sMiLe!

I had a really rough week.  Even though I was positive and sunshine-y on facebook, I had a really LONG week. 

I hate the unknown. I was stressed about starting another type of treatment. When I'm stressed, I can't turn my mind off and sleep eludes me.  Even though the first treatment is over, I feel like I'm waiting for doomsday.  When will the burn appear?  Am I applying lotion often enough? Please, dear loving God, do not let skin breakdown occur.  Please God, let me make it through this radiation without lymphodema (Andre the Giant arm).

After the most amazing weekend with my love, by Monday we were already struggling to feel connected.  Marriage takes work, people.  Lots AND LOTS of hard work.  Every.single.day.  After we talked about why I am sometimes impossible, we are even closer to each other. (Yes, I fight with Aaron, my mom and one of my best friends...well, more than I'll admit to in a blog, that's for sure;) And I'm pretty sure it's ALWAYS their fault, not mine:))   It's worth the work, always.  But, it is hard work! (Especially when I think I'm like Mary Poppins: practically perfect in every way;))

During this treatment, I'm working more than I did during chemo.  I'm catching up, but getting back into the every day grind is exhausting and keeping up with the kids and house...well...

LIFE...sometimes life is just hard.

I woke up this morning and after I ran to get milk (because we failed to realize we were out of MILK...when you have 3 monsters, you need MILK...how do you not know you're out of milk before it's time for cereal!?!) and blasted PJ in the van (because our @$&#%#)@&%$ car still isn't running), I thought to myself: IT'S FRIDAY!  I made it. And I took a deep breath and smiled. 

I walked into radiation and greeted the other patients with a smile this morning (after obnoxiously beeping and yelling at one of my nurse friends in the parking lot.  Sorry Stacey, I REALLY like my car horn, so be on high alert the next month or so when you're walking into work;)).

Anyways, some of the patients in the cancer center are scared out of their mind with a recent diagnosis dominating each and every thought.  Some of them are nearing the finish line, crossing off each day, one small victory at a time. Some of them are nervously waiting on the scan results to find out if the hell they went through worked.

I smiled at all of them and I was thankful that I took the time to look at them today.  Today was the first day that I looked at them.  Earlier this week, I walked in with my head down and made every attempt not to make eye contact.  Sometimes I feel like I have no more to give. Like my heart can't take another worry or struggle, so I hide and hibernate. Today I greeted them with good morning and a smile.

They called me back to start my treatment and said that I had a package up front...I thought, great, what now!?!  But, it was the sweetest card and goodies from a friend.  JUST BECAUSE.  Just because she wanted me to know that she was there and she cares.  Her heart is open.  I thought to myself, "Ok, God, I get it.  Wake up and smell the (Starbucks) coffee, my heart is never too full and I can always give my worries over to You!"

I realized, once again, there is always more room in your heart.  There isn't a limit on the amount of love you are capable of; not a maximum amount of empathy or sympathy you can give. Sharing my cookies with the staff that is coming in on Sunday to treat me was much easier than looking in the eyes of the other patients (I'm still unable to button most of my work attire and as you can see below, my face is starting to show the additional poundage, too...I need to share the cookies!!).  But, my heart can handle looking at their pain if I open it to them.  My smile might be the only one they see today and life is hard. Offering a smile is the very least I can do for the other patients that are trying to be strong. It might not be Starbucks, but it's something everyone can do.  It's free and it's simple and your heart can handle it, even when life is hard.  Often, when they return the smile, your heart will grow even bigger.

Here's one for you today!!

Smile today.  It is a gift.

XOXO,

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