Faith Journal...Join me!

I went to a retreat last summer with some AMAZING women.  The event was called the "Ripple Retreat".

"A ripple effect is a situation where, like the ever expanding ripples across water when an object is dropped into it, an effect from an initial state can be followed outwards incrementally." [Wikipedia]

Using the ripple effect to share God's word, we can reach so many more people!!

Anyways, I went to this event with a couple friends and met a few new friends.  The few new friends had already heard a little of my story and had been praying for me daily.  It was an honor to meet them and it was an experience I will never forget.

Kristin, Kristen, and Maegan probably didn't realize at the time that the retreat was exactly what I needed.  I got to spend an entire day with Jen, who I missed/miss seeing regularly.  I was able to be surrounded by so much love.  I had the opportunity to be prayed over and for by a gifted woman of faith. 

I talked a little bit about the event to friends and family, but I probably didn't use my ability to create waves the way I can when I allow Him to use me.

Until Recently!!

When I thought of activities that I wanted to do with the high school youth group, one of the first ideas I had was a Faith Journal!! I remember looking at Kristin's and thinking how neat it was.  I SHOULD have started one then!!

Anyways, I'm going to use my ability to make waves now.  I'm inviting you all to join me in creating your own Faith Journal.  I am using many of Kristin's ideas that she so kindly sent to me...(Ok, I love her.  She's so freaking adorable.  You can follow her blog (that is AMAZING) here: http://www.lilyandlight.com/)

If you want to follow along with the youth group, I'll post the things we are adding to our faith journals on the blog. *I probably will not post all of the blogs to facebook, so bookmark the page, or sign up for email notifications of the blog posts if you are interested in following along.*


The first week we made a pocket in the front of our faith journals for "keepers" as Kristin called them. We didn't put a title on ours, but I told the youth that would would put special, encouraging notes in them.  WUMC members, please feel free to write "keepers" for the youth.  I used to save all of my "keepers" in my Bible and love to look at them periodically.  I'm hoping to do the same for the youth.

Next, we selected two words: Alone and Joyful.

I asked the youth to look up at least one verse that has/will help them get through a period of their life when they are feeling alone and one that they enjoy reading when they are feeling joyful.  When we meet again, we will discuss the scriptures that we selected and add to our own faith journal.

Personally, I have decided to do the exercise on the left side of my faith journal and encourage you all to do the same.  Every night I will pick one of the youth (and/or a friend of mine) that I am praying for in relation to the word/scripture we are focusing on (alone this week, joyful next week).  I am writing a quote or personal note to them that relates to their life or something that they shared during our time together.  I am writing it twice. Once on a piece of paper to give to them and once in my faith journal.  This way, I'm concentrating on them twice as long AND I can pray for them again any time I turn to this page of my faith journal.  When I see them next, I will give them their copy.

I am LOVING this project so far.  It forces me to find scripture. It forces me to stay focused long enough to pray for one of His children.

Join me!

XOXO,

The Balancing Act: Perspective and Prayer

Should I kiss the frog? I don't know!  Mommy said to kiss the frog!  She does feed me, cuddle me, bathe me.  I guess I should trust her? 

I don't know.  I don't think I want to kiss this frog!  It's a frog for heaven's sake.  Why does she want me to kiss it so badly?

Ugh, my Mommy reallllly wants me to, I guess I'll kiss the dumb frog.

That inner voice starts talking to you from the time you're born and it just never shuts up! So often in life ALL I want is to shut off my inner voice for a few minutes of PEACE!!

Life's a great balancing act. Sometimes you just aren't sure where to step and whether to step with your right foot or your left.

“You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.”
– From "Oh, the Places You'll Go!"

So, what do you do when you're confused?  Which direction do you go? Do you think with your head or your broken heart?


SARAH PLUG:

Sometimes life is so confusing.  All of the directions look frightening and it doesn't seem there is any way to turn.

What works best for me is perspective and prayer.

I have a friend that is preparing her infant for major surgery soon. 

As I went for a slog the other day, I stopped to talk to one of the neighbor kids.  They told me that they have to be in a wheelchair again this year.  They're in elementary school. The same age as one of my monsters.  It breaks my heart to see this sweet child struggle.

When I grab a scarf to match my outfit, I put it around my neck these days.  Some woman are putting it on their bald head as they pack up for the next round of treatment. (ALMOST DONE SARAH!! KEEP FIGHTING.  PRAYING DAILY RENEE, ENJOY YOUR "Good" WEEK!)

----------------------------------

I find that when I start thinking of others struggling, it makes my problems seem so small and immediately I start praying for them.  Praying that they can survive the balancing act known as life.  Immediately, I realize that I don't have half as much to balance as most people do.

Perspective and prayer. 

When you feel like one side is tipping and the other is up in the air, perspective and prayer will put you back into balance.

The planner is full of life again with the start of school, soccer and new obligations. Instead of feeling like one of the balls might drop, I'm going to concentrate on how amazing it is to throw the ball up in the air for the first time...and the second...and the third if I drop them every once in a while.

Perspective and prayer makes the balancing act seem like juggling is easy.

I think Camille is probably using prayer to get her through her first day of school.  I asked her if she wanted to bring her prayer square to school and she said she already put it in her desk last night;)

How do you balance life?

Lots of love and prayers for the students and teachers on the first day of school!!

XOXO, 

Prayers, Prayers and More Prayers

 I wasn't going to post about Robin Williams.  I wasn't going to post about depression.  I wasn't going to post about grief or sadness.  I wasn't going to post at all again this week.

Then I got an email notification that a friend re-pinned one of my pins.  I clicked on Pinterest and below is a picture of my most recent pin.  My one and only Robin Williams quote was pinned right around the time he was feeling his most alone.

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up alone.  It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone." ~Robin Williams

 Obviously, like all of you, I am morose with the news of this tragedy.  To know that anyone is hurting so terribly and that they feel so trapped, is disheartening.  How does it get to the point that someone that seemingly "has it all", feels like they have nothing left to share with the world or that it's not worth fighting the battles in their head anymore?

This afternoon, I shot one of my favorite friends a text and we started chatting.  She told me about her weekend.  She is eerily similar to me in many ways...she's a FIXER.  She is the first person to SHOW UP for sooooooo many people.  Anyways, she told me a story about her weekend.  Although the story was sad, it was powerful and nearly unbelievable; ironic to put it lightly.  She had my head spinning as I read her words.  It is not my story to share or my situation to "fix", but the pain I feel for her and her loved ones is palpable and real.

 So, when I got the Pinterest email, I continued thinking about the "Why's" and the notion that some believe in (Everything happens for a reason; Just Believe) and felt compelled to share.

Is it just irony that I pinned my one and only quote by Robin Williams the last night he was alive on Earth?  Is it just irony that I texted my friend yesterday out of the blue which opened the door for her to share just a tiny bit of her pain with me?  There's a great possibility.  But, just in case it was so that I would use my words to reach someone, I will.


Depression is tough.

When people try to push, your first reaction is to pull.  If they try to get you to let them in, you shut them out.  When someone asks if you need to talk, you are silent. Even when every cell in your body is screaming to let the words spill out, your words are trapped in a vault you have created in your head.

Let it all out, they say, but you know you must spare them your hurt.

Bury it.

Put on the smile.

Be brave. Be strong.

But it doesn't have to be that way.  Your loved ones will love you even when you're weak.  If you let them, they will help you chip away at the brick wall you have built.  They will even help you clear the rubble when you finally get it to fall.  They will be your biggest supporters when you are able to stand alone again and smile with ease instead using your smile as a mask.

But you still have to be brave and strong.  It takes courage to ask for help, but it's worth it.

And if you know someone that is struggling, keep pushing when they pull.  Remind them that you are still there whenever they need you. Day or night, you will make time for them.

Praying for the family and friends of Robin Williams. Praying for the family and friends of the young girl killed this weekend in a car accident.  Praying for all of the people struggling with depression.

Prayers, prayers and more prayers,

Check up, check in, new doctor, old feelings

For some reason, I can be zooming along carelessly and free, breathing in each new day as it comes...and then I look ahead in my planner and see that I have my three month check up soon.

I log into MyChart to verify the appointment (not for a couple weeks because I'm sure someone will ask) and call to make a follow-up with my plastics that corresponds with when I'll be at the Clinic.  I still have my survivor face on.  You know the survivor face.  It's plastered on billboards and mailings.  It's in words like hope, fight, faith, strength.  The woman making the appointment takes my information. 

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you are going through this.  My daughter is your age.  I can't even imagine.  Do you have children?"

"Yes, I do.  Very active children.  That's why I'd like to get in on the same day I'm at the Clinic if at all possible."

"Hold on, I'll get my supervisor.  Maybe she can work you in even though it's a surgery day for Djohan."

There's this expectation of survivors that I can't really put into words, but I can feel.  In some ways this expectation is great.  Case in point, a YOUNG survivor with CHILDREN gets first dibs on appointments and they will rearrange the surgeons schedule to fit me in.

Another example I have noticed, everyone loves to see me living life to the fullest.  When I post a picture, smiling and happy, it brings a sense of pride and inspiration to everyone.  I understand this flood of emotions because I feel the same way when I see a fellow survivor flourishing and happy.  You all witnessed the hellish last year of my life and now it feels good to see me living again...

But there is also a downside to the expectations that come with the word survivor. A word that will always be attached to my name..."Oh, I'm sure you know Laura.  She's the young woman from town that had cancer last year".  I don't want to always be cancer Laura and I do a great job of not letting the word define me...until it's check up time.  

I confirm my appointments and use my survivor attitude, but then I can never resist opening the test results tab on my personal online site:

 Glandular (Acinar)/Tubular Differentiation: 3 with treatment effect
Nuclear Grade: 2 with treatment effect
Mitotic Rate: 1 with treatment effect
Overall Bloom Richardson Grade: II with treatment effect

Lymph-Vascular Invasion: Extensively present

Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS):
DCIS is present
Type: Solid
Nuclear Grade: 3
Necrosis: Absent

Lymph Nodes:
Number of sentinel lymph nodes examined: 6
Total number of lymph nodes examined (sentinel and nonsentinel): 6
Number of lymph nodes with macrometastases (>0.2 cm): 1
Number of lymph nodes with micrometastases (>0.2 mm to 0.2 cm and/or
>200cells):1
Number of lymph nodes with isolated tumor cells (less than or equal to 0.2
mm and less than or equal to 200 cells): 0
Number of lymph nodes without tumor cells identified: 4
Size of largest metastatic deposit (if present): 2.5 mm

Extranodal Invasion:
Present
Amount: 0.5 mm

Pathologic Staging(AJCC 7th Edition): ypT1a(m) ypN1a

So I read this section of the report, process the information I know and match it with my online medical doctorate, and I can't breathe again.

This is where the downside of the expectations of a survivor comes into play. I know what I'm EXPECTED to think, how I'm expected to act, what people want me to feel, but I can't choose those thoughts as an appointment approaches. 

Instead of peace, there is fear. 

Instead of strength, my spirit holds on by a teeny tiny thread.  

Instead of hope, I think of milestone gifts that I want to buy my children IN CASE it comes back. 

Instead of faith, I question WHY!?!?!?!

Instead of fight, I force Aaron into conversations where we talk about how hard he expects me to fight if it comes back.

These are not new feelings.  Once you have heard the words, "you have cancer", they can't be unheard.  Just when you start living and stop worrying about dying, you have an appointment to remind you of that day that you sat in the doctors office while the doctor confirmed your greatest fear.

In conversation last week I said, "I'll see you Friday!" but I really meant SUNDAY.  In my current mindset, that AUTOMATICALLY means the cancer is back in my brain.  NOT that I'm a overactive freak with too many activities in the planner.

Or, someone that has been a pillar of strength, wisdom and grace; a person that meets and exceeds all expectations that define a survivor, has a recurrence.  And you feel like a ticking time bomb again.  ***I LOVE YOU RENEE AND I'M PRAYING LOUD AND CONSTANT!!***

I've always been a people-pleaser.   If I'm expected to do/act a certain way, most likely I will.  The majority of the time I feel like I portray "SURVIVOR" well, but as an appointment approaches and I compile the list of questions for my new doctor (yes, Holly left the Clinic.  No, I don't want to talk about it.  It sucks and I'm not happy), it's much more difficult to shut the doubt out of my mind.

So this is me checking in with you, but also with myself.  I'm not excited to meet the new doctor, but I have thought about it and another set of hands and eyes can't be a bad thing, right?!  Maybe he'll be really hot...never mind, I just googled him.  Maybe he'll be really funny!  Either way, Holly picked him specifically for me, so there must be a good reason and if he's not a good fit, I'll go oncologist shopping.

Still smiling, but hugging a little more tightly.  Sitting on the porch at night with my hubby instead of zoning out in front of the television.  Going back for the extra kiss during whack-a-mole bedtime after a long day. Breathing in the smell of the monsters when they climb onto my lap and softly touching their soft hair as it brushes against my face. Folding myself in Aaron's arms when I walk in the door instead of immediately starting the housework. 

Hopefully you will do the same.

All my love,

Hot vs Beautiful Convos with crackheads...I mean my family

 Keegs: Dad, do you think Mom is hot? (Giggle giggle giggle)

Ron: What?

Keegs: There's a boy at STARS that tells me that Lilly is hot. Is Mom hot?

Lilly: Ew, he's gross, Keegan.  Tell him not to say that. (Camille quietly studies all of our faces for any type of reaction)

Ron: Yes, bud, I think Mom is hot, but more importantly I think she's beautiful.

Keegs (dying laughing):  YOU THINK MOM'S HOT.  YOU THINK MOM'S HOT!

Ron: Yes, I do.  But I love her because she's more than just hot.  What makes her beautiful is the stuff in her heart.  I love the way she treats people and the way she thinks about things.....

Keegs (Interrupting and dying laughing): YOU THINK MOM'S HOT!! YOU THINK MOM'S HOT!!

Mom:  Give up and try again in a few years, honey.  BUT, I am pretty hot!! ;)

(I mean the gay bartender did take two photos of my FOOBS when I asked him to take a picture of Aaron and I on our anniversary date!  Ok, so MAYBE he really only took the foob pictures to see if I'd say anything to him and ask him to take another photo, but still!)

Hopefully, the monsters will notice how much fun we have together and realize that it's not all about how "hot" someone is.

 Always entertaining with Keegan though!  Never know what that little boy will come up with!! (I'm sure he gets the insanity from his father!!) Perfect example:

Fine, I'm the green texts.  I take full responsibility for messing up the monsters:)

Laughter is the best medicine,

It's Not JUST a Game

Daren wrote a post about youth sports.  I LOVE it (and I’m actually not going to contradict any of his points;))! You should TOTALLY read it if you haven’t yet because it’s a great post.  You can read it here: http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2013/10/guest-post-its-just-game.html

But to me, it’s not JUST a game.

It’s so much more.

Most of the time when I fill out the sports registration forms for the monsters I do NOT mark the coaching box at all.  The majority of the time I create my own box with an asterisk or two: *Will assist if needed*.  Even when I think to myself, “DON’T MARK A BOX.  BE A PARENT!!!” I receive an email that says, “Hey, I signed you up as my assistant. I hope you don’t mind.”

And, I don’t. I don’t mind because I love all of the little monsters.  During the season they become part of my family.  I see them almost as much as the monsters that destroyed my stomach and each one of them is special to me. I understand the importance of youth sports and would never want to rob any monster of the opportunity due to lack of volunteers because...

To me, it’s not just a game.

It’s a chance to encourage determination.  We have a big game tomorrow night (tonight as of this posting…GO CATS) and more than half of our team showed up at the batting cage for nearly THREE hours at an OPTIONAL practice that I didn’t even attend.   They are striving and working to be the best at what they do. What if we all had this type of determination at our place of employment or better yet, at being the best person we can be?

It’s a chance to build trust and teamwork.  One of my monsters was part of a team that taught the pitcher to run the ball to first base every time and it infuriated me. Not because I didn’t understand that it was easiest way to get the runner out at that age, but because it was telling the monsters not to trust their teammates (and as a lover of the game, I want them to learn the correct way to play)!   So many times in life the quickest, less complicated way to complete a task is to do it yourself. However, when you are part of a team, this strategy builds resentment and anger very quickly and certainly does not encourage teamwork.

Ahhh, teamwork!  We had one game that the monsters lost their minds and started to crumble on the field.  When I went out to huddle they were all pointing fingers at each other and blaming everyone other than themselves.  (I have 8-11 year old monsters on the team and sadly, this finger pointing starts young and never really ends as we age!)  I looked around the huddle and I asked if they had each made an error this year. I asked them if they had each struck out while up to bat this year.  Once they were quiet, I told them that you can’t point fingers because nobody intentionally messes up.  Everyone needs to support and encourage each other to be the best player and team we can be.  Teamwork and trust are hard to nurture, but they are necessary skills that are important the remainder of their lives.

It’s a chance to learn respect and independence.  At the beginning of the season there were monsters (MINE INCLUDED) that instinctively rolled their eyes at me when I attempted to present advice to them.  Can you imagine if you rolled your eyes at your boss when they asked you to change something?  (OK, everyone knows that I totally roll my eyes at my bosses, but not when it’s about work/work product!)  I haven’t CAUGHT any eye rolls since I mandated push-ups for every eye roll.  I haven’t had to pick up equipment in weeks because they know if I pick it up, they are running to get it back.  They ask politely to leave the dugout for bathroom breaks or band-aids, but no longer ask me to find their gloves between innings because I’ve told them that’s not the coaches’ job.

It’s a chance to teach humility and confidence.  We played a great game against a top team during the regular season and the very next game…we stunk it up!  Everyone needs a wake up call sometimes; a reminder that there is always someone/some team that is better. As they practice and grow, they are seeing their hard work pay off.  They are getting on base more often.  They are making more outs in the field.  They know they can beat any team if they work together and play hard.  The game is teaching them the difference between confidence and cocky.

It’s a chance to learn and grow while having fun with friends.  It’s a chance to learn dignity in losing; and grace in winning.  It’s not just a game.

Sports are such a huge and wonderful part of my childhood that I am honored when I'm asked to coach.

Just like the monsters that trashed by body, these girls drive me INSANE. They bring me to tears because I am so PROUD of them.  They teach me more lessons about life than I can ever teach them. When I make hard decisions and they aren’t happy with me, it breaks my heart, but I remember that disappointment is also a huge part of life and it’s not my job to shelter them from it.  (I haven’t broke out in “YOU CAN’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT” yet, so this season’s going fairly well;)) Sometimes they don’t listen and I have to be stern.  Other times they are so funny that I forget they are monsters and not my friends.

Their smiles melt my heart.  Their tears break it.

It’s not JUST a game, but so much more.

Win or lose, I’m so proud of them!

 GO NAVY SEALS!!

 

Can You Teach Friendship?

 My mother believes in "the more the merrier" with every fiber of her being.  I was taught from a very young age things like: keep a LARGE circle, INVITE others to join, don't label one or two friends as your best friend, you can NEVER have too many friends.

And it worked PERFECTLY!!

FOR ME.

This motto, "the more the merrier",  works perfectly for Lilly.

It's not how Camille is wired.

I have talked to many of my friends about the struggles of young friendships and the complexities of why some little monsters make friends so easily while others come home discouraged and feeling left out.

I hate Hate HATE when Cami comes home and tells me that so and so were telling secrets and it made her feel sad. I know that she's super sensitive (and most likely blowing the incidents completely out of proportion), but it still breaks my heart to hear the pain in her voice. I do believe that experiencing the feelings of disappointment are further shaping the traits that she will seek out as she selects her friends. (I also know that if Lilly were in the exact same situation, it wouldn't even phase her.  If she did notice they were talking quietly, most likely she'd walk up to the people telling 'secrets' and ask what they were talking about!)

So, I've started researching and reading.  This is one of the best articles I've found on friendship so far and a brief excerpt: http://www.bostonglobe.com/ideas/2012/09/01/how-kids-make-friends-and-why-matters/7ZNKqGszwNq5PDmdCh1M7H/story.html

"Whether you’re a boy or a girl, there is always the risk of a friend disappointing those expectations: letting you down, making friends with someone else, or just not being there for you. How kids handle such disappointments, MacEvoy says, ends up dictating a lot about how well they hold onto friends over the long term. “If you’re going to participate in friendship, you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed,” MacEvoy said. Not holding a grudge is crucial to maintaining friendships, and being incapable of it causes some kids to flit around from one friend to another, successfully making friends but quickly losing them."

I'm fully convinced that Camille will be one of the very best friends in the world when she eventually selects her circle.  I'm certain of this because a couple of my bestest friends are like Cam.  They are the most loving and devoted of my friends because they keep their circle small and protect it proudly.  They only trust a few people with the space in their heart. {They tolerate my need to have a large circle and understand that if and when they need my undivided attention, they simply need to ask.} For the most part my "Cami friends" prefer smaller crowds and more intimate conversation.

I never really thought about all of the different personalities and their effect on friendships, how and why you choose friends, or if you can teach friendship...until I was a parent.  Now, instead of preaching the "more the merrier" motto to my sweet little introvert, I'm forced to think differently and come up with different tactics on how to be a good friend.

I think about how to guide her, but not baby her often.  She still hides behind me when there is a big crowd.  It takes her until we are just about ready to leave a big party to start playing with the other monsters.  She pulls my ear down to her cute little  whisper voice, "there are too many people here" when we go to parades.  And I worry about her when I force her into a new social situation.  *My three monsters started STARS at Woodmore last week and are LOVING it so far! HIP HIP HOORAY!*

But in reality, she's leaps and bounds above my emotional sophistication at her age and I can learn more from her than she can from me.

The other night Camille told me a secret.  We talked about secrets and she confessed she doesn't trust Lilly (her older, cooler sister) with her secrets.  I asked her why not and she said that Lil would tell tease her and she probably wouldn't understand.  I told one of my girlfriends the secret (because the secret is so absolutely innocent and adorable!!) and now I'm lying to Cami and telling her I didn't tell anyone!!  She asked me if I told anyone about one hour after I told my girlfriend and I feel awful because even though the secret is harmless, I broke her trust.

How am I supposed to teach her things about friendship!?!? ;)

I think Cam already has a great handle on what she is looking for in her friends.  Much more than I grasped at 6 years old!! I think the ability to trust a friend is at the top of her list.   Maybe she learned it at friendship class?! She did ask to sign up for the extra class and talks about how wonderful Mrs. Closius is whenever we see her!

 What do you think?  Can you teach friendship?

  There is nothing as wonderful as being friends! I am so fortunate to have such amazing friends in my life and want nothing more than for my children to have the same as they grow up.

XOXO,