You are only as strong as your foundation

Everyone has things in their past that they are not proud of. Things that they would have done differently if given the opportunity later in life. You know, when we're supposedly more intelligent or something. Maybe one or two of the pour decisions changed a special relationship with a friend, changed the course you were taking or even the entire outcome of your life. I have certainly had my share of decisions that I would, in retrospect, have changed. Other decisions I might not have changed. Either way, I would have spent more time battling to make the correct decision: sought out others opinions, read more literature, been overall more informed, before jumping off of the cliff head first.

How did you survive a bad time in your life? The way I usually survive any rough point in my life is to build a wall. When the mistake or betrayal is small, I throw a few stones around my heart where the pain lives. A few of my colossal wrongdoings I have resorted to building a wall. A wall of brick and mortar, strong and sturdy, to protect myself. The only problem with this wall that I have built is that it goes straight up, sky high. Since the wall goes straight up, I am limited. I have to stay within the boundaries of the wall I built. Since I worked diligently to build the wall as high and as fast as possible, the boundaries often make me feel restrained, like if I take one more step that I could step off and fall all the way down to the very bottom.

As I am pushing myself to grow as a person, I have to face some of these decisions that I am not so proud of. Some of the things that I have built walls around out of brick; bricks stacked with mortar very very high. Often, I battle in my head the "what ifs". What if I had done this instead of that? What if I would have done that instead of this? Or done nothing at all. How would my life have changed? Would the changes have made a difference in the end? Why did I hurt the people that I loved the most? I have been slowly chipping away at the brick and still have a very long way to go, but I plan to keep chiseling. Once I tear down the wall, I want to rebuild the wall, but plan to re-build with love and forgiveness. I think a foundation built of love and forgiveness will be even stronger than brick.

In the book I'm reading, "In a Pit With a Lion On a Snowy Day" he brings up several wonderful points about the "what ifs". If my "what ifs" wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be married to Aaron or had Lilly, Camille and Keegan. I probably wouldn't have lived in Woodville. Therefore, I wouldn't have been there for my parents when they needed me the most. I most likely would not have started writing publicly. If I hadn't experienced life, I wouldn't be as strong as I am today. I wouldn't be as valuable to my friends, family or children because ALL of my experiences, good and bad, made me who I am.

As a part of my struggle toward personal growth I have made it a point to say I'm sorry more often and to forgive more freely. Sometimes even the simplest words are the most difficult. At times "I'm sorry" isn't just because you can't make it to a social function or you cut someone off in the lane next to you. Now and again "I'm sorry" is for years and years of brokenness. Brokenness that you must accept part or all of the responsibility for. At intervals in your life, "I'm sorry" will never be enough, but I have concluded that it is a start. And even if it's not enough, it is better than nothing at all.

It is so much easier to remain angry with a friend when they break your trust than it is to put yourself out there knowing that it could happen again. Most of the time it seems like the best way is to just break ties with the person or end the relationship. Put another brick on top of the wall.

Why put yourself at risk again to be hurt or force yourself to think about the pain associated with the person or place in your memory? Harboring bad feelings is emotionally exhausting. Letting go of the hate will make you a stronger person. It takes hard work to honestly forgive someone, to extend your hand as you express your apology, but the reward is worth the risk.

Rebuilding the wall with love and forgiveness will expand your boundaries, hopefully even remove all boundaries. I have decided to forgive and to say I'm sorry to most of the people that really deserve these gestures. The ones that I have loved the most. Thankfully most of the apologies have been welcomed and long overdue. Thankfully God continues to bless me with things that I often do not deserve. I still have some demolition left, but starting to re-build with love and forgiveness. You can start too, "I'm Sorry" is where I started.