Into the Wilderness

During the season of lent, Christians are supposed to force themselves to think about the darker parts of their existence, look deeper, face the beasts in the wilderness. We are forced to think about our tempters, seek a deeper relationship with God, repent for our wrongdoings, consider how much time we are "in the kitchen" at church opposed to how much time we are actually spending with God. In other words, how much time are we completing the tasks (that certainly need to be done)and in the busyness of the tasks neglecting to spend time with God? We are seeking the reconciliation of God and humankind, especially as accomplished through the life, suffering, and death of Jesus Christ. At the end of the lent period we are supposed to feel more connected to God.

During lent some Christians choose to face these deeper, darker passages in the Bible in an attempt to come away feeling more connected with God by sharing treasures with God. In life that is not how it always works. Most of the time we don't CHOOSE to go into the wilderness. Most of the time our periods of darkness and periods of time left alone in our head are not by conscious decision, but instead by circumstance. The darkness suddenly appears (POOF) with the news of cancer, the loss of a loved one, an unexpected hospital stay.

I decided to give up facebook because I was feeling emotionally drained. I would read a story about someone that was in the wilderness and I would feel their pain. I would imagine myself in their situation and my head would spin, tears would well in my eyes, and I would email them or call them, causing me to feel even more emotionally invested in their struggle. In the end, I think both parties benefited from the communication, but at the end of the day, I would have less of the good, happy emotion left to spend with my family.

When I made the commitment to neglect myself of facebook, I thought that would solve the problem. I think Aaron even went along with my theory for a while. It didn't. I have lived in Woodville 96% of my life. I have connections to every person in town and not by the six degrees of separation, but by one and at the greatest two degrees. I can't get away from my need to help those in need, I just find other ways to find the people in need, or they find me.

Giving up facebook cannot restore my emotional health! I don't know why I thought it could! (and no, don't get excited, I'm not coming back until Easter;)) However, my next, on a whim, decision to join a lent book club the day it started, could! Joining this small group of other "Martha's", other people that are normally "in the kitchen", has renewed my emotional spirit. I have to be accountable to them each week and prepare myself for our reflection time. I have to read the Bible verses and think about the challenge questions so that I can participate in the group. I have to spend time with God and I have realized that is the only way to restore my emotional spirit.

Last week our discussion was focused on times we have been in the wilderness, the deep, dark times where tempters like to come in. I spent time thinking of times I have been in the wilderness and how I was able to eventually find my way out. Some of the angels that I identified during times of my wilderness stay are family, friends, books, memories and God's love. Some of the beasts that we came up with were doubt, confusion, fear, exhaustion, depression and many, many more. When you are in the wilderness the beasts seem to bread like crazy and the angels can often seem few and far between.

I extended an invitation to a friend from college, someone that doesn't fall into the one degree of separation category! I haven't had time to spend with her recently and she is one of my friends that is always "all in". She is one of the first people to call if they hear I am not doing well, first to respond that she would love to celebrate a special occasion, there to listen if I simply want to complain the entire half hour drive home (and laugh at my too critical and too expecting outlook). Unlike the majority of my friends I have not known her since kindergarten, but no matter how many months go by without talking we can pick up right where we left off.

She texted me back that she could not meet me at the square dance. She can't meet me at the square dance because she has thyroid cancer. The first step of the treatment plan is to remove part of her thyroid (and biopsy the other part in hopes to save part of the gland). If the biopsy comes back clean they will leave part of her thyroid gland and monitor regularly. If it comes back irregular she will have to have another surgery to remove the other part of the gland. After she heals from this surgery(ies) she will receive radiation medicine to hopefully take care of the rest of the stupid cancer cells. My response to her: F THAT!!!!! Seriously, that was my first response. In the same text was also: What's the treatment plan? Do you want to talk? And I love you...but my first response was F That. I am so over cancer right now! I wanted to throw my phone!

My friend is not even 30 yet. She is supposed to be looking forward to wrapping up her school year so that she can play all summer with her little man that is only a couple years old and cook out with her wonderful husband. She is supposed to be shopping for her trip to Las Vegas with 7 other young women. Now she has to have a fairly major operation, radiation and hormone therapy forever. NOT FAIR!

I still want to throw something, but I know that it is not going to help. What will help my friend are all the things that I have been learning in the past week and will continue to learn in the weeks to come. Since I am more able to identify the beasts and more aware of their presence, I can be quicker to throw them out (instead of my phone)! I am more able to invite the angels in and they can help defend against the beasts. I will find my way to the light much easier and quicker with the angels by my side.

I can't wait until I get to go see my beautiful friend, Julie Ann, so that I can cry with her and be mad with her, but most importantly so that I can help her identify some of her angels and beasts. I am so thankful that I took the time out of my day on Ash Wednesday to be like "Mary", pray and listen to God. That I took the time to listen to him speak to me and tell me to learn more about Him because He is the one that can restore my spirit. Happy to that I feel renewed, whole and ready to help my friend fight away her beasts! This type of cancer has very favorable odds with early detection and treatment...hopefully the next time I get the cancer news my first response will be "God loves you, is with you and will help you get out of the wilderness. I will too!"

Please pray for my friend. For her strength, for her faith, for her family, for her to feel God's love. And yes, Jess, A prayer for a cure for cancer too!!!

First surgery (and biopsy collection) complete (3/23/11)and awake in recovery room via Andrea. Wait, hope and pray for good biopsy of the other part of the gland. Hope and pray for a quick recovery and minimal side effects from the radiation medicine.

UPDATE: Starts her raditation today (5/3). She can not be around anyone for 3 days and anyone under 12 for an additional 7...this includes her handsome young toddler. Gets a scan (5/12) to make sure the stupid c-word isn't anywhere else in her way too young for c-word body. Prayers, please.

Rough morning

Seeing my uncle two days in a row...and him repeatedly telling me how much I'm like my Dad (impatient, too expecting, grumpy when I'm hungry...were the three that reminded him during our visits) has made it a rather difficult morning. The mood I'm in this morning has me reading my favorite blog post ever.


Thanks Lis.

When I read it I feel all the things she puts into words over again, but at the end I smile and think of the next time we'll get to pass the milk together. Hopefully soon when my cousins from Cali come:)


Miss you Dad.

Julie's surgery is today...prayers for successful removal of the yucky C word.

Facebook Withdrawal Week 2

Feeling more disconnected from the world this week.

I received a text yesterday from "Facebook" asking me to come back...after I figured out who it was I wanted to log on because he cracks me up with his humor on everyones posts:) But I didn't!

Even more importantly I'm going to miss the facebook announcement from one of my bestest friends:( I am so excited for her!! But she knows it, so I guess I'm not really going to miss anything!

No time to log on at home with the nice weather! We were outside from 5-8 last night...it was great! Conference with Uncle Paul about our wall reinforcement project (and more importantly our extended patio:))! Sounds like we're going to start the dig soon:)

Nothing worth posting on fb this week that I can recall other than the following:

Slide show of Mr. Young's journey thus far in his 40 years of life was hysterical! Mullets galore!!

Supremely enjoyed my coffee and toast date with the most handsome man in my life, Keegan Lee while the girls were at Sunday School:) Camille was so stinkin' cute singing at church (OFF KEY, waving and stomping the entire performance)!

Oh and the updates on my other lent commitments...still no smokey treats despite the pack in my garage that someone should not have purchased (not me)! And continuing to enjoy the nightly readings in my lent book and Bible.

Outrunning CF

Most of you know that I over-volunteer (which isn't a word, but whatever)! I can't help it! One of the causes I feel strongly about is finding a cure for cystic fibrosis. Mostly because I never want my friends to have to write a blog like this:

Not so bright & Shiny

So many prayers for Sarah Jones and her boys on earth and in heaven!! Prayers for the other families that have lost a loved one to this horrible disease. Prayers for the Slates and Ty's cousin. Prayers for the rest of the families fighting the disease!

If you're able to donate to the cause you can do so here:

My CFF Donation page


Great big thank you to my walk donors: Michelle, Kurt and Liam Rood, Phil Kayden, Mark, Susannah and Titan Warren, Melody and Johnny Bedford, Barb and Rick Runion, Abbie Lake!!!

Challenge!

My favorite challenge question this week out of my lenten journey book was to find a "life verse/passage". A passage that you can turn to when you need to put yourself in check. I have a feeling that most of the members of my book club with probably choose a psalm or another verse on hope or love. I have this notion because as I think of all the faces I will see tonight, I think of warm, caring, nurturing people that probably don't have to ask for forgiveness very often. Since the book club memebers only see the smiling mom on Sunday mornings that calmly asks her three rambunctious children to please stop spitting on her, don't stand on the pew, stop yelling during the prayer time, take a deep breath as her coffee spills all over the floor, etc etc etc!!! I could probably state that my life verse was one of hope or love too, but since I have made the commitment to the book club to strengthen my relationship with God, I'll keep it real!

As I looked at different passages, I thought about a conversation that I had this weekend with a friends sister. I don't know the pretty, annoyingly skinny, young lady that well. On the occasions that we hang out with her, I am always cordial and pleasant to her and thought we had a mutual respect for each other. Yet, while we were sitting at the table and I was harassing her (we were playing a game and everyone was talking smack) she bluntly told me that she was not intimidated by me and to shut my mouth! She is not the first person that has referred to me as intimidating, but thought to myself, why in the world would she think of me as intimidating? She is fun, has a killer body, lots of friends...I would think most people would think SHE was intimidating! Still, quite a few people have used this word to describe me! I suppose it is better than the former word that was often associated with my name (starts with a b;))!

Since I don't really think I'm a bully or someone to be feared, the only way I can justify this description is that I must seem over-confident and that this confidence can be intimidating. I have always been a confident person. Of course I have times of self-doubt and poor self image, but as a rule, I believe in myself and my abilities. Please note that I do not think that confidence is a bad attribute, but I don't want people to fear me either! When Jess told me she was not intimidated by me, I was offended. I told her that I don't try to intimidate people, so I'm glad that she is not intimidated by me!

As I think about life passages, passages that force me to look in the mirror and reflect on the person staring back in the glass,I thought about what attributes I portray that can use some attention and work. I looked for a passage that offered a few reminders to me: humility, the importance of putting others before self, and the ultimate sacrifice that should never be forgotten. When I am feeling uber confident, I can turn to this life passage and remember to be meek and mild, not arrogant or prideful. It is because of God that I have the honors that I do, that I am blessed with what I have and it is because of Jesus and his ultimate sacrifice that I can be forgiven for the many mistakes I have made along the way! A reminder to me to be self effacing rather than self serving!

I challenge you to find your life passage if you do not have one already! This is mine!

Philippians 2:3-11 (New International Version, ©2011)
3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

6 Who, being in very nature[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

Addicted to Facebook

During the lent season many Christians make sacrifices that they normally would not make. Some of the offerings my friends have decided on include: no pop, to quit biting their nails, no sweets, no fast food, no shopping, dedicated time each day/week to the Bible and probably my favorite is the conscious decision to pay it forward! Nan, Amy and Marci have all decided to pay it forward. I am fairly certain that those that have decided to pay it forward will obtain a greater reward than the people that they pay it forward to because it is so easy to feel God's presence when you lend a helping hand. I hope the other offerings that don't offer instant gratification will be equally rewarding at the end of the lent season as well. I hope it brings each of those who made a commitment to resist, dedicate time or pay it forward closer in their relationship with God.

Personally, I thought very hard on what I should sacrifice. With the sense of renewed faith that I feel, I wanted to do something that would be difficult for me. I log into facebook all day long! ALL DAY! And then once I put the kids to bed I log on AGAIN! It's crazy! After Easter I am going to commit to only logging on once a day and limit the time to 15-30 minutes and only 30 minutes if I am purposefully responding to an email. If I can't keep it to that, I'm just being nosey! I honestly do try to post positive things and it is a great tool to keep in contact with your friends and family, but to spend so much time on "social networking" is really just a waste of time. I have many things I should be doing rather than snooping on facebook!

The part that is bolded is what I WOULD have posted on Facebook!

Day 1: It has not even been 24 hours and it is driving me CRAZY to not have checked my facebook account!! It helps knowing that people can't comment on my page (even though I know they are commenting on each others pages about me because I did a test run this weekend and a few of my friends are loving the fact that I can't read what they write;)!) This is going to be a very long Lent season. In past years I have given up pop, caffeine, fast food, and I can't remember the rest...this is going to be MUCH more difficult!

Day 2: My will be done or Thy will be done...think about which statement is true in your life. Had a LOVELY time at the new book club I joined for lent! I would even venture to say that because of this devotional time I will not miss facebook while I'm at home...at work, different story! Collect treasures of secrets with God, not worldly treasures that you can't take with you to heaven. Be repentant for your sins. I hope my lack of Biblical knowledge isn't too obvious to some of the elders in our church, but I am there to learn, and I think this is a great group to learn from. It is a small group full of faces that I remember from childhood, the pure honest faces that you never forget (one of the ladies reminds me of my Aunt Con):)"All real healing is painful, full of relinquishment and loss. Only death can give life; only darkness light." Thomas R. Steagald Pastor Jen is giving up worry amongst other sacrifices...I think this is a great one!! I am not a worrier, so it wouldn't be a sacrifice for me, but wish I could log on to fb to tell a couple of my friends to give it up!! Can't wait to see The Color Purple with my Mom tonight!

Day 3: The Color Purple was AMAZING! The singers were great, the company was the best and I left feeling determined. I love music. I love to listen, watch people perform and sing at the top of my lungs! Even though Aaron only had a few hours of sleep in 36 hours he stayed up to see me. I asked him what he was doing awake and he said he was just missing me...I hate the off shift weeks...5 days off to reconnect with my husband:) Get to see the Lowry's for one of our last visits before they move to TX:( Not missing fb yet! No smokes yet either...Saturday will be the first test! Oh, but I did have to watch the news like the olden days to see if school was delayed! Normally I would know from fb, but today I didn't want to wake Aaron up and actually watched the schools scroll on the bottom of the television!! Praying for the victims of the tsunami...yet another reminder to live like there is no tomorrow!

Day 4: So excited to play bunco with Ron, my lover, and many of my bestest friends tonight:) And meet some more of Christina's wild and crazy family:) And go to Jo's for some Karaoke of course!!

Day 5: So much fun at Thatchers. Except everyone was having conversations about things I would know if I had been on fb...it is my source for news!! Everyone was very quick to point out that I would know what was going on if I did not give up facebook! So much fun that Aaron let me sleep in (all the way until 9)...then we had to rush around to prepare for the visitors:) Family time with Aaron's cousins all day! Zims and company were great!

Day 6: It is getting much easier to resist the temptation to log on to fb!...my computer history doesn't automatically go to facebook when I type in www. so that's a good sign:) And I am also happy to report that I did not have any cigarette's this weekend after multiple drinks:) No actual posts today-talked with Christie about people's dumb posts...this would be a dumb post:) So happy that Pastor Jen remembered to email me her sermon and the video that she and Grant put together...so happy I decided to cross back across the street to the Methodist Church.

Day 7: The Lenten Journey with Jesus book that I'm reading is keeping me occupied at home during my free time. Not missing facebook at all at home. Still missing the distraction at work. I have received a few emails from facebook spies to pass my day:)PS: DSW has some great boots on clearance:) WYO REVERSE RAFFLE TICKETS FOR SALE...$40/ticket admits two for pop, beer, food, FUN April 16, 2011 Legion Hall

Kids...what's the matter with kids today?

Why can't they be like we were, perfect in every way?

I used to hate it when my mom sang that song!

Generally, I think I do a good job raising my children...GENERALLY! I have taught them to use please and thank you. I have taught them to share, be nice to others, pray, etc. My children have also picked up on things (mostly my attitude) that I could do without. They (Lilly especially) talk to Aaron using sarcasm when they should not, but they have watched me do it and consequently, they think it's alright. When they're tired they act like monsters and sometimes they fight, they are certainly not perfect.

This weekend we were in line behind an elderly woman at the grocery store. The cashier rang her out and I asked Lilly to help me carry her bags out to her car. She said no! I don't want to Mommy! She shied away when I extended my arm with a couple of light bags for her to hold. My precious little girl did not want to help this lady. I gave her the "you better do this now or you will not attend the party you think you're going to this afternoon" look and she reluctantly grabbed the bags. I wanted to grab her by the ear and make her carry every single bag to the ladies car! I was furious.

I am a service oriented person, I give of my time and services whenever possible. Why does my six year old pick up on my attitude and other attributes that I could do without so easily, but tell me no when I ask her to help an elderly woman? In Lilly's defense we had just spent an hour with another elderly lady in the community and she was polite, well spoken and fully engaged in the conversation the entire visit. Still, I could not wait to get my dear, sweet child in the car so that I could discuss her poor attitude.

Angrily, I asked her why she did not want to help the lady? I don't know her mom! She's a stranger. Ughhhhh...I was so mad at my daughter when she told me no! So mad. After I calmed down and listened to her reasoning I could understand her hesitation and why she was uncomfortable with my simple request. I explained that it is alright to help and talk to strangers when Mommy or Daddy asks her to talk to them. I explained that it would be very difficult for the elderly lady to make multiple trips out to her car to load her groceries and that we were there and more able to load the groceries for her. That it is always a good thing to help people in need, even if they are strangers.

After reflection, I can't help but to think about how sad it is that we have to teach our children not to talk to strangers. We have them so frightened because of all the possible bad outcomes if they do talk to strangers, that she didn't want to help me carry out groceries for a sweet old lady. I guess they can't be like we were (perfect in every way) because of the times we live in! Dangerous people are around every corner, so I'm certainly not going to give her the green light to talk to strangers, but hopefully she will be caring enough the next time I ask her to help carry the groceries...and to do it with a smile on her pretty little face. I suppose nothing is wrong with kids today, just the world we live in! Before instantly being infuriated with my childrens reactions to my requests, I should probably take the time to ask them why!