Sometimes you can't hide the tears

I love Sundays because I get to listen to my friend preach about the scripture lesson, hear her interpretations on them and I always love the message. Sometimes I feel like she is talking directly to me. Every Sunday I feel a sense of renewed faith, stronger somehow; ready to start the week with a sense of purpose. I usually write early in the week because I feel better. I have talked to one of my friends about the high that is achieved at the beginning of the week and by the end of the week we are waiting for Sunday to come. To once again have this sense of renewed faith. I understand why people go to church every week now! Today Pastor Jen talked about savoring the feeling of Easter, continuing to rejoice in the resurrection. I needed it this morning.

When my dad passed away we received so much support from the community: cards, food, flowers, plants, blankets, LOVE. I selected two of the remembrance stones for my house. The one with the saying that I liked the best ("God has you in His keeping, we have you in our hearts") and the one from Julie and Andrea because it reminds me not only of my dad but also that I need to keep in contact with them. I also took the chime sent from some of my best friends.

The plants, angel figurines, frames, wall decor and the blanket immediately found a place in my home. I look at them often, I think about my dad all the time, I know which ones are from certain people-I'm killing the plant from my best friends:( I didn't know what I wanted to do with the stones or chime. Judy said that she made a butterfly garden and had the stones be part of her garden. I knew eventually I wanted to do something with the stones and the chime. I didn't know where I wanted to put them; the ground was frozen when my dad passed and soon after his passing it was covered in snow. The stones were in my car until a few weeks ago when it was above 50 degrees for a few days in a row. I decided that I wanted them next to our young tree.

I was ready to get the stones out! I had a plan. They needed to be outside. I knew what I wanted. I knew where I wanted them. I was ready to read them again and put them in the sunlight rather than listen to them bang around in my car.

This week our car was in the shop so I drove my Dad's car all week. It was strange, eerie...difficult. By the end of this week I was ready to feel the sunlight. Saturday I picked out my Mother's Day gift, we planted the tulip that I purchased in memory of my dad from the church, I placed the stones where I wanted them and hung the chime. Saturday night I watched the kids play as I rocked in my new glider. I listened to the chime sing beautifully and remembered my dad...all without a tear.

This morning I went to church early to listen the bells, I listened to the encouraging words spoken, I was still doing alright. This week I have been missing my dad terribly as I drove his car, as I read the nice words from my uncle, as I put the stones and chime in place... but I was still smiling. Smiling because I treasure the notion that he lives in our hearts and memories. I like that I can go and sit in my yard and feel close to Him and him.

We went to lunch and to visit my grandmother. But then, since I'm addicted to facebook, I logged on to read about another tragedy in our small community.

My eyes welled with tears when I read about Anne. I thought about the many volleyball games she drove the team to and from, the late nights and early Saturday trips she signed up for...and then I remembered she drives Lilly home every day. I suppressed the tears, but couldn't shake the pit in my stomach. I knew that I had to tell Lilly.

I worked the concession stand at the ball diamonds and saw Missy's mom and Mrs. Depner wiping their tears; I knew why they were falling. I emailed my classmate my sincerest condelences, but understand that words are little comfort at this time. I looked at Beth and could visibly see the pain she was feeling. The pit in my stomach wouldn't leave, instead it just hurt worse and worse.

Tonight I sat with Aaron and my neighbors on our glider and listened to the chime sing to us, in the back of my mind I knew that I had to tell my daughter about Anne. When you have to tell your child something of this magnitude a pit in your stomach just doesn't describe the feeling; there aren't classes for this type of thing. I felt like I was going to be sick. Sick for Paul's family. Sick for the rest of her family, for her co-workers, for the other kids that would soon hear this news. Just sick.

As we prepared for dinner I thought I was ready to tell my baby girl that her always smiling, caring bus driver had passed away. I thought about the phone call from the secretary a few weeks ago asking me if I was home because Anne wanted to make sure that Lilly was safe because she didn't have visual contact with an adult when she let her off of the bus.

I asked Lilly to come sit with me.

"Why Mom?" she questioned.

I responded, "Because I love you."

I don't know if she could sense that it was something more or if she just assumes that someone has died when I start the conversation with "You know God loves you, right?", but as soon as I said that Annie had been in an accident she started bawling. When Lilly cries, ninety percent of the time Camille cries, too.

I have done quite a bit of research on how to approach death with children, how to comfort them when they are hurting, how to answer their questions without making death even more scary than it is. It doesn't help. Camille starts in with her "I miss my Pipi" and soon after, I am crying too. Sometimes you can't hide the tears.

Life is difficult! Full of struggles, heartbreak, loss, unanswered questions. Yet, I am trying to remember the wise words I heard this morning. Remember the resurection, remember to feed the spirit and starve the flesh, remember to find comfort in the promises offered in His word. Love deeper, speak sweeter, forgive freely, read the Good Book and take a good long hard look.

So much love and prayers to the Brewster family and the Waganfeald family as they greive their loved ones. Hoping they can feel the love that everyone is sending to them. Prayers for strength and healing for the Hammers and Davlins. Heavy heart tonight and so much love to all of those who are scared and hurting.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

How much are your children worth?

Purposely, I have not posted anything related to the levy on my facebook page or joined in on any of the discussions. I decided not voice my concern when someone in my immediate family did not vote in an election even though I was the one that was scolded when the polling information was released. I don't watch the news or read the newspaper very often. I really have little desire to talk about politics and even though I like to write about religion I don't force people to read it. I like to keep my rose colored glasses on if at all possible.

From a very early age my Dad taught me the importance of voting. Mr. Hollenbach did a great job of reinforcing this right and honor during my years in high school. Neither my Dad nor Mr. Hollenbach really tried to push a specific party or agenda, but instead encouraged me to educate myself on the ballot. (I would get an eye roll or great big sigh if I voted differently than my Dad, but that's besides the point;))

I really don't care which way Aaron, my mom, my uncle, the people on the administration, the people from my church, my facebook friends, or anyone else votes. As long as they are voting, that is enough for me, but since I was asked to weigh in, I will. Do not read any further if you don't want to hear my opinion, but please exercise your right and honor to vote. Our country worked very hard to put a system in place that allows us to have a say, use it!

With that said, here is my opinion on the school levy...

Anytime that a levy is on the ballot a list of proposed cuts is listed for everyone to see and is usually highlighted and bolded in every article. Is this a scare tactic? Has the administration exhausted all possible options before drawing all of the attention to the proposed cuts? Is there any other way that the school, buses, staff can continue to run at full potential without the additional funding? I don't know! I don't work for the school, I don't attend the levy meetings, I don't ask for the building tour, I don't ask for the salaries of the teachers and the administration.

Why? Because I think my children are worth the extra money if it is necessary to run the school. I don't take the time to educate myself on the school levies or the fire departments desires or the library funding because for me, I will always vote for them. These things are important to our community. Whether I have children or my house is on fire or I want somewhere quiet to research political candidates I would like to know that these necessary resources are available in my community. I don't want to have to send my kids to a private school or a neighboring community so that they don't have to be one of 30+ students or deal with frustrated teachers.

I read somewhere that this levy is just a Band-Aid so why vote yes? Understandable. I can't disagree with this statement because the school is falling apart and this levy will not even begin to fix all of the problems! I can say that whenever one of my kids falls and skins their knee they ask for a Band-Aid. Maybe, just maybe, a Band-Aid is all we can do for now. In this difficult economic state with so many people struggling to make ends meet, maybe we can't afford the full fix that we would all like. Maybe the best and only solution is to settle for a Band-Aid.

We own two houses in the school district. We pay two property taxes, two sewer project fees and we don't make tons of money. We will feel certainly feel the additional property taxes in our bank account. I understand that times are tough. I understand that people are out of work, we've been there too. Still, you have to make sacrifices for what is important. How much are your children worth? How much are your neighbors’ children worth? How much are your grandchildren worth?

I don't want to put a price tag on my children or their education! Because they are worth any amount of money to me. If that means no vacation, cutting coupons, working extra hours, less beer in the fridge (don't tell Aaron!!), then that's what needs to happen. The children are worth any amount of money to me.

I hope that voters can put aside their emotional feelings for the administration and think of the children. I hope that voters can put aside the pinch that an increased property tax will put on their bank accounts and think of the children. But above all I hope that everyone exercises their right and honor to vote. Encourage others to do the same! Remind your neighbors, your friends and your loved ones that there is an important vote on May 3rd.

THANKS TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT VOTED YES! LEVY PASSED!

God made dirt and dirt don't hurt

Because my postings have been dark lately...and it's almost Easter:)

If the first one doesn't make you smile, this one will!!

And Keegan is such a boy if you can't tell:)

Cami likes to get dirty too!

After we convinced Princess Lilly that she would get clean soon enough she had fun too, but she liked the Egg decorating better than the mud between her toes!

HAPPY EASTER!!

I guess I should clean my house now! But we had so much fun today I couldn't wait to share!

Facebook...ALMOST THERE!

It seems really petty to me today to even think about Facebook! Sure it passes the time, I like to reach out to people that could use some encouragement and I like to look at the pictures. Still in the big scheme of things, I still talked to most of my friends during my hiatus, my life continued as normal (whatever THAT is) and other than filling my spare time I didn't miss it too awful bad. It is nothing compared to the sacrifices I have been reading about!

But I still can't wait to log on!! One of my friends asked me if I'm going to go POSTal and post on everything...YEPPERS:) Can't wait! I'm going to focus on Easter and my family, but Sunday night after I put the monsters to bed I will be on everyone's newsfeed:)

My children are terrified of the Easter Bunny (and Santa)...but thanks to Nan (seriously nicest person ever!) and her patience I did get one picture of all of them close to the bunny! Egg hunt and egg coloring with some of the cutest kids on the block was fun (and messy):) Camille was very intrigued...questions like why does the Easter Bunny have shoes on? I think the Easter Bunny has a blue shirt under the fur! She is so cute!

JB and Mark Cooper (former members of Introspect) will be at the Bharmacy Saturday night in Genoa...Great music if you are looking for something to do!


Hoping everyone has a Hoppy Easter!!

Ready for the light!!

I am ready for the light, ready to rejoice in the resurrection, but the lent book asks me to stay focused on the passages of Holy Week instead. To stay focused on the truth of the story. I have to force myself not to turn away as I have in my religious history thus far in my life. If I am strong enough and can remain focused, I will dig deeper into the passages this week, relate to the characters and force myself to look at the truth. The truth is that life is painful, life is difficult, life is full of trials and struggles.

Approximately a decade ago, I attended my first Good Friday service. Growing up my family was more of the Easter and Christmas Eve type members. I attended the confirmation classes, decided to be baptized, but mostly because I was told I was going to. Really our classes were more of a social gathering where we would make fun of our teachers and laugh at a couple of the clowns in our class. When I did attend church I would pass notes with my friends and rarely pulled anything out of the message. My religious background was not very strong, I believed in God and knew some of the stories, but only the ones told on the big church days! When I agreed to attend Good Friday service I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I trusted the instincts of the person that had extended the invitation and went to the service.

The big, beautiful church that was normally filled with light, was dark. On any other occasion when I entered this church the light would reflect magnificently from the stained glass windows and draw attention to all of the detail in the tradition. At any other service I had attended in this church there were flowers, the banners were detailed in bold colors, and I viewed the intricately carved statue of Jesus on the cross as glorious. The people that I normally greeted with a big smile and a hug, were somber on this night. Before, during and after the service the congregation hung their heads and their shoulders seemed to slouch. Nobody spoke to one another. There was no, "say hi to your neighbor!" or "joys and concerns". The babies and small children that normally would break the heaviness of any moment in the church, were not present. The service was dimly lit when we started and lights continued to dim as the service continued, only leaving a single flame. The banners were black. The one song we did sing was the most depressing hymn I have ever heard. When the loud noise signifying the driving of the nails sounded I think I might have slightly wet myself. (I was warned this was going to take place, but I was already on edge from the rest of the service)! Then everyone left in silence.

It was terrifying! I was intimidated and a little turned off by this service for quite some time. Alright, I haven't been back to a Good Friday service since! Where is the joy in our belief in God and Jesus in this service? Where is the hope and love from God, from the congregation, from the church? I thought you were supposed to leave church feeling renewed, not ready to jump off a cliff!

When I attended my first Good Friday service I severely lacked biblical knowledge. My memories of church were happy hymns and people overflowing with excitement to greet us. Not a terribly sad and depressing hymn, a dark church and a congregation leaving in silence. Why is it called Good Friday? But after reading the scriptures a few times, after thinking about the struggles Jesus endured to offer us the promises in His truth, I understand why! How can you not feel like God abandoned Jesus on the cross? His only son, alone and suffering, where was God then? Betrayed by his closest followers and friends and not just Judas, but each and every one of the disciples. Each of the people that had just vowed to fight, even to death for Jesus and all he stood for. Where were they now?

I have always been grateful that Jesus died on the cross for our sins, I knew that part of the story. I knew that he suffered a horrific, painful death, but I never took the time to think about all of the other ways he suffered. Imagine the feeling of abandonment by your closest friends in your darkest time, most of us can relate to the feeling of abandonment and solitude. Tough stuff, life is painful. Now imagine witnessing all of the signs Jesus performed, all of the healing, all of the larger than this world feats he accomplished...then turning your back to Him. Acting as if you had never met Him! Agony, Tough stuff, life is painful.

I remember feeling abandoned when my Dad was sick. Why was He allowing this suffering? Just take him, really, this is not fair! When I read the scriptures this week I think to myself how extremely selfish of me it was to think He had forsaken me. He witnessed His only Son suffer, not only physical pain, but all of the emotional pain that we face in life. All of the emptiness, betrayal, deceit, abandonment. He didn't abandon me, He suffered with me.

This week I am anticipating the Good Friday service with intrigue and wonder. I wonder if the service will be similar to the church attended so many years ago? I wonder if I will be moved to tears? I will certainly be mourning Jesus' death as I have my entire life, but this year I am will also be thinking about how I relate to the other characters in the scripture, to look deeper into darkness, to the tough stuff. I am not going to skip this week and wait for Sunday. I wonder if my friend will put a loving twist in her message, is there any of the good feelings in this scripture that I am not grasping right now? She is brutally honest, so I think her message will border on the terrifying, just like the service I attended years ago, but this year I will understand why it is so scary. I will appreciate ALL of the pain and suffering, not just the physical pain Jesus endured.

I am still ready for the light, I am still ready to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord...but I am also grateful that I took the time to learn more, appreciate more, love more. So very thankful for Good Friday and all the things it represents. The truth is sometimes hard to swallow. Life is painful, we will all die, we will all feel betrayed, maybe even by God. Yet through our belief in His truth we are offered light, we are offered life.

Facebook WIthdrawal Week 5

Yep, totally over not having fb. I so can not wait to get back on!!

I can't think of anything even worth posting which is totally unlike me. What if I've ruined facebook for myself? I have heard it has been quite uneventful, which makes me happy:) But what if everyone else lost interest too! I will be so excited to log in on Easter and nobody will be left on facebook to communicate with!

I have a friend that has decided to delete any person that is from her town. Her thought is that if they live in her town they should pick up the phone and call or simply stop by her house; that people are too dependent on networking and this is her way of taking a stand. She is going to maintain her fb account for her friends that are all over the country, but if you live in the same town as her you have to call or talk in person. Hmmm...What does everyone think? Are we so dependent on technology that we are losing the good that comes out of personal interaction?

Personally, I don't think so, but wonder how everyone else feels. I was talking to one of my best friends recently (and since a few people have told me I have like 1000 best friends, I'll clarify), the maid of honor at my wedding, the person that tells me when I'm wrong, that stands up to me, Tam. I usually only see her once a month. We tried to plan a night together recently, but after I went through my week and she went through hers, there was not one night that we could get together. Not one. It's not like we don't want to get together, we just can't! With three kids each, work, family and life, it's just not possible to get together very often.

Yet, if I was on facebook I would know how the concert went for her husband last night, I would know if her kids were driving her crazy, or if she posted a cute picture! Yes, I can call her and find all the stuff out, but I can't possibly call each one of my friends every day. Just not possible. I miss facebook!

So super sad that book club is over now:(

But so super happy taxes are almost done and I get to work less than full time. Not much but less is better!

If Aaron doesn't feel better soon, I'm checking myself into a mental hospital. I had to take out the garbage AND cook dinner all week! (we've had pizza, mcd's, mac and dogs...lol)

Jamie's shoes for her wedding are kick ass! May is going to be a fun month:)

Camille's favorite song now is The Story. She wants to listen to Momma's favorite song over and over again. She said I'm old like Brandi...another line on the face!

Facebook Withdrawal Week 4

I really haven't missed facebook this week. I think knowing that there is drama that I am missing helps. If I would have read the messages and been able to respond immediately, I probably would have upset some people with the things I had to say. So I am actually kind of thankful that I'm not online this week:)

I did go to the screen one day just out of habit, but didn't type in my password. Instead I wrote a blog post...probably much more productive! Posts from this week would have included:

Keegan sleeping in my arms while listening to my friend preach was probably the sweetest feeling I have had in a while.

I am going to miss dinners at the Lowry's! I am going to miss having them 20 minutes away period. Texas is far:(

Book club makes me think. I am sad that next week is our last meeting time.

Can't wait to wear my cowboy boots and flannel shirt!

My cousins are in town for almost two weeks...yay:)

Pretty boring typical stuff...not even anything to feed the mind...I think I used it all in the last blog post or I'm too tired to challenge anyone to think.

OOOO...did learn (or re-learn I suppose) another lesson last night. Don't just assume that a married couple is not ready for children, they may already be trying to conceive so adding additional pressure (ME: You guys better get going, you know. You are getting old!) doesn't help anyone. "Have you thought about children?" would be a much better approach...then they have the opportunity to say that they are trying or if they don't feel comfortable talking about it they at least have a way out, like they aren't ready yet.

OOOOO...and Kelly, I'm singing on Mother's Day so don't miss church;)