Kids...what's the matter with kids today?

Why can't they be like we were, perfect in every way?

I used to hate it when my mom sang that song!

Generally, I think I do a good job raising my children...GENERALLY! I have taught them to use please and thank you. I have taught them to share, be nice to others, pray, etc. My children have also picked up on things (mostly my attitude) that I could do without. They (Lilly especially) talk to Aaron using sarcasm when they should not, but they have watched me do it and consequently, they think it's alright. When they're tired they act like monsters and sometimes they fight, they are certainly not perfect.

This weekend we were in line behind an elderly woman at the grocery store. The cashier rang her out and I asked Lilly to help me carry her bags out to her car. She said no! I don't want to Mommy! She shied away when I extended my arm with a couple of light bags for her to hold. My precious little girl did not want to help this lady. I gave her the "you better do this now or you will not attend the party you think you're going to this afternoon" look and she reluctantly grabbed the bags. I wanted to grab her by the ear and make her carry every single bag to the ladies car! I was furious.

I am a service oriented person, I give of my time and services whenever possible. Why does my six year old pick up on my attitude and other attributes that I could do without so easily, but tell me no when I ask her to help an elderly woman? In Lilly's defense we had just spent an hour with another elderly lady in the community and she was polite, well spoken and fully engaged in the conversation the entire visit. Still, I could not wait to get my dear, sweet child in the car so that I could discuss her poor attitude.

Angrily, I asked her why she did not want to help the lady? I don't know her mom! She's a stranger. Ughhhhh...I was so mad at my daughter when she told me no! So mad. After I calmed down and listened to her reasoning I could understand her hesitation and why she was uncomfortable with my simple request. I explained that it is alright to help and talk to strangers when Mommy or Daddy asks her to talk to them. I explained that it would be very difficult for the elderly lady to make multiple trips out to her car to load her groceries and that we were there and more able to load the groceries for her. That it is always a good thing to help people in need, even if they are strangers.

After reflection, I can't help but to think about how sad it is that we have to teach our children not to talk to strangers. We have them so frightened because of all the possible bad outcomes if they do talk to strangers, that she didn't want to help me carry out groceries for a sweet old lady. I guess they can't be like we were (perfect in every way) because of the times we live in! Dangerous people are around every corner, so I'm certainly not going to give her the green light to talk to strangers, but hopefully she will be caring enough the next time I ask her to help carry the groceries...and to do it with a smile on her pretty little face. I suppose nothing is wrong with kids today, just the world we live in! Before instantly being infuriated with my childrens reactions to my requests, I should probably take the time to ask them why!

My will or Thy Will

Dear God - I surrender my life to you. Help me to change my will to Thy will.

Just as your Son Jesus was tempted for a 40 day period; just as Moses had two 40 day experiences on the mountain; just as Elijah fasted during a 40 day journey to hear You; just as You opened the windows of heaven and cleansed the earth during a 40 day rain, and as Jesus appeared during a 40 day span after His resurrection, I consecrate my life before You these 40 days for my change and victory over the seven deadly sins.

I ask for and expect to be a new person after this 40 day consecration. I ask for and expect that during these 40 days within my life, mind, and spirit, opposition, resistance, and challenge will come; but I will win, because I know that greater is He who is within me than he who is in the world.

I will overcome every temptation, opposition, doubt, resistance, challenge, and bad habit. With your help Dear God, I will succeed.

This is a lent prayer I found online that you are supposed to recite each day of lent! Having trouble with doubt today. Old perceptions die hard.

Not ready for some of the theology and meanings offered in the Bible yet, but thought this website was interesting. My favorite numbers since I was young have always been 12 and 7. Aaron's number is 9-the number of finality...weird to look at the meanings of numbers in the Bible. Numbers find me. Lilly's Birthday is on the same date as Aaron's great-grandma (she's 101 now!), she was born at 1:17 in room 711 in 11/17. I see numbers everywhere!

Biblical Numbers at work

3-11-11 Titus 2:1-15 and Maryellen's reflection was very influential today. I liked 3-5 the best. I wonder if Mrs. Hensch would still consider me irreverent? I try not to speak of others in a slanderous tone, but do like beer...hmmm. Maybe next year I will give up beer for lent!

3 Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Unthought Unknown

"There are things that you know, and they're in us, but we just haven't thought of them. But they're there, and we base decisions on them.” Eddie Vedder

When you stop to look and find the beauty in life, often you will find things that you knew to be true, but tried so hard not to believe, are. To discover all the unthought unknowns that are so much a part of each and every one of us, you have to take a step back from the crazy, busy world we live in. A step back from the planners filled with fun events, parties and obligations.

An example of unknown unthought could be if you're part of a book club. You all read the same book as the others in the group and have your own interpretations, but then as you come together as a group and express your thoughts on the book, lessons that really grabbed you, you often get an even deeper meaning. An unthought unknown interpretation of the book that was deep in your mind, but you didn't think about it until you connected with the others and started to discuss it. Until you used the others in your book club to connect the dots. If you would not have read the book at that time in your life, with the book group, those exact people, and shared your interpretation of the book, you would have never tied your life experiences together.

An unthought unknown for me was to feel God's love. Actually feel the warmth that He provides when you let Him into your heart.

I have always believed in God, always believed that Jesus died for our sins, but it wasn't until recently that I actually felt His love. The first time that I allowed myself to feel Him surround me with love. This feeling is addicting. I have heard people refer to this as "God is holding their hand" in times of need, or that He is "walking beside you or with you". My favorite stamp in my stamp collection that is currently collecting dust is "When you can't trust His hand, you can trust His heart"...yet another way to put it. I have used this stamp over and over again in the last seven years (I bought it when I was making wedding invitations) but have used it time and time again, for all different occasions.

Some people don't believe in fate or predetermined destiny, but if one believes that everything happens for a reason, doesn't one really believe in these things? If you truly believe in God; have faith, hope and love for the One above, don't you in turn believe in this predetermined destiny or fate? That God puts you in places and situations, at the exact time in your life, in order to best serve Him?

In order to survive in life, I have decided, made a conscious decision, to place all of my faith in God; believe that He puts me in places and situations, at the exact time, exact place to better serve Him. While I have a strong belief that He has a "master plan", I also understand that we make our own choices. That we make them with these unthought unknown thoughts factored in. That often we make choices that sometimes require forgiveness, but that He forgives us because we are His children.

Please make sure that you are strong enough when you decide to face whatever obstacle you are wanting to tackle before you attempt the feat. Often our mind protects us from things we are not ready to discover. The unthought unknowns that are there, but we are not yet ready to face. For example when I went to the funeral home for the first time, my mind didn't allow me to feel, well really anything. I was just there existing, a shell of me.

Recently, I have talked to a few of my best friends because I felt close to sinking and my brain is deep. I didn't know if I was ready or able to face the irony or cold, hard truth that is so often found in life. I didn't know if I would be able to get myself back out if I sunk and let my brain go to the widest and the deepest places, to the unknown unthought territory. I told her how I had been feeling and she told me she had no idea. I had put the wall up so many times, that she had no idea that I was struggling. After reflection, I was able to communicate all the ideas, crazy ironic circumstances, things I knew in my heart and form actual thoughts. Thoughts that will serve as my truth in order to survive...I was able to gain some perspective.

Tonight, as I reflect, I feel happy.

Peaceful.
Grateful.
Fulfilled.
Thankful.

Thankful because I discovered that I am strong enough to face the unthought unknowns. Thankful because I find comfort and purpose in the belief that God puts us in places and circumstances to best serve Him. Because of this, I know that I will not drown. Grateful to have reconnected with old friends like Amanda, Lindsay Sarah and others that I needed at this exact moment in time. Fulfilled and finding comfort in the fact that even though I didn't know it when I reached out to them, that I needed them. When I reached out to them, I thought they needed me. The unthought unknown is that we needed each other. Peaceful because, all's well that ends well. Happy because He knew that I could jump and one of two things would happen, He would catch me or I would learn to fly. He caught me, swooped me up into His loving arms...and I'm alright!

To a couple of my dearest friends that were worried for me, I am feeling strong and certain. (I know you were doubting me;))!

Think about the people in your life, connect the dots, think of the many reasons that He has trusted you with each and every person that He brings you in contact with. Think about what you are giving! Maybe they needed you. Maybe you needed them. The truth is, the unthought unknown is, that most likely you needed each other! Everyone has dreams, most of us even dream while we're awake. Our dreams usually include our happiness, keeping the ones we love safe and happy and making the future better for our children. The sooner we all acknowledge that this is a shared dream among most of our peers, the sooner we will have no rivals.

Love the crazy ironies God wants us to see. Take a deep breath and swallow whole the negatives, digest them, learn from them, add your spin. Embrace the shared dreams and choose the right path! The one cut by the moon for you to walk on! Feel His love.

Unthought unknown.

I love PJ!

All the thoughts you never see
You are always thinking
Brain is wide, the brain is deep
Oh, are you sinking?

Feel the path of every day
Which road you taking?
Breathing hard, making hay
Yeah, this is living

Look for love in evidence
That you're worth keeping
Swallowed whole in negatives
It's so sad and sickening

Feel the air up above
Oh, pool of blue sky
Fill the air up with love
All black with starlight

Feel the sky blanket you
With gems and rhinestones!
See the path cut by the moon
For you to walk on

For you to walk on...

Nothing left, nothing left
Nothing there, nothing here...
Nothing left, nothing left
Nothing there, nothing left...
Nothing left, nothing left
Nothing there, nothing here...

See the path cut by the moon
For you to walk on
See the waves on distant shores
Awaiting your arrival

Dream the dreams of other men
You'll be no one's rival
Dream the dreams of others then
You will be no one's rival

You will be no one's rival...

A distant time, a distant space
That's where we're living
A distant time, a distant place
So what ya giving?
What ya giving?

Bitter Post

"All I need to write is a bitter song, to make me better." Butterfly Boucher

When you're in a sad mood do you immediately turn to your collection of depressing songs and play them over and over again? I do!! Somehow listening to the sad songs eventually makes me feel better. At the Sarah concert, before she started singing one of her many depressing songs, she said that when she writes the sad songs it gives her this same release. The more devastating and heart wrenching the song is, the better she feels when she's done writing or singing it.

Normally my scribblings start out much darker (some would probably say scary) than they appear after they have been edited and posted here. You know, resemble more of the loud mouth, no filter, ME that you all know and love;) Before I get to the "spin" on the facts or the perception of beautiful life that you read, it is often WHY?, THIS SUCKS!, NOT FAIR!!

Today I'm going to attempt to explain the steps that I take that help me to put the "spin" that you read on here. How I work through the dark feelings and get back to loving life. The first thing that I think everyone needs to find is an outlet. Whether it is writing, listening to music, reading a book, working out, making crafts-just find something that you like to do. The time should be something that gives you time in your head or time with a couple of close friends that you can use as a sounding board. Take time to think about life and the circumstances that have led up to the point that you are at. When you are thinking "this isn't fair", be mad about it. When you think things can't possibly get any worse, be angry (but know that they probably can and usually when you think they can't, they do).

It is normal to cry and heaven forbid not smile every second of the day. It's ok to be upset! I understand that it is easier to simply put on your happy face and pretend that life is sunshine and rainbows, but everyone knows that is simply not how life works. You might even be surprised who will step up to the plate and hit the most homeruns in the listening friend homerun derby! You will never know if you are too afraid to expose yourself.

I will be the first to admit how much easier it is to put up the wall and hide behind the smiles, but then you never have a release of emotions. If you force the smile over and over again, the emotions stay buried and the more things you pile on top of them the harder it is to deal with them when you're finally ready to face them. If you just keep piling and piling, you're going to have to dig and dig even further, through more crap, when you eventually think you're ready to deal with whatever you buried in the first place.

Even worse than when you think you're ready to deal with the emotions, are the times when you don't want or plan to dig and something triggers the emotions when you aren't ready for them. This could be a tornado whistle; passing someone that wore the same cologne as someone special to you; hearing a song that brings you not just back to a memory, but so far back to a specific place that it feels like you are there; a friend going through a similar situation that brings up raw feelings that you didn't expect. Sometimes it is something as little as opening the mailbox to a letter that is addressed to a loved one that has passed away. No matter what the trigger is, it brings this flood of emotion and your head starts to spin. Instead of dealing with the sad or angry emotions as they come one by one, now a simple trigger has the possibility to start a tsunami. So, while burying the bad feelings can seem like the best solution at the time, it is often the recipe for disaster!

Since I'm not able to build a time machine and I can't go back and deal with some of the emotions that I have buried, I will just hope and pray that nothing triggers a tsunami while I'm chipping away at the bricks. Knowing that from here on out, I can do it differently makes me feel a little relief. It must be because I'm almost 30! (I am so going out of town for the entire month of September since I have made it a point to rub it in to each and every one of my friends that have already hit the milestone!) From here on out I can deal with the thoughts and emotions as they come or as soon as I have time to sort through them. If nothing else I can stop putting the thoughts on the top shelf, thinking maybe eventually they will take care of themselves (they don't).

Cry about the events or circumstances, be mad about them, don't tell Pastor Jen, but yell at God if you have to(she told me He can handle it;))! Tell a friend that you're upset. Be specific in your needs to your friend. If you just want someone to sit with you, tell them. If instead you want them to listen and shut the hell up, tell them! If you want them to hold your hand while you cry, pick the friend you feel most comfortable with and tell them!!

Then, when you have been mad about whatever it is that is making you angry long enough, hopefully you will feel comfortable with the circumstances. At peace with the events that have taken place, often leaving us feeling less than whole. Once you reach this point, you are at the point where you can put the "spin" on it!

When you look back at nearly any situation you can almost always find something good that you learned about yourself or your loved ones. You might have to look really, really hard! It might be that you didn't know that you were as strong as you are. Or that you didn't think you could handle as many titles as suddenly described you.

Maybe the lesson will come to you as you hear the wind whipping outside of your window, as you read a book or see the carefree smile of a child, but you have to keep your eyes open for the signs. You can't just remain in the "poor me" phase forever. Often life isn't sunshine and rainbows, but eventually you have to look beyond how bad you are feeling at any given time and find the silver lining. Find that sign that tells you that things are going to be alright.

For me it's writing bitter posts. The more bitter the better! Then after a few days, sometimes weeks, putting the spin on them to help me to release the bad emotion that tries so hard to creep in. Usually creeping in when you least expect it! Cry, be angry, find your release, look for the beautiful irony and put your spin on it!

"All real healing is painful, full of relinquishment and loss. Only death can give life; only darkness light." Thomas R. Steagald

Faith Hope and Love

1 Corinthians 13

1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Times 3 Times 10

When you can't trust His hand, you can trust His heart.

Wind

Whipping, swirling, howling, stopping, spinning, humming, whistling, dancing, singing...

Last night I went to my room after a wonderful, yet exhausting day with my children. I could barely finish a chapter in my book before I crashed, but when I woke up in the middle of the night I couldn't fall back to sleep. I was haunted by the sound of the wind. Listening to it crescendo with great intensity and then calm to a quiet hum outside my window, I couldn't help but compare the sounds I was hearing to life. Maybe it was because of the story I read on facebook minutes before calling it a night, maybe it was because of the recent tragedy in our small town, or maybe the book I am reading and how it applies to my life, but I couldn't shake the feeling.

My thoughts were consumed with comparing times of calm to times of insanity, standstills that I thought nothing could ever go wrong and points were I felt complete despair. So many times in life we are put in situations where we are confused, like the wind is swirling around our head, like a train whistle rather than a hum, the sound is intense and cannot be quieted.

I am positive that this is how the Wiechman family is feeling right now. Asking themselves will it ever slow down; stop swirling and spinning and let us rest? Who knows maybe even let us dance and sing? I do not know the family well but am aware that their young lives have been filled with tragedy and pain. Already having lost both parents and now one of their brothers is simply not fair. I hope they know that our hearts are breaking for them. The entire community is praying for them to make it through this difficult time and to keep the faith. In the few emails I have shared with Mark's family, they are proving the adage "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" completely true, even the first words of one of their written response to me. AMAZING!

They have been dealt a junk hand over and over again and they still hold strong in faith. They take a break when the wind subsides to attempt to explain death to their children even though they can barely choke out the words. At times like this it is very difficult to feel Him walking beside you. So I thought I'd share my friends story in case some of you aren't friends with them on facebook or in real life. In the event that you are questioning why!? In case, just maybe, you need a little caffeine in your faith!

As the cold winter winds were being replaced by the fresh spring breeze about four years ago, I walked with my friend in an attempt to, as she puts it, get some of the jiggles off. We had attempted, are currently on a quest, and will probably always continue to attempt this feat during our friendship, but the year I am writing about, she was pregnant.

Since she had previously miscarried, she was rightfully worried. When she would express her anxiety and concern to me, I would downplay her worries and tell her that everything was going to be fine. (That's what friends do, right?) As the pregnancy continued she continued to tell me that something was different. Over and over again, I would tell her she was crazy (yes, this is one of the situations you look back and think, hmmm, probably should have used different words, or simply listened more and talked less). But instead I continued to tell her everything would be fine, just relax and enjoy her pregnancy. When I got the call that she was in the hospital, way, way too early, I felt like I couldn't breathe. She was right, he is different. Nobody knew he would change the world.

When I went to visit her, I was terrified and not just for her unborn child. When they moved her to a better hospital, the same terror was in everyone's voice, written on their faces for the world to see. It was frightening to think of her delivering her baby so early. His lungs weren't going to be ready! He was too small! Why was this happening?!?

I will never forget walking hand in hand with two of my best friends down the hall in the NICU to meet their little miracle baby. I fought back all of my tears. I had to be brave for them. I had to believe with all my heart that this baby was going to be alright. I had been telling my friend for so long that everything was going to be ok, it just had to be! He had to be strong enough to make it through the surgery, for his lungs to develop, he just had to. So many people were praying for him to fight. So many people loved him well before they met him.

Then I received the next call. This dear sweet child, so tiny and small, has CF. Immediately I turned to the internet. I had to know everything about CF. I had to know that he could win this fight too! The literature is frightening. Immediately that "can't breathe" feeling was back. The wind was howling, we all prayed for miracles. We all prayed so very hard for the world to stop spinning for our friends and their miracle baby. Again, I went to the NICU. This time with my favorite fictional storybook in hand, "The Power of One". Carson was going to be a fighter; he was going to change the world, just like the character in the story did. I had to believe this. I prayed for it.

If you don't know the Slates family or Carson, you might not know that he is already changing the world. He's 3! He has already changed more lives than most people do in 90 years. He is special, he is one of a kind, he's a fighter.

Last night Carson moved his parents to tears. He walked up to Amy, pulled up his shirt and asked Amy what the line on his belly was? Amy explained that it was the scar from his surgery when he was first born. Carson started asking about the surgery and said "Mommy who was sitting & watching during the surgery?" He had his parents puzzled. They couldn't figure out what he was talking about! After a couple of minutes he said "It was Jesus watching me"!

Carson is 3! He is already changing the world. He is smart enough to realize that even when the wind is stinging cold, whirling and spinning you in every direction, when you don't feel like you can catch your breath, He is there. Watching over you, walking beside you, loving you. The wind only sings and dances with Carson these days, even if there is a tornado outside, even if he is taking his medicine or his never ending breathing treatments. Jesus is inside of him, the spirit lives in him.

Praying that spring comes soon and brings the gentle breeze for everyone out there that could use some relief. Take comfort in Carson's words. He is watching you, too!

Forever loved, forever living inside of those who love

I asked my friend if she needed me as she buries her Granny. Her Granny that she visited at least every week (putting me to shame!) in the nursing home. My friend is strong. She is the rock in her family. She told me that she would be ok and that I didn't need to skip work. The service planned was just a simple graveside service as her grandmother had requested. I know that she will be surrounded by her loving immediate family and her extended family that also doubles as some of her best friends. I know she'll be ok.

I forgot to think about if I might need her to hold my hand! Just thinking of the burial brings me back to burying my Dad. How the day of burial makes everything so final and real. Thinking of the pain her family is feeling with this change in family dynamic brings back my pain, still so fresh and new in my mind, and it is swirling like a tornado in my head.

When I went to the funeral home for the Harman's I didn't allow any of my emotions to surface. It was almost as if I was just a shell of myself as I walked in to the funeral home that we had greeted all of my dads friends and family just a couple months prior. Like it was second nature to buzz into the funeral home, go grab pizza and go home to play with the kids. I wasn't ready to feel those feelings. My mind couldn't grasp what I was feeling and I was still too numb to put the thoughts into feelings.

Today I feel so much pain for my lovely, strong, amazing friend and her family that has become my family over the many years of our forever friendship. I pray for strength and healing for her and her family on this day that is so very difficult in so many ways. I pray for my continued healing and look forward to tomorrow when I get to hug and cry with my friend and my extended family. I hope they know that I am there with them in spirit today and will continue to pray for them.

I hope that they will continue (or at least do better than my family) at keeping their Wednesday tradition alive. When the feeling of overwhelming loss is so new and breathtaking everyone agrees to keep the traditions alive and then in the busy world we live in, the gatherings are fewer and farther between. When the person/people that bounded everyone together is no longer living, it's easier to say, "how about next week"? Next week then turns into a month or two. The family dynamic has shifted and it takes hard work to keep the traditions alive. Sometimes the traditions are just too emotional to face.

Remember the feeling of this newness and keep the traditions alive. A much needed and long overdue visit with my family last night and my friends loss so new has caused the tornado in my head, but also brings back that need for tradition and familiarity that only family can provide. When people we love are taken from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. I love you Granny Betty. I love you Granny. I love you Daddy. Forever loved, forever living inside of those who love.