my faith will keep me grounded and allow me to fight the temptation.
The Man In The Glass
Peter "Dale" Winbrow Sr
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
I want to type all the reasons building up to the walk into the garage. I feel compelled to explain why my week and weekend was so stressful and why I "needed" to have one, but that is all relative (plus my husband HATES when I write details about my personal life). I didn't NEED one (if I can go almost three weeks without one it's not a nicotine addiction), I wanted one and I gave into the temptation.
Today I'm using my blog and anyone that reads it as a mirror. I am writing as the Samaritan Woman at the well and I am confessing my sins so that I am forced to be accountable, ashamed and embarrassed. I understand that He knows before I confess via writing that I am regretful. As soon as I left the garage the smell of smoke disgusted me and I apologized right then to God. Only minutes after surrendering to the temptation of the habit, I felt moral anguish and disgust for my lack of willpower and faith.
I knew that I shouldn't do it and did it anyways. SIN. How many times in your life have you been in this situation? A situation where you felt immediate remorse for your action or inaction? Other instances it takes reflection to realize your shortcomings and the remorse sets in later, but either way when you make a mistake, the regret is inevitable. When your witnesses won't tell do you feel less remorseful? Since only one or two people know the truth does that make it better? I used to think it did. My thought process used to be something similar to "as long as my parents never find out about this" or "he can never know about that".
Even though one of my favorite poems has always been "The Man in the Glass", it wasn't until recently that I printed it out and put a copy in my wallet in an attempt to keep the lesson with me at all times. It is only recently that I started to look for the deeper meaning and value in life, forgive freely and surrender to the grace of God. The poem illuminates the truth: that you can go through life and everyone can think you're grand, but at the end of the day what does the mirror have to say? Does the reflection look like the image you are portraying to the world or do you see an image full of flaws and shortcomings? This story reminds us that all the deeds that you try so hard to keep hidden, all the thoughts that you think are tucked tightly in your brain alone are also shared with God.
In one sense it is frightening to imagine yourself as the Samaritan Woman at the well; to face all of the sins, all the mistakes, the bad thoughts in your head. Can you imagine meeting Jesus and listening to him recite all of your failures and sins? The ultimate mirror! Things you might not even think about anymore right there in front of you in the bright noon sunlight. The Samaritan woman was attempting to avoid any and all mirrors by going to the well at noon; fighting the scorching heat of midday rather than face her peers. Instead she is greeted by Jesus and he told her everything she ever did.
Yet, in another way it is a relief to have the truth be known. It is often stated that the truth will set you free. This story is the best example I have read of this adage. After speaking with Jesus, the woman ran to her fellow townspeople to tell them about this person that was able to tell her all she had ever done. She couldn't wait to tell all the people! On any other day she would hide from the these same people at all costs, but this day she even went as far as to tell them that the she believed He could be the Messiah. The people that on any other day, she would prefer facing the hottest part of the day in order to escape their ridicule, nasty looks or even pass by them.
She was ashamed to go to the well because of her lowly status, in the passage it is portrayed that she has quite a reputation of sin. Yet, when she speaks to Jesus, rather than feeling guilt, shame, or embarrassment as she faces the recollection of her sins, instead she feels spiritual rebirth. A need to confess her sins so that she can drink the living water. A need to believe in Jesus so that she can feel His loving grace. Instead of feeling shame, she felt a sense of renewed spirit.
If you want to read the passage click here
So today I'm using this writing as my mirror. To confess that I was weak. To confess that I surrendered to temptation, not just this weekend when I walked into the garage and lit the cigarette, but for the many times that I have fallen short in my eyes and in His eyes. In hopes that I too can drink the living water and feel his loving grace. Praying that the next time that I am faced with temptation, my faith will keep me grounded and allow me to fight the temptation.
The Man In The Glass
Peter "Dale" Winbrow Sr
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you're a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Should we change the saying???
During correspondence with my friend that has also lost a parent, I am reminded that the saying "it gets easier with time" might just be a saying! She thinks the saying should probably be "it gets DIFFERENT with time", not easier. As the time passes you don't think of your lost loved one less, you don't ache to spend time with them less, you just know better how to suppress the tears better or find a distraction before you let the emotion build inside of you (or go take a second shower so you can cry alone). When you hear a story about a mother and daughter going to a play or having a spa day and your mom is gone, it doesn't matter if your mom has been in heaven for a week or ten years! Either way you want to be watching the play with your mom or going to get massages together.
Last night I was feeling the sting of the swing shift. I have been rising with the birds in order to fulfill my commitment of a 40 hour work week (go working moms-NOT...I used to love being a working mom, but with Aaron's shift it is close to impossible to enjoy waking up at 530 to get in hours and I am severely missing the release I get when I attend boot camp)! Camille has not been sleeping well and honestly, I kind of feel (and look) sort of like a zombie! I was so excited when my mom called to ask if I wanted her to pick up pizza last night! It has been a long week!
Even though she bought and picked up the pizza I am much more thankful for the adult conversation AND help with baths than the pizza! She even attempted to comfort Camille the first time she woke up. She stayed and watched Grey's and most of Private Practice and it was so nice to have her.
When she left, I cried. Cried because I thought of the conversation earlier in the week with one of my best friends. She never gets help with the baths when her husband is working. It is such a simple thing: pizza and help with the bedtime routine. Yet, it is mutually rewarding because my mom enjoys spending the time with my kids, the kids love to sing and dance with her and I needed her company, too!
This is certainly not any different when it involves the opposite sex parent dying. My dad and I shared many of the same passions and enjoyed our together time as well, but last night I mourned for Sharon. Mostly because I want Tam, Andrea, Marci, Maryellen, Kelly to be able to call their moms and tell them that they are tired and that they need help with their monsters or want to take a shopping trip or simply go for a walk. Because they don't call me until they have already dealt with the situation and are feeling fine.
I also understand that it is not easier to loose a parent when you are older or your kids are grown, but young children can be exhausting. So, today I am thankful that my mom is around to help me and surprise me with pizza and bedtime routines. Unfortunately, I can't put any "spin" that brings Sharon or my other friends' mothers back.
What do you think? Does it get easier with time or should we just change the saying?
Last night I was feeling the sting of the swing shift. I have been rising with the birds in order to fulfill my commitment of a 40 hour work week (go working moms-NOT...I used to love being a working mom, but with Aaron's shift it is close to impossible to enjoy waking up at 530 to get in hours and I am severely missing the release I get when I attend boot camp)! Camille has not been sleeping well and honestly, I kind of feel (and look) sort of like a zombie! I was so excited when my mom called to ask if I wanted her to pick up pizza last night! It has been a long week!
Even though she bought and picked up the pizza I am much more thankful for the adult conversation AND help with baths than the pizza! She even attempted to comfort Camille the first time she woke up. She stayed and watched Grey's and most of Private Practice and it was so nice to have her.
When she left, I cried. Cried because I thought of the conversation earlier in the week with one of my best friends. She never gets help with the baths when her husband is working. It is such a simple thing: pizza and help with the bedtime routine. Yet, it is mutually rewarding because my mom enjoys spending the time with my kids, the kids love to sing and dance with her and I needed her company, too!
This is certainly not any different when it involves the opposite sex parent dying. My dad and I shared many of the same passions and enjoyed our together time as well, but last night I mourned for Sharon. Mostly because I want Tam, Andrea, Marci, Maryellen, Kelly to be able to call their moms and tell them that they are tired and that they need help with their monsters or want to take a shopping trip or simply go for a walk. Because they don't call me until they have already dealt with the situation and are feeling fine.
I also understand that it is not easier to loose a parent when you are older or your kids are grown, but young children can be exhausting. So, today I am thankful that my mom is around to help me and surprise me with pizza and bedtime routines. Unfortunately, I can't put any "spin" that brings Sharon or my other friends' mothers back.
What do you think? Does it get easier with time or should we just change the saying?
Facebook Withdrawal Week 2.5!!!
When I authored the post on Tuesday regarding the second week of disconnection from the world I wasn't feeling too anxious about missing the social network. After two 10 hour days with nothing to break up the day, it was awful!! I wanted to log on so bad on both days.
Everyone in my book club told me that I could log on Sunday...that you can treat yourself...I REALLY WANT TO!! But I won't because I said I wouldn't. And I think it's lame that I want to so bad!
I really wanted a cigarette last night too! Camille has an ear infection (doctor appointment at 11) so she was inconsolable. I wanted soooo badly to hand her off to Aaron when he walked in at 11:07 and go directly to the garage! But I didn't and today I'm glad that I didn't:) Especially since my mom hasn't had one! Yay for her!
Oh and a few people asked how to be notified when I posted something...if you put your email address in at the top of the blog you will be notified when I post something new. You will not be listed as a follower on the left hand side of the blog, but will receive email notification of each new post:) Which due to lack of facebook is increasing in number per week;)
My friend is in surgery as we speak to have the other side of her thyroid removed as it tested positive for cancerous cells. Please pray for my young friend!
Everyone in my book club told me that I could log on Sunday...that you can treat yourself...I REALLY WANT TO!! But I won't because I said I wouldn't. And I think it's lame that I want to so bad!
I really wanted a cigarette last night too! Camille has an ear infection (doctor appointment at 11) so she was inconsolable. I wanted soooo badly to hand her off to Aaron when he walked in at 11:07 and go directly to the garage! But I didn't and today I'm glad that I didn't:) Especially since my mom hasn't had one! Yay for her!
Oh and a few people asked how to be notified when I posted something...if you put your email address in at the top of the blog you will be notified when I post something new. You will not be listed as a follower on the left hand side of the blog, but will receive email notification of each new post:) Which due to lack of facebook is increasing in number per week;)
My friend is in surgery as we speak to have the other side of her thyroid removed as it tested positive for cancerous cells. Please pray for my young friend!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Into the Wilderness
During the season of lent, Christians are supposed to force themselves to think about the darker parts of their existence, look deeper, face the beasts in the wilderness. We are forced to think about our tempters, seek a deeper relationship with God, repent for our wrongdoings, consider how much time we are "in the kitchen" at church opposed to how much time we are actually spending with God. In other words, how much time are we completing the tasks (that certainly need to be done)and in the busyness of the tasks neglecting to spend time with God? We are seeking the reconciliation of God and humankind, especially as accomplished through the life, suffering, and death of Jesus Christ. At the end of the lent period we are supposed to feel more connected to God.
During lent some Christians choose to face these deeper, darker passages in the Bible in an attempt to come away feeling more connected with God by sharing treasures with God. In life that is not how it always works. Most of the time we don't CHOOSE to go into the wilderness. Most of the time our periods of darkness and periods of time left alone in our head are not by conscious decision, but instead by circumstance. The darkness suddenly appears (POOF) with the news of cancer, the loss of a loved one, an unexpected hospital stay.
I decided to give up facebook because I was feeling emotionally drained. I would read a story about someone that was in the wilderness and I would feel their pain. I would imagine myself in their situation and my head would spin, tears would well in my eyes, and I would email them or call them, causing me to feel even more emotionally invested in their struggle. In the end, I think both parties benefited from the communication, but at the end of the day, I would have less of the good, happy emotion left to spend with my family.
When I made the commitment to neglect myself of facebook, I thought that would solve the problem. I think Aaron even went along with my theory for a while. It didn't. I have lived in Woodville 96% of my life. I have connections to every person in town and not by the six degrees of separation, but by one and at the greatest two degrees. I can't get away from my need to help those in need, I just find other ways to find the people in need, or they find me.
Giving up facebook cannot restore my emotional health! I don't know why I thought it could! (and no, don't get excited, I'm not coming back until Easter;)) However, my next, on a whim, decision to join a lent book club the day it started, could! Joining this small group of other "Martha's", other people that are normally "in the kitchen", has renewed my emotional spirit. I have to be accountable to them each week and prepare myself for our reflection time. I have to read the Bible verses and think about the challenge questions so that I can participate in the group. I have to spend time with God and I have realized that is the only way to restore my emotional spirit.
Last week our discussion was focused on times we have been in the wilderness, the deep, dark times where tempters like to come in. I spent time thinking of times I have been in the wilderness and how I was able to eventually find my way out. Some of the angels that I identified during times of my wilderness stay are family, friends, books, memories and God's love. Some of the beasts that we came up with were doubt, confusion, fear, exhaustion, depression and many, many more. When you are in the wilderness the beasts seem to bread like crazy and the angels can often seem few and far between.
I extended an invitation to a friend from college, someone that doesn't fall into the one degree of separation category! I haven't had time to spend with her recently and she is one of my friends that is always "all in". She is one of the first people to call if they hear I am not doing well, first to respond that she would love to celebrate a special occasion, there to listen if I simply want to complain the entire half hour drive home (and laugh at my too critical and too expecting outlook). Unlike the majority of my friends I have not known her since kindergarten, but no matter how many months go by without talking we can pick up right where we left off.
She texted me back that she could not meet me at the square dance. She can't meet me at the square dance because she has thyroid cancer. The first step of the treatment plan is to remove part of her thyroid (and biopsy the other part in hopes to save part of the gland). If the biopsy comes back clean they will leave part of her thyroid gland and monitor regularly. If it comes back irregular she will have to have another surgery to remove the other part of the gland. After she heals from this surgery(ies) she will receive radiation medicine to hopefully take care of the rest of the stupid cancer cells. My response to her: F THAT!!!!! Seriously, that was my first response. In the same text was also: What's the treatment plan? Do you want to talk? And I love you...but my first response was F That. I am so over cancer right now! I wanted to throw my phone!
My friend is not even 30 yet. She is supposed to be looking forward to wrapping up her school year so that she can play all summer with her little man that is only a couple years old and cook out with her wonderful husband. She is supposed to be shopping for her trip to Las Vegas with 7 other young women. Now she has to have a fairly major operation, radiation and hormone therapy forever. NOT FAIR!
I still want to throw something, but I know that it is not going to help. What will help my friend are all the things that I have been learning in the past week and will continue to learn in the weeks to come. Since I am more able to identify the beasts and more aware of their presence, I can be quicker to throw them out (instead of my phone)! I am more able to invite the angels in and they can help defend against the beasts. I will find my way to the light much easier and quicker with the angels by my side.
I can't wait until I get to go see my beautiful friend, Julie Ann, so that I can cry with her and be mad with her, but most importantly so that I can help her identify some of her angels and beasts. I am so thankful that I took the time out of my day on Ash Wednesday to be like "Mary", pray and listen to God. That I took the time to listen to him speak to me and tell me to learn more about Him because He is the one that can restore my spirit. Happy to that I feel renewed, whole and ready to help my friend fight away her beasts! This type of cancer has very favorable odds with early detection and treatment...hopefully the next time I get the cancer news my first response will be "God loves you, is with you and will help you get out of the wilderness. I will too!"
Please pray for my friend. For her strength, for her faith, for her family, for her to feel God's love. And yes, Jess, A prayer for a cure for cancer too!!!
First surgery (and biopsy collection) complete (3/23/11)and awake in recovery room via Andrea. Wait, hope and pray for good biopsy of the other part of the gland. Hope and pray for a quick recovery and minimal side effects from the radiation medicine.
UPDATE: Starts her raditation today (5/3). She can not be around anyone for 3 days and anyone under 12 for an additional 7...this includes her handsome young toddler. Gets a scan (5/12) to make sure the stupid c-word isn't anywhere else in her way too young for c-word body. Prayers, please.
During lent some Christians choose to face these deeper, darker passages in the Bible in an attempt to come away feeling more connected with God by sharing treasures with God. In life that is not how it always works. Most of the time we don't CHOOSE to go into the wilderness. Most of the time our periods of darkness and periods of time left alone in our head are not by conscious decision, but instead by circumstance. The darkness suddenly appears (POOF) with the news of cancer, the loss of a loved one, an unexpected hospital stay.
I decided to give up facebook because I was feeling emotionally drained. I would read a story about someone that was in the wilderness and I would feel their pain. I would imagine myself in their situation and my head would spin, tears would well in my eyes, and I would email them or call them, causing me to feel even more emotionally invested in their struggle. In the end, I think both parties benefited from the communication, but at the end of the day, I would have less of the good, happy emotion left to spend with my family.
When I made the commitment to neglect myself of facebook, I thought that would solve the problem. I think Aaron even went along with my theory for a while. It didn't. I have lived in Woodville 96% of my life. I have connections to every person in town and not by the six degrees of separation, but by one and at the greatest two degrees. I can't get away from my need to help those in need, I just find other ways to find the people in need, or they find me.
Giving up facebook cannot restore my emotional health! I don't know why I thought it could! (and no, don't get excited, I'm not coming back until Easter;)) However, my next, on a whim, decision to join a lent book club the day it started, could! Joining this small group of other "Martha's", other people that are normally "in the kitchen", has renewed my emotional spirit. I have to be accountable to them each week and prepare myself for our reflection time. I have to read the Bible verses and think about the challenge questions so that I can participate in the group. I have to spend time with God and I have realized that is the only way to restore my emotional spirit.
Last week our discussion was focused on times we have been in the wilderness, the deep, dark times where tempters like to come in. I spent time thinking of times I have been in the wilderness and how I was able to eventually find my way out. Some of the angels that I identified during times of my wilderness stay are family, friends, books, memories and God's love. Some of the beasts that we came up with were doubt, confusion, fear, exhaustion, depression and many, many more. When you are in the wilderness the beasts seem to bread like crazy and the angels can often seem few and far between.
I extended an invitation to a friend from college, someone that doesn't fall into the one degree of separation category! I haven't had time to spend with her recently and she is one of my friends that is always "all in". She is one of the first people to call if they hear I am not doing well, first to respond that she would love to celebrate a special occasion, there to listen if I simply want to complain the entire half hour drive home (and laugh at my too critical and too expecting outlook). Unlike the majority of my friends I have not known her since kindergarten, but no matter how many months go by without talking we can pick up right where we left off.
She texted me back that she could not meet me at the square dance. She can't meet me at the square dance because she has thyroid cancer. The first step of the treatment plan is to remove part of her thyroid (and biopsy the other part in hopes to save part of the gland). If the biopsy comes back clean they will leave part of her thyroid gland and monitor regularly. If it comes back irregular she will have to have another surgery to remove the other part of the gland. After she heals from this surgery(ies) she will receive radiation medicine to hopefully take care of the rest of the stupid cancer cells. My response to her: F THAT!!!!! Seriously, that was my first response. In the same text was also: What's the treatment plan? Do you want to talk? And I love you...but my first response was F That. I am so over cancer right now! I wanted to throw my phone!
My friend is not even 30 yet. She is supposed to be looking forward to wrapping up her school year so that she can play all summer with her little man that is only a couple years old and cook out with her wonderful husband. She is supposed to be shopping for her trip to Las Vegas with 7 other young women. Now she has to have a fairly major operation, radiation and hormone therapy forever. NOT FAIR!
I still want to throw something, but I know that it is not going to help. What will help my friend are all the things that I have been learning in the past week and will continue to learn in the weeks to come. Since I am more able to identify the beasts and more aware of their presence, I can be quicker to throw them out (instead of my phone)! I am more able to invite the angels in and they can help defend against the beasts. I will find my way to the light much easier and quicker with the angels by my side.
I can't wait until I get to go see my beautiful friend, Julie Ann, so that I can cry with her and be mad with her, but most importantly so that I can help her identify some of her angels and beasts. I am so thankful that I took the time out of my day on Ash Wednesday to be like "Mary", pray and listen to God. That I took the time to listen to him speak to me and tell me to learn more about Him because He is the one that can restore my spirit. Happy to that I feel renewed, whole and ready to help my friend fight away her beasts! This type of cancer has very favorable odds with early detection and treatment...hopefully the next time I get the cancer news my first response will be "God loves you, is with you and will help you get out of the wilderness. I will too!"
Please pray for my friend. For her strength, for her faith, for her family, for her to feel God's love. And yes, Jess, A prayer for a cure for cancer too!!!
First surgery (and biopsy collection) complete (3/23/11)and awake in recovery room via Andrea. Wait, hope and pray for good biopsy of the other part of the gland. Hope and pray for a quick recovery and minimal side effects from the radiation medicine.
UPDATE: Starts her raditation today (5/3). She can not be around anyone for 3 days and anyone under 12 for an additional 7...this includes her handsome young toddler. Gets a scan (5/12) to make sure the stupid c-word isn't anywhere else in her way too young for c-word body. Prayers, please.
Rough morning
Seeing my uncle two days in a row...and him repeatedly telling me how much I'm like my Dad (impatient, too expecting, grumpy when I'm hungry...were the three that reminded him during our visits) has made it a rather difficult morning. The mood I'm in this morning has me reading my favorite blog post ever.
Thanks Lis.
When I read it I feel all the things she puts into words over again, but at the end I smile and think of the next time we'll get to pass the milk together. Hopefully soon when my cousins from Cali come:)
Miss you Dad.
Julie's surgery is today...prayers for successful removal of the yucky C word.
Thanks Lis.
When I read it I feel all the things she puts into words over again, but at the end I smile and think of the next time we'll get to pass the milk together. Hopefully soon when my cousins from Cali come:)
Miss you Dad.
Julie's surgery is today...prayers for successful removal of the yucky C word.
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