Two Years!

THANK you, from the very bottom of my broken heart!

Without the

Overwhelming support from all of

YOU,

Everything

About the last two years

Really would have

Sucked much worse.

 

I received many texts, emails, and calls from my caring friends this month.  The most recent text read: "I love you Laura Leigh!  A little extra in October!", but each one of the messages made me smile.  Each call and every message made me feel a little less alone in my struggle with October.  I cannot thank you all enough for all of the love and support that was lended to me when I needed it.

You can have it all back now. 

I'm ok.  I'm not bitter.  I'm not angry.  I no longer think of my Dad dying as a punishment of some sort.

When I think of him now, the majority of the memories bring a smile to my face.  The memories of his final days have slowly been replaced with loving moments that happened during the slow demise of my hero in his earthly form.  My biggest struggle now is witnessing my Mom when she's unable to mask her pain.  When I pull in my Uncle's driveway, I anxiously await my huge embrace, but it doesn't take my breath away anymore.  We both miss his fiesty, know it all, arguments, but we made it through the pain and didn't let it make us bitter.

I catch my breath more quickly these days.  I am a stronger person now than I was two years ago and even a year ago.  I know my Dad smiles down on me often. 

I still miss him.  I always will.  But, I don't need your strength anymore.  It's time to give someone else the space you've been holding for me.   Thank you so very much for lending it to me.  You will never know how much you all mean to me!


Hey Dad,

Some of things you might have missed when you're busy eating cake saturated in heavenly milk:

Coffee stained teeth...I am coffee drinker in my old age. Sandals until it snows...Keegan's going to be just like you. Pass the milk...we try to stop by and keep in contact when life allows us to. Eat the cream corn...Aaron does his best to make me eat my gross veggies. Don't forget your mom's birthday...I don't.

The blue, blue eyes that you passed to your most stubborn grandchild doesn't stop me from wanting to beat him when he's rotten.  He is enjoying preschool, all of his girlfriends, and whines a lot. He asks about you often. Sometimes dying in general, sometimes he tests his reasoning skills and attempts to connect how you are related to all of us. It's hard for Mom to answer all of his "Why's".

Say/do things without thinking of the consequence, apologize later...Camille MUST have inherited this from you, certainly not me!  She loves soccer, she even claims to be the best on her team.  She cares for her babies like they're real, she's an early riser, and she hates to leave my side.   She asks about you most of the time when she's tired and randomly remembers things about you that I'm completely shocked by.

Mr. Ugly Bear sleeps with Lilly every night, but she's more of a quiet comfort person already.  She rarely brings up the missing/confusing feelings of loss, but jumps up to hug Keegan when he tells us that he's sad and missing you.   She is empathetic and loving and giggly and fun and crazy and has fun doing any activity.  She looks just like me.
 

Sometimes life isn't fair, live it anyways...we are doing our best. 

Please know that on your angelversary I will be busy during the church service. The demands of the children under my supervision might be enough distraction that I'll be able to hold back the tears.  Even if  I'm able to maintain a steady breath and keep the tears behind the wall, I will still be missing you. I will also be thankful that you can breathe easy again.

Sometimes I can't believe it has ALREADY been two years.  Sometimes I can't believe it's ONLY been two years. 

Always, I wish I could pick up the phone one more time and hear your voice.  Always, when I smell a man wearing Obsession cologne, I look around as if you'll miraculously be there. Always, I wish I could watch you read to the kids one more time, even if you did mix up the words.  Always, I wish Lilly could throw up on you again.  Always, I wish you could sit in my backyard on my glider and watch them run and play and swing and shine bright like the sun, right next to me, watching proudly.  Always, I love you. Always, I miss you. 

Lots less tears, lots more smiles, lots and lots of love,

Laura Leigh

Oh, my babies have grown so much in two years, it's just crazy! They miss you too!

 

 

 

 

One Shelf at a Time: Busy Mom Against the World

Nope, still no Excel spreadsheet of our meals for the month, SDD!  Maybe if I was able to make more than mac and cheese I would pump your spreadsheet, but even if I promote your spreadsheet everyone will know that I don't actually use it;)

HOW TO SCHEDULE IN ONE-ON-ONE TIME:
One day a week (or more if you're an overachiever), wake one of your monsters up before the busyness of the day begins.  Lay in bed with them and hug them awake.  Ask them if they had any dreams, what they want in their lunch, if they could be any animal in the world, what would it be?  My monsters love it when I do this and Camille is about 10,000 easier to deal with in the morning when I wake her up this way!  Makes them feel special and loved and it only takes a few minutes.

ON ORGANIZATION:
Pack everything that doesn't need to be cold in the monsters lunch the night before.  This way you aren't tripping over them, trying to feed them breakfast, brush hair and teeth, put on shoes AND pack their lunches.  I try to do this, but it doesn't always happen.  I always mentally kick myself when I don't and I'm scrambling to pack lunches!


ON GETTING THINGS DONE:
Who really has time to clean the refrigerator out?  Nobody!  I read this little tip in a magazine a long time ago, but only started using it more recently...and it works! Rather than taking the time to clean the entire fridge at once, clean one shelf at a time.  I do it when I notice that a shelf is particularly empty.  I move the remaining items to another shelf and only wash the empty shelf.  I try to rotate the shelf that I clean each time.  Works in any cupboard/cabinet too!

Warning: sometimes it results in cleaning the entire refrigerator when you notice how dirty ALL of the shelves are.

HOW TO BE ON TIME:
When you're counting on your significant other to pull their weight in the process of getting out the door, be specific!!  Sometimes men don't mean to useless.  Sometimes they are oblivious to the fact that you need assistance.  Sometimes they are useless;)

This weekend we wanted to fit a lot of activities in on our mini vacation.  On Saturday we had a beautiful wedding to attend, but we wanted to hit the outlets, putt putt, play some games, put an advice tree together, swim AND eat before we started the wedding festivities.  Yet, it was important to leave on time because I was in the wedding.  In order to fit everything in, everyone had to pull their weight.  When I needed help getting the monsters dressed or needed them to leave the room while I put things together for the wedding, I asked for help-WITH SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS.  "Hey, would you mind drying Keegan off and helping him get dressed?"  This task is a little more difficult (and sometimes even with specific instructions, men struggle) when you stay up way too late and need to wake up your husband..."Hey, would you mind waking up because we need to pack, eat and leave in time for you to make it to work" sometimes doesn't work.   Sometimes you have to resort to annoying levels to accomplish the goal of timeliness. (Like waking up, putting on his shoes, and dragging him out of bed in order to make it in time). You know, whatever works;)

(Not my refrigerator...mine isn't this clean;))

First post in this series:
http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/09/busy-mom-conquers-world-1.html

When I'm not "ON"

When I'm not "on" everyone reacts to the negative energy.  By "on" I don't mean smiling, sunshine-y, pooping rainbows (because that doesn't happen all that often), but EVERYONE can tell by a simple glance what kind of mood I'm in.  And, as people have pointed out on several occasions, it sets the mood for others.  When I'm being impossible, I make it impossible for everyone else.  When I'm throwing up skittles, it's hard not to be happy with me.

Since I'm aware that my mood has a direct effect on the moods of the people around me, I try to maintain a positive outlook when I'm in public.  Actually, at home I'm the one that is generally bringing the positive energy, too.  Sometimes it can be exhausting.  Today I worked a long day at the office.   As I walked into the madness of preparing three monsters for a soccer game after rushing them to gymnastics and trying to force food down their throats, I maintained a happy disposition.  I asked my partner what was bothering him, since obviously by his disposition, he was frustrated...

He went on to tell me that the kids walked in, dropped everything where they were at, Keegan had an accident, and thanked me for leaving my coffee mugs in my bag for who knows how long. 

I tried to laugh it off.  I asked him if he ever left anything lay around the house?  I asked him if he ever left a project unfinished? I attempted to lift his spirits with joking and poking fun.

He responded that he wasn't in the mood for my playful banter and to just leave him alone. 

Then, I let his negative mood bring me down.  I shut down; went silent.  The off switch isn't my most attractive feature.  We drove to the game in silence.  I put on my happy face while 10 monsters jumped all over me and I tickled and twirled and fixed hair and hugged them.  After the game though, we drove home without words. I turned off again.

I washed and packed and he washed and packed, separately.  I put my 15 pairs of shoes in the proper spot in the correct closet.  I went on a hunt for any and all remaining coffee mugs in the car and washed them out without speaking a word. (I did refrain from a sarcastic remark like: "There, are you happy now?  All of my shit is put away.  Someday maybe I can be perfect like you!!" A couple years ago I would have said it;))

But before I turned in for bed, I asked him to please think about this next time he shrugs me off because I'm a slob and he's not in the mood to tolerate me: Hmmm, that's her Sunday School bag.  She did get all of the kids fed and out the door for 9am Sunday School and attended church while I slept in. As soon as she walked in the door from church I asked her to go to my parents. She set down her things, changed and went to my parents without even a sigh of exasperation even though she had yet to sit down at her house all weekend.  Maybe, she didn't remember the coffee mugs were in her bag?  Maybe, just maybe, I should give her the benefit of the doubt?

Now he is playing video games, his release.  I am writing, my release.  Tomorrow all will be well with the world, but since this is my only time to write this week I wanted to touch on how to stay positive.

Be aware that your mood effects those around you.  Try not to feed the negative energy, but instead bundle the negative energy up and toss it in the garbage.  If instead of shutting down, I would have walked away, wrapped the negativity up and tossed it in the garbage before I hopped in the van, I could have reminded him that I'm human and I'm sorry that I left the coffee cups in the Sunday School bag.  Most likely he would have responded calmly and lovingly to this approach and the remainder of the evening would have went much differently. 

Even when you're not "on", try to stay calm and positive...Live and Learn, I suppose.

What I look like when I'm not "on".

 

Believe Even When

 

For a couple months now Pastor Jen has been attempting to persuade me to attend a workshop.  She claimed that I would love it.   I successfully avoided her the first few times she mentioned it.   Finally, after she granted me permission to sneak out if I was not enjoying the message and the music, I agreed to attend.

Seven hours of "workshop", a choir concert, and a beautiful church service later, I'm still listening to music written by Mark Miller.  Pastor Jen-1, Laura-0

During the workshop, Mark told personal stories about the music and offered insight on how to teach, with passion, about God. He taught us about the power of silence, how to laugh at ourselves and much, much more.   I enjoyed the music, the wisdom, the honesty, the fellowship...everything.  Yet, I can also state without hesitation, that this song was the most powerful part of the weekend for me. 

Believing even during the "why's". Believing when it would be easier to turn away. Believing in the sun even when it's not shining.  Believing in love even when there's no one there.  Believing in God even when he's silent.


Can you imagine being a prisoner at a concentration camp and still believing; witnessing and suffering and fighting to stay alive and still believing?

Even when.

Believe.







Lyrics of "I Believe" originate from a poem written during WW2, on the wall of a cellar, by a Jew scratched on a wall in a concentration camp:

"I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love,
even when there's no one there.
And I believe in God,
even when he is silent.

I believe through any trial,
there is always a way
But sometimes in this suffering
and hopeless despair
My heart cries for shelter,
to know someone's there
But a voice rises within me, saying hold on
my child, I'll give you strength,
I'll give you hope. Just stay a little while.

I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love
even when there's no one there
But I believe in God
even when he is silent

I believe through any trial
there is always a way.
May there someday be sunshine
May there someday be happiness
May there someday be love
May there someday be peace...."
- Unknown

 

Source: spirituallythinking.blogspot.com via Pat on Pinterest

Conversations with Crackheads: Bootie-ful Rainbows

My post to FB: So, I'm not going to put a thousand hearts because that backfired on me, but seriously, it's going to be a good day. I decided this morning I was going to wear my new (Amy's old) favorite jeans and my new (actually new, but bought using DSW rewards for $32!!) booties. I was already in a good mood (because who doesn't like to wear new shoes-duh), but then I stopped to get some things from Meijer and witnessed the most beautiful rainbow. It followed me all the way into work. From the bridge I could see the entire rainbow in all of its glory. He was lighting my path for me and I followed in awe. Happy Friday:)

M:What the @$*% did you smoke this morning & can I have some???

Me: Nothing, I'm just bursting with optimism today!

M: I can just picture you skipping around the office looking like Lilly!

Me: LOL...I totally am!! How'd ya know!?

M: I just threw up in my mouth a little!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

M: G is still sick & I can barely walk , and I got rained on...NOT a happy camper!

Me: :( Boo!! God loves you! I do too!

M: OMG!

Me: I am dying laughing right now:)  Anything I can do to make it better?

M: Deliver my food for work and rub my hip.

Me: Look out your window and enjoy the colors of the season, my beautiful, young friend! 

M: No response...BUT I'm positive she is thinking: Call me when you return to your normal state...I can't handle butterflies and rainbows Laura!!!

Conversations with Crackheads: Bootie-ful Rainbows

Bootieful rainbow booties

 



 Bootieful Crackhead Bootie

(True Crackheads jump off 30 foot swings, wait months before getting the damages assessed and then bling out their booties when the doctor reads they tore parts of their ankle!)

On Friendship...when to throw in the towel

Once upon a time there was a young girl that thought she knew everything.  When she didn't do the right thing, she would justify her poor behavior by blaming someone else or rationalizing the situation in her head. 

One day, one of her best friends called her out on her poor behavior.  With her youthful, know it all attitude, she told her friend that no matter what, she expected her to be on her side. Obviously (when the young girl assumed she was the center of the universe), drawing attention to her crapilicious ways was not being on her side.

Rather than face the problem, or heaven forbid change her crapilicious ways, she decided the best route was to put space in the friendship.  Her friend picked her side when she asked the young girl to face the situation.  It didn't matter if her friend was right.  When she asked the young girl to come clean, she picked her side.  Although the young girl never completely lost contact with her friend, she blamed her for the pickle she was in (even though it was her own poor behavior that landed her in the hot seat) and distanced herself from the friendship.

Since that time, the young girl has grown up (a little).  She apologized to her friend (that was actually forcing her to take the high road).  They are once again annoyingly fun and funny and cool and hang out whenever life allows them time to see each other.

(I was the young, immature girl in the story above;))

Now, when people ask for advice on friendship, I can say from experience that this is my truth about true friendship, or as I call them, forever friends.  It may only be my truth, but this is my blog.  Take it or leave it!

I've been asked quite a few times whether or not it's the right decision to "let the friendship go"?  If one friend seems to be putting in all of the effort and the other isn't reciprocating, it can be draining to the the friend that is putting forth all of the effort.  Why aren't they returning my calls?  Don't they care about me as much as I care about them?  If they are too busy to call, I don't need them. Are they actually mad at me for saying or doing that?

My first response is usually something like this...All of my friends know that if they actually NEED me, all they have to do is call and say that they need me.  I can tell in the tone of my friend's voice or by a few typed words, when a friend actually NEEDS me.  It's much different than, "Hey, just calling to check in" messages...those sometimes take weeks to return;)  But "Hey, I need you messages" are returned immediately.   Be clear if you need your friend.  If they just think you want to chat, when really you need them to listen or cry with, it might just be that you're not communicating well enough.

If you tell them that you're really at a rough spot and you could use their support or guidance and they still don't respond, then I wouldn't push the issue.  Sometimes a little space is good for friendship.  Maybe one of you will realize that "hmmm, maybe, just maybe, this time I was wrong"?   Possibly, when you finally have time to chat, you'll hear that your friend just couldn't possible handle one more thing on their plate at the second that you called?  Perhaps they truly are that busy OR maybe they too are struggling to stay above water?  Could it be that God is pushing you to open your heart up to a new friend?

Whatever the reason that you feel let down, I find it hard to simply cut your loss.   Mostly because I don't want to imagine my life without my friends in it.  If they would have decided that it was easier to cut me out of their lives when I was being crapilicious, my life wouldn't be as full.  I wouldn't have felt what it feels like to be forgiven.  I wouldn't offer forgiveness as often as I do.  I would be missing out on their friendship and love.

Another one of my forever friends doesn't accept many of my invitations.  She doesn't call when she comes to town.  Even after I've told her that I will always make my best attempt to see her whenever she calls.  Her parents tell me to keep inviting her;)  But when my Dad died, when I needed all of my people, she was there.  She didn't hesitate to make the trip home, she was there. 

 

Be patient. Be forgiving. Accept forgiveness. 

Be the kind of friend you want to have.

True friends will be there when you need them.