She's not just a survivor;)

Everyone knows someone that has, has had, and/or didn't survive breast cancer. The survivors are very special people, so I will touch a little on that in this writing, but is certainly not the point of the post nor does being a survivor define them.

My cousin, that feels left out since she doesn't have her own post, certainly doesn't need a post to make her feel like one of a kind! She has always been one of a kind. She has always been selfless, caring and sympathetic. These attributes, plus a thousand more, have always radiated from her. Yet, she will not let it go, so here is her post!

From my very first memories of her, I can remember her laugh. Her very loud, boisterous, pure laugh that instantly makes you join her in laughter when you hear it. I remember that even when I'm positive she had many other (much cooler) things to be doing she made up my cheer for tryouts, practiced with me over and over and silently cheered me on as I completed my tryout. I remember hours of giggling as she would apply make-up and make my hair big for dances, special events or talent shows;) She knew that I preferred her to do it over Aunt Con so she would act like she wanted to do it and made it fun. Looking back, I know that she probably didn't want to be putting on my make up or doing my hair, but selflessly, she did it with a smile.

Whenever I would mess up, she was the first person to call to check in. Always ready with one of her horror stories and how she survived. My favorite is when my Granny caught her with one of her boyfriends, but no matter what the story was, it made me feel better. She is one of the best story tellers I know; making even the simplest reenactment into a hysterical comedy scene. Her laugh remains the same; pure, captivating and contagious. She is confident enough to laugh at herself and encourages you to do the same.

When she was diagnosed with breast cancer, the odds were not in her favor (totally downplaying here, just like she would). Did she stop laughing, did she stop living, did she think for a second that she wouldn't pull through? I'm sure she did, but she did not let on in front of too many people and she definitely didn't feel sorry for herself for too long. A couple times that I went to visit her she didn't have the strength or mindset to care if she had a wrap or wig on. To me this was terrifying. Every time I left her house or Sunday dinner at Granny's I would cry all the way home to Bowling Green. Even when the chemo and radiation was killing the cancer AND every other cell in her body, her heart and soul were strong. She didn't want to talk about how she was feeling or how the treatments were going. Instead she would tell me how she felt so bad for her parents and Chris that they had to watch her suffer. SHE WAS THE ONE SUFFERING, but she felt bad for her loved ones that had to watch her. Selfless, loving, honorable, one of a kind.

When I found out I was having a baby it took my amazing cousin approximately one day to show up with a unisex outfit. She couldn't wait, this was going to be the best thing in that happened in my life...whether I thought so or not. She is Lilly's sponsor because on top of all the rotten things that she had to experience, the doctor wouldn't clear her for adoption until she had been in remission for over three years. She wanted a little girl to dress up in the worst way. She showered my little one with love, clothes, accessories and is probably to blame for my two girlie girls and their wanting to wear a dress every day. She takes time and puts thought into things she gives, things she says and things she does.

Eventually she was able to adopt and I must tell you that her daughter is one of the cutest on all of the blocks of Woodville. Always dressed head to toe matching, accessorizing, gorgeous. From a young age she liked to pretend she was a Mommy and she is certainly a great Mommy to Mason and Mylie. She is a wonderful teacher, too, and not just to her students. She has taught me many life lessons and I am only one of the many people that can say this. She makes the world a better place to be.

Surround yourself with positive people for success. Heidi is one of these people. She makes you want to be a better person, friend, mother, sister, daughter, cousin. I hope everyone has a "Heidi" in their corner! So, my dear cousin, although you did not need a post to know this, please know that you really are my first best friend and I admire so many things about you! You are a survivor, but that is not what makes you one of a kind!

When you love someone, tell them

People that are "friends" with me on facebook probably think that the people that I hang out with can't really like me or each other that much. Ok, one of my friends actually told me this a while ago. Not quoting, but something to the effect that it is annoying that we post that we love each other and we miss each other all the time. Especially, since we see each other often and talk via facebook, text and cell phone all the time.

I was kind of self conscious about it for a while after she told me this. I don't know why, because I am not really one to worry about what people think, but it did make me think about things that I posted to my friends. I even told one of my friends, not knowing that she had just posted something from her heart on my page, that another one of my friends thinks that it's annoying when people post how much they miss each other or how they are a wonderful friend. She then commented that she probably should log on and delete her comment to me. I am glad she didn't.

When I logged on after talking to my friend, I had the chance to read about how she cherishes my friendship and that she is thankful for me in so many ways. I smiled and thought about the reasons that I cherish our friendship. I think about all the things that I learn from my friends, how they cry with me when I'm sad, how they love me even when I overstep my boundaries and I don't care if people think that is something that should be hidden, because I think it should be celebrated!

When you log in on your birthday or even when something tragic happens, it is encouraging to have 99 notifications of support. That many people took the time out of their day to write you a personal message. To you. Personally, I have secretly been boycotting the "Happy Birthday" on facebook, but I think I will return to wishing everyone a Happy Birthday after reading the comment below and reflecting.

It is amazing what a few kind words will do for someone. I wish we would do it more often. Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes, you made an old man feel young again.

In our crazy busy society I think it's great that my friends take the time out of their crazy busy day to tell me that they miss me, that they will not be satisfied until I make time for them or simply that they cherish my friendship. Friendship is very important and should be celebrated. So if you think it's annoying that we take the time to tell each other how much we cherish our friendships, please feel free to unfriend me. Because I think friendship is worth celebrating!

I will also let you in on a little secret! The person that made the comment about how silly it is that we all tell each other how much we miss each other emailed me the other day...I MISS YOU!! :) When you love someone, tell them!

Babies

Tomorrow two people that I know will walk into the hospital with a baby inside of them. Neither of them will take the baby home with them in a car seat. One baby has already been called home to be with God. One will be taken directly into child services. One mother will leave the hospital even more devastated to have the child out of her. One mother will be relieved to have the child out of her. Please pray for the mother of the child called home after only briefly feeling his/her Mommy's womb. Please pray for the child (and her four siblings) that would LOVE to go home with the mother left devastated and alone. I can't help but question WHY!

Why does God take babies?

Why does he allow the expecting parents to get SO excited only to leave them completely devastated?

Why are parents that are so willing to make the necessary sacrifices for the their children stripped of the opportunity?

Why are the parents that are in jail, addicted to drugs and most importantly the most distant thing from nurturing possible, able to have child after child without any complications?

I have witnessed many of my friends lose their unborn children. Some have heard the news shortly after the wave of excitement knowing that they are pregnant with their child. A couple have carried their babies until full term, picked and planned out the nursery. No matter how long the baby was living inside of them, each and every one of them are left completely devastated.

Every year on the due date or anniversary of death it brings them right back to that day they lost their baby. Every day when they see a child that would be close in age they think about how different their lives would have been. Every time they hear of another couple losing their child it brings that awful feeling of loss directly to the surface. Directly back to that precise second that the doctor told them their was no longer a heartbeat or handing the baby over to the doctors after the brief visit with their earthly body.

It just isn't fair and I can't help but question why.

I know the right answers, I suppose. I even emailed my friend going to have her baby taken out of her tomorrow the reasons why. He needed him/her for a very special reason and/or because he/she was going to be sick and He didn't want them to have to suffer in our earthly world.

I do believe that the parents will one day be reunited with their babies and that they will know immediately who they are because the love that you feel instantly when you find out you are pregnant is a bond that can not be broken. Not even if they are in heaven and you are here. I do believe that He must have a bigger plan in store for all of the parents that have lost their children.

Two of the mothers are now avid supporters of March of Dimes: walking, raising money and awareness in honor of their unborn children, Miley and Ava. One works harder for a cure for her living children than any one person is expected to do. Another spends her days at home showering her living children with all the love and support a child could ask for. So, like I told my friend, I don't know what her calling is, but she certainly has one. Cry, be devastated, but pick herself back up because she is a Mommy now and always.

Please pray for all the Mommy's and Daddy's feeling that empty spot in their heart today and everyday. Please pray for the children of the biological hatchery that they will feel some of the love we are sending as they meet their new sister.

Well before I started a public blog, many of my friends have been forced to read my scribblings...here are a couple edited for privacy. You have many silent supporters my dear friends.

I’ve thought and searched
For the right thing to say
But I can not even fathom.
As you look at her
Lay so peacefully
I can’t help but question.

Why now, what happened,
Did it have to end this way?
You were supposed to arrive so soon.
It’s just not fair
But life rarely is
In heaven I send you a balloon.

Help us now
to wipe the tears
Please take away the fear.
Your mommy and daddy
Need you now
To help them through the years.

Stay in their hearts
for now and always.
Let them know we are here.
I wish I could have held you
And told you stories
I hold so dear.

Stories of the
Way they looked
The day that they found out.
A little one
Was on the way
With so much love- no doubt.

To remind that
You were adored by all
From the very day we heard.
To know you would
Soon be an angel
Never once occurred.

I have never seen
The two people
Who created you with love
Be so emotion filled
Yet so strong
As they think of you above

Sweet, sweet child
I hope you know
Just how much we love you.
And pray for you safe exit
From the world
You barely knew.


As You Grieve and Pray

As you grieve and pray
Please know that we are here
We will be here through each
And every passing year.

We cannot claim to know
How you feel today,
But please understand we are sorry
More than words can say!

The life of a your unborn child
Will forever be treasured
And your love since the time you found out
Cannot even be measured!

Your baby recognizes this bond
That you and its siblings all share
And will always be looking in on you
Showing how much he/she cares.

The twin that survives
Will bring you such delight
But know that when they are hurting
They will never feel alone; there will be a constant light.

A light from the one
Who lived by their side
Inside Mommy’s tummy
Constantly hearing brother and Daddy’s great pride!

As you grieve and pray
Please know that we are here
We will be here through each
And every passing year.

Happy New Year

I don't know that I could volunteer more or drink less! I had successfully mastered the working out part and eating healthy until my dad was too sick and needed constant care, so I know that I can and have started to get back to that. I guess we could save more money, but what fun is that!? I have decided my New Years resolutions should be 1. Be present in each moment 2. Listen more and talk less (this will be very difficult for me;)) and 3. Attend church regularly. I think these are fair and attainable (unlike volunteer more or drink less).

A new year offers a new hope. For me that hope is almost always: I hope this year is better than last year. I have had my share of trials and have thought "this year has to be better than last" on quite a few New Years. In reality though, it doesn't always pan out that way! Usually when you think it can't get any worse, it can! And somehow, someway, you survive.

One year Aaron lost his job a month before we had our first child. How were we going to make it? How could we afford a new baby? Good thing we were living in the "half-way house"! That new year we thought, this year has to be better than last year; but that "bad" year we had our first child, so how could we consider it a "bad" year?

Another year, I had a very serious blood clot. Spent the entire week of Christmas in the hospital. My newborn had a lung infection and my oldest had the flu! But how could I consider it a "bad" year when we had our precious baby boy, closed on our house, our family was all in remission. It wasn't a bad year after all!

This past year, I watched my Dad steadily decline and pass away. I also held Lilly's hand before she ran on the bus so excited for her first day of kindergarten; watched Camille open up into the little girl that loves to dance and play Mommy;listened to Keegan say things like "I want to play with you today, Momma" and have him snuggle up to me like I am the very best thing he has every been in contact with; witnessed my husband agree to open up our house to benefit my parents, do things I wouldn't dare to ask another person, make sacrifices I wouldn't wish upon my enemy; was an eyewitness to devotion from my Mom to my Dad; observed an outpouring of love from family, friends and the community;gave my Dad the last kiss that I will give him on this side...all this year.

So, instead of thinking, "this year has to be better than last year", I'm going to remember all the good things that happened each year. Rather than thinking "this year has to be better than last year" I am going to think "I hope as many good things happen this year as they did last"! I going to let all of the "bad" things that happened in the past fade in the background and instead concentrate on all of the good! Bringing me to my resolutions!

Be present in each moment! I feel like I am present and aware of the beauty and wonder around me most of the time, but I can certainly work on it. I can be more patient with my husband, children and loved ones and focus on the good when I have lost all patience. I can concentrate on the love that radiates even when I am tired and don't want to "get up Mommy" or take a deep breath before I address the spilled milk that was certainly not an accident! I can take it all in stride and focus on the good and let the bad fade in the background.

Listen more and talk less! Sometimes I think my way is the only way...well, most of the time I think my way is the only way! But I'm working on it! Things I have read and witnessed have made me reflect more often as I get older. My neighbor keeps telling me that some day I'll grow up and think before I speak. Although I don't know how quickly that day is coming, I do think he has a point. I am learning that I don't understand why people do things a certain way because I am not them. I do not know what happens in their life to cause them to act the way they do or choose the path they do. Rather than judge them or give them advice that they didn't ask for, I'm going to try to listen more and talk less. If they want advice they will ask. If not, I'm going to TRY to listen and understand rather than voice my opinion.

Attend church regularly. This sounds like an easy resolution to some, but with three children (six and under) it is a chore to get everyone dressed, fed and to church in time. Once we get to church I would also like to still be relaxed enough to enjoy the service (since that is why I want to attend). It takes practice and commitment. It is easy to say, this is my only day to relax and sleep in, but really it only takes a couple hours and the rest of the day is yours. It is getting easier and more routine each time we attend. It is also helpful that most of the congregation enjoys the loud commotion my children provide, offering them waves and smiles, picking up after us and introducing themselves to us each week. The music lifts up my soul and the sermons challenge me to think. My children like it. I can sacrifice my one day of nothing to do for that.

I hope whatever resolution(s) you have all decided on make you a better person (even if it is for a few months;))! I hope as many good things happen this year as they did last! A new year certainly offers new hope! Just make sure you are hoping for the right things!

About Me-Test

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LOVE!

I HATE crying in public. I am not sure why, but I really, really hate it. Maybe it's because growing up I often heard the statement "Dry it up, or I'll give you something to cry about!" It could be because it's just easier to put up the wall rather than risk a break down in front of anyone. Perhaps it is because it makes other people uncomfortable if someone is crying because they don't know what to do or say. In the back of my mind maybe I still think it shows a sign of weakness, which I know is not true, but is an underlying thought. Growing up I can only remember a handful of occasions when I witnessed my mother cry and even fewer where I witnessed my father cry. I think my children will probably grow up and say the same thing about us. I rarely cry in front of my husband, family or friends.

Sometimes the feeling of overwhelming loss or even extreme joy cannot be buried, no matter how hard we try. Sometimes we will be moved to tears whether we like it or not. Whether we think we are mentally prepared and no matter how many times we told ourselves we will not cry. Even if we have coached ourselves into believing will be able to make it without a tear drop through a special occasion. Whether it be a wedding, the birth of a child, a funeral or a church service, sometimes we simply cannot keep it buried.

I did not know if I wanted to attend the Christmas Eve service at church this year. I didn't know if I would be able to hold it together, thinking about the traditions and birthday without my dad. I decided to try because Christmas Eve Service is my favorite church service of the year. Silent night is my favorite Christmas Carol. It is Lilly's favorite lullaby (late November babies get Christmas carols for lullabies in my house). Decided that a friend was right, it was alright to cry. It is such a joyous celebration, the birth of Jesus, and many people would be in tears for many different reasons. That if I did shed a few, I would not be alone.

My favorite reading material, as mentioned many times, is Sarah Jones blog. Sarah ends all of her postings with Love Love Love, Always Always Always. From the first time I read her blog, I loved it! How absolutely perfect is her signature closing? Even when her son was so very sick, even when he was taking his last breaths, even now when she is fighting her grief with every ounce of energy in her, she finishes each post with Love Love Love, Always Always Always. Sarah Jones is truly amazing, in her faith, in her beliefs, in her soul.

We opened presents with my mom Christmas Eve before the church service. My mom gave me a shirt that read, in big black letters across the entire shirt, LOVE. Of course, I love it! Other than the ornaments from my friends, the dyson (also from my momma) and the Jan Pugh plate from Marcia, it is my favorite gift this year. It probably only cost her $10, but immediately it made me think of the Jones family, how they and other families that have lost children must be feeling during the holiday season.

How I am not the only one that has a hole in my heart where the empty feeling lives and my hole doesn't even compare the hole they must feel. I thought about how Sarah continues to Love Love Love. I thought about how I was surrounded the night before by so many of my friends that love me and offer me their endless support. How I was surrounded by my immediate family opening the piles of presents as we all tried to enjoy my Dad's birthday and Christmas Eve. How I would be surrounded by my extended family that evening at our annual gathering that everyone looks forward to. I was doing all of these things without letting a tear drop.

When Laine said she was going to attend the service by herself I really thought I could make it through the service without any tears or maybe just a few. I was wrong. I made it almost to the end-I was almost victorious, but the sermon was titled Love. I had decided to wear my new favorite shirt complete with the LOVE slogan. The Pastor at the Methodist Church is my age, we have similar taste in music, both of our dining rooms are red, she writes her sermons to make people feel and believe, she writes her sermons to reach people. I should have known I couldn't make it through her sermon on Christmas Eve and certainly not through Silent Night without a tear.

As I listened to my friend preach about love, the tears flowed freely. I couldn't stop them. I thought about this "first" I was having-my first Christmas Eve without a birthday present under the tree. But also my first Christmas Eve that I truly allowed myself to feel the love of God surrounding me. The love that He sends to me in my children, husband, family and friends each and every day. The thoughtfulness of simply dropping by baked apples or a surprise keepsake that is absolutely perfect arriving in the mail. My Dad's first birthday with Jesus, with God and how happy I was for him to be spending his birthday pain free with them.

I thought of all these wonderful things, but couldn't stop the tears. I looked around the church and I was happy to see so many of the faces that I remember growing up in this church, but so many of their faces also had tears streaming down them. I was happy to be sitting with my sister in law and the Warners who have always been part of our extended family as the love from the congregation surrounded us. It was relieving to be greeted with a big smile from Marci as I entered the church on this "first" as we have talked often about how hard the "firsts" are. Knowing that so many of my friends were thinking of our family and crying with us was an amazing feeling.

I hope the others that have lost also felt the outpouring of love and support. The Harmans sat directly in front of me with their loss so new and heavy in my thoughts, I looked at Marci and thought of her classmate, his tragic death and his young children left without their father. I witnessed the Hammits all holding each other tight in prayer and so many of my friends moved to tears because they are missing their loved ones. I hope they could feel the same love that Pastor Jen was talking about.

"God loves us, God came to be with us, Jesus Christ is born! It’s scandalous, it’s shocking, it’s surprising, it’s life-changing, it’s world-changing, it’s God-sized news. Love is real, love is holy, love is here!" -Jennifer Smith Williamson

I get another whole week to enjoy my friends and family from out of town, but wanted to write how I was feeling down today so that I don't forget. Not just at Christmas time, but always. So that if you are feeling lonely, please know that God's love is real. I don't want to forget the feeling of love that I felt as I was able to stop the tears just in time to sing the last verse of Silent Night. In honor of His birth and resurrection, in honor of my Dad's first heavenly birthday celebration and in honor of the love I felt in my heart. Thank you to all that have continued to extend your love and support to my family. Please continue to pray for the other families as they mourn their loved ones and help them to feel God's love that he is certainly sending to them. Thank you to my church family for welcoming me back with such great big open arms!

Happy Birthday in Heaven

Since there isn't a birthday present under our Christmas tree this year, since I can't call you on the telephone to tell you Happy Birthday, since I can't sit on your lap, reflect and watch the kids play at Shrimp Fest this year, I thought I should send my birthday wishes to you in heaven.

You would be 55 this year here on earth! Uncle Paul, Uncle Norm and Aunt Deb would wake up extra early in their attempt to be the first to wish you Happy Birthday. I am sure they will still wake up extra early and you will be the first thing on their minds. I'm sure you will still have a birthday celebration in heaven. I wonder what it consists of-does the angelic choir sing for you? What do you look like-are you eighteen and in flip flops? What do you smell like-do you wear Obsession cologne? I wonder these things often.

"I declare to you, brothers, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable."

I know that when it is my time I will immediately know who you are, but I still wonder what the spirit body is like. Do you get to choose which age your body will appear to be in heaven? Or is it the age you were when you left your earthly body, just free of disease and not perishable? I will probably just know it's you because you will be waiting with open arms to give me a hug. I wish so badly that I could give you a birthday hug. I wish so badly that you would be arriving early at Uncle Paul's to help him make the shrimp or arguing over which market offered the best price. I wish even more that I could have one more conversation with you before your stroke and brain cancer.

Many of the usual suspects aren't coming this year. Sometimes I wish I could just say, no, I'm not coming either. Maybe it would be easier this year just to stay home with my children. I'm sure Heid wouldn't allow it (and would probably bring the entire Shrimp Fest to my house if I tried), but the thought did cross my mind. I doubt I could stay away anyways because I know you'd be yelling at me from there. This is a Runion tradition, we do this every year, get your butt over there and like it. So, I'm going. At least Uncle Paul didn't assign me monkey tators or salmon cheese ball or another one of the traditional dishes that I would have been crying the entire time I was preparing it.

So far the firsts have been easier than thinking about the firsts so maybe it will be ok. Knowing me, I probably won't even cry, well, unless I decide to attempt Christmas Eve service! But you will be in my every thought as you have been all week. I hope this birthday is your best one yet. I hope that you can feel all of our love that we are sending and can hear all of the stories we are telling about you. I am happy that you are not in pain anymore. I am happy that you can speak freely and not struggle to find the correct words. I am happy that you can run without your knees hurting and don't have to rely on anyone to complete daily tasks.

I hope Granny has a present for you wrapped in birthday paper, that Papa is seasoning the heavenly shrimp with beer and you are covering the tables in newspapers. That you are sitting with your friends and loved ones enjoying a big piece of cake in a bowl of milk. I told you that we would be ok, most days we are. We miss you so much and love you even more. Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas Eve Daddy! And yes, Stace, his birthday is on Christmas Eve every year;)