All We Can Do is Keep Breathing

A couple times when my lover called last week, I had to remind myself to be strong.  I worked hard not to let my voice waiver as she drew upon my strength. When we were out shopping, I couldn't hide behind the telephone and I think she caught a few of the tears as they fell, but I hugged her and told her I loved her anyways. 

Her calls brought me directly back to my experiences with Hospice. I knew her fears, her worries, and the ending.  I would hang up the phone with her and listen to the song "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michealson and pray. I'm not sure if my prayers mirrored theirs?  I prayed for a safe exit.  I prayed for her family to stand united in their decisions and act with love and grace.  

I think they were probably praying for another good day, another good week.  I remember the roller coaster ride.  At the top of the hill I would pray for another peak; just give me one more day when he can talk to me.  At the bottom of the hill I would pray to end the suffering; don't make me witness this another day, not another hour, not another minute. 

When I listened to my friend, I didn't pray for one more day.  I prayed for a quick, safe exit with minimal suffering. Death is tough, but the roller coaster makes it worse.  She was called on a couple separate occasions: "this is it, come say goodbye" and then her uncle would rally. 

I remember calling my brother.  You should come home, J, I think it's time.  And then my Dad would wake up and talk to me about when I was younger or ask for my kids or tell me to go to work. Everyone would fill with excitement and hope, but the ending doesn't change when you agree to Hospice care.

All I could do was keep breathing as she would tell me about her fears, her worries.  They were mine only a couple of years ago. I wanted to reach through the phone and make it better, less painful, less real. 

But some things you simply can't make better.  Not even with the most perfect words.  Not even if you shop for hours to find the most perfect gift.  Not with the most sincere hug. 

Because the most perfect words aren't coming from the right person.  The perfect gift isn't from the one you just lost.  Everything stands still, but it's different.

As Thursday quickly approaches, I have to remind myself, "All we can do is keep breathing".  I have to remind myself so that I can remind my friend and her family, my extended family, that all they can do is keep breathing.

I need my lover to know that even though I don't hug as good or as tight or as perfectly as her uncle, I'm always here for one when she needs it.  I'm even willing to share my uncle with her because he gives really good hugs, too.  She said that's what she'll miss the most: his hugs.  What a perfect thing to be remembered for!!  HUGS: the perfect words, the perfect gift, the perfect love, all wrapped into a warm embrace. 

I need her family to know that they're welcome to a hug from me anytime, too.  And that even if  I let a few tears escape when I hand out the hugs, that I'm lending you all my strength, too.  Because you did the same for me, until I could breathe again without reminding myself to do it.

In Tom's very words, from his obituary linked below, "Don't cry for me, I'm the lucky one. I get to go home. I didn't fight cancer for the past year. I lived my life to the fullest and enjoyed every day God gave me. I'm going to see my daughter Jennifer. My mom and dad will be there to greet me and I can finally find out if dad has been doing any farming in Heaven. I'll now have the time to chum around with my buddy Jack Wagner and see how much trouble he's gotten into. The hardest part of leaving is saying goodbye, after that it should be smooth sailing. If you want to see me again accept God's plan of salvation, it's the only way to enter into the gates of Heaven. I want every one of my family and friends there, so please don't let me down, it's going to be so great."

 

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/toledoblade/obituary.aspx?n=thomas-burdge&pid=161037244#fbLoggedOut

 

 

Until we get there,

All we can do is keep breathing.

 

Breathe in, breathe out, move on.

I have family and friends dealing with actual problems.  Addiction, depression, death, sadness. 

None of their stories are mine to tell.

This one is.

I get hives when I'm stressed.  When I'm stressed, I can't sleep.  When I can't sleep, my mind is unkind.  It wanders.  It's unsatisfied.  It doesn't turn off.  When I can't turn my mind off, it chases thoughts that I don't want to follow. My chest feels heavy and a hive appears.

Lately it's a vicious cycle.  I started working out again and that does seem to help some, but I'm still getting the hives.  The knot in my shoulder is still aching; a constant reminder that I'm unable to release all of the anxiety.

The thing is, I don't have one thing that I should be stressed about, yet the ugliness is still there.  I'm quick tempered with the kids and they're whiny because they haven't been sleeping well either.  I thought the weekend away with my girls would do the trick, but when I returned home, I was still snapping over nothing.

We were the normal busy all week, but instead of running myself ragged trying to maintain the house during the madness, I went to bed with the kids...every.single.night. except Thursday!  Instead of cleaning, I cuddled.  Instead of girls night with my girlfriends, I spent girls night with my baby girl.  Instead of laundry, I went to the park with my baby boy.  I helped a stranger with her baby at a baby shower.  I let tears fall in front of 500 people as I prayed for a cure. I squeezed my friends hand because I needed her to know that I'm here while she misses her loved one.  I went to church and listened to the wise words that my friend always offers.

And you know what?

All of us are feeling better now.

The monsters just needed their Mommy to be present. I just needed to relax.  Take a deep breath.  Pray.

Now that I'm feeling better, I'm more aware of the importance of rest. Good thing I'm feeling rested and ready to conquer the world...birthday sleepovers, family fun party, and family outings to finish off the birthday month!!

PS:  There are a couple people that think I can do it all.   Just so you know, I sent rice crispy treats in for Camille's birthday.  Plain.old.ricecrispytreatswithafewsprinklesontop.  Not a cute pinterest treat, not even cupcakes.  Melted butter and marshmallow mixed with cereal.  I plan to do the same for Keegan AND Lilly. (I bet the kids don't notice the difference;))

Source: katsdailyinspiration.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

Is it all an act?

This weekend was amazeballs. I skipped and hopped and twirled and laughed my way through a nine hour day of shopping. Admittedly, I was OVER it after 8 hours and started whining a little, but 9 hours is extreme, even for people that love to shop!

During conversation with a couple of my besties this weekend, I told them that I was going to learn to sew. (Not like actually create a piece of clothing (and certainly not make a freaking costume like Mel), but, you know, run-a-hem-in-pants type of sew;)). They said they would like to learn, too.

I said, "Well, great! When my friend comes over to teach me, you can come, too!"

I don't think she would like the "you" that you are around me. (and my other friend agreed)

Hmmmmph. (That's the sound of deflation)

I dismissed the statement quickly while hiding most of my sadness at that thought in, but hmmmmph, it's still there, in the back of my mind.

Well, crap! Do I act differently around different groups of friends? Why would she not like the "me" I am when I'm with another circle of friends? How do they think I act when I'm with other people?

So, now I'm trying to digest this thought. I like to think the answer is no, I don't act differently around different circles. BUT two of the people that know me better than most think that I do. Hmmmppph.

Both of the hoochies that I went shopping with are very good at knocking me down a few notches when I need it AND building me up when I need a step ladder. Either way, it's good to reflect and think about who you are and what you believe from time to time.

Is it an act? Am I being myself? Or the people pleaser that is often expected out of me? Who "gets" to see the real me? Who is the real me? 

In the end, the one looking back in the glass is who you end the day with; the one you have to be satisfied with when the day is done.  I'm still working on the person that I see when I look in the mirror. She still needs a lot of work, but I'm trying!

 

 

 

 

 

 

150

Recently, while hanging out with my lover, who certainly qualifies as one of my 150+ stable social relationships, she told me that she heard that any one person can only have 150 meaningful relationships.  She continued her statement with: "if this is true, you're effed!":)

Anyways, I looked it up:)

Per wikipedia: Dunbar's number is a suggested cognitive limit to the number of people with whom one can maintain stable social relationships.  These are relationships in which an individual knows who each person is, and how each person relates to every other person. No precise value has been proposed for Dunbar's number. It has been proposed to lie between 100 and 230, with a commonly used value of 150.

Ok, so hmmm, 150.  I'm going to base my experiment on a 2 week period of interaction via telephone, text, email, face to face or private messaging.  Not, scroll through, read the first sentence of your rant and become instantly annoyed with your complaining and move on type of interaction. Not simply "good morning" at church, but actual interaction, on a regular basis. 

I've had my phone for almost 2 weeks now (YAY!! I LOVE MY NEW PHONE:)).  I have messages from 70 different friends.  If you include my call history, there are another 10/15 that are not included in the text number first mentioned.  5 co-workers.  5/8 regular Bible Study attendees. 10/15 church friends that I talk to outside of church on a regular basis.  5 friends that I sit with each Monday at gymnastics. 15 family members that I talk to at least every two weeks. 5 out of state phone buddies that I bitch about life to on my commute to and from work.  Well, what about all the kids in my life, do I count them?  If you count my 10 closest friends, that adds about 25 kids to the mix.  What about the kids I force to talk to me every Sunday, add another 5 to the mix.

I reached the magic number 150 pretty easily and I didn't really have to exercise my brain. That's without looking at facebook (and we all know how I LOVE to fb;)) or my friends' family that I love and care for.  Or how about my extended family?  Or friends that I'm closer to during soccer or softball or volleyball?  What about the friends that you don't talk to forever and then pick up right where you left off?   Oh, that doesn't include my own husband and monsters;)

I think it's certainly possible to maintain more that 150 stable relationships at once.  Sometimes that means that you will be exhausted and might not want to attend a birthday party or a baby shower, but you do it anyways. Or heaven forbid, you might not want to visit with your very own family at the end of a long weekend, but you can't tell them no!

It's certainly not for everyone, but it's possible.

What do you think? Do you agree with Dunbar or do you have space in your heart for more than 150 people?

PS:  I completely understand the need to recharge and this is probably why I'm not actually "Effed"...even though I maintain more than 150 meaningful relationships.  I snuck a vacation day in today because I needed to recharge and reconnect.  I didn't tell any of my friends or family until that day that I was taking off to spend time with them.  I didn't make a million different plans.  I didn't play on my cool new phone.  I waited until everyone was sleeping to write. I simply focused on the relationships that are most important to me and I'm pretty sure they enjoyed my surprise vacation day as much as I did:) 

PPS: My lover and her family (even though she doesn't particularly want to try to disprove Dunbar's number) could use some prayers.  Since I love her, I'm more than willing to share my prayer warriors, (you know, the more than 150 of you that click on the blog when I post it to facebook;)).  Please pray for her aunts and uncles as they fight the super yucky diseases they are up against.

PPPS: I could use a few more prayers while we're on the subject! For a few children that I know dealing with tough family lives...and a few more for a facebook friend that is living her life here while her husband serves out his 39 weeks of service in foreign territory (praying nightly, Becky!).

When you need prayers, it's wonderful to know that you have more 150 meaningful prayers coming your way;)

PPPPS: Funny post about another persons attempt to disprove Dunbar's number (he failed...and I'm sure I would too if I tried his experiment:))
http://www.wired.com/underwire/2012/03/dunbars-number-facebook/

Two Years!

THANK you, from the very bottom of my broken heart!

Without the

Overwhelming support from all of

YOU,

Everything

About the last two years

Really would have

Sucked much worse.

 

I received many texts, emails, and calls from my caring friends this month.  The most recent text read: "I love you Laura Leigh!  A little extra in October!", but each one of the messages made me smile.  Each call and every message made me feel a little less alone in my struggle with October.  I cannot thank you all enough for all of the love and support that was lended to me when I needed it.

You can have it all back now. 

I'm ok.  I'm not bitter.  I'm not angry.  I no longer think of my Dad dying as a punishment of some sort.

When I think of him now, the majority of the memories bring a smile to my face.  The memories of his final days have slowly been replaced with loving moments that happened during the slow demise of my hero in his earthly form.  My biggest struggle now is witnessing my Mom when she's unable to mask her pain.  When I pull in my Uncle's driveway, I anxiously await my huge embrace, but it doesn't take my breath away anymore.  We both miss his fiesty, know it all, arguments, but we made it through the pain and didn't let it make us bitter.

I catch my breath more quickly these days.  I am a stronger person now than I was two years ago and even a year ago.  I know my Dad smiles down on me often. 

I still miss him.  I always will.  But, I don't need your strength anymore.  It's time to give someone else the space you've been holding for me.   Thank you so very much for lending it to me.  You will never know how much you all mean to me!


Hey Dad,

Some of things you might have missed when you're busy eating cake saturated in heavenly milk:

Coffee stained teeth...I am coffee drinker in my old age. Sandals until it snows...Keegan's going to be just like you. Pass the milk...we try to stop by and keep in contact when life allows us to. Eat the cream corn...Aaron does his best to make me eat my gross veggies. Don't forget your mom's birthday...I don't.

The blue, blue eyes that you passed to your most stubborn grandchild doesn't stop me from wanting to beat him when he's rotten.  He is enjoying preschool, all of his girlfriends, and whines a lot. He asks about you often. Sometimes dying in general, sometimes he tests his reasoning skills and attempts to connect how you are related to all of us. It's hard for Mom to answer all of his "Why's".

Say/do things without thinking of the consequence, apologize later...Camille MUST have inherited this from you, certainly not me!  She loves soccer, she even claims to be the best on her team.  She cares for her babies like they're real, she's an early riser, and she hates to leave my side.   She asks about you most of the time when she's tired and randomly remembers things about you that I'm completely shocked by.

Mr. Ugly Bear sleeps with Lilly every night, but she's more of a quiet comfort person already.  She rarely brings up the missing/confusing feelings of loss, but jumps up to hug Keegan when he tells us that he's sad and missing you.   She is empathetic and loving and giggly and fun and crazy and has fun doing any activity.  She looks just like me.
 

Sometimes life isn't fair, live it anyways...we are doing our best. 

Please know that on your angelversary I will be busy during the church service. The demands of the children under my supervision might be enough distraction that I'll be able to hold back the tears.  Even if  I'm able to maintain a steady breath and keep the tears behind the wall, I will still be missing you. I will also be thankful that you can breathe easy again.

Sometimes I can't believe it has ALREADY been two years.  Sometimes I can't believe it's ONLY been two years. 

Always, I wish I could pick up the phone one more time and hear your voice.  Always, when I smell a man wearing Obsession cologne, I look around as if you'll miraculously be there. Always, I wish I could watch you read to the kids one more time, even if you did mix up the words.  Always, I wish Lilly could throw up on you again.  Always, I wish you could sit in my backyard on my glider and watch them run and play and swing and shine bright like the sun, right next to me, watching proudly.  Always, I love you. Always, I miss you. 

Lots less tears, lots more smiles, lots and lots of love,

Laura Leigh

Oh, my babies have grown so much in two years, it's just crazy! They miss you too!

 

 

 

 

One Shelf at a Time: Busy Mom Against the World

Nope, still no Excel spreadsheet of our meals for the month, SDD!  Maybe if I was able to make more than mac and cheese I would pump your spreadsheet, but even if I promote your spreadsheet everyone will know that I don't actually use it;)

HOW TO SCHEDULE IN ONE-ON-ONE TIME:
One day a week (or more if you're an overachiever), wake one of your monsters up before the busyness of the day begins.  Lay in bed with them and hug them awake.  Ask them if they had any dreams, what they want in their lunch, if they could be any animal in the world, what would it be?  My monsters love it when I do this and Camille is about 10,000 easier to deal with in the morning when I wake her up this way!  Makes them feel special and loved and it only takes a few minutes.

ON ORGANIZATION:
Pack everything that doesn't need to be cold in the monsters lunch the night before.  This way you aren't tripping over them, trying to feed them breakfast, brush hair and teeth, put on shoes AND pack their lunches.  I try to do this, but it doesn't always happen.  I always mentally kick myself when I don't and I'm scrambling to pack lunches!


ON GETTING THINGS DONE:
Who really has time to clean the refrigerator out?  Nobody!  I read this little tip in a magazine a long time ago, but only started using it more recently...and it works! Rather than taking the time to clean the entire fridge at once, clean one shelf at a time.  I do it when I notice that a shelf is particularly empty.  I move the remaining items to another shelf and only wash the empty shelf.  I try to rotate the shelf that I clean each time.  Works in any cupboard/cabinet too!

Warning: sometimes it results in cleaning the entire refrigerator when you notice how dirty ALL of the shelves are.

HOW TO BE ON TIME:
When you're counting on your significant other to pull their weight in the process of getting out the door, be specific!!  Sometimes men don't mean to useless.  Sometimes they are oblivious to the fact that you need assistance.  Sometimes they are useless;)

This weekend we wanted to fit a lot of activities in on our mini vacation.  On Saturday we had a beautiful wedding to attend, but we wanted to hit the outlets, putt putt, play some games, put an advice tree together, swim AND eat before we started the wedding festivities.  Yet, it was important to leave on time because I was in the wedding.  In order to fit everything in, everyone had to pull their weight.  When I needed help getting the monsters dressed or needed them to leave the room while I put things together for the wedding, I asked for help-WITH SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS.  "Hey, would you mind drying Keegan off and helping him get dressed?"  This task is a little more difficult (and sometimes even with specific instructions, men struggle) when you stay up way too late and need to wake up your husband..."Hey, would you mind waking up because we need to pack, eat and leave in time for you to make it to work" sometimes doesn't work.   Sometimes you have to resort to annoying levels to accomplish the goal of timeliness. (Like waking up, putting on his shoes, and dragging him out of bed in order to make it in time). You know, whatever works;)

(Not my refrigerator...mine isn't this clean;))

First post in this series:
http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2012/09/busy-mom-conquers-world-1.html

When I'm not "ON"

When I'm not "on" everyone reacts to the negative energy.  By "on" I don't mean smiling, sunshine-y, pooping rainbows (because that doesn't happen all that often), but EVERYONE can tell by a simple glance what kind of mood I'm in.  And, as people have pointed out on several occasions, it sets the mood for others.  When I'm being impossible, I make it impossible for everyone else.  When I'm throwing up skittles, it's hard not to be happy with me.

Since I'm aware that my mood has a direct effect on the moods of the people around me, I try to maintain a positive outlook when I'm in public.  Actually, at home I'm the one that is generally bringing the positive energy, too.  Sometimes it can be exhausting.  Today I worked a long day at the office.   As I walked into the madness of preparing three monsters for a soccer game after rushing them to gymnastics and trying to force food down their throats, I maintained a happy disposition.  I asked my partner what was bothering him, since obviously by his disposition, he was frustrated...

He went on to tell me that the kids walked in, dropped everything where they were at, Keegan had an accident, and thanked me for leaving my coffee mugs in my bag for who knows how long. 

I tried to laugh it off.  I asked him if he ever left anything lay around the house?  I asked him if he ever left a project unfinished? I attempted to lift his spirits with joking and poking fun.

He responded that he wasn't in the mood for my playful banter and to just leave him alone. 

Then, I let his negative mood bring me down.  I shut down; went silent.  The off switch isn't my most attractive feature.  We drove to the game in silence.  I put on my happy face while 10 monsters jumped all over me and I tickled and twirled and fixed hair and hugged them.  After the game though, we drove home without words. I turned off again.

I washed and packed and he washed and packed, separately.  I put my 15 pairs of shoes in the proper spot in the correct closet.  I went on a hunt for any and all remaining coffee mugs in the car and washed them out without speaking a word. (I did refrain from a sarcastic remark like: "There, are you happy now?  All of my shit is put away.  Someday maybe I can be perfect like you!!" A couple years ago I would have said it;))

But before I turned in for bed, I asked him to please think about this next time he shrugs me off because I'm a slob and he's not in the mood to tolerate me: Hmmm, that's her Sunday School bag.  She did get all of the kids fed and out the door for 9am Sunday School and attended church while I slept in. As soon as she walked in the door from church I asked her to go to my parents. She set down her things, changed and went to my parents without even a sigh of exasperation even though she had yet to sit down at her house all weekend.  Maybe, she didn't remember the coffee mugs were in her bag?  Maybe, just maybe, I should give her the benefit of the doubt?

Now he is playing video games, his release.  I am writing, my release.  Tomorrow all will be well with the world, but since this is my only time to write this week I wanted to touch on how to stay positive.

Be aware that your mood effects those around you.  Try not to feed the negative energy, but instead bundle the negative energy up and toss it in the garbage.  If instead of shutting down, I would have walked away, wrapped the negativity up and tossed it in the garbage before I hopped in the van, I could have reminded him that I'm human and I'm sorry that I left the coffee cups in the Sunday School bag.  Most likely he would have responded calmly and lovingly to this approach and the remainder of the evening would have went much differently. 

Even when you're not "on", try to stay calm and positive...Live and Learn, I suppose.

What I look like when I'm not "on".