Confines of Fear

Today is the halfway mark of radiation.  14 days in, 14 days to go.

I had coffee with one of my girlfriends today.  She was surprised when I told her that I still have a ways to go even AFTER radiation.  My BS friends had the same reaction last night.  I'm pretty sure I've blogged about it, but I'm not done with treatment after radiation.  I have another surgery coming more quickly than I care to admit.  I meet with a new member of my already large team of doctors on December 16th to discuss the risks and schedule a date for a hysterectomy (Mid Januaryish).  It will be sooner rather than later because they can not start me on Arimidex (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aromatase_inhibitor) until I'm postmenopausal.  Due to my blood clot history, the team of doctors does not want me to take tamoxifin.  Since I'm done having monsters, I didn't fight the issue.  I will take Arimidex for 10+ years because my cancer was estrogen positive (it likes estrogen)...and a few foob surgeries and pokes and prods forever...and fear.

Anyways, we started talking about it and I told her that most people find comfort in telling me: "You're almost there!  Almost done!" Normally, I smile and nod kindly.  Why ruin their day, ya know?

She said something that I didn't think of, but I do understand!  "Maybe everyone wants to put this all in a box...you know, like put it away and put it on the shelf."  Turn the page, end the chapter, end the book. 

Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could box up our fears and put them on the shelf?  Package it up in ugly wrapping paper and plain gray duct tape, maybe even take it to the corner of the attic? 

In reality though, we all live in the confines of fear.  If you would have asked me last year at this time what my biggest fear was, I would have told you, hands down that my paralyzing fear was that I would get cancer when my monsters are still young. For some reason, for many years, I have felt like a cancer diagnosis wasn't "what if" but more of a "when" for me.  This year, my biggest fear is that the cancer will win before I get the chance to raise them. 

Some people fear failure or fear making big decisions.  Some fears are irrational, but oh so real (I have a friend that can be put into a panic attack with the site of vomit...she has two monsters and she's scared of puke!?!). Whatever your fears are, you have to learn how to deal with them.  You can't just box them up and drag them to the attic. (I've tried this approach...unsuccessful)

My fear is that the cancer will win.  I have to live in the confines of that fear each and every day for the rest of my life.  Most days I would say that it makes me error on the side of overly grateful-which is an absolutely wonderful way to live your life.  (Fear is useful when you use the adrenaline to fight!)  Always looking for the positives, always seeing the sunshine through the clouds, a fear of mortality can bring this kind of outlook to the front of your thoughts quickly.  I'd venture to say that my diagnosis and hell that my body has been through hasn't tinted my rose color glasses too terribly bad, but the fear is still present.

I still wake up from nightmares where I'm trying to get back to a little boy who is calling to me, "MOMMY!" And I can see him, but he can't see me.  When I wake up, I can barely breathe.

I still freak out when I have a pain...ANYWHERE.  I fight the fear, take a couple Motrin and take deep breaths. We all live our lives in the confines of fear, but you choose how you will fight them.  

If it's easier to wrap up my fight when radiation is over, put it in an ugly box and shove it in a corner, please feel free to do so.  I will not be offended at all if that's how you fight your fear of losing me;)

I was taught to fight fear head on though.  So, I'll continue to struggle with my thoughts and *feelers on my blog and you can choose to read or skip over.  I am feeling more and more like myself, so hopefully I'll throw in a few fun stories if you continue to follow along as well;)

Radiation update: teeny tiny red so far.  Looks like I was out in the sun for a few hours without SPF...which is really bad-wear your suncreen!! The doctor said the burns, if I get them, will show up in the next week/two, but so far my skin looks healthy:)  I will admit that I'm more tired than usual, but since I have superhero powers, it's manageable;)  I'm eternally grateful that I am at this stage of treatment during the fall/winter because you can't really tell I have a smaller foob with scarves and sweaters.

How do you deal with your fear?  The confines I'm choosing to live in force me to see the good light and fight the bad.  



*one my friends calls feelings "feeler"s and I LOVE it:)

Ride through the dark shadows and find the light,




 

YES-YES-YES!

Aaron and I have been waiting for this day for a long time...Ok, Aaron didn't have to wait as long as I did.  Lilly still thinks I'm pretty awesome. Dad, well, not so much;) I let them have sleepovers when Dad is working the off shifts (one of the reasons they still think I'm cool) and the last afternoon shift he worked, we had a pajama party.

When I have a pajama party, I don't mean, dress your monsters in their pjs! I mean YOU wear your pjs too!! So, anywho, we spent the entire day decorating the house in our pajamas because, why get dressed when you're having a pajama party that night?!  (I did take a shower and put on clean pjs.  I mean, I'm stinky enough with this whole radiation business and only using TOMS deodorant that doesn't even come close to the protection a sweaty beast like myself needs!!)

So, all is fine and dandy until I tell the monsters to get their coats and shoes on.  We needed to grab the pizza before our friends in their pjs arrived.  I put on my shoes over my slipper socks and my coat on over my AWESOME orange and purple pajamas from Jacki.

Uh, Mom.  Are you SERIOUSLY going to wear that!?! OUT IN PUBLIC!?!

Yes, Lil.  We are just going to grab a pizza.  It's not a big deal.

WHAT IF YOU SEE SOMEONE!?!? You're in your PAJAMAS!!!

Uh, yeah, I know.  I've been in them all day.  Seriously, get in the car.  People are coming over in a few minutes!!

But, what if one of MY friends sees you!?!?

I'll make sure to remind them that I'm YOUR mother!!

So, she refused to go in to get the pizza with us.  Camille and Keegan agreed to tell her a few little fibs when we loaded back into the van.

Lilly, Theo and Alayna and Marissa and Macey and what's that other kids name, MOM? Devin! Yeah, him and all of your friends were there!

Nuh uh, no they were not.  Stop it.

Yeah, they were!  All of them were in there!!

They were Lil, I don't know what was going on in there.  Do you want to go in and ask them??  But, you are in your pjs, I don't know if you should!?!

I don't believe you and I still can't believe you wore your pajamas in public. (Complete with a dramatic eye roll and sigh)

YES! YES! YES!! Let the embarrassing begin!!  When I told my friends the story, one of them asked if I was going to start wearing hats like my mother did to ALL of my events...I'm not going to take this 'embarrassing my child' THAT far!! ;)

 

XOXO,

 

Cash, Check or Credit!?!

One of my friends reads this blog (and a book) where the author uses really crappy pictures to tell stories about her life...http://crappypictures.com/.  When my friend was telling me about her day, I told her she should send it to the author of the blog.  Then, I started thinking.  Well, that author doesn't know "My Evil Twin" (ET for short) and she probably has people sending her stories all of the time. What are the chances of her picking ET's bad day to illustrate? Who else has a blog?

 

So, here is my first (and most likely only) attempt at illustrating a story for your reading pleasure!!

 

ET is a SAHM.  She texts me throughout the day to remind me that she's taking a nap or shopping or joining another one of my SAHM  friends for tea and crumpets (I MOSTLY hate (and love) her.)  Well, this day wasn't unlike most days with ET.  She woke up happily chirping with the birds and thought, I think I'll take my "Redhead Offspring" (RO) to Soctso and pick up a ham and some toilet paper.

 

 ET and RO were singing and skipping through Soctso, enjoying their Mommy/Monster bonding time...Until ET had to make pee!

 

 

*ET really does have homeless hair and it looks like this illustration!!

 

 

ET thought to herself:  I'll grab the handicap stall.  There is more room and less chance of RO touching all of the nasty things in a public restroom.

 

As all women know, the handicap stall is the usually the first stall when you walk into the restroom...the one that IF a door were to open, the MOST onlookers would see.

 

RO is two years old. He has learned how to open doors in the disgusting public restroom. He was having so much fun skipping through the aisles of Soctso, he wanted out to explore. ET couldn't hold her bladder while RO was trying to escape...she piddled in her panties and pants.

*ET didn't poo (well, at least she didn't tell me if she dropped off the kids at the pool when she was telling me about her day), but usually when you use a public restroom there are poo stains like in my illustration.

 

She used a few of my favorite words to let RO know she was NOT pleased with his escape maneuver, but she was determined to get her Thanksgiving ham and some MUCH NEEDED toilet paper.

 

ET wasn't as pleasant during the remainder of the shopping trip.  I'm not sure if it was because birds were trying to nest in her homeless hair or the urine dripping down her legs??!

 

RO, we are almost done.  All we need to do is pay.  Please dear sweet child, stop saying "HOME".  ET wants to go home, too!!!

 

Sure, nice elderly man, you can go in front of us.  We see that you only have a couple items...WE DO TOO...but sure, go ahead!! I might strangle RO, but SURE GO RIGHT AHEAD!!!

Hello, overly friendly Soctso worker, how is your day?

 

Fine! Young homeless woman, do you have appropriate tender for your goods? We accept check and debit cards.

 

 

 

Yes, Sir.  Here is my debit card.  Oh, *&%#(!!!  Our account was recently hacked and this is a new card.  I might have to try the pin a couple times.

 

(Uh huh!  Sure!  I've heard this before.  This lady doesn't have any money.  The line is going to be out the door before she pays!!) Ok, give it a go!

 

Oh no!  That's not it.  I'm going to have to call my husband.  Please hold on a minute.  Ring Ring: Husband, please tell me that you're at home!?  I'm at Soctso and I don't have my pin and RO is throwing a tantrum and I'm close to losing it! WHAT?!?!? You're in outer space!?! I can't wait 20 minutes for you to return.  RO is screaming ET PHONE HOME AND I'M HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!!!

 

%$()*&$#%*(&

 

(%#)@$&**@*#

 

I HATE MY LIFE!!

 

 

WAHHHHH!!! CRYYY!!!!! Just keep the damn ham, I'm leaving!!!

 

What the heck just happened!?!?

 

I wish I could tell you that I was exaggerating this story.  However, I'm NOT! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

 

Cash or Check...NOT Credit,

 

 

Rosie Mittens Star-The ELFING Strong Elf

Sometimes traditions are forced on us...I think this is just one of God's ways of torturing blessing me.  Please feel free to check out our tradition on Thanksgiving here:  http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2011/11/fridays-friendly-fun-turkey-day.html 

(It is such a nightmare blessing!!) *I honestly think it's funny and since it's torture for the men, it secretly makes me love it that we have to play pilgrims and Indians:))

The day after thanksgiving, I GET to start my "Elf on the Shelf" tradition!!  It is SUCH a tragedy blessing!! Thanks again, Deb.  My poor, deprived, severely lacking monsters will one day understand that you brought this torture blessing into our lives and will forever be grateful!! ;)

This year, I'm getting a head start! Please feel free to copy and edit if you need an idea or jump start.  Don't look to the blog or my fb page for future Elf inspiration, because I'm lucky if I remember to move ELFING Rosie, let alone let her play pranks that I  would have to clean up!!

But, I try to play along when I remember...

Dear Strong Children,

 

As you know, it has been a very busy year!  You all have done a wonderful job taking care of your Mommy and keeping your Daddy on track with all of your activities!  The big guy (that’s Santa to you!) and I have been checking in on you in between building toys, making candy and spreading holiday cheer and we are very pleased!

 

Honestly though, I’m glad to be back at your house again!  It’s so much warmer than at the North Pole!  When you’re nestled all snug in your beds, while visions of sugar-plums dance in your heads, I’ll be reporting back to Santa each night at the North Pole.  So be good to each other; no kicking or screaming, no hitting or yelling, no tattling or taunting. 

 

If I’m going to be living here for the next month or so, I’m going to need the three of you to work on picking up your toys.  If you expect us to work hard all year helping Santa build your toys, we need you to take care of them!  This year, Santa has asked us to encourage children to donate one of your used toys that you don’t use anymore.  We will find a new home for them so that another child can enjoy them as you once did! You’re welcome to donate more than one if you want to!

One last thing!! We need to talk about this whole “Holiday Cheer”, or dare I say, LACK of Holiday Cheer you guys have going on here!  You need to help spread some cheer and make this place into a house that I can live in!!  Maybe some snowflakes on the windows and don’t you guys have a nativity scene!?!!

I’m so happy to be back!! 

Remember, Santa is always watching!

Love,

Rosie Mittens Star

 

 

 

I simply CAN NOT wait to forget to move Rosie around and have to lie because I can't remember to move the #%*$#)@*%#@)&% Elf!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving and Bring on the HOLY-day cheer!!


 

sMiLe!

I had a really rough week.  Even though I was positive and sunshine-y on facebook, I had a really LONG week. 

I hate the unknown. I was stressed about starting another type of treatment. When I'm stressed, I can't turn my mind off and sleep eludes me.  Even though the first treatment is over, I feel like I'm waiting for doomsday.  When will the burn appear?  Am I applying lotion often enough? Please, dear loving God, do not let skin breakdown occur.  Please God, let me make it through this radiation without lymphodema (Andre the Giant arm).

After the most amazing weekend with my love, by Monday we were already struggling to feel connected.  Marriage takes work, people.  Lots AND LOTS of hard work.  Every.single.day.  After we talked about why I am sometimes impossible, we are even closer to each other. (Yes, I fight with Aaron, my mom and one of my best friends...well, more than I'll admit to in a blog, that's for sure;) And I'm pretty sure it's ALWAYS their fault, not mine:))   It's worth the work, always.  But, it is hard work! (Especially when I think I'm like Mary Poppins: practically perfect in every way;))

During this treatment, I'm working more than I did during chemo.  I'm catching up, but getting back into the every day grind is exhausting and keeping up with the kids and house...well...

LIFE...sometimes life is just hard.

I woke up this morning and after I ran to get milk (because we failed to realize we were out of MILK...when you have 3 monsters, you need MILK...how do you not know you're out of milk before it's time for cereal!?!) and blasted PJ in the van (because our @$&#%#)@&%$ car still isn't running), I thought to myself: IT'S FRIDAY!  I made it. And I took a deep breath and smiled. 

I walked into radiation and greeted the other patients with a smile this morning (after obnoxiously beeping and yelling at one of my nurse friends in the parking lot.  Sorry Stacey, I REALLY like my car horn, so be on high alert the next month or so when you're walking into work;)).

Anyways, some of the patients in the cancer center are scared out of their mind with a recent diagnosis dominating each and every thought.  Some of them are nearing the finish line, crossing off each day, one small victory at a time. Some of them are nervously waiting on the scan results to find out if the hell they went through worked.

I smiled at all of them and I was thankful that I took the time to look at them today.  Today was the first day that I looked at them.  Earlier this week, I walked in with my head down and made every attempt not to make eye contact.  Sometimes I feel like I have no more to give. Like my heart can't take another worry or struggle, so I hide and hibernate. Today I greeted them with good morning and a smile.

They called me back to start my treatment and said that I had a package up front...I thought, great, what now!?!  But, it was the sweetest card and goodies from a friend.  JUST BECAUSE.  Just because she wanted me to know that she was there and she cares.  Her heart is open.  I thought to myself, "Ok, God, I get it.  Wake up and smell the (Starbucks) coffee, my heart is never too full and I can always give my worries over to You!"

I realized, once again, there is always more room in your heart.  There isn't a limit on the amount of love you are capable of; not a maximum amount of empathy or sympathy you can give. Sharing my cookies with the staff that is coming in on Sunday to treat me was much easier than looking in the eyes of the other patients (I'm still unable to button most of my work attire and as you can see below, my face is starting to show the additional poundage, too...I need to share the cookies!!).  But, my heart can handle looking at their pain if I open it to them.  My smile might be the only one they see today and life is hard. Offering a smile is the very least I can do for the other patients that are trying to be strong. It might not be Starbucks, but it's something everyone can do.  It's free and it's simple and your heart can handle it, even when life is hard.  Often, when they return the smile, your heart will grow even bigger.

Here's one for you today!!

Smile today.  It is a gift.

XOXO,

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MumboJumboMessofaWeek

It's not possible to form actual thoughts and paragraphs this week.  My brain is on overload.  I forgot to set out the money for the housekeeper-SECOND WEEK IN A ROW! You see, Marci gave me the money and all I have to do is set it out each week from the cleaning fairies.  I remembered to bring up the OVERFLOWING basket of clean clothes to fold...I SHOULD have remembered to set out the money.  But, I forgot.

I also forgot to pack Keegan's lunch!!  Just Keegan's.  I packed lunches for the girls and had them all ready to go...OH YEAH!  I have a third child!! OOOPPSS!! (Don't worry, Ang, I didn't make him eat all of his supper last night and I remembered on my way to treatment and Mimi was packing him a lunch.  Please don't call Child Services on me today;))

Today we have Bible Study.  Don't expect too much today since it's my turn to lead and well, I can't concentrate on anything long enough to...oh except this really awesome book I'm reading.  I love Glennon.  She's my long lost soul mate.  But anyways, I have stuff printed out for BS if we get stuck and don't have anything to discuss.  Feel free to join us tonight at 7pm at my clean, but not paid for house!

I would like to say that I'm busy planning a birthday party for my monsters, but the truth of THAT matter is that half of the invites haven't even been passed out yet and the party is Saturday.  Instead I texted the moms of the monsters that I'm too lazy to deliver the very lame, black and white, uncreative invitation that I printed out in a hurry.  I ordered cookie cakes from the restaurant where I'm a regular (ICE...Love ICE restaurant.  They treat me like family;)) at so that I didn't have to add another stop and actually talk to someone I don't know and I'm having it at the bowling alley so I can kind of relax and let the monsters do...well whatever the hell they want to do!

It's just a mumbojumbomessofaweek, but I know that a few blog followers are wondering what the heck is up with my treatment because they're too cool for facebook.  So, I started radiation on Monday.  28 treatments, 5 days a week...this week I get to add a day and visit St. Charles on Sunday morning as well, but in return they're giving me a 4 day break for Thanksgiving!! YAY!

This was my fb post from Monday morning:

Day 18: Life experiences just in time for life! Right before I was diagnosed, I was in the best shape I've been in since having Lilly. I was eating the right foods, working out regularly AND had recently started YOGA!! Thankfully, breathing techniques that I learned in yoga have helped tremendously with PATIENCE! Arrive at 8am. Wait til 8:15am for doc to arrive. Undress and lay on cold table.... Machine will not turn on (PERSPECTIVE: people lost lives, homes and more during the storm-technical difficulties due to the storm are insignificant, breathe Laura). Redress and wait some more. Undress and lay on the cold table for 30min in the same position. (Breathe, Laura, this too shall pass). Oh wait, we need blood! Student phlebotomist (there is a such thing as TOO NICE!! I SHOULD have said no thank you, I've had enough pokes). Sure, you can try one time! Dig around for a while until experienced blood sucker realizes that I might lose it soon!

Thankful for life experiences just in time for life! First radiation treatment in the books! Ready to get back to yoga!! Calling doctor for approval today!

 

Yesterday and today were MUCH better.  By much, I mean I was in and out of the radiation and at work by 8:30am and they don't open until 8am!  YIPPEE!! 

 

I'm not enjoying the no deodorant until noon...I'm a nervous sweater so by noon I'm already a disaster.  I don't particularly enjoy lathering up with Eucerin two times a day, but so far this treatment is just a pain in the butt.  It's not painful and so far I don't have any side effects.  It's just time consuming and who has time for cancer!?!   NOT ME!!

 

I'm not approved for yoga yet...waaaaa. I'm ready to go back, but I don't really want to pop my implant out or anything so I'm listening.  He yelled at me for completing a few of the exercises that I still need to back off of...namely, push ups.  NO PROBLEM, DOC.  I hate them anyways, but my trainer friends make me...can you call them and tell them I can't do them!? 

 

So, that's the update...it's just a mumbojumbomessofaweek.  If all goes as planned, I will have my final radiation treatment December 27th!

 

OOOOOOOO, I almost forgot...mostly because it's been a mumbojumbomessofaweek!!  I went to a Sarah concert this weekend and it was AMAZING!! SIMPLY AMAZING!! One of my besties, Syndi Lou Hou, bought me tickets a few months ago so that I had something to look forward to after my surgery.  It was everything I could have asked for and more!! I cried during (TOO) many of the songs, I held hands with my best friend during the song that Mrs. Depner sang at our wedding and we found a Jojo's type bar in Dayton after the concert.  I didn't know anyone, I didn't have to talk to anyone other than my bearded man and I was able to soak up so much of the love that fills the air when you're at a Sarah concert.  Oh, and I didn't have any responsibilities either since my momma watched the monsters and we enjoyed a peaceful sleep at a hotel with no wake up call.  Everyone needs a recharge...maybe I can do it again this weekend;)

 

 

 

Cheers to fresh starts and new beginnings.  Crap, it's only Wednesday!!  Cheers to weeks that are just a big bunch of mumbojumbo and surviving them anyways!!

 

XOXO,

 

Listen with your Heart

Camille walked in the house tonight after GNC and was visibly upset.  I scooped her up and cuddled her in a blanket on the couch.  She broke down sobbing. 

I mouthed to Lilly: WHAT HAPPENED?? 

With a nonchalant shrug she mouthed back: She answered a question wrong.

I let Camille cry for a good long time thinking that she just needed to have a good cry.  (We all need a good cry sometimes, right?)  She calmed down and I thought to myself, maybe she's just tired?  She was awake early this morning.

I asked her what was wrong and she started sobbing again.  I held her closer thinking she just needed a few extra cuddles. THANKFULLY, tonight I took the time to cuddle her up and didn't dismiss her like I sometimes do when I'm caught in "the busy".

She finally composed herself and we started the shower. 

Mommy, are you dying?  Sally said you're dying.

UGH...instant stomach drop and heart racing and head pounding.  I thought I prepared myself for this!  Shortly after I was diagnosed, a survivor told me a similar story.  But, honestly, I'm growing hair back.  I'm going to workout with my girlfriends for the first time in six months.  I have been working nearly full time.  I didn't expect this question NOW.

Oh, Cami, I'm not dying.  Hopefully not for a very, very long time.  Is that why you were so upset when you walked in the house and saw me?  Honey, I'm here.  I'm fine.

And she hugged me the biggest, sweetest hug in the entire world. Good, Mommy.  I don't want you to die.

And I held back the tears long enough to wrap her tight, get her dressed, and escape to the spare bedroom and type this quick little reminder to listen with your heart.

Those precious little minds are always thinking, always turning, always wondering.  When you think to yourself  they're just tired, get it together.  Maybe, just maybe they're struggling with big, adult, life issues. 

Listen with your heart.

Getting a few extra cuddles in tonight.  Please join me.