Surviving Spouse: Dating and Marriage

In my work I deal with surviving spouses on a daily to weekly basis.   The first meeting with an attorney serves as another step toward reality when you lose a loved one.   When this person is your life partner it's hard to hold it together for a meeting to discuss what happens next.

I have had clients openly admit that they might not remember our meeting the very next day because they took a bunch of anxiety pills prior to walking into our office.  I have listened to sobbing.  I have walked a woman to the restroom when she needed a break from all of the paper work and big words.  I have held an elderly mans hand as he told me the entire story of his life with his wife.  I have witnessed the look of relief on some and shock on others.

Each and every surviving spouse is different.  Actually, I could probably write a series of posts on surviving the death of a spouse from an outsiders view. Today I pick: dating after the loss of your spouse.

Today's post is spurred by an email from a mother to her children.  In the letter the mother defends her position in the dating world and confesses her love for another man.  A man that is not their father.  A man that her children will most likely grow to love, but they are still haunted by their own feelings of grief and loss.  Scared that their mother is jumping into things too quickly. They have expressed their views that this man is not anything like their father.  They just can't understand why it's necessary to get married so quickly, why rush?   The woman that lost her husband after fifty years of marriage is now defending her position to move on.

She doesn't want to disappoint her children, but she feels deserving of life with companionship and love.  Over and over  in her letter she defends the man that she plans to spend the remainder of her years with. I can't help but wonder why?

Why does she feel the need to defend her decision to move on?  She is a grown woman who was a devoted, loving mother and wife her entire life.  She didn't question her children when they made decisions that didn't mirror hers, but loved them unconditionally and picked up the pieces when their poor decision led to disaster.

Losing a parent is difficult no matter how old you are. Change is hard in general.  Yet, I don't think the grieving children should have the right to question their mother/father when they feel it's time to move on.

My friends have asked me if it's weird to think about my mother dating someone new.  I have met a couple the men she has decided are date worthy.  It's different, certainly.  However, I would like to think that if my mom found someone that she cared for enough to announce her engagement that I would support her rather than berate her with questions.  I want her to be happy. Whether that is happy alone or with someone else is her choice, not mine.

There isn't a book on how long a person should mourn the loss of their spouse because the feeling of loss never leaves.  There isn't a guide that states the specific amount of time that should be observed before dating after the loss of spouse because everyone is different.  

I understand that the children in this situation (all of adult age) are simply looking out for the surviving parent.  I get that. I have witnessed it. I have lived it.  I suppose what I want to share with my peers that are looking out for their surviving parent is to support them.  Love them unconditionally as they did for you.  IF, which is a big IF, because if they are choosing to get married again, I'm sure they have put serious thought into the decision, but IF something bad happens, help them to pick up the pieces again!  And again and again if that's what it takes. 

Please try not to make your parents feel bad for moving on.  Try to imagine yourself in their spot. Please for heavens sake, don't try to make them choose between you and the new person they have decided to spend their time with.  Love them, support them, get to know their new friend.

Who knows...you might actually like them!