God made dirt and dirt don't hurt

Because my postings have been dark lately...and it's almost Easter:)

If the first one doesn't make you smile, this one will!!

And Keegan is such a boy if you can't tell:)

Cami likes to get dirty too!

After we convinced Princess Lilly that she would get clean soon enough she had fun too, but she liked the Egg decorating better than the mud between her toes!

HAPPY EASTER!!

I guess I should clean my house now! But we had so much fun today I couldn't wait to share!

Facebook...ALMOST THERE!

It seems really petty to me today to even think about Facebook! Sure it passes the time, I like to reach out to people that could use some encouragement and I like to look at the pictures. Still in the big scheme of things, I still talked to most of my friends during my hiatus, my life continued as normal (whatever THAT is) and other than filling my spare time I didn't miss it too awful bad. It is nothing compared to the sacrifices I have been reading about!

But I still can't wait to log on!! One of my friends asked me if I'm going to go POSTal and post on everything...YEPPERS:) Can't wait! I'm going to focus on Easter and my family, but Sunday night after I put the monsters to bed I will be on everyone's newsfeed:)

My children are terrified of the Easter Bunny (and Santa)...but thanks to Nan (seriously nicest person ever!) and her patience I did get one picture of all of them close to the bunny! Egg hunt and egg coloring with some of the cutest kids on the block was fun (and messy):) Camille was very intrigued...questions like why does the Easter Bunny have shoes on? I think the Easter Bunny has a blue shirt under the fur! She is so cute!

JB and Mark Cooper (former members of Introspect) will be at the Bharmacy Saturday night in Genoa...Great music if you are looking for something to do!


Hoping everyone has a Hoppy Easter!!

Ready for the light!!

I am ready for the light, ready to rejoice in the resurrection, but the lent book asks me to stay focused on the passages of Holy Week instead. To stay focused on the truth of the story. I have to force myself not to turn away as I have in my religious history thus far in my life. If I am strong enough and can remain focused, I will dig deeper into the passages this week, relate to the characters and force myself to look at the truth. The truth is that life is painful, life is difficult, life is full of trials and struggles.

Approximately a decade ago, I attended my first Good Friday service. Growing up my family was more of the Easter and Christmas Eve type members. I attended the confirmation classes, decided to be baptized, but mostly because I was told I was going to. Really our classes were more of a social gathering where we would make fun of our teachers and laugh at a couple of the clowns in our class. When I did attend church I would pass notes with my friends and rarely pulled anything out of the message. My religious background was not very strong, I believed in God and knew some of the stories, but only the ones told on the big church days! When I agreed to attend Good Friday service I had no idea what I was getting myself into, but I trusted the instincts of the person that had extended the invitation and went to the service.

The big, beautiful church that was normally filled with light, was dark. On any other occasion when I entered this church the light would reflect magnificently from the stained glass windows and draw attention to all of the detail in the tradition. At any other service I had attended in this church there were flowers, the banners were detailed in bold colors, and I viewed the intricately carved statue of Jesus on the cross as glorious. The people that I normally greeted with a big smile and a hug, were somber on this night. Before, during and after the service the congregation hung their heads and their shoulders seemed to slouch. Nobody spoke to one another. There was no, "say hi to your neighbor!" or "joys and concerns". The babies and small children that normally would break the heaviness of any moment in the church, were not present. The service was dimly lit when we started and lights continued to dim as the service continued, only leaving a single flame. The banners were black. The one song we did sing was the most depressing hymn I have ever heard. When the loud noise signifying the driving of the nails sounded I think I might have slightly wet myself. (I was warned this was going to take place, but I was already on edge from the rest of the service)! Then everyone left in silence.

It was terrifying! I was intimidated and a little turned off by this service for quite some time. Alright, I haven't been back to a Good Friday service since! Where is the joy in our belief in God and Jesus in this service? Where is the hope and love from God, from the congregation, from the church? I thought you were supposed to leave church feeling renewed, not ready to jump off a cliff!

When I attended my first Good Friday service I severely lacked biblical knowledge. My memories of church were happy hymns and people overflowing with excitement to greet us. Not a terribly sad and depressing hymn, a dark church and a congregation leaving in silence. Why is it called Good Friday? But after reading the scriptures a few times, after thinking about the struggles Jesus endured to offer us the promises in His truth, I understand why! How can you not feel like God abandoned Jesus on the cross? His only son, alone and suffering, where was God then? Betrayed by his closest followers and friends and not just Judas, but each and every one of the disciples. Each of the people that had just vowed to fight, even to death for Jesus and all he stood for. Where were they now?

I have always been grateful that Jesus died on the cross for our sins, I knew that part of the story. I knew that he suffered a horrific, painful death, but I never took the time to think about all of the other ways he suffered. Imagine the feeling of abandonment by your closest friends in your darkest time, most of us can relate to the feeling of abandonment and solitude. Tough stuff, life is painful. Now imagine witnessing all of the signs Jesus performed, all of the healing, all of the larger than this world feats he accomplished...then turning your back to Him. Acting as if you had never met Him! Agony, Tough stuff, life is painful.

I remember feeling abandoned when my Dad was sick. Why was He allowing this suffering? Just take him, really, this is not fair! When I read the scriptures this week I think to myself how extremely selfish of me it was to think He had forsaken me. He witnessed His only Son suffer, not only physical pain, but all of the emotional pain that we face in life. All of the emptiness, betrayal, deceit, abandonment. He didn't abandon me, He suffered with me.

This week I am anticipating the Good Friday service with intrigue and wonder. I wonder if the service will be similar to the church attended so many years ago? I wonder if I will be moved to tears? I will certainly be mourning Jesus' death as I have my entire life, but this year I am will also be thinking about how I relate to the other characters in the scripture, to look deeper into darkness, to the tough stuff. I am not going to skip this week and wait for Sunday. I wonder if my friend will put a loving twist in her message, is there any of the good feelings in this scripture that I am not grasping right now? She is brutally honest, so I think her message will border on the terrifying, just like the service I attended years ago, but this year I will understand why it is so scary. I will appreciate ALL of the pain and suffering, not just the physical pain Jesus endured.

I am still ready for the light, I am still ready to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord...but I am also grateful that I took the time to learn more, appreciate more, love more. So very thankful for Good Friday and all the things it represents. The truth is sometimes hard to swallow. Life is painful, we will all die, we will all feel betrayed, maybe even by God. Yet through our belief in His truth we are offered light, we are offered life.

Facebook WIthdrawal Week 5

Yep, totally over not having fb. I so can not wait to get back on!!

I can't think of anything even worth posting which is totally unlike me. What if I've ruined facebook for myself? I have heard it has been quite uneventful, which makes me happy:) But what if everyone else lost interest too! I will be so excited to log in on Easter and nobody will be left on facebook to communicate with!

I have a friend that has decided to delete any person that is from her town. Her thought is that if they live in her town they should pick up the phone and call or simply stop by her house; that people are too dependent on networking and this is her way of taking a stand. She is going to maintain her fb account for her friends that are all over the country, but if you live in the same town as her you have to call or talk in person. Hmmm...What does everyone think? Are we so dependent on technology that we are losing the good that comes out of personal interaction?

Personally, I don't think so, but wonder how everyone else feels. I was talking to one of my best friends recently (and since a few people have told me I have like 1000 best friends, I'll clarify), the maid of honor at my wedding, the person that tells me when I'm wrong, that stands up to me, Tam. I usually only see her once a month. We tried to plan a night together recently, but after I went through my week and she went through hers, there was not one night that we could get together. Not one. It's not like we don't want to get together, we just can't! With three kids each, work, family and life, it's just not possible to get together very often.

Yet, if I was on facebook I would know how the concert went for her husband last night, I would know if her kids were driving her crazy, or if she posted a cute picture! Yes, I can call her and find all the stuff out, but I can't possibly call each one of my friends every day. Just not possible. I miss facebook!

So super sad that book club is over now:(

But so super happy taxes are almost done and I get to work less than full time. Not much but less is better!

If Aaron doesn't feel better soon, I'm checking myself into a mental hospital. I had to take out the garbage AND cook dinner all week! (we've had pizza, mcd's, mac and dogs...lol)

Jamie's shoes for her wedding are kick ass! May is going to be a fun month:)

Camille's favorite song now is The Story. She wants to listen to Momma's favorite song over and over again. She said I'm old like Brandi...another line on the face!

Facebook Withdrawal Week 4

I really haven't missed facebook this week. I think knowing that there is drama that I am missing helps. If I would have read the messages and been able to respond immediately, I probably would have upset some people with the things I had to say. So I am actually kind of thankful that I'm not online this week:)

I did go to the screen one day just out of habit, but didn't type in my password. Instead I wrote a blog post...probably much more productive! Posts from this week would have included:

Keegan sleeping in my arms while listening to my friend preach was probably the sweetest feeling I have had in a while.

I am going to miss dinners at the Lowry's! I am going to miss having them 20 minutes away period. Texas is far:(

Book club makes me think. I am sad that next week is our last meeting time.

Can't wait to wear my cowboy boots and flannel shirt!

My cousins are in town for almost two weeks...yay:)

Pretty boring typical stuff...not even anything to feed the mind...I think I used it all in the last blog post or I'm too tired to challenge anyone to think.

OOOO...did learn (or re-learn I suppose) another lesson last night. Don't just assume that a married couple is not ready for children, they may already be trying to conceive so adding additional pressure (ME: You guys better get going, you know. You are getting old!) doesn't help anyone. "Have you thought about children?" would be a much better approach...then they have the opportunity to say that they are trying or if they don't feel comfortable talking about it they at least have a way out, like they aren't ready yet.

OOOOO...and Kelly, I'm singing on Mother's Day so don't miss church;)

Do not be quick with your mouth

"Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few." Ecclesiastes 5:2

I started a post with this verse and lesson booming in my head quite some time ago, I think my family referred to me as a tornado when I was learning the lesson. As I write today, the example floating around in my head is different, but I can probably make the post more powerful if I use my feelings from my original post so I will give that example first and attempt to paint the picture of how I was feeling then. But I want everyone to remember that this verse is universal and powerful, not just when the stakes are high, but all the time. I think we can all put ourselves into a situation that this verse relates to and if you are known to be "blunt" maybe even put the verse to use daily!

My parents moved into our house at the beginning of June last year. If everyone was speaking candidly, we would have all confessed that we assumed my father would not be alive at the end of August, let alone fighting the disease until nearly November. He had multiple brain lesions and the cancer was no longer contained to the site in his lungs. The oncologist told him that there weren't any other treatment options that he could offer. Even after his decision to try gamma knife, (cutting edge technology) at the Cleveland Clinic, the outlook was bleak. The statistics illustrated that he would not be living with us for more than a couple months. Not that this played any part in our decision to offer our home to my parents, but in the back of our minds, we knew the odds. There was an end was in sight. The change was worth it no matter how long they would be residing in our house. We had plenty of room, our bathroom was handicap accessible, it really wasn't even a discussion. I said to my husband, "I think it would be best if my parents move into our house". He responded directly, lovingly and immediately, "when are they moving in?"

When people ask me how long Aaron will be on this crazy shift the most frustrating part is that I have to tell them that I don't know. If I knew that he would only have to be on this shift for a year, I think I would be a little more optimistic, but in reality it could be for a long time. It is hard to smile and say we will get used to it because I doubt we will get used to it. No matter how long he is on it! Change is hard for everyone, especially when you can't predict the future.

From the time my parents moved into our house, our life was different. Different means change, and honestly, change is difficult. We had to change many things in order to make my dad comfortable. Physical things like moving the computer, adding a ramp to the garage, moving some furniture around...that change was easy. It was the emotional changes that were difficult and demanding. Care-taking is the most demanding and challenging job I have had thus far in my life by leaps and bounds. Expectations don't get much higher than when you are caring for a person that is dying. You want the end of life to be as comfortable and rewarding as humanly possible...pretty high expectations.

We all adjusted to change. We all were doing our part to keep my dad from the deep dark places of depression. As I have stated previously, I am a planner, OCD organized. When I started this post in September I was stressed to the max with work, family, life, care-taking, etc...too many titles. In September we also signed up for Hospice, my dad was done with treatment and they told us to call whoever might want to have a visit with him into town. Over three months into our roommate situation, struggling with the daily changes caused by the disease and the fact that life doesn't ever slow down, everyone was tired. Still, my cousin from out of state and my little brother were coming home for a visit, so I planned a big family gathering.

I was running around getting the last minute things that we needed to have a nice, relaxing dinner for 20...just reading that sentence now makes me laugh. Nice, relaxing...for 20:) But that is what I expected. I have also called myself out on multiple occasions and have admitted that I am also too demanding and too expecting of both myself and others. If I am doing this, this and this, I expect everyone around me to be doing the same (or more:)). I envisioned everyone pleasantly sitting around the multiple tables in the house sharing our family memories over dinner as we have done so many times before. The memories that are embedded in each of us so deeply.

As I was rushing around yelling orders, I asked my little brother to run to the store and grab some coke and a couple other last minute items we needed to make this dinner a success. He continued to talk with my cousin and uncles and gave me a nonchalant wave, like in a minute, Laura. Probably thinking, I am in the middle of a conversation and I'll get it when I get to it (controlling freak sister)!

I went and checked on my dad, assuming my brother would complete the simple task for me. My dad was not feeling the party I had planned on his behalf. He didn't want to visit with anyone, he just wanted to be alone. Deep sigh moment. It is heart wrenching to see your father, a person that has always stressed the importance of family, so unwilling to be excited to spend time with those who love him the most. When he told me he just wanted to lay in his room, I was furious. I went to all this trouble to have his brothers, my cousins, all the kids over, for what? I was emotionally spent, devastated by his reaction to what I thought would bring such joy to his day.

As I re-entered the circus formed in the kitchen, I didn't think about how it was probably over-stimulating with all the madness or maybe he simply didn't feel well. I was just so hurt that he didn't want to spend time with us. Rather than cry or break down, I pushed the blame on my little brother because he had failed to get the soda. I stormed out of the house, passed him in a fury. (If you ask the spectators, I was probably whirling and swirling, picking up ammunition on the way to the car, as I walked the aisles at the grocery store and as I slammed down the pop when I returned.)

Jake is the exact opposite of me in almost all ways. He is carefree, fly by the seat of your pants, untroubled by most events. I doubt he even owns a planner! When I stormed back into the house he jokingly prodes me "hey sis, did you want me to go get that now?" If Tornado Laura was picking up speed before his comment, this was the last little gust that was needed to set the path for destruction. I exploded on him! He did not even know what was coming, but I vented about things that I SHOULD have talked to him about casually, when I was not angry. I expected him to step up, not just when I asked him to get soda, but now, for our family, I expected more. I still expect him to step up, but I should not have done so when I was so angry about what I viewed as his shortcomings.

Instead of waiting until I was calm to discuss my expectations rationally, I unloaded on him in front of the rest of my family. After the storm settled, I was the one that was left to pick up the pieces of the devastation that I had caused. I was the one to blame for this disaster. I prematurely judged my brother and the emotion that had been building up over the past few months caused the tornado to be quite powerful.

The next day, as the dust was settling, I started a post titled "Do not be quick with your mouth."

This week I am aware of woman drama occurring within my group of friends. I so want to join in (not log on, but have someone put in my two cents at least)! But, I'm going to learn from the verse, Tornado Laura and the MANY other times I have put my foot in my mouth and just stay neutral! If either side asks for my opinion, you bet I will still give it, but I will have thought and prayed on the correct responses and my words will be few! Trying to keep in mind that I do not know the driving forces behind others actions or what they are thinking so who am I to judge?

"Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few." Ecclesiastes 5:2

I logged into Facebook...

April Fools:) Addicted to Facebook Week 3.5

I soooo want to log in though! I want to see what everyone else thought about Grey's!!

Personally, I liked the music event, but it did seem kind of choppy in some of the transitions from story to song. I love "Breathe" by Anna Nalick and obviously "How to Save a Life" by the Fray as it is the theme song to my favoritest show. Absolutely, 100% loved "The Story" by Brandi Carlile as it reminds me of sadness under the smiles or the canvas under the painting that I have referred to before. You know, how the picture painted for the world to see often isn't as pretty before the tulips and birds are added to the painting. Sometimes "all of these lines across my face" can be hidden by a trip to the tanning bed, a touch of shimmery makeup and quite easily with a smile. It's hard to know what is really inside of people, deep down in their soul or what thoughts are really going through their messed up head! LOVE IT.

GREY'S: Callie has an outstanding voice and I think she made the episode a success! I could do without Owen all together and Christina in her bra makes me want to throw up in my mouth, but overall loved the show as usual:) "The Story" will be played in my car on repeat for a while!

Excited for girl time (in need of an escape from the everyday running around (like a chicken with my head cut off) routine!!) Thankful for friends that have way cooler shoes than me AND bring me lunch:) Bunco at my lovers followed by singing at the PI...can't think of anything I'd rather do! Before I assume full time Mommy duty and play hostess to sleepovers, crafting and beauty shop, I get to have a brunch date with Tam, Julie and Dell:) Too bad I have to get a bunch of returns off my desk first!