Sobbing, I beg them to answer me, "It's everywhere, isn't it? They found it all over when he put the scope in, didn't they!?"
The nurse that talked to me for A HOUR AND A HALF when the surgeon was "stuck in traffic", "Laura, honey, everything is fine."
Still sobbing, but starting to turn angry, "Where is my husband? He won't lie to me. He'll tell me the truth!"
"Laura, your stats are going crazy. You need to relax and take deep breaths. You're waking up from the anesthetic and it's playing tricks on you. Everything is fine. All of the tissue removed looked healthy and cancer free. They have to run the labs, but the surgery went well. Breathe."
My voice is still quivering, but I manage to grasp what she was saying, "Ok, I'm sorry. I'm ready to go to the recovery room." I fell back asleep and the next time I woke up, I was calm. The recovery nurse reassured me that the surgery went smoothly and my stats were all looking great. They would release me as soon as I felt well enough.
HAPPY THOUGHTS. That's what people advise you to think about when you go under anesthetic. Go to your happy place! The first surgery I must have been more successful at masking my biggest fear with happy thoughts of beaches and sunsets. This surgery, well, not so much.
The night before surgery I had to wake up at 3am to "clean out" for surgery. The plows were running non-stop. One of Aaron's co-workers called JUST after we had fallen asleep because he didn't remember that Aaron was off work that night. The drive in to the Clinic was nerve racking, dark and dangerous.
Two nights before surgery I had a sleep over with Camille. Camille, my sweet, innocent protector, that always asks the hard questions.
Mommy, why do you have to have another surgery? Is the cancer gone then? How long will it hurt? Will I still be able to cuddle you when you get home? Will you sleep downstairs again? Do you think I'm going to get cancer? Are you going to die?
All valid questions. All questions that I have prepared for in my head. Most of them I have answered for her MANY time before. But it doesn't make it any easier.
Maybe if the surgery would have started timely I would have been able to think of the beaches or sunsets? Maybe if I would have been more rested, I would have woke up in the recovery room calm and collected? Maybe I wasn't thinking of my favorite happy place!?
This morning though, I found it. Next time, I will remember it when they knock me out. Hopefully, I remember it always and forever.
"Mommy, I had a bad dream!" As he cracks the door open. "Is Daddy gone?"
"Yes, Bud, he's gone, come on in."
"Can I come in, too?! I didn't have a bad dream, but I heard Keegan in the hall." As Cami climbs into bed.
"Well, we're only missing one now, but let's let her sleep in. I'll give her some cuddles tonight!"
And we cuddled and kissed and tickled and all was well in my world. Morning cuddles are my happy place.
When I get stuck in "Worry" or "What if!?" or "IT'S EVERYWHERE, ISN'T IT!?!", I can always go back to my happy place. Crack open the door and wait for them to tiptoe in. Even as I think of it, I can feel their soft skin as they scooch closer to the warmth of my body. I can smell the conditioner in their hair as it brushes my cheek. Instantly, I am happy, at peace. I want to remember these moments always.
Take time to breathe them in so that you can remember your happy place always.
XOXO,
The nurse that talked to me for A HOUR AND A HALF when the surgeon was "stuck in traffic", "Laura, honey, everything is fine."
Still sobbing, but starting to turn angry, "Where is my husband? He won't lie to me. He'll tell me the truth!"
"Laura, your stats are going crazy. You need to relax and take deep breaths. You're waking up from the anesthetic and it's playing tricks on you. Everything is fine. All of the tissue removed looked healthy and cancer free. They have to run the labs, but the surgery went well. Breathe."
My voice is still quivering, but I manage to grasp what she was saying, "Ok, I'm sorry. I'm ready to go to the recovery room." I fell back asleep and the next time I woke up, I was calm. The recovery nurse reassured me that the surgery went smoothly and my stats were all looking great. They would release me as soon as I felt well enough.
-----------------------
HAPPY THOUGHTS. That's what people advise you to think about when you go under anesthetic. Go to your happy place! The first surgery I must have been more successful at masking my biggest fear with happy thoughts of beaches and sunsets. This surgery, well, not so much.
The night before surgery I had to wake up at 3am to "clean out" for surgery. The plows were running non-stop. One of Aaron's co-workers called JUST after we had fallen asleep because he didn't remember that Aaron was off work that night. The drive in to the Clinic was nerve racking, dark and dangerous.
Two nights before surgery I had a sleep over with Camille. Camille, my sweet, innocent protector, that always asks the hard questions.
Mommy, why do you have to have another surgery? Is the cancer gone then? How long will it hurt? Will I still be able to cuddle you when you get home? Will you sleep downstairs again? Do you think I'm going to get cancer? Are you going to die?
All valid questions. All questions that I have prepared for in my head. Most of them I have answered for her MANY time before. But it doesn't make it any easier.
Maybe if the surgery would have started timely I would have been able to think of the beaches or sunsets? Maybe if I would have been more rested, I would have woke up in the recovery room calm and collected? Maybe I wasn't thinking of my favorite happy place!?
-----------------------
This morning though, I found it. Next time, I will remember it when they knock me out. Hopefully, I remember it always and forever.
"Mommy, I had a bad dream!" As he cracks the door open. "Is Daddy gone?"
"Yes, Bud, he's gone, come on in."
"Can I come in, too?! I didn't have a bad dream, but I heard Keegan in the hall." As Cami climbs into bed.
"Well, we're only missing one now, but let's let her sleep in. I'll give her some cuddles tonight!"
And we cuddled and kissed and tickled and all was well in my world. Morning cuddles are my happy place.
When I get stuck in "Worry" or "What if!?" or "IT'S EVERYWHERE, ISN'T IT!?!", I can always go back to my happy place. Crack open the door and wait for them to tiptoe in. Even as I think of it, I can feel their soft skin as they scooch closer to the warmth of my body. I can smell the conditioner in their hair as it brushes my cheek. Instantly, I am happy, at peace. I want to remember these moments always.
Take time to breathe them in so that you can remember your happy place always.
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