I choose Him

Game time

who wins

what's the prize

all chips in

 

so much to gain

so much to lose

in this game of life

 we all must choose

 

defeat or on top

whatever your fate

make the best choices

choose love, not hate

 

stop running in circles

just do your best

in all that you do

and in every mess

 

win or lose

there is only One

when all of it's over

and everything's done

 

I choose Him

He wants us to win

make the right decisions

 turn away from sin

 

I choose Him

the One who knows best

yet forgives when we lose

and loves us nevertheless

 

 

 

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Days Without Number

Jeremiah 2:32

New International Version (NIV)

³² Does a young woman forget her jewelry,
a bride her wedding ornaments?
Yet my people have forgotten me,
days without number.

 

Have you ever went through the motions for an entire day or a week or a month or a year or an entire season in your life?  Doing all of the things that you need to do, all that you're expected to do, often more, but you're too busy to stop and notice? Continuing to fulfill all obligations while cursing the activities and errands and meetings. So caught up in the list of "to-do's" that you're unable to contribute the way you're supposed to?  Unable to share the good pieces of you because you're focused on the next obligation or the next thing on the list?  Instead of sharing your light, the people you are with are left with the dark pieces of you.  What's left; what remains when you use your light to focus on 'what's next' or 'what time is it' or 'what can I wear' instead of being present.

 

I'm really trying to slow down and be more present. I'm consciously saying 'no' more often in attempt to live a more simple life.  Less rush here and fly there like I was doing and more eye to eye conversations with little monsters. I'm saying "no" to the time consuming, always running, self-induced activities that I try to maintain and balance. (I am really good at balancing and maintaining them, I'm not going to pretend that I'm not.) 

Yet I want more; I want to BE there for all of the moments and LIVE them, too.  We've all heard the slogan: make the days count. I want to live and breathe with purpose.  For Him.  I want to do more than just pull the strings and make the characters in the play move from behind the scenes.  No longer do I want days without numbers.  I want to be full and also to fill.  I understand that to be full I need Him.  I know that to fill, I need Him.

 

I need to listen to His whispers

on that chronic Christmas Eve.

I need to know that He forgives

when I stole something of His

that should've been free.

 

One of my friends has pointed out to me on a few occasions that my mood often sets the mood for others.  He can tell when I'm distant and not focused.  I suspect others can tell as well, but he's brave enough to point it out.  Usually he tries to restore my energy by giving me some of his positive energy: a high five, a crazy face, a "are you ok?" under his breath.  Sometimes that works; sometimes that's enough.  Sometimes he gives up and lets me live in my distant universe and waits until the next time he runs into me to ask how it was in my alternate world.

 

I understand that I'm like this when I have too many things going on at one time.  Usually it's not even too many activities.  More often it's too many thoughts racing through my mind.  I chase them and attempt to tackle them and try to connect them and it's exhausting.  But, it's what I know.  It's comfortable.

 

I also understand that in order to grow, it's often required to be uncomfortable. 

 

Honestly, the 'weekends in' are kind of difficult for me; a little uncomfortable.  I'm used to the busy, the rush, the feeling of being needed and wanted.  I have to really concentrate on being present when my mind starts to chase the thoughts.  I have to really concentrate on putting a number on the day, each and every day.  So that I am able to use the gifts He blessed me with each day.  Direct my thoughts to the important task at hand, whatever it might be.   Looking Cami in the eye 10,000 times and reassuring her that I love her and she's wonderful and perfect even if she's not brave enough to complete a tumbling class or sharing my good light with my volleyball buddies on the court instead of bringing all of my wandering thoughts to the game.

 

Sometimes it's easier to do what you know, what you've done all your life, days without number. But, I enjoy numbers.  I want my days to have numbers.

 

 

 

Connect the dots:  The yoga instructor played this song tonight.  I couldn't get it out of my head.  Looked up the video and the eye with flames was just too perfect for this song, at this season in my life.  It was only a couple weeks ago when I posted a picture of my broken eye.  I started my true faith journey on that chronic Christmas eve. I've been struggling with days without number.  Every day I feel a deeper calling and need to spread light.   I want to make something beautiful.
 

Conversations with Crackheads: Ma-weed

Me: Hey Twinkie, what time are we leaving?

Jess: I was thinking 730ish since it doesn't start til 8, but if you old bittys need to leave earlier than that, we can:) 

Ok, come over anytime after 6:30.  We don't care when we leave:P  Is Bryan coming to play with us?

He's debating, but he was pretty excited when I told him you guys were riding with us.

Good:)  I like to make fun of him!  Tell him I'm wearing tight jeans!  He has to come!

Haha!  He is fun to make fun of!  I am fun to make fun of, too.  That's why we are ma-weed!  He better not flip you upside down in to the tight jeans. They might rip!!

Love Ma-weed!  It reminds me of Miracle Max from the Princess Bride:)

I know it!  Did I tell you my uncle did an entire scene from that movie during the wedding rehearsal at the church?  Mawage...mawage is what bwings us togetha...hahaha...he talks like I spell!!

Bahaha!  I love you:) I threw a princess bride wedding shower for Laine:)  I love that he read that at the rehearsal!!

I know!! I think it threw PJ off a bit, but it was freaking awesome!  So the day of the wedding when he stepped up to do the reading, he winked at me and I had the hardest time not busting up :)

That's so cool:)  I don't think it would throw Jen...she already knows we're crackheads!! Now I'm scurred to wear my tight jeans though!! Might have to wear my mom jeans in fear of being bent over!

She ended up thinking it was funny, but her face at first was what made me laugh:)  I know it's going to be fun!  Maybe you should bring a spare pair of pants just in case!

I think it's more likely I'll piddle in my pants than split them!!

If you pee your pants, I'll just splash some water on mine so you don't fell left out!

Cracking up!! My co-workers probably think I really do smoke crack!!

You don't smoke crack!?!  Man, tonight's not going to be as fun as I thought it was!

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Find the grace...step away from the drama!

It's REALLY easy to find characteristics and traits in others that DRIVE US CRAZY. 

One of the secretaries at my office will not do the dishes.  REFUSES. She's been here for four months and I'm fairly confident that she hasn't done them once.  She can hear when the other secretary does them.  She can hear when I do them.  Does she think she's too good to do them?  Does she think she does more work than us?  Who knows?  I could easily let this eat at me.  I could feed the negative thoughts when the other secretary vents to me. 

Instead I've made a conscience decision to step away from the drama.  When the other secretary vents, I let her get it all out and then tell her 'thank you for doing the dishes'.  I usually continue to praise her and tell her that we really do appreciate that she helps out with the break room duties.  She feels appreciated and we both end up laughing because I refer to her as Cinderella.  I do the dishes on the days she isn't in the office.  It's not hard, it doesn't take much effort and normally I enjoy the break from my office.  Find the grace, step away from the drama.

When it's something I feel more passionately about, I have to use more focus to find the grace. 

For example, take a loaded question: Can you believe the way he-she-they acted?

It is SOOOOO easy to respond to this question with drama: No, can you?!  What is his-her-their deal?  Why does he-she or do they need to act like that? 

Practicing:  Oh, whatever, maybe they had a bad day (exhale)!  Do you have any fun plans for the weekend (inhale)?

Inhale the positive energy, exhale the drama! (Yes, I am really liking yoga AND I have successfully completed TWO 1.5 hour classes QUIETLY...no talking whatsoever!)

One of my friends posted a challenge to find three graces found in friends.  What a kick ass challenge!  I've been trying to find the good in others for a while now.  When you find all of the good things that others have to offer, it is much easier to let the characteristics that drive you batty, go! Poof, they're gone, you only see the person and their good light!

The secretary that doesn't like to do the dishes LOVES to talk about her grandbabies.  When she talks about them, her face lights up and she's a different person; a more lovable, kind soul that is full of grace.  When I don't want to do the dishes, I make it a point to ask her about her grandchildren after I've washed the last glass...and I don't feel bitter that I washed the glasses when I see the good light.

I'm going to try this with all of the wonderful people in my life...join me?




 

Conversations with Crackheads: Sexy is Hard Work

Crackhead: I attempted to RSVP for the 2 of us.  I'll let you know.

Me: Okie Dokie!

I also attempted to braid my hair this morning.  It was not pretty.

LOL!  You are second person to tell me that this week!

Maybe you should offer braiding lessons?

I can attempt to teach you anytime. For free:P Are you shopping at all before Saturday?  I need a mat.

Probably I need a birthday present for X.  Why don't you have Ben pick one up at Meijer?

Yeah, I could have Ben get one! Great idea! :)

I'm not only sexy- I'm smart too!!

Bahaha-did you just choke?

Hehe:) Love it!

Not only did I fail miserably at braiding my hair, I then did an at home Keratin treatment and I now look like I washed my hair in BABY OIL!!

Bahahaha!!! Are you shitting me?  You're toooooo much:)

Not shitting you...did it just before I had to be in Y's class...so I sprayed the heck out of it with dry shampoo:) and teased it!

Bahahah!! I'm so proud to be your friend!!!

And.......it lasts 6 WASHES!!!!

If you have thin hair, you have to use less;)

NO SHIT!!  I figured that out now!

Sexy is hard work!!!

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Cami Cammers

When we had the monsters, the thought of one of them being shy NEVER crossed my mind.  I assumed that they would all be like me: outgoing, loud, obnoxious...EXTROVERTS.

First, I had Lilly.  Even when she was in diapers we couldn't shut her up!  She will talk to anyone.  When she makes her list of people to invite for a party, it's a scroll of never ending names.  Some monsters that I don't even know show up on the list.   When a few girls were talking about her party in class, she came home crying because she didn't want any of her classmates to feel bad because they weren't invited.  Her friends think she's wild and crazy...she is wild and crazy.  She's not scared to stand and speak or sing in front of a crowd.

I know how to handle Lilly.  She is just like me!

And then I had Camille.  And she's attached. And she hides behind my legs when people try to talk to her.  And she is scared to try new things. And she's shy. And she needs me to hold her hand when we are out in public. And she doesn't want to go to school because she doesn't know the teacher. And we have to go over that I will not leave her at school or soccer or tumbling EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

She couldn't WAIT to start tumbling!  She wants to be like Lilly so very badly.  And then she's finally old enough for tumbling, but she's too scared to stand out there by herself.  And ya know what???

 IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!  

To the point that I threaten to not let her participate and tell her we're going home unless she walks her skinny little behind out on the mat immediately! And she hides under my arm and tells me that she's scared and Mylie isn't there and Kiki isn't doing tumbling this time.  So, she's scared. 

WHAT!?! ARE YOU SCARED OF, CAM!?  I'm right here!!  I'm sitting right here, watching you for the hour class when I could be at home getting something done each week.  WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF!?!  And I turn into evil Mom and I can't hide my horns.  GET ON THAT MAT, CAM.  We paid for this class. YOU wanted to do it. Get out there!

And then I let her stand there, nuzzled into me for a while and calm down.  I ask her again why she doesn't want to tumble, but instead of yelling I use a calm, soothing voice while I hold her hand. 

Because I'm scared.  You said you had to run home and get something for Jeff and Mylie isn't here and there isn't room to stand by Izzy.

Camille, I'm just going to run home quickly, I'll be back in a few minutes. Ashley is right here if you need anything.

But I get scared when you aren't here.

Jeff, can you swing by and pick up Paige's stuff after class? 

Sure can.

Ok, Cam. I'm going to stay right here. I'll walk you out to a spot right next to Izzy, Ok?

Ok. As she wipes the tears and tries to collect herself.

AND THEN...SHE SMILED AND FLIPPED AND CHEERED WITHOUT A CARE IN THE FREAKING WORLD THE REMAINDER OF THE CLASS!!!

And if this were the first class OR the first time we went through this routine, it would be one thing.  However, it's Every.Freaking.Monday.  Every freaking Monday I ask her if she wants to go to tumbling.  I tell her that I will stay and watch her practice.  I tell her that I love her and she's a big girl and she can do it....AND SHE FREAKS OUT. every.single.time.

Often at the end of the day, I know that I don't handle situations with her properly. She's an introvert and I need to respect that. Sometimes though, I get VERY frustrated with it. It's hard for me to understand what is going through her pretty little head full of curls and I forget that she's different.  She responds to criticism differently, she likes to speak to me in private, she needs the extra assurance of my hand in hers for now.

I was able to bring a couple of my friends to the dark side (out of their shell a little), but I can't push Camille until she's ready.  She's not ready.  Hopefully someday soon she will be more confident and able to go to tumbling or school or soccer without fear, but she'll probably always prefer a smaller group of friends, a quiet conversation over a loud party, notice over a surprise...AND THAT'S OK.  I did marry her dad;)

Below is the best advice I have found for caring for the different, VERY DIFFERENT personalities.  I'm going to print it out and put it on my refrigerator.  Oh, and my friends at tumbling, please whisper in my ear to be patient with my little monster.  We all know I need a LOT of practice with patience!! ;)

"Stomp your feet and yell with me or I'm NOT going to be your friend!"

Source: decrescenzio.blogspot.com via Laura on Pinterest

Practice What You Preach

Don't you think it's so much easier to match your behavior to your beliefs and ideas when things are running smoothly?  Or when you have something to look forward to, it's easier to stay positive and upbeat.  Things that on some days would drive you to tears, can be brushed off and forgotten about if you're in a good mood.

What about when things don't go your way?  How do you deal with disappointment, stress, sadness, jealousy, fear, anxiety?  Can you still practice what you preach?  Can you walk the walk when it's not sunshine and rainbows? 

Sometimes I have to remind the people around me to stay positive, focus on the good, find "the thankful" even when it's hard.  Nobody likes to be around Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer.  It's just not fun!  Recently I had to remind myself and I wondered how others cope with the stresses of life. 

That bloodshot eye in the picture above is mine.  I most certainly sneak in tears when I need to.  But then I try to rally.  I think about all of the ideas in my head, I add them to the things that I know to be true and start to move forward. 

Often when I need to rally, I open my Bible.  I have bookmarked pages that I find comforting with cards, pictures, or notes that I've written to myself.  I read a few pages or the note that's marking the place and I feel like I can breathe again.

Usually talking (bitching) to Aaron or my friends helps, too;)

When I really wanted to cry and feel sorry for myself, but I needed to be strong, I hid in the bathroom and jumped on Pinterest and searched "thankful".  I read a few quotes about being thankful.  I thought about all of the things in my life that I have to be thankful for.  I knew that I couldn't be anything but grateful.  I have so much goodness in my life and squishy cheeks to kiss anytime I need a reminder. 

The little eyes that inspect me oh so closely at every turn do not need to be burdened or even sense that I'm upset most of the time.  I need to teach them to find the positive, not concentrate on the negative.  I talk about finding the light, searching for the positive, being thankful in all situations...ALL THE TIME. 

Sometimes I have to regroup.

Take a step back. Focus.

Be thankful and find the light.

"Never separate the life you live from the words you speak." Paul Wellstone

Something sweet to chew on:  Practice what you preach.