It's ok to be selfish

Sadly, I've been seeking out articles that are calling action against "the busy".  As if I need justification of/for my need to be still?  Last year I made a resolution to have a stay at home weekend each month.  Admittedly, I had to write, in my beautiful planner, "STAY AT HOME! DO NOT SCHEDULE!" each month to remind myself of the need to be still.  I have issues with "the busy" and I understand my need set boundaries or every second of every day will be full of activity.

Yet, I'm also a people pleaser.  Even when one of my best friends, that I talk to all the time and see frequently invites us over, I feel bad saying no.  I shouldn't.  I understand that I shouldn't, but I still do.  I feel like if they/their kids want to enjoy time together, I should make time.  But sometimes I'm too tired or there is too much work to do at home or I just don't want to be social...I know, the last part VERY rarely happens;)

Worse than feeling guilty that I turned down an invitation is when I do finally say no but then feel left out. We put the kids to bed and relax, but I check Facebook or Instagram. I yearned for this relaxing downtime, but when I see pictures of everyone having fun,  I feel a twinge of "missing out".

There is no winning the game inside of my head on some days. I've thought about how to maneuver and manipulate the game pieces.   One of the solutions is less social media time.  I'm not going to give it up for lent this year, but I am going to give up busy.  So that I don't feel left out, I'm going to limit my social media time to once a day for 15 minutes or less each day.

And do more of this:

My time is valuable and it's ok to be selfish sometimes.  Finding the new balance now that Aaron's on day shift will take some work, patience and time to adjust.

Family-church-friends-work-life balance: A constant struggle.

Find yours.  Be selfish.

XOXO,

Where is Your Happy Place!?

Sobbing, I beg them to answer me, "It's everywhere, isn't it? They found it all over when he put the scope in, didn't they!?"

The nurse that talked to me for A HOUR AND A HALF when the surgeon was "stuck in traffic", "Laura, honey, everything is fine."

Still sobbing, but starting to turn angry, "Where is my husband?  He won't lie to me.  He'll tell me the truth!"

"Laura, your stats are going crazy.  You need to relax and take deep breaths.  You're waking up from the anesthetic and it's playing tricks on you.  Everything is fine.  All of the tissue removed looked healthy and cancer free.  They have to run the labs, but the surgery went well.  Breathe."

My voice is still quivering, but I manage to grasp what she was saying, "Ok, I'm sorry. I'm ready to go to the recovery room." I fell back asleep and the next time I woke up, I was calm. The recovery nurse reassured me that the surgery went smoothly and my stats were all looking great.  They would release me as soon as I felt well enough.

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HAPPY THOUGHTS.   That's what people advise you to think about when you go under anesthetic.  Go to your happy place! The first surgery I must have been more successful at masking my biggest fear with happy thoughts of beaches and sunsets.  This surgery, well, not so much. 

The night before surgery I had to wake up at 3am to "clean out" for surgery.  The plows were running non-stop.  One of Aaron's co-workers called JUST after we had fallen asleep because he didn't remember that Aaron was off work that night. The drive in to the Clinic was nerve racking, dark and dangerous.

Two nights before surgery I had a sleep over with Camille.  Camille, my sweet, innocent protector, that always asks the hard questions.

Mommy, why do you have to have another surgery?  Is the cancer gone then?  How long will it hurt?  Will I still be able to cuddle you when you get home?  Will you sleep downstairs again?  Do you think I'm going to get cancer?  Are you going to die?

All valid questions.  All questions that I have prepared for in my head.  Most of them I have answered for her MANY time before.  But it doesn't make it any easier.

Maybe if the surgery would have started timely I would have been able to think of the beaches or sunsets?  Maybe if I would have been more rested, I would have woke up in the recovery room calm and collected?  Maybe I wasn't thinking of my favorite happy place!?

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This morning though, I found it.  Next time, I will remember it when they knock me out.  Hopefully, I remember it always and forever.

"Mommy, I had a bad dream!" As he cracks the door open.  "Is Daddy gone?"

"Yes, Bud, he's gone, come on in."

"Can I come in, too?! I didn't have a bad dream, but I heard Keegan in the hall."  As Cami climbs into bed.

"Well, we're only missing one now, but let's let her sleep in.  I'll give her some cuddles tonight!"

And we cuddled and kissed and tickled and all was well in my world.  Morning cuddles are my happy place.


When I get stuck in "Worry" or "What if!?" or "IT'S EVERYWHERE, ISN'T IT!?!", I can always go back to my happy place.  Crack open the door and wait for them to tiptoe in.  Even as I think of it, I can feel their soft skin as they scooch closer to the warmth of my body. I can smell the conditioner in their hair as it brushes my cheek. Instantly, I am happy, at peace.  I want to remember these moments always.

Take time to breathe them in so that you can remember your happy place always.

XOXO,

Med Update

So, I don't feel like writing. I AM OLD. One fun night out until 3pm and I'm done for the next week.  I read Divergent today and I'm starting Insurgent tomorrow so that's where I'll be spending any spare time.  Those are my best two excuses for not writing this week...but really it's just because I don't want to:P

Pre-op went well.  More poking, prodding FUN TORTURE, but all is well and even with my lack of voice and minor cough, I'm all set for WAY early in the morning on the 6th.  Since we're supposed to get another huge pile of snow, we'll probably stay at Jake and Laine's or a hotel even closer depending on the weather predictions.

My most favorite SHITTY part of the whole ordeal is that I GET to do two...(NOT ONE, but TWO!!)enemas to prepare for surgery.  Can't poopin' wait!

They put 150cc's in my right foob.  Lots less lopsided and not terribly sore.  I go back in a couple weeks for another 90cc's and then they should be about the same size.  He's thinking more like 6 months to take out the expanders and put in implants...he says my skin looks angry.  He obviously hasn't seen me look angry >:(

That's all for now!!

XOXO,


 

Smiles, Hugs and a Few Tears

For the antifacebook crew:

Done with radiation! Enjoyed lots of smiles, tons of hugs and a few tears with the staff. DONE.

The burn under my arm looks a ton better.  My plastics doc is going to be so excited when he pumps up my right foob next week.  He was not sold on having anyone other than the Clinic treat me, but it turned out great.  I have one spot on my collar bone that is irritated right now.  It itches like crazy, but it should be good to go by the time anything permanent will be done with my foobs.  Radiation burns can appear weeks late.  They will not take the expanders out and replace them with the implants until they are completely healed...3-6 months from now.

So, the next step...

My cancer is estrogen positive-it feeds off of estrogen.  The doctors are going to take away my estrogen producers (ovaries).  Removing my ovaries reduces the chance of recurrence (cancer coming back) by up to 50%!  Pretty huge risk reduction!!  I will have this surgery January 6th. They will do it laproscopic and the recovery time is minimal.

BUT, it doesn't come without side effects.  I'll be thrown back into menopause...for good this time. I have to apologize a lot when I'm not a crazy, psychotic, hormonal lunatic.  I think I'll just stay home and keep quiet until my hormones level off a bit.  PRAY FOR AARON AND THE MONSTERS.

After surgery, I will start arimidex to further suppress estrogen production.  I will be on this drug for 5-10 years. Osteoporosis is one of the main side effects of this class of drugs, so I will also start taking calcium.  I'm fairly certain this is part of my punishment for my less than tolerant attitude toward the elderly. 

Oh, we had a wonderful Christmas...Daddy didn't have to work Christmas Eve OR Christmas day.  After I took a nap, I was much more pleasant to interact with. We ate too much food and played with all of the monsters' new toys. 

I decided on my New Years Resolution. I'm going to get more organized.  I thought it would be liberating to throw out my planner.  I stopped writing down appointments, games, etc. in May.  I let Aaron handle the checking account and appointments and school work...we didn't bounce any checks, miss any games and only a few homework assignments were eaten by our non-existent dog.  BUT, it didn't relieve any stress really.  Instead, I just worried about what game or assignment we were going to miss or if there was enough money in the account to cover expenses.

Ok, I'm a control freak!  I admit it.  Again, pray for Aaron and the monsters!

Anyways, Sarah Kuhn sent me a check with instructions to get something for me.  (Oh, Sara, I will cash it soon. I'm really bad at cashing checks, someone should have told you that;) And, I'm REALLY bad at sending thank you's...so THANK YOU!!)

LOVE writing in a new planner:)

Cheers to a new page, a new chapter, a NEW YEAR!!



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My Magical Christmas Memory

Guest post. I might be partial, but I think it's pretty amazing. She wrote it for school, but when I went through her folder, I asked her for permission to share.

My Magical Christmas Memory: Lilly A. Strong

My magical Christmas memory was when I was 8 (she's 9 now;)). All the things I did were fun. I went sledding, effortlessly built a snowfort, had a nice breakfast with Santa, easily found the pickle  ornament on my grandma's Christmas tree, and had a cheerfull Christmas dinner with the best cookies at my grandma's house. I got my awesome ipod, our nice, new fireplace, and our jolly elf: Rosie Mittens Star. My most magical Christmas was the best Christmas you could ask for.

This year Lilly is asking for SOCKS. That's all she wants: SOCKS!! Love her to pieces.  Lilly is becoming a great writer and is an avid reader of anything we place in her hands.  She did promise us tonight that she would spend some time with us instead of reading;)

A Christmas to Remember

GUEST POST.  I don't think Daren Cable needs an introduction.  He's famous for his first guest blog http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2013/10/guest-post-its-just-game.html and well, just being an ok guy;)

 

A Christmas to Remember

 

        Cinnamon, that’s what I remember.  I can smell it like it was yesterday.  I was probably 9 or 10 years old and had just walked home from school.  It was a crisp, early December day and there was a dusting of snow on the ground.  As I entered the front door of our house and walked into the porch, I was greeted by the same fantastic sight that was there every December as I grew up.  Stacks and stacks of old potato chip cans that were filled with a multitude of Christmas candies and cookies.  (Yes, that is correct, potato chips used to come in cans!)  Our enclosed front porch was not heated so it was like a giant refrigerator for the weeks leading up to the big day.  Cinnamon, there it was again.  So strong it almost burnt my nose.  My mom was in the house busy making Christmas hard candy.  Most people would pour hard candy onto a cookie sheet and then break it into pieces once it hardened.  I always thought my mom was some kind of superstar because she used to pour it into small rubber molds to shape the candy like Christmas trees, stars and Santa’s.   I specifically remember the small Santa shaped candy that she made and that she always made them with cinnamon flavor.  Evidently, on this day, she was making Santa’s.  The Christmas trees were spearmint flavored and the stars were flavored like lemon.  I really enjoyed the holidays as a child; it was a special time of year for my family.

          It is amazing the things we remember and the pictures that are painted in our heads from when we grew up.  What is it that you remember from your childhood?  I’m sure we all remember different things, but I believe that most of our memories are made up of the little things.  Even though the holidays were a big part of my younger years, I can only remember a couple of the presents that I received as a child.  Most of what I remember are the parties on Christmas Eve, the cookies and candies that my mom made, my sister playing the trumpet during the Christmas Eve church service (after several glasses of wine back home at the party) and waiting on Christmas morning for my Dad to get out of bed before we could open our presents.  Memories are not built on the material things we have in our life, but rather the relationships, traditions and experiences we gather, build and create over time. 

          I would love to know more about my parents and their life.  What do they remember from their childhood, what kind of teenagers were they, how did they meet, and the questions just keep on coming.  Wouldn’t it be neat to go back in time and be able to see their perspective on their lives?  What was their passion? What did they want for their children? What did they envision me doing as an adult when they held me as a baby? 

          I have always believed that one thing we all should strive for is to leave a legacy once we leave this material earth.  How will we be remembered? What will people think of when they hear the name Daren Cable?  What will my kids, grandkids, great grandkids and even great great grandkids know about who I was and what I thought was important?  Eventually we all will die, that is inevitable; but what will we leave behind to be remembered by? 

          I really wish my parents and grandparents had done more to document their lives.  I would love to know more.  My mom died when I was 13 years old, and one thing she did before her death was she wrote each of her kids a letter.  She wrote about what we meant to her and the things she loved about us.  It is something I will always keep close.  So what can we do to leave something like this for our kids and grandkids?  My wife and I started a new tradition a few years ago.  Each Christmas we write a letter to each of our kids.  We talk about the great things that happened that year and the things they do that we love so much.  This letter gets put in their stockings that hang on their door.  In our house, if the kids wake up at any time during the night, they are allowed to open their stockings (no peeking downstairs though).  Putting their letters in their stockings gives them a little something extra to enjoy as they sit in their rooms in the middle of the night anticipating the big day to come. 

          Do yourself and your loved ones a favor this Christmas, write them a letter expressing your love for them.  It is something they will hang on to forever!

When I thought I was dying, I started writing more often to my monsters. They have always enjoyed it when I write about them and to them. What a great idea with their stockings!!! Thanks for sharing, Daren Cable. Merry Christmas to your beautiful family!!  Love, Laura

Mele Kalikimaka

I can't get this out of my head now, bratface;)  Guest post from one of my favorites! Oh, and I want to be in Hawaii now:P  Merry Christmas, Cheryl!!

 

Mele Kalikimaka

(Merry Christmas in Hawaiian)

When you think about Christmas many things come to mind and for everyone this may be similar, or something different all together. For me though, there are three words that come to mind that describe how I feel or feelings that arise this time of year. Funny thing is, not long before Laura presented this challenge my youngest child posed the question of why I love Christmas so much. My answer to her was a little less in depth, but held the same meaning.

Ohana (Family)

Family. One word that can mean so much to many. I love that during the holidays we get to spend time with family near and far. We may not all be able to gather at the same time but at least the time is spent with each other.

As I get older I learn to cherish that time spent together. Things can change so quickly; here and gone in a moment's notice. Give a loved one that extra hug. Say how you feel. Because hindsight is just that, hindsight.

Recently I had to say goodbye to a loved one in my work family. One day we were celebrating her retirement with cake and smiles, the next we sat by her bedside as Hospice was called in, sharing tears and whispers of "I love you". The realization of this person's passing finally hit me full force as a snapped a photo of my Christmas tree. I thought to myself "Pat is going to love this one". And then it hit me, like a punch to the gut. I will never share family photos or stories ever again. Family was everything to this special lady and the best advice ever given to me was to always say I love you and cherish every moment. Family!!

Maopopo (Understanding)

Understand that sometimes the holidays have a negative feeling or bring about times of sadness. During the holidays some individuals are not as lucky as others to have family around. Their family may be far away unable to visit, or they may not have any family at all. For those who have lost a loved one during the holidays prior, this time of year may bring negative feelings or deep sorrow. Please try to understand that some may not share in our happiness or celebration.

During this time of year in the hospital we are always busy. Some come because they are sick, but others come because they are lonely or sad. For those individuals please try to show them compassion and empathy. The do not need sympathy or someone to feel sorry for them, just an ear to listen or even a kind word or gesture will do.

Which leads me to the next word......

Ha'awi (Give)

Give selflessly. Every year I take the kids shopping for toys to donate for "Toys for Tots". They enjoy picking out toys for other children and trying to decide what those children would want. I like that it gives them a sense of the needs of others and the joy of giving.

But the need does not stop there. There are so many that go without basic needs for whatever reason. Food, shelter, basic care items, a warm coat or blanket.... the list could go on and on. The ultimate gift of giving was given to all of us when Jesus was born. Given to us, to save us all and help us see the light of God.

So give. Help your fellow man, woman, and child. The gift does not have to be monetary, your time is just as valuable and appreciated. Spread the love that was given to us all.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

**In case you were wondering about the use of the Hawaiian words, I am more of a tropical weather person. I would not mind a green and bright Christmas as long as my family was there by my side!!** :)

Cheryl Helmke