Friday's Friendly Fun: Random

My children must have really missed me over the four day weekend.  So far this week, I have well-behaved children with things spewing from their mouths that can't be taken as anything but compliments and maturity and reassurance that I'm doing ok as a mother. Syndi pointed out that I rarely talk about my children when we converse.  Unless people ask about my monsters, I don't really talk about them, so I thought I'd share a few stories from this week.

Monday morning (after four days away):

Keegan (sitting on the stairs when I turned the corner): MOMMA!!!!
Me (scooping up the cutest little boy EVER): Hey, bud, did you miss me?
Keegs: So so much, can I have 5 butterfly kisses?
I start to give them to him on his cheek.
Keegs: No, Mom, on MINE neck.
(WONDERFUL, he already likes his neck kissed, we're in for some trouble! I give him a few butterfly kisses on his neck)
Keegs: That was not 5, Momma.  I can count to 10 now, you know?  And that was only 3.
Me: Sorry, Bud, here you go.
Keegs: Ok, now a bear hug.  A polar bear one.
Me: I love you.
Keegs: I love you, too.

Tuesday before we went to church to watch the "Hot Flashes":

Cami: Mom, you don't look like other Moms.
Me (thinking to myself, should I even ask??): Why Cam? What do you mean?
Cami: Because you look like a kid!
Me: Like I could be in your class?
Lilly: No, Mom, like you are in college. (With an eye roll, like I so should have known what they were talking about!!)
Me: Oh, girls, you're the best!

(Especially since I have not purchased any makeup yet and in reality I look tired and gross.  I, at the very least, need some mascara and eyeliner to hold me over until Syndi returns my personal belongings!)  **I did break down and get mascara and eyeliner Wednesday night (promptly after hanging up with Syn and her stating that she would not be able to send my makeup until Saturday)...I was prepared for a week of no makeup...NOT TWO!

Wednesday night when I asked Lilly if she wanted to be a part of a group:

Lilly: I don't think so Mom, I'm already gone an awful lot with all of my other activities.
Me: Well, Lil, I think you would really like it.  You know how you like to do projects, that's kind of what this is.
Lil: What day of the week is it?  Will it mess up one of the things I'm already in?
Me: Friday right after school. No, you can still do everything else.
Lil: Who is in it?
Me: Does it matter?
Lil: I guess not.  What if I don't like it?  You already told me that I can't quit things in the middle, how long does it last?
Me: The school year.  If you don't like it, you don't have to do it next year.
Lil: Do you think my Dad will care?
Me: No, babe, this is something Dad will like...not like cheerleading;)
Lil: Ok, does it start this week? 
Me: No, next week.  Do you want to try it?
Lil: Yes, I want to do it (with a hug). Now can you tell me who is in it?
Me: Sure...X, Y, Z, W, L, K, J
Lil: YAY!! I like X and Y and I know Z and W from here.  I don't know L, K, or J, but I'm sure they will be nice, too.

She never ceases to amaze me.  I wish I could be as open to change and the unknown as she is!

I picked a happy story for each child for this post...there are 100 others that I could tell just this week.  I love being a mother.  Even though I refer to them as monsters, even when they spill their milk two nights in a row at dinner, even when they have accidents at school, even when I would rather not change the sheets in the middle of the night, even when they throw tantrums at the most inconvenient time.  Even then.

On to my non-children Friday Fun, that I really did intend to make more fun as the week started, seriously!

Whoever put the sign in my refrigerator, again a great great big thank you.  It was so very thoughtful (AND ANNOYING BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW WHO DID IT!!!)!  THANK YOU:)  And I love it and can't decide where I want to put it.  I want to put it next to the fridge, but not until we finish the garage in like 10 years...I'm thinking by the front door.  I already warned Aaron another hole will be magically appearing:)

God must know what I need:)

I haven't seen Syn in a year and the weekend with her and my friends, both new and old, was PERFECT. I left the vacation feeling renewed and ready to concur the world.  Even with the date, the time of year and my Dad heavy in my thoughts, I was calm and peaceful and loving.

Last night, I checked in with a friend that I had been waiting to hear from all day.  Of course I was assuming the worst when they had not checked in.  The news was not good.  I felt like the feelings of calm and peace that were achieved over the weekend were now crashing down on me, like it was a false sense of high.  I felt like I was a teeny tiny jelly fish and the waves were crashing and banging me in all directions, taking with them the calm and peaceful and loving feelings as I splattered to the shore.

Honestly, I had a melt down. For me a melt down is sitting in a dark room and existing. Most of the time I don't cry, I just sit there in the dark. Aaron checked on me frequently to make sure he didn't have to take me to the nuthouse.  I sat and felt the numbness; the disbelief. I patiently waited for the numbness to fade; for the waves to stop crashing.  As I washed up to shore I realized I couldn't stay on the beach for too long.  I would dry out and die and the other jellyfish need me to fight.  I had to get back into that freezing cold water with the waves crashing over my head.  I know that eventually the water will calm; I'll be able to float on my back and relax again.  I convinced myself not to dry out this time, not to lose faith. I jumped back in to the ocean...I'm learning to ride the waves!

After a little while I turned on my music.  I was looking for the perfect song to make me feel better.  Last night it was Sufjan. I went and sat with my husband and thought about the swans, the signs, the love and hope, it's all around me.

http://youtu.be/99TCWaHmWKc

I have an abundance of Swans flying over me. Lots of signs to see each and every day.  I can see them more clearly when I'm riding on the waves rather than letting them spin me around. When something dreadful happens it is so easy to concentrate all of your energy on it, the horns aren't easy to defeat, even if they are disguised as waves in the beautiful ocean.  All of the conditioning I have been doing, all of the practice I have had, all of the praying I have been focused on, you would think I would be better at recommitting to faith.  It's difficult to change the focus back to love and hope and faith when something bad happens, but I am getting better with practice!

I hope my friends that are in the wilderness right now know that they have oodles of Swans looking after them, too.  An unlimited supply of beautiful, amazing signs to see each and every day.  Even though it takes practice to see the swans and signs through a difficult diagnosis, side effects of medication, medical testing, job lose, nightmares, broken friendships, they are there; He is there.  Practice and you will see them more and more, often when you least expect them and ALWAYS when you NEED them!

I am at my best when I am with those who truly know me...and love me despite that fact.  God knows my heart; He knows what I need this month to make it. Last weekend couldn't have been more perfectly timed.  Laura's coming to town all weekend and Jess is coming Sunday.  We get to dress up and pretend we are someone else with great friends for Halloween.  Aaron surprised me with a quick trip away from everything, just our little family, deep in the wilderness.  This month, when I couldn't have used it more, I get to see nearly all of my friends and spend time with my loved ones...even most of the ones that live miles away!

Look for the swans, breathe in the signs, feel them and let them fill you up and restore your spirit.  They are all around you, open your eyes!  Praying that everyone else that desperately needs a sign, will see them, too!

Ride the waves...they're pretty gnarly, but have faith, you can do it!

"Take a 30-second vacation. Go within and focus on the positive, thereby creating an attitude built on strength, courage, and infinite possibilities." -Keith D Harrell

One Year Down

"The punctuation of anniversaries is terrible, like the closing of doors, one after another between you and what you want to hold on to."

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

 This quote is why I think death anniversaries are difficult.  You start to forget the way your loved one smelled; with out pulling out their cologne, perfume or deoderant to remind you.  You begin to forget the lines in their face or the expressions that you so often had to read because they weren't ready to express their feelings; without grabbing a photo.  The things that remind you of your loved one during the season of their death often elicits negative memories of each change in medicine, every turn for the worse; rather than a happy memory before they were ill. The doors seem to slam loudly and clammer in your head as the days that they were alive a year ago become fewer in your memory.  The date of their death closes in quickly and for my family the end wasn't sunshine and rainbows.

It stings to remember that time of my Dads life (and my life for that matter).  I went to a housewarming party a few weeks ago and missed the turn.  I ended up at River Road.  River Road when the colors were all changing and pumpkins were on porches.  The same River Road that I drove once, twice, three times a day last October.  It took all of my courage, all of my strength to turn around, wipe the tears and attend the party.  That reminder, one that I wasn't anticipating, brought back that feeling of not being able to catch my breath. 

Admittedly, the times that I feel like I have to gasp to breathe are becoming less frequent with each day.  I have learned to prepare for the reminders that will most certainly always trigger the feeling of loss. Some of the triggers I have even managed to tie a happy memory to it in my mind. For example when I think about the ill effects of brain tumors I try to remember the time that my Dad could not find his wallet.  He made me search EVERYWHERE!  It was in the refridgerator.  Because of little stories that I have attached to the not so perfect stories, I can often avoid the overflowing of tears if it is not convenient to let them fall.

I wasn't ready to think about Hospice when I noticed that I was at River Road.  Deep breath.

This weekend I talked to a bestie about the upcoming anniversary.  Her loved one has been gone for nearly four years and she still remembers what she was doing in the days and weeks before her Mom passed.  She still has that can't breathe feeling when she isn't expecting it. 

We met a young man this weekend that lost his Dad 18 years ago.  He still has triggers that make him soul search, make him gasp for air.

Anniversaries of death will always be a trigger. 

I think you can compare this trigger to 9/11.  Everyone knows where they were, who they were with, what they were doing and most importantly how it impacted thier lives.  It is not any different when you lose someone very dear to you.  You remember where you were standing when you received the call, who was with you and who you had to tell next.  Life seemed to stand still and it was blurry and confusing and overwhelming.

Did you know that Hospice sends the primary contact a card for the death anniversary?  Since the address listed with this service is ours, we still receive my moms mail from them.  The other day she opened it and it was a card that said on the front "On the anniversary of your loved ones death". To me this is strange!  I have read a few books on grief and often page through the mailings from Hospice and I suppose everyone remembers and acknowledges the day of death and the days and weeks leading up to that day, too.

But really, a card that says it right on the front?  Seems odd to me, but thoughtful in the same breath.  My friends have all asked how I'm doing this month.  They all remember approximately the time or even the exact day of my Dads death. I think the line or phrase I would suggest is something like:

I remember that your dad has been gone a year today (or soon, or this month-whatever day or week or month it is). (Personal memory if you have one.  Example: I cherish my memories of eating spaghetti with a houseful of my best friends once a week during basketball season.  Your mom always went to such an effort to make sure everyone was well fed and genuinely seemed happy to have 10 girls invade her house, burp loudly and be obnoxious.)If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. 

I don't know, something to that effect is what I think is the best way to approach the subject...if you feel compelled to say something. If you have a personal memory of the lost loved one I think that's a good time to share it, too.  (I DO NOT WANT EVERYONE POSTING COMMENTS ON FB-FYI) 

Anyways, this is my head today, a few days before the first year anniversary of death of my Dad.  I am doing ok.  I was able to enjoy a wonderful wedding weekend with my husband and some of my very best friends.  We have plans every night this week that the children are looking forward to.  I have a GREAT costume for our Halloween party.  I get to spend lots of quality time with my monsters and Aaron next week.  I'm breathing and smiling and laughing.  When I needed people to step up for me, they did.  Most will never fully understand how much they mean to me.

The first year is difficult, but I'm almost to the end and I know my Daddy would be proud:)

Just Breathe

http://youtu.be/kuq7RYQ8Wa0

Friday's Friendly Fun: Guest writter, Amanda

So, I've never had a guest blogger and I'm thinking this doesn't really count anyways because the message was not prepared to be posted on a blog.  The message was prepared to challenge the hearts and souls of our congregration and bring us closer to God through sharing our stories.  This message was delivered last Sunday by a friend brought to me by God.  I was introduced to her at a church luncheon, but had already had a few people chirping in my ears about how I was going to LOVE her well before we met in person.  They were all right!  Our husbands are freakishly similar.  Amanda smiles on bad days, she keeps her composure when everyone would understand if she lost it, she's a person that it seems like I have known forever, but in actuality I haven't even known her for a full calendar year...I am very proud to call her my friend to say the least:)  I am so very excited that I will soon get to play dress up and encourage cheerleading and hair pretties...since I am undoubtedly raising one, she might as well be too! 

My Sister in Christ, Amanda; one of Keegan's few boy friends, Griffin; and Hubby Wes

When Pastor Jen first asked me to stand up here to give a message and discuss my personal reflection of faith and how I give to God, I totally thought she had the wrong person.  I kept thinking….”who am I to stand up there in front of everyone and talk about faith?”  First of all, I have just begun to appreciate my relationship with the Lord and am so immature in my faith journey.  I cannot quote scripture and do not know the Bible well enough to speak on it with any sort of intellect.  What in the world, would I talk about to an entire congregation??  I really couldn’t think of a very good reason to tell her “no, ” so, I decided I would pray about it.  Pastor Jen had messaged me on a Tuesday and I took rest of the week until Sunday to give her an answer.  While I was praying and pondering during the week, I was also reading the 40-day devotional “A Purpose Driven Life.”  In the reading for several days that week there was a pronounced message about sharing your story and faith with others.   Well….I think you get the idea…I don’t believe that was fate….I think God was definitely telling me I needed to step out of my comfort zone and up to the pulpit. 

As I have mentioned previously, I am still very immature in my faith journey and my knowledge of the Bible leaves much to be desired.  Throughout my life, I would have called myself a Christian.  I grew up in a Methodist Church in North Baltimore, a small town southwest of here.  I had an awesome experience growing up there.  I enjoyed going to church, getting involved in the YF, and being around some amazing people.  When I went to college, I chose a small, Christian school called Bluffton College.  Once again, I loved it!  I had a great experience and established some very special lifelong relationships.  After I graduated college and moved to Woodville, I didn’t really have a church where I belonged.  I would sometimes go back to North Baltimore and attend with my sister-in-law and niece or once in a while I would drag Wes, my husband, to go with me to a church in Fremont.  Most of the time though, I would spend my Sundays catching up on sleep, visiting with family and friends, schoolwork, and once in a while…some much needed housework. I had definitely drifted.  Well, as many of you know, I live across the street from the Molter’s.  With RJ and Carolyn’s persistent efforts to get me to come to THEIR church (and even coercing me with food, cookies, desserts, etc.) I eventually attended a few times and at some point last fall….I realized that I had been missing something HUGE in my life.  I started to attend regularly and even brought my son, Griffin to the nursery – which he LOVES!!!! Everyone here was so welcoming, that I truly felt as though I belonged. Since I start coming here and maybe since I am a little bit older and wiser ;)  I have discovered or maybe just rekindled a new passion for the Lord.  I want to learn more about the Bible, I want to have a relationship with the Lord, and I want to be a doer of his word. Before, I don’t think I was ever truly ready to really experience all that He had to offer. I may still be quite immature, but I am listening and ready to learn.

Listening to God and having faith is one of the biggest challenges that I face as a Christian.  I am a planner and like things to go my way.  It has always been hard for me to put my faith and trust in the Lord, when I know that I am giving up control.  It is also hard to have faith when we don’t understand God’s plan, especially when that plan is not coinciding with MY PLAN! All through high school and college I thought for sure I would find a teaching job teaching cute little third graders and Wes and I would get married and live in North Baltimore, which was close to his job and near our families and friends. Little did I know, God had another plan for us. 

During my senior year of college, I was busy doing my student teaching and Wes had just changed jobs going from working at a surveying company to the maintenance department at Bowling Green State University.  We were engaged to be married and both looking forward to starting our lives together once I graduated in May.  Well, one night in November, we had been talking on the phone and he was describing to me how he just didn’t feel right.   He was tingly and numb in places and just felt weird.  Well, at the time he was on a very physical flag football team and since he did manual labor for the university, although I was concerned, I didn’t think too much about it…I figured he just pulled or strained something.  Well, over the next few days, I realized this was something much more than a strain.  He lost almost complete feeling of the left side of his body and was using a cane to limp around.  What in the world was going on?  Finally, after much convincing he went to see a doctor. The doctor sent him to a neurologist and the neurologist ordered up an MRI.   When the MRI results came back we were told it was either a brain tumor, a stroke, or multiple sclerosis.   Yikes!! We were shocked…Wes was healthy….he was 22…and which one of those awful things to you hope for.  How could this be happening to us?  Why would God do this to a person?  This was definitely NOT in my plans.  After countless tests, doctor’s visits, and emotional distress, Wes was diagnosed with MS.

Even though I do not understand why this has happened to a person I love, I do realize that hard times bring growth.  I am sure that many of you have similar stories....maybe it was a loved one with cancer, a paralyzing accident, or the loss of a somebody close to you much too soon.  It is hard to understand and be able to have faith when you feel abandoned.  It is hard to listen to God and give to God when you do not understand how He could let something so awful happen.  How could this be in God’s ultimate plan?  Well, God never promised that our lives on Earth would be easy or good for that matter.  If life on Earth was so glamorous, we would never want to leave to get to heaven to be with Him.

Since his diagnosis, Wes has had a few relapses, walks with a limp, tires very easily, gets monthly infusions, and takes gobs of medication.  For the most part though, I consider us to be blessed.  We have learned to cope with the symptoms and have received wonderful support and medical care.  In retrospect, I have realized that even though I still do not understand why my husband has to live with MS and its symptoms, we have to trust that God has a reason. Maybe God did this so that our relationship would be stronger or so that Wes would be able to stay home with our children. Regardless of the reasoning, I know that I cannot doubt the Lord.  I have to have faith and trust that this is all part of His spiritual plan.

Despite all the issues and emotional anguish involved in Wes’s medical condition, I graduated college with a double major in Early Childhood Education and Special Education.  I desperately wanted to teach in an elementary school, so I began my job search during the spring of my senior year.  After interviewing at a job fair, I was offered a job at Benton Carroll Salem schools as an Intervention Specialist teaching HIGH SCHOOL. High School….now mind you, I was only 21 with my heart set on 3^rd graders.  What would I do with High Schoolers – they were nearly my age…I still had friends in high school?  Once again, God had thrown me a curveball.  This was not in my plan, but I was thrilled to at least have a job…especially since Wes was no longer able to work.  I thought I would get my foot in the door, gain some experience, and maybe be able to bump into an elementary job if one opened up in the next few years.  Eight years later, I LOVE my job teaching high schoolers with disabilities and cannot imagine teaching anything else. Now, I have the opportunity to give to God by helping students with special needs and He rewards me daily by allowing me to be a part of their lives and learn from their daily struggles, rejoice in their accomplishments, admire their innocence and appreciate their joy.  I am completely blessed and so thankful that God’s plan was so much better than mine. 

So, although I have a long way to go in my walk of faith, I will continue to give to God by loving Him and serving him in my daily life.   I try to be a loving mother, supportive wife, compassionate daughter and sister, loyal friend, and caring teacher.  I am trying to become more like Jesus every day as I learn to trust in Him ALWAYS and continue to grow in my spiritual maturity. 

A Childhood Friendship Reunited

Once upon a time there were two, white-haired, little girls.  One was named Syndi Le and the other Laura Leigh. They modeled big ugly dresses together, they climbed trees together, and they played on the monkey bars together. 

One day, when they were only in second grade, adults, jobs…life, separated the white-haired girls.  At first they sent cards on the holidays and letters to each other, but as the years passed, they lost contact with each other.  Randomly they would think fondly of the days of their youth and wonder what the other was up to, but due to subsequent moves they were unable to contact each other.

Years later, Laura packed her bags and set off for college.  Anyone that has ever gone away to college probably remembers move-in day of their freshman year, but this move-in was extra special for Laura.   She was filled with excitement and wonder as all of the others seemed to be, but also with uncertainty and fear.  It was her first time being on her own and even though she was extremely loud, most would say to the point of annoying, she was still nervous.

As Laura hurridely unpacked her belongings, she made a quick pit stop in the bathroom of Offenhauer West Floor 6.  Upon leaving the restroom she took a double take.  It HAD to be her!  It HAD to be Syndi Le Cline, she just knew it!  She was practically jumping with excitement when she returned to her room to tell her roommate that her childhood best friend was attending the same college!

That evening, everyone on Floor 6 of the dorm met in the community area to meet the resident advisor and participate in a couple ice breakers to meet the people that would be living on the same floor, watching television together, yelling at each other to hurry up and finish showering because they had parties to attend! 

The young girls all sat in a circle and nervously waited until it was their turn to speak.  As mentioned earlier in this story, Laura was rather obnoxious and rather loud.  When it was finally her turn to talk she looked at the rest of her floormates, introduced herself and then blurted out "AND YOU ARE SYNDI CLINE!"  Syndi was not loud or obnoxious, but was probably severly embarrased to have all eyes on her when it wasn't even her turn to speak!

The two girls couldn't wait until the meeting was over so that they could exchange stories of how they selected BGSU, how their families were doing, what sports they liked, etc.

I doubt that either of them imagined that once again, years and years later, they would be best friends.  They would be roommates.  They would share clothes, shoes, boyfriends, shampoo, ramon noodles, unforgettable car rides skidding through stops.  Together, they would watch "That 70's Show" with friends, they would skip class, they would fight over who had to place a to go order to Myles Pizza for 8 salads for a housefull of wild women!  They set off on many adventures to places like Siesta Keys and Panama City...sometimes it was even an adventure walking to the gas station with these two crazy ladies!  They would argue about who had enough gas to get them to the Crack Shack, who was going to buy the bread that they needed to eat that week, who was going to tell Tammy that it was her turn to clean the bathroom, but no matter how big or small the argument was, they made it through as friends.

Laura now has to dye her hair to get anywhere close to the white hair of her youth and Syndi doesn't wear her coke-bottle glasses of her youth anymore, but they have made it a point to be best friends forever!  Life has once again put miles on the map between them, but they call each other frequently, they make time to visit whenever possible and the memories of their youth will be treasured in their hearts forever.

Soon, Laura and Tammy will eagerly board a plane in anticipation of a new stage of life for thier dear friend, Syndi.  This weekend Syndi will marry Shawn: the only man that is patient enough to know when to push and when to give her some space, who believed in her enough to wait for her to finally say yes after repeated denials to his invitations to dinner, who no longer has to beg of her to shave his neck as this is simply what is expected of a wife.

As the author and a main character of this story, I could not be more happy for my beautiful, amazing friend.  I am positive she will look stunning and I can not wait to share her special occasion with her.  Wishing Syndi and Shawn a life full of love and happiness.  Love,  Laura Leigh

What Do You Give to God?

Matthew 22:15-22

New International Version (NIV)

Paying the Imperial Tax to Caesar

 ¹⁵ Then the Pharisees went out and laid plans to trap him in his words. ¹⁶ They sent their disciples to him along with the Herodians. “Teacher,” they said, “we know that you are a man of integrity and that you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. You aren’t swayed by others, because you pay no attention to who they are. ¹⁷ Tell us then, what is your opinion? Is it right to pay the imperial tax^[a] to Caesar or not?”  ¹⁸ But Jesus, knowing their evil intent, said, “You hypocrites, why are you trying to trap me? ¹⁹ Show me the coin used for paying the tax.” They brought him a denarius, ²⁰ and he asked them, “Whose image is this? And whose inscription?”
 ²¹ “Caesar’s,” they replied.
   Then he said to them, “So give back to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s.”
 ²² When they heard this, they were amazed. So they left him and went away.

As some of you know, one of the things that I like to do in my spare time is write.  Some of you read my thoughts in the church devotional, some of you read my thoughts when I post a blog online, some of you even get to hear my thoughts when you probably don't want to!  :)

When Pastor Jen asked me to write a message for this scripture she wanted me to give more to God.  She asked me to speak from the heart and tell you all how I personally give to God.  Probably in hopes that it would make you feel more connected to God as you thought about how you give to God. Maybe even make us, as a congregation, feel more connected in how we give to God.  Instead, I wrote a safe sermon that was impersonal and difficult to relate to.  This is my second message on the same text, but it is entirely different.  I'm confident this message is more of what she really wanted when she asked me to do this for her.

What do you give to God?

In the scripture lesson the Pharisees are attempting to trick Jesus.  They thought that he could only respond in two ways and that either answer would be breaking a rule.  One answer would break a rule set by Caesar, but the other answer would break a rule set by God.  Immediately Jesus realizes that they are trying to trap him and he calls them out as hypocrites.  He tells them to "give to the emperor what is the emperor's and to God what is God's" When I drafted the first message I focused on rules, laws, and paying taxes, but really the most important part of the text here should focus on giving to God what is God’s!  So instead of focusing on rules and laws, I will tell you how and why I give to God.

Have you ever felt like you have too many titles associated with your name?  Like you can't possibly be all the things that you need to be to all of the people in your life or you can't possibly fulfill the never-ending expectations that are imposed on you whether it's family, church, work...life?

Remember a time when everything you touched seemed to fall apart?  You were let go from work, the washer died, you had a flat tire and the list just seemed to go on and on, forever and ever? You probably told yourself you simply couldn't handle one more thing!

So far in my thirty years I have felt like this multiple times, but when my Dad's cancer returned I felt like I couldn't breathe.  The end of life stages are not fun to witness and this feeling of not being able to catch your breath is the best way I can describe exactly how helpless I felt.  I questioned God.  Why was this happening?  How can a God filled with such love and grace allow my Dad to suffer in this way? 

As the end grew closer for my Dad, I found that the anger and depression that sometimes seemed like it was going to overtake me, only seemed to lessen when I prayed.  I felt like I could breathe again when I read the Bible.  As the Hospice choir harmonized each hymn perfectly, I felt at ease. When I listened to Pastor Jen speak at my Dads funeral I was comforted with faith, hope and love.  When I decided to attend the Christmas Eve Service last year I truly felt the love of God and it filled my heart.  

Since I have felt His love and amazing grace I want more of it.  After I felt it and as I push myself to learn more of His word, I am starting to understand what we are all supposed to give to God.   In this reading Jesus was less concerned with paying taxes and more concerned with where your heart and energy is focused. 

Where is your energy focused?  What is your heart focused on?  What do you give to God? 

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me sane with my busy schedule is my honest belief that we are supposed to give everything, all that we have, to God.  As I run from this event to the next with my little ducklings waddling behind me, I want to know that each hour, each day, and each week I am giving everything I have to God.   Consciously, I am trying to be all used up when my time is called to be with God.  I want to have already given myself fully to God.  To me this means that I don’t want to have any talents, any gifts, or anything left of me to give.  I want to give Him everything.

So, now…now that I have opened my heart to God, I am more aware of what I have to offer.  We are all called, we all have special gifts and talents, but it is your choice how to use them!  You can use your gifts to gain power, fame, expensive toys OR you can give them to God!

When I wake up I try to hear the birds chirping as I prepare for work and see the beauty in the sunrise before I see Grant’s picture of it…even if I have been up all night with a crying child.  I wake up on Sunday and dress my beautiful ducklings in their Sunday clothes and try to contain them during the church service…rather than sleep in on the only day that sleeping in is a possibility.  I send a message to a friend in need or stop by unannounced with a beautiful prayer shawl made by some of the wonderful ladies in our congregation…when I should be cleaning my house or getting some sleep.  I share my thoughts on difficult topics, often topics that I struggle with the most, in hopes that it might help a friend or acquaintance that needs some assurance.  Time and time again someone pops into my head and I call them or send them a message. Almost always they admit that when I reached out to them they needed someone at that exact second…listen when you are called and give Him everything you have to offer.

New people pick up the pieces and take over tickle tortures.

There are always going to be times in life when you feel like you can’t catch your breath.   There are going to be times when you feel like too many titles describe you.  What you choose to do during those times is your choice.  You can let the expectations overcome you.  You can allow that feeling of helplessness to thrive and bring you down.   You can concentrate your thoughts on how bad things are going and most likely they will continue that way!

OR you can give everything to God. 

You can open your heart allowing Him to fill your spirit with His love and grace.  You can be renewed each day by reading His word, helping your neighbors and giving back to the community.  You can gain strength by spreading His word, forgiving with your whole heart and loving boldly.  You can use your talents to do Godly work.

Jesus wasn’t tricked by the Pharisees question, challenge yourself not to be tricked either!

Ask yourself, what do you give to God?

Amen

Friday Friendly Fun: Colors of the Season

I was going to simply post a picture(s) of this tree and that would have been enough. It would have served it's purpose for Friday Friendly Fun.  The friend that I was thinking of when we set off to the park would know it was for her.  She will probably cry when she sees the pictures of the beautiful tree. She will immediately know where the pictures were taken and think of her Mom. Yet, since the pictures were taken with love and filled with empathy, the tears will not be all sad. Some will be memory filled tears, some will be missing tears, some may be happy tears knowing that I remember her Mom when I look at this tree as it changes from green to BRILLIANT reds and oranges, too.

Honestly, the only reason that I wanted to go to the park was to take pictures of the changing trees.  I knew the children would have fun, but selfishly, I needed a picture of the tree for my Friday Fun!  My friend looks at these particular trees (that are much more magical than my amatuer picture taking skills can illustrate) and it reminds her of her Mom.  Before she told me that the color change conjures happy thoughts of her Mom, the season change really only reminded me of death.  Now, as each tree turns to a marvelous red, as each mum bursts with magnificent color, I take time to see the beauty. I find it fascinatitng that God sent me this friend during the exact season of my life that I needed her.  I need her honesty and bluntness, her wisdom and grace.  I didn't know that I needed her when we met (I actually thought she was kind of itchy with a b, but turns out she just didn't know I who I was when I assumed she did)!  Thankfully, God knew that I needed her to open my eyes to the heavenly colors of fall and so much more.

We invited our newest neighbor, who is quickly becoming one of Camille's best friends, to come with us to the park.  Before we even made it to the park, where I was anticipating the "missing" feeling, before we were even a block from our house, the children had this conversation:

S: Did you know that my Dad is in heaven?

C: Awww, poor you.

L: Did you know our Pipi is in heaven?

C: Yeah, poor us, too.

K: Why did Pipi die?

M (with tears welling in my eyes): Did you see that squirrel?  I think his name is Haxson Jackson!

Even though these wonderful children were smiling and skipping during the entire conversation, I couldn't stop the tears.  I couldn't help to feel the missing and then feel emptiness for this beautiful little girl with hair that matches the leaves of the tree I was going to photograph. As I think of my friend coming into my life precisely when I needed her, I'm fairly certain that God is using Camille for the same thing.  Camille is very sensitive to the feelings of the people she cares for. She doesn't hesitate to hand out hugs and kisses if someone is feeling sad. Our neighbor needs a friend like Cami in her corner. Continued prayers and all of our support to her and her family. 

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.  ~Kahlil Gibran

Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality. ~Emily Dickinson

In between sword chopping, Keegan noticed me taking pictures of the trees.  He asked me why I was taking pictures of the trees and why I was crying?  I told him because I miss Pipi.  He gave me a big bear hug and told me he misses Pipi, too.  After I photographed the trees, the sun dried  my tears.

I laid in the leaves with the kids and remembered that change is inevitable.  In the back of my mind, I am distinctly aware that soon the leaves will dry up, turn brown, fall to the ground. Die. The seasons change,  the sun rises and sets; strive for peace each day as life changes around you.  Embrace each season of every year and pause to take in the lovely and unique changes as the seasons of your life change with the seasons of each year.  Enjoy the beautiful colors of fall before they turn brown and fall to the ground. The excitement in the childrens eyes as they jumped and skipped and held hands from each adventure to the next, warmed my heart and brought me back to the beauty all around me.

I am happy that my children remember my Dad.  I hope that Summer remembers only the fond memories of her Daddy, too.  I am grateful that my friends who have been through this are able to speak so openly about death. The tears from missing are because those that have left us are worth missing.  They impacted our lives significantly and because of that, they are missed.  We love them.  It's alright to miss them.  Until we see them again...

 Cherish. Remember. Love.

Yes, Keegan has on two left footed sandals, they have different straps, he has swim trunks on in October, he brought his sword to the park and his tank top is too small, SO?!  :)

Cherish. Remember. Love.

Can you learn compassion?

Are we taught compassion? Is compassion something that is emulated?

Obviously, I am very sarcastic in nature.  Is sarcasm taught or emulated? I hope my children are more sincere and less sarcastic than I am...not looking good so far...I think it's emulated.

I read a facebook post my cousin wrote this afternoon and instantly tears were streaming down my face.  I didn't even have the courage to click on her proposed caringbridge link.  I read her post and thought to myself: "good God, I have enough people on my never ending prayer list!  I can't start following this caringbridge site for a complete stranger today. I'm emotionally spent as it is!"

Then I read her daughters post later in the evening.  She is seventeen and these were the thoughts that were running through her pretty little head tonight:

"I think autumn is the fullest season, and the emptiest at the same time. Everywhere you look, there's a burst of orange or a spark of red, so bright and eye-catching among the smattering of different greens around you. Full of color and crispness and pumpkins and the faint remainder of that fresh-cut grass smell. Then it's empty. Empty because some trees are already bare because of the change. Empty because you're always running out of time to be in the moment. Empty because its so full of momentum. It goes by so fast it's empty of enough praise. It's kind of like life...maybe we should step back and enjoy the simple beauties our world (and our lives!) has to offer us." Hailey Elizabeth Holke

Anyways, this is the question that is banging around in my head tonight: Can you learn compassion? Is it taught?  Is it something that you have felt and from then on you wanted to extend the feeling to others? Not sure!

My hypothesis: either genetic tendencies extend to emotional maturity in the form of compassion or it's emulated.  I think the elders in my family must be pretty good examples:)  Oh, and I did go back to Alissa's post, clicked on the caringbridge page, entered my email and password as a frequent visitor and prayed for young Will. 

PS to Hai: When you read my Friday Fun (that isn't really fun this week) you will smile at the similarities in our outlook on fall.  Astounding, really, since we don't see each other very often!

If compassion can be taught, these might be a few ways to teach compassion:

~Bring your children with you when you do community service/stop by to help a friend in need.  It's a pain in the rear-end sometimes (especially when you have to load three of them), but how else will they emulate your behavior if they don't see it! (And, no, I do not always follow this rule!)

~When they are watching a show/reading a book ask them questions about how the character might be feeling in a bad circumstance or what they could do to make a bad situation a little better (like offer a hug).

~Ask your child to look around the lunch room/playground to see if anyone is sitting alone.  Ask them how they would feel if they were the one sitting all by themselves.  Encourage them to invite the outsider to play! (My mom did a really good job at this one!  Other than when I'm at the 5:40am spin class, I am known to walk up to a stranger/group of strangers, introduce myself and initiate conversation...often to the displeasure of my husband and friends:))

~Show your children love and affection each and every day!

Habitat

Lilly's first project!

I didn't think people would like to look at my kids projects, but I enjoyed looking at Nichole's kids so I thought I'd share. Plus, my mom thought it was absolutely and utterly absurd that I would spend $18 at Michaels craft store to buy things for a project. And I'll probably think it's funny someday, too:)

Purchased craft supply list:
Grass ($3)
Zebra paper ($2.50 for one sheet, but it's SOOOO cute!)
Surrounding animals (set of 10, but Lil only wanted to use 2 of them) ($6.50)
Black pipe cleaner ($1.50)
Googly eyes ($1.50 could not find the things when we did the project so we made a different eye)

Already had supply list:
Paper for background-sky, tree and water
Butterfly was one that used to be my Granny's, but now sits in one of our plants:)
Button for eye
Tissue paper for tree
Glue and things to spread tacky glue
Safari animal stickers
Popsicle sticks for the legs

Lilly picked to do a zebra. I thought since that was the main part of her project we should spend the most time on it so we made the big zebra. I did the cutting, but Lilly did all of the gluing. She also decided how she wanted to set up the animals, grass, water.

Camille and Keegan each glued one of the sides of the skyline on before I could not handle all three of them gluing and cutting and screaming and pushing for position (closest to my face!). I got out the glitter glue and dot to dots for them and that satisfied them for the rest of the project. Lilly put the final touches on her project while I gave Keegan and Camille a shower AND picked up all the craft supplies! She is so responsible it's almost scary!

Anyways, without further ado, here it is!

The project is due Friday. She plans to make a sun out of macaroni noodles above the lion and cover the outside with some type of paper before then if we have time with gymnastics, soccer, girl scouts...LIFE!

PS: She is very knowledgable on zebras! She knows where they live, the top two predators, how they sleep, the closest related animal, that they are believed to see color, what they eat...oh and probably 10 other things that I don't know since she could not read enough information about the "cool, beautiful, wild animal!"

Friday's Friendly Fun

Sorry guys, I did have an idea earlier in the week for Friday's fun, but I never got around to it...maybe next week!

And I'm not feeling creative AND more importantly Grey's starts in 7 minutes, so this will be short and sweet!

PERSPECTIVE is everything.

Tonight was beautiful! The weather was nice. The kids were all in great moods! Other than being tired, I am feeling pretty good, too:) I didn't have to rush to get food down throats because Aaron had dinner ready in the crockpot when we got home. Lilly dressed herself. The water bottles were full and we were all ready to go well before we had to leave...I should have known it would be a good night!

Even though I am a "coach" for the team, with crazy work schedules and everything that happens in one little day, often I get to watch the younger children rather than coach. Tonight was one of these nights and it was perfect. The field we played at had a nice big hill that the younger children liked to roll down and climb. The hill was the perfect spot to watch a soccer game. The girls on the team could still hear my loud mouth and in between "I need another piece of gum, it felled out!" and "Can I take my shoes off?" I was able to lean back and enjoy the glorious evening.

The kids all listened well. I got lots of high fives and cuddles from my monsters and Kiks, but my favorite part of the evening was an argument between two sisters:) Keira picked a three leaf clover and brought it to me. She was so excited to tell me that it was yucky (lucky). Paige immediately told her that three leaf clovers are everywhere and they are not lucky at all! Keira said, "Paige, this one is yucky. I picked it for Yora and it is yucky!" I gave her a big hug and told her that I felt like the luckiest girl alive so obviously it was a lucky clover! Paige shrugged her shoulders and they all smiled at each other.

It's all about perspective! HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

The Fear

I think it's normal to evaluate your life every so often. In the workforce you have annual performance reviews, some people work for their bonus, children receive grades for their effort at school, when you play a game you either win or lose.

Maybe it's because I recently turned 30 and I have been stuck on "Don't close your eyes, this is your life" for a few weeks now. Maybe it's because I've been listening to Lily Allen this week and she has a song about turning 30 and it says "It's sad but it's true how society says her life is already over". It could be because a friend is struggling with lack of satisfaction as they reflect on where they are at right now. It's possible that I am just tired from lack of sleep!

I think when you are evaluating your life, there are always going to be areas that are less than satisfactory. Sometimes I think the fear of not being good enough keeps you driven. Always wanting more isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I imagine that everyone struggles with their own why's. Everyone struggles with the fear that they may never get whatever it is that they want in life, that they will die before they get to where they want to be, that they will never be satisfied with what they have...etc. etc. etc!!

This month I want to look good for a wedding. There will not be anyone that I want/need to impress. I'm not obsessed with my outside appearance. I don't even own a scale! But I set my mind on shedding an inch or two and now I'm working my butt off to get it. I evaluated my eating habits and motivation to exercise and lately I have been less than satisfactory in this area, so I'm working on it! The fear of not looking my best isn't hurting anyone...well unless it's hurting me due to sleep deprivation. (I highly despise the 5 o'clock am hour!)

Be sure when you are evaluating you are using apples to apples! Are you making changes for the right reasons? It's easy to look at someone else and think "Why can't I have that?" or "All I want is _________. Why can't I have it?" or simply "Why am I not happy?" Are you comparing things to other people out of jealousy, envy or resentment? Are you evaluating parts of your life because you simply want to do better and be better for yourself? I don't think you're being fair to yourself if you compare the things you want to others. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. You have no idea all the crazy thoughts that may be going on in someone elses head! They probably fear all of the same why's!

I live a wonderful, fun filled life. I have job and so does my husband. We are able to sufficiently provide for our family, etc. etc. etc. I try very hard to see the beauty around me and to live each day to the fullest! That does not mean that I live in sunshine and rainbow land! I fight with my husband. I get angry with my children. At the end of the week the laundry is often pilled to the ceiling. I do not like to visit the nursing home and haven't been there in a LONG time. I should make more of an effort to spend time with my family and friends. I often cry when I shouldn't and always when I don't want to be crying. I frequently fear not being good enough and have trouble defining what good enough is.

I assume that most people harbor many of the same fears, same doubts, same insecurities. When you don't know what is right and what's real anymore take a step back. First decide what you want. Is it forkloads of diamonds and fame? Is it stability, financially or emotionally? Do you want to shed a few inches? What do you want in life? Decide and wrestle with the fear. Then fight it or for it. Trust in whatever it is that you trust in. For me, it's God.

Psalm 56:3-4
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?


RIP Steve Jobs
"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."
– Stanford commencement speech 2005



It's 12:40am and sleep eludes me.

Is this where I want to be?

Everything is annoying.

Is this where I need to be?

Random Facts #2

I have Christmas socks on today. Not because I am already in the Christmas spirit, but because Cami was sleeping in my bed and I didn't want to turn the lights on and wake her up before I was ready and had lunches packed. My pants are long enough that you can't see them when I'm standing so I went with them even after I noticed they were black...with red and green snowflakes:)

Keegan is less than 2 months from 3 and I'm still not pushing potty training. I don't care if that makes me a bad mom.

I cleaned out the downstairs bathroom cabinet a couple weeks ago for the first time in over a year (CHRISTINA AND GARY WILL TREMBLE WITH DISGUST IF THEY READ THIS). Nobody uses it and I only open it if I need a bandaid. It has been full of my dads personal belongings for over a year and I didn't want to do it. Secretly I was hoping it would magically one day be done when I needed a bandaid. Finally, eleven months later, I did it. I finally threw everything out. I saved the bottle of Obsession cologne and a bottle of after shave.

Ernestos has KILLER margaritas...and the chicken enchilada, salsa and basket of chips I inhaled are not good for my get skinny program!

You never know someones story unless you take the time to hear it! I listened to the cutest little love story I've heard in a long time this weekend:) Makes me want to stear clear of Haunted Houses!

The most well behaved child in my house receives the least amount of attention. It's not fair, but it's true. Lilly is extremely responsible, consistently follows the rules and does exactly as she is told most of the time. Lately she has been playing this card: "I wish I was the youngest so I got to sit next to Mommy!" or "I wish I was the only child so I didn't have to pick up their toys!" and on and on and on. In reality though, she has a point. I expect more out of her with less attention. Last night I decided to cuddle up with her in her bed. She asked me why I was laying with her and I told her because I lay with Cami every morning and I layed with Keegan the night before because he was scared of monsters. She was so excited! The random fact in this rant is that I am consciously trying to spend more one on one time with Lilly!

We watched Home Alone last night. Lilly left the CUTEST message for Uncle Jakie when the movie ended:)

My hair desperately needs Nina, but I need to wait a another week so it's nice and fresh for my friends wedding.