Ready for the light!!

I am ready for the light, ready to rejoice in the resurrection, but the lent book asks me to stay focused on the passages of Holy Week instead. To stay focused on the truth of the story. I have to force myself not to turn away as I have in my religious history thus far in my life. If I am strong enough and can remain focused, I will dig deeper into the passages this week, relate to the characters and force myself to look at the truth. The truth is that life is painful, life is difficult, life is full of trials and struggles.

Approximately a decade ago, I attended my first Good Friday service. Growing up my family was more of the Easter and Christmas Eve type members. I attended the confirmation classes, decided to be baptized, but mostly because I was told I was going to. Really our classes were more of a social gathering where we would make fun of our teachers and laugh at a couple of the clowns in our class. When I did attend church I would pass notes with my friends and rarely pulled anything out of the message. My religious background was not very strong, I believed in God and knew some of the stories, but only the ones told on the big church days! When I agreed to attend Good Friday service I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I trusted the instincts of the person that had extended the invitation and went to the service.

The big, beautiful church that was normally filled with light, was dark. On any other occasion when I entered this church the light would reflect magnificently from the stained glass windows and draw attention to all of the detail in the tradition. At any other service I had attended in this church there were flowers, the banners were detailed in bold colors, and I viewed the intricately carved statue of Jesus on the cross as glorious. The people that I normally greeted with a big smile and a hug, were somber on this night. Before, during and after the service the congregation hung their heads and their shoulders seemed to slouch. Nobody spoke to one another. There was no, "say hi to your neighbor!" or "joys and concerns". The babies and small children that normally would break the heaviness of any moment in the church, were not present. The service was dimly lit when we started and lights continued to dim as the service continued, only leaving a single flame. The banners were black. The one song we did sing was the most depressing hymn I have ever heard. When the loud noise signifying the driving of the nails sounded I think I might have slightly wet myself. (I was warned this was going to take place, but I was already on edge from the rest of the service)! Then everyone left in silence.

It was terrifying! I was intimidated and a little turned off by this service for quite some time. Alright, I haven't been back to a Good Friday service since! Where is the joy in our belief in God and Jesus in this service? Where is the hope and love from God, from the congregation, from the church? I thought you were supposed to leave church feeling renewed, not ready to jump off a cliff!

When I attended my first Good Friday service I severely lacked biblical knowledge. My memories of church were happy hymns and people overflowing with excitement to greet us. Not a terribly sad and depressing hymn, a dark church and a congregation leaving in silence. Why is it called Good Friday? But after reading the scriptures a few times, after thinking about the struggles Jesus endured to offer us the promises in His truth, I understand why! How can you not feel like God abandoned Jesus on the cross? His only son, alone and suffering, where was God then? Betrayed by his closest followers and friends and not just Judas, but each and every one of the disciples. Each of the people that had just vowed to fight, even to death for Jesus and all he stood for. Where were they now?

I have always been grateful that Jesus died on the cross for our sins, I knew that part of the story. I knew that he suffered a horrific, painful death, but I never took the time to think about all of the other ways he suffered. Imagine the feeling of abandonment by your closest friends in your darkest time, most of us can relate to the feeling of abandonment and solitude. Tough stuff, life is painful. Now imagine witnessing all of the signs Jesus performed, all of the healing, all of the larger than this world feats he accomplished...then turning your back to Him. Acting as if you had never met Him! Agony, Tough stuff, life is painful.

I remember feeling abandoned when my Dad was sick. Why was He allowing this suffering? Just take him, really, this is not fair! When I read the scriptures this week I think to myself how extremely selfish of me it was to think He had forsaken me. He witnessed His only Son suffer, not only physical pain, but all of the emotional pain that we face in life. All of the emptiness, betrayal, deceit, abandonment. He didn't abandon me, He suffered with me.

This week I am anticipating the Good Friday service with intrigue and wonder. I wonder if the service will be similar to the church attended so many years ago? I wonder if I will be moved to tears? I will certainly be mourning Jesus' death as I have my entire life, but this year I am will also be thinking about how I relate to the other characters in the scripture, to look deeper into darkness, to the tough stuff. I am not going to skip this week and wait for Sunday. I wonder if my friend will put a loving twist in her message, is there any of the good feelings in this scripture that I am not grasping right now? She is brutally honest, so I think her message will border on the terrifying, just like the service I attended years ago, but this year I will understand why it is so scary. I will appreciate ALL of the pain and suffering, not just the physical pain Jesus endured.

I am still ready for the light, I am still ready to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord...but I am also grateful that I took the time to learn more, appreciate more, love more. So very thankful for Good Friday and all the things it represents. The truth is sometimes hard to swallow. Life is painful, we will all die, we will all feel betrayed, maybe even by God. Yet through our belief in His truth we are offered light, we are offered life.