My children must have really missed me over the four day weekend. So far this week, I have well-behaved children with things spewing from their mouths that can't be taken as anything but compliments and maturity and reassurance that I'm doing ok as a mother. Syndi pointed out that I rarely talk about my children when we converse. Unless people ask about my monsters, I don't really talk about them, so I thought I'd share a few stories from this week.
Monday morning (after four days away):
Keegan (sitting on the stairs when I turned the corner): MOMMA!!!!
Me (scooping up the cutest little boy EVER): Hey, bud, did you miss me?
Keegs: So so much, can I have 5 butterfly kisses?
I start to give them to him on his cheek.
Keegs: No, Mom, on MINE neck.
(WONDERFUL, he already likes his neck kissed, we're in for some trouble! I give him a few butterfly kisses on his neck)
Keegs: That was not 5, Momma. I can count to 10 now, you know? And that was only 3.
Me: Sorry, Bud, here you go.
Keegs: Ok, now a bear hug. A polar bear one.
Me: I love you.
Keegs: I love you, too.
Tuesday before we went to church to watch the "Hot Flashes":
Cami: Mom, you don't look like other Moms.
Me (thinking to myself, should I even ask??): Why Cam? What do you mean?
Cami: Because you look like a kid!
Me: Like I could be in your class?
Lilly: No, Mom, like you are in college. (With an eye roll, like I so should have known what they were talking about!!)
Me: Oh, girls, you're the best!
(Especially since I have not purchased any makeup yet and in reality I look tired and gross. I, at the very least, need some mascara and eyeliner to hold me over until Syndi returns my personal belongings!) **I did break down and get mascara and eyeliner Wednesday night (promptly after hanging up with Syn and her stating that she would not be able to send my makeup until Saturday)...I was prepared for a week of no makeup...NOT TWO!
Wednesday night when I asked Lilly if she wanted to be a part of a group:
Lilly: I don't think so Mom, I'm already gone an awful lot with all of my other activities.
Me: Well, Lil, I think you would really like it. You know how you like to do projects, that's kind of what this is.
Lil: What day of the week is it? Will it mess up one of the things I'm already in?
Me: Friday right after school. No, you can still do everything else.
Lil: Who is in it?
Me: Does it matter?
Lil: I guess not. What if I don't like it? You already told me that I can't quit things in the middle, how long does it last?
Me: The school year. If you don't like it, you don't have to do it next year.
Lil: Do you think my Dad will care?
Me: No, babe, this is something Dad will like...not like cheerleading;)
Lil: Ok, does it start this week?
Me: No, next week. Do you want to try it?
Lil: Yes, I want to do it (with a hug). Now can you tell me who is in it?
Me: Sure...X, Y, Z, W, L, K, J
Lil: YAY!! I like X and Y and I know Z and W from here. I don't know L, K, or J, but I'm sure they will be nice, too.
She never ceases to amaze me. I wish I could be as open to change and the unknown as she is!
I picked a happy story for each child for this post...there are 100 others that I could tell just this week. I love being a mother. Even though I refer to them as monsters, even when they spill their milk two nights in a row at dinner, even when they have accidents at school, even when I would rather not change the sheets in the middle of the night, even when they throw tantrums at the most inconvenient time. Even then.
On to my non-children Friday Fun, that I really did intend to make more fun as the week started, seriously!
Whoever put the sign in my refrigerator, again a great great big thank you. It was so very thoughtful (AND ANNOYING BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW WHO DID IT!!!)! THANK YOU:) And I love it and can't decide where I want to put it. I want to put it next to the fridge, but not until we finish the garage in like 10 years...I'm thinking by the front door. I already warned Aaron another hole will be magically appearing:)
God must know what I need:)
I haven't seen Syn in a year and the weekend with her and my friends, both new and old, was PERFECT. I left the vacation feeling renewed and ready to concur the world. Even with the date, the time of year and my Dad heavy in my thoughts, I was calm and peaceful and loving.
Last night, I checked in with a friend that I had been waiting to hear from all day. Of course I was assuming the worst when they had not checked in. The news was not good. I felt like the feelings of calm and peace that were achieved over the weekend were now crashing down on me, like it was a false sense of high. I felt like I was a teeny tiny jelly fish and the waves were crashing and banging me in all directions, taking with them the calm and peaceful and loving feelings as I splattered to the shore.
Honestly, I had a melt down. For me a melt down is sitting in a dark room and existing. Most of the time I don't cry, I just sit there in the dark. Aaron checked on me frequently to make sure he didn't have to take me to the nuthouse. I sat and felt the numbness; the disbelief. I patiently waited for the numbness to fade; for the waves to stop crashing. As I washed up to shore I realized I couldn't stay on the beach for too long. I would dry out and die and the other jellyfish need me to fight. I had to get back into that freezing cold water with the waves crashing over my head. I know that eventually the water will calm; I'll be able to float on my back and relax again. I convinced myself not to dry out this time, not to lose faith. I jumped back in to the ocean...I'm learning to ride the waves!
After a little while I turned on my music. I was looking for the perfect song to make me feel better. Last night it was Sufjan. I went and sat with my husband and thought about the swans, the signs, the love and hope, it's all around me.
http://youtu.be/99TCWaHmWKc
I have an abundance of Swans flying over me. Lots of signs to see each and every day. I can see them more clearly when I'm riding on the waves rather than letting them spin me around. When something dreadful happens it is so easy to concentrate all of your energy on it, the horns aren't easy to defeat, even if they are disguised as waves in the beautiful ocean. All of the conditioning I have been doing, all of the practice I have had, all of the praying I have been focused on, you would think I would be better at recommitting to faith. It's difficult to change the focus back to love and hope and faith when something bad happens, but I am getting better with practice!
I hope my friends that are in the wilderness right now know that they have oodles of Swans looking after them, too. An unlimited supply of beautiful, amazing signs to see each and every day. Even though it takes practice to see the swans and signs through a difficult diagnosis, side effects of medication, medical testing, job lose, nightmares, broken friendships, they are there; He is there. Practice and you will see them more and more, often when you least expect them and ALWAYS when you NEED them!
I am at my best when I am with those who truly know me...and love me despite that fact. God knows my heart; He knows what I need this month to make it. Last weekend couldn't have been more perfectly timed. Laura's coming to town all weekend and Jess is coming Sunday. We get to dress up and pretend we are someone else with great friends for Halloween. Aaron surprised me with a quick trip away from everything, just our little family, deep in the wilderness. This month, when I couldn't have used it more, I get to see nearly all of my friends and spend time with my loved ones...even most of the ones that live miles away!
Look for the swans, breathe in the signs, feel them and let them fill you up and restore your spirit. They are all around you, open your eyes! Praying that everyone else that desperately needs a sign, will see them, too!
Ride the waves...they're pretty gnarly, but have faith, you can do it!
Monday morning (after four days away):
Keegan (sitting on the stairs when I turned the corner): MOMMA!!!!
Me (scooping up the cutest little boy EVER): Hey, bud, did you miss me?
Keegs: So so much, can I have 5 butterfly kisses?
I start to give them to him on his cheek.
Keegs: No, Mom, on MINE neck.
(WONDERFUL, he already likes his neck kissed, we're in for some trouble! I give him a few butterfly kisses on his neck)
Keegs: That was not 5, Momma. I can count to 10 now, you know? And that was only 3.
Me: Sorry, Bud, here you go.
Keegs: Ok, now a bear hug. A polar bear one.
Me: I love you.
Keegs: I love you, too.
Tuesday before we went to church to watch the "Hot Flashes":
Cami: Mom, you don't look like other Moms.
Me (thinking to myself, should I even ask??): Why Cam? What do you mean?
Cami: Because you look like a kid!
Me: Like I could be in your class?
Lilly: No, Mom, like you are in college. (With an eye roll, like I so should have known what they were talking about!!)
Me: Oh, girls, you're the best!
(Especially since I have not purchased any makeup yet and in reality I look tired and gross. I, at the very least, need some mascara and eyeliner to hold me over until Syndi returns my personal belongings!) **I did break down and get mascara and eyeliner Wednesday night (promptly after hanging up with Syn and her stating that she would not be able to send my makeup until Saturday)...I was prepared for a week of no makeup...NOT TWO!
Wednesday night when I asked Lilly if she wanted to be a part of a group:
Lilly: I don't think so Mom, I'm already gone an awful lot with all of my other activities.
Me: Well, Lil, I think you would really like it. You know how you like to do projects, that's kind of what this is.
Lil: What day of the week is it? Will it mess up one of the things I'm already in?
Me: Friday right after school. No, you can still do everything else.
Lil: Who is in it?
Me: Does it matter?
Lil: I guess not. What if I don't like it? You already told me that I can't quit things in the middle, how long does it last?
Me: The school year. If you don't like it, you don't have to do it next year.
Lil: Do you think my Dad will care?
Me: No, babe, this is something Dad will like...not like cheerleading;)
Lil: Ok, does it start this week?
Me: No, next week. Do you want to try it?
Lil: Yes, I want to do it (with a hug). Now can you tell me who is in it?
Me: Sure...X, Y, Z, W, L, K, J
Lil: YAY!! I like X and Y and I know Z and W from here. I don't know L, K, or J, but I'm sure they will be nice, too.
She never ceases to amaze me. I wish I could be as open to change and the unknown as she is!
I picked a happy story for each child for this post...there are 100 others that I could tell just this week. I love being a mother. Even though I refer to them as monsters, even when they spill their milk two nights in a row at dinner, even when they have accidents at school, even when I would rather not change the sheets in the middle of the night, even when they throw tantrums at the most inconvenient time. Even then.
On to my non-children Friday Fun, that I really did intend to make more fun as the week started, seriously!
Whoever put the sign in my refrigerator, again a great great big thank you. It was so very thoughtful (AND ANNOYING BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW WHO DID IT!!!)! THANK YOU:) And I love it and can't decide where I want to put it. I want to put it next to the fridge, but not until we finish the garage in like 10 years...I'm thinking by the front door. I already warned Aaron another hole will be magically appearing:)
God must know what I need:)
I haven't seen Syn in a year and the weekend with her and my friends, both new and old, was PERFECT. I left the vacation feeling renewed and ready to concur the world. Even with the date, the time of year and my Dad heavy in my thoughts, I was calm and peaceful and loving.
Last night, I checked in with a friend that I had been waiting to hear from all day. Of course I was assuming the worst when they had not checked in. The news was not good. I felt like the feelings of calm and peace that were achieved over the weekend were now crashing down on me, like it was a false sense of high. I felt like I was a teeny tiny jelly fish and the waves were crashing and banging me in all directions, taking with them the calm and peaceful and loving feelings as I splattered to the shore.
Honestly, I had a melt down. For me a melt down is sitting in a dark room and existing. Most of the time I don't cry, I just sit there in the dark. Aaron checked on me frequently to make sure he didn't have to take me to the nuthouse. I sat and felt the numbness; the disbelief. I patiently waited for the numbness to fade; for the waves to stop crashing. As I washed up to shore I realized I couldn't stay on the beach for too long. I would dry out and die and the other jellyfish need me to fight. I had to get back into that freezing cold water with the waves crashing over my head. I know that eventually the water will calm; I'll be able to float on my back and relax again. I convinced myself not to dry out this time, not to lose faith. I jumped back in to the ocean...I'm learning to ride the waves!
After a little while I turned on my music. I was looking for the perfect song to make me feel better. Last night it was Sufjan. I went and sat with my husband and thought about the swans, the signs, the love and hope, it's all around me.
http://youtu.be/99TCWaHmWKc
I have an abundance of Swans flying over me. Lots of signs to see each and every day. I can see them more clearly when I'm riding on the waves rather than letting them spin me around. When something dreadful happens it is so easy to concentrate all of your energy on it, the horns aren't easy to defeat, even if they are disguised as waves in the beautiful ocean. All of the conditioning I have been doing, all of the practice I have had, all of the praying I have been focused on, you would think I would be better at recommitting to faith. It's difficult to change the focus back to love and hope and faith when something bad happens, but I am getting better with practice!
I hope my friends that are in the wilderness right now know that they have oodles of Swans looking after them, too. An unlimited supply of beautiful, amazing signs to see each and every day. Even though it takes practice to see the swans and signs through a difficult diagnosis, side effects of medication, medical testing, job lose, nightmares, broken friendships, they are there; He is there. Practice and you will see them more and more, often when you least expect them and ALWAYS when you NEED them!
I am at my best when I am with those who truly know me...and love me despite that fact. God knows my heart; He knows what I need this month to make it. Last weekend couldn't have been more perfectly timed. Laura's coming to town all weekend and Jess is coming Sunday. We get to dress up and pretend we are someone else with great friends for Halloween. Aaron surprised me with a quick trip away from everything, just our little family, deep in the wilderness. This month, when I couldn't have used it more, I get to see nearly all of my friends and spend time with my loved ones...even most of the ones that live miles away!
Look for the swans, breathe in the signs, feel them and let them fill you up and restore your spirit. They are all around you, open your eyes! Praying that everyone else that desperately needs a sign, will see them, too!
Ride the waves...they're pretty gnarly, but have faith, you can do it!
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