Bitter Post

"All I need to write is a bitter song, to make me better." Butterfly Boucher

When you're in a sad mood do you immediately turn to your collection of depressing songs and play them over and over again? I do!! Somehow listening to the sad songs eventually makes me feel better. At the Sarah concert, before she started singing one of her many depressing songs, she said that when she writes the sad songs it gives her this same release. The more devastating and heart wrenching the song is, the better she feels when she's done writing or singing it.

Normally my scribblings start out much darker (some would probably say scary) than they appear after they have been edited and posted here. You know, resemble more of the loud mouth, no filter, ME that you all know and love;) Before I get to the "spin" on the facts or the perception of beautiful life that you read, it is often WHY?, THIS SUCKS!, NOT FAIR!!

Today I'm going to attempt to explain the steps that I take that help me to put the "spin" that you read on here. How I work through the dark feelings and get back to loving life. The first thing that I think everyone needs to find is an outlet. Whether it is writing, listening to music, reading a book, working out, making crafts-just find something that you like to do. The time should be something that gives you time in your head or time with a couple of close friends that you can use as a sounding board. Take time to think about life and the circumstances that have led up to the point that you are at. When you are thinking "this isn't fair", be mad about it. When you think things can't possibly get any worse, be angry (but know that they probably can and usually when you think they can't, they do).

It is normal to cry and heaven forbid not smile every second of the day. It's ok to be upset! I understand that it is easier to simply put on your happy face and pretend that life is sunshine and rainbows, but everyone knows that is simply not how life works. You might even be surprised who will step up to the plate and hit the most homeruns in the listening friend homerun derby! You will never know if you are too afraid to expose yourself.

I will be the first to admit how much easier it is to put up the wall and hide behind the smiles, but then you never have a release of emotions. If you force the smile over and over again, the emotions stay buried and the more things you pile on top of them the harder it is to deal with them when you're finally ready to face them. If you just keep piling and piling, you're going to have to dig and dig even further, through more crap, when you eventually think you're ready to deal with whatever you buried in the first place.

Even worse than when you think you're ready to deal with the emotions, are the times when you don't want or plan to dig and something triggers the emotions when you aren't ready for them. This could be a tornado whistle; passing someone that wore the same cologne as someone special to you; hearing a song that brings you not just back to a memory, but so far back to a specific place that it feels like you are there; a friend going through a similar situation that brings up raw feelings that you didn't expect. Sometimes it is something as little as opening the mailbox to a letter that is addressed to a loved one that has passed away. No matter what the trigger is, it brings this flood of emotion and your head starts to spin. Instead of dealing with the sad or angry emotions as they come one by one, now a simple trigger has the possibility to start a tsunami. So, while burying the bad feelings can seem like the best solution at the time, it is often the recipe for disaster!

Since I'm not able to build a time machine and I can't go back and deal with some of the emotions that I have buried, I will just hope and pray that nothing triggers a tsunami while I'm chipping away at the bricks. Knowing that from here on out, I can do it differently makes me feel a little relief. It must be because I'm almost 30! (I am so going out of town for the entire month of September since I have made it a point to rub it in to each and every one of my friends that have already hit the milestone!) From here on out I can deal with the thoughts and emotions as they come or as soon as I have time to sort through them. If nothing else I can stop putting the thoughts on the top shelf, thinking maybe eventually they will take care of themselves (they don't).

Cry about the events or circumstances, be mad about them, don't tell Pastor Jen, but yell at God if you have to(she told me He can handle it;))! Tell a friend that you're upset. Be specific in your needs to your friend. If you just want someone to sit with you, tell them. If instead you want them to listen and shut the hell up, tell them! If you want them to hold your hand while you cry, pick the friend you feel most comfortable with and tell them!!

Then, when you have been mad about whatever it is that is making you angry long enough, hopefully you will feel comfortable with the circumstances. At peace with the events that have taken place, often leaving us feeling less than whole. Once you reach this point, you are at the point where you can put the "spin" on it!

When you look back at nearly any situation you can almost always find something good that you learned about yourself or your loved ones. You might have to look really, really hard! It might be that you didn't know that you were as strong as you are. Or that you didn't think you could handle as many titles as suddenly described you.

Maybe the lesson will come to you as you hear the wind whipping outside of your window, as you read a book or see the carefree smile of a child, but you have to keep your eyes open for the signs. You can't just remain in the "poor me" phase forever. Often life isn't sunshine and rainbows, but eventually you have to look beyond how bad you are feeling at any given time and find the silver lining. Find that sign that tells you that things are going to be alright.

For me it's writing bitter posts. The more bitter the better! Then after a few days, sometimes weeks, putting the spin on them to help me to release the bad emotion that tries so hard to creep in. Usually creeping in when you least expect it! Cry, be angry, find your release, look for the beautiful irony and put your spin on it!

"All real healing is painful, full of relinquishment and loss. Only death can give life; only darkness light." Thomas R. Steagald