I think it's normal to evaluate your life every so often. In the workforce you have annual performance reviews, some people work for their bonus, children receive grades for their effort at school, when you play a game you either win or lose.
Maybe it's because I recently turned 30 and I have been stuck on "Don't close your eyes, this is your life" for a few weeks now. Maybe it's because I've been listening to Lily Allen this week and she has a song about turning 30 and it says "It's sad but it's true how society says her life is already over". It could be because a friend is struggling with lack of satisfaction as they reflect on where they are at right now. It's possible that I am just tired from lack of sleep!
I think when you are evaluating your life, there are always going to be areas that are less than satisfactory. Sometimes I think the fear of not being good enough keeps you driven. Always wanting more isn't necessarily a bad thing.
I imagine that everyone struggles with their own why's. Everyone struggles with the fear that they may never get whatever it is that they want in life, that they will die before they get to where they want to be, that they will never be satisfied with what they have...etc. etc. etc!!
This month I want to look good for a wedding. There will not be anyone that I want/need to impress. I'm not obsessed with my outside appearance. I don't even own a scale! But I set my mind on shedding an inch or two and now I'm working my butt off to get it. I evaluated my eating habits and motivation to exercise and lately I have been less than satisfactory in this area, so I'm working on it! The fear of not looking my best isn't hurting anyone...well unless it's hurting me due to sleep deprivation. (I highly despise the 5 o'clock am hour!)
Be sure when you are evaluating you are using apples to apples! Are you making changes for the right reasons? It's easy to look at someone else and think "Why can't I have that?" or "All I want is _________. Why can't I have it?" or simply "Why am I not happy?" Are you comparing things to other people out of jealousy, envy or resentment? Are you evaluating parts of your life because you simply want to do better and be better for yourself? I don't think you're being fair to yourself if you compare the things you want to others. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. You have no idea all the crazy thoughts that may be going on in someone elses head! They probably fear all of the same why's!
I live a wonderful, fun filled life. I have job and so does my husband. We are able to sufficiently provide for our family, etc. etc. etc. I try very hard to see the beauty around me and to live each day to the fullest! That does not mean that I live in sunshine and rainbow land! I fight with my husband. I get angry with my children. At the end of the week the laundry is often pilled to the ceiling. I do not like to visit the nursing home and haven't been there in a LONG time. I should make more of an effort to spend time with my family and friends. I often cry when I shouldn't and always when I don't want to be crying. I frequently fear not being good enough and have trouble defining what good enough is.
I assume that most people harbor many of the same fears, same doubts, same insecurities. When you don't know what is right and what's real anymore take a step back. First decide what you want. Is it forkloads of diamonds and fame? Is it stability, financially or emotionally? Do you want to shed a few inches? What do you want in life? Decide and wrestle with the fear. Then fight it or for it. Trust in whatever it is that you trust in. For me, it's God.
Psalm 56:3-4
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?
RIP Steve Jobs
"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."
– Stanford commencement speech 2005
It's 12:40am and sleep eludes me.
Is this where I want to be?
Everything is annoying.
Is this where I need to be?
I read your blog this afternoon and was thinking about what you said about evaluating your life. This is something I am doing almost constantly. The problem is you can very quickly get yourself into a state of discontent because there is always something you're not doing that you should be. It's also hard to know what to evaluate your life against. My dad always taught me to never get stuck, always adapt to whatever situation I'm in, I guess to use a football term "bob and weave" through whatever comes. That's difficult because you don't get to put down roots somewhere, and never feel content or settled-I guess to me that's the ultimate goal, don't you think? Raise healthy, happy, well-rounded christian children, be happy in your marriage, make your spouse happy in your marriage and spread love and good things wherever you can?
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