Days Without Number

Jeremiah 2:32

New International Version (NIV)

³² Does a young woman forget her jewelry,
a bride her wedding ornaments?
Yet my people have forgotten me,
days without number.

 

Have you ever went through the motions for an entire day or a week or a month or a year or an entire season in your life?  Doing all of the things that you need to do, all that you're expected to do, often more, but you're too busy to stop and notice? Continuing to fulfill all obligations while cursing the activities and errands and meetings. So caught up in the list of "to-do's" that you're unable to contribute the way you're supposed to?  Unable to share the good pieces of you because you're focused on the next obligation or the next thing on the list?  Instead of sharing your light, the people you are with are left with the dark pieces of you.  What's left; what remains when you use your light to focus on 'what's next' or 'what time is it' or 'what can I wear' instead of being present.

 

I'm really trying to slow down and be more present. I'm consciously saying 'no' more often in attempt to live a more simple life.  Less rush here and fly there like I was doing and more eye to eye conversations with little monsters. I'm saying "no" to the time consuming, always running, self-induced activities that I try to maintain and balance. (I am really good at balancing and maintaining them, I'm not going to pretend that I'm not.) 

Yet I want more; I want to BE there for all of the moments and LIVE them, too.  We've all heard the slogan: make the days count. I want to live and breathe with purpose.  For Him.  I want to do more than just pull the strings and make the characters in the play move from behind the scenes.  No longer do I want days without numbers.  I want to be full and also to fill.  I understand that to be full I need Him.  I know that to fill, I need Him.

 

I need to listen to His whispers

on that chronic Christmas Eve.

I need to know that He forgives

when I stole something of His

that should've been free.

 

One of my friends has pointed out to me on a few occasions that my mood often sets the mood for others.  He can tell when I'm distant and not focused.  I suspect others can tell as well, but he's brave enough to point it out.  Usually he tries to restore my energy by giving me some of his positive energy: a high five, a crazy face, a "are you ok?" under his breath.  Sometimes that works; sometimes that's enough.  Sometimes he gives up and lets me live in my distant universe and waits until the next time he runs into me to ask how it was in my alternate world.

 

I understand that I'm like this when I have too many things going on at one time.  Usually it's not even too many activities.  More often it's too many thoughts racing through my mind.  I chase them and attempt to tackle them and try to connect them and it's exhausting.  But, it's what I know.  It's comfortable.

 

I also understand that in order to grow, it's often required to be uncomfortable. 

 

Honestly, the 'weekends in' are kind of difficult for me; a little uncomfortable.  I'm used to the busy, the rush, the feeling of being needed and wanted.  I have to really concentrate on being present when my mind starts to chase the thoughts.  I have to really concentrate on putting a number on the day, each and every day.  So that I am able to use the gifts He blessed me with each day.  Direct my thoughts to the important task at hand, whatever it might be.   Looking Cami in the eye 10,000 times and reassuring her that I love her and she's wonderful and perfect even if she's not brave enough to complete a tumbling class or sharing my good light with my volleyball buddies on the court instead of bringing all of my wandering thoughts to the game.

 

Sometimes it's easier to do what you know, what you've done all your life, days without number. But, I enjoy numbers.  I want my days to have numbers.

 

 

 

Connect the dots:  The yoga instructor played this song tonight.  I couldn't get it out of my head.  Looked up the video and the eye with flames was just too perfect for this song, at this season in my life.  It was only a couple weeks ago when I posted a picture of my broken eye.  I started my true faith journey on that chronic Christmas eve. I've been struggling with days without number.  Every day I feel a deeper calling and need to spread light.   I want to make something beautiful.