My mother believes in "the more the merrier" with every fiber of her being. I was taught from a very young age things like: keep a LARGE circle, INVITE others to join, don't label one or two friends as your best friend, you can NEVER have too many friends.
And it worked PERFECTLY!!
FOR ME.
This motto, "the more the merrier", works perfectly for Lilly.
It's not how Camille is wired.
I have talked to many of my friends about the struggles of young friendships and the complexities of why some little monsters make friends so easily while others come home discouraged and feeling left out.
I hate Hate HATE when Cami comes home and tells me that so and so were telling secrets and it made her feel sad. I know that she's super sensitive (and most likely blowing the incidents completely out of proportion), but it still breaks my heart to hear the pain in her voice. I do believe that experiencing the feelings of disappointment are further shaping the traits that she will seek out as she selects her friends. (I also know that if Lilly were in the exact same situation, it wouldn't even phase her. If she did notice they were talking quietly, most likely she'd walk up to the people telling 'secrets' and ask what they were talking about!)
So, I've started researching and reading. This is one of the best articles I've found on friendship so far and a brief excerpt: http://www.bostonglobe.com/ideas/2012/09/01/how-kids-make-friends-and-why-matters/7ZNKqGszwNq5PDmdCh1M7H/story.html
"Whether you’re a boy or a girl, there is always the risk of a friend disappointing those expectations: letting you down, making friends with someone else, or just not being there for you. How kids handle such disappointments, MacEvoy says, ends up dictating a lot about how well they hold onto friends over the long term. “If you’re going to participate in friendship, you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed,” MacEvoy said. Not holding a grudge is crucial to maintaining friendships, and being incapable of it causes some kids to flit around from one friend to another, successfully making friends but quickly losing them."
I'm fully convinced that Camille will be one of the very best friends in the world when she eventually selects her circle. I'm certain of this because a couple of my bestest friends are like Cam. They are the most loving and devoted of my friends because they keep their circle small and protect it proudly. They only trust a few people with the space in their heart. {They tolerate my need to have a large circle and understand that if and when they need my undivided attention, they simply need to ask.} For the most part my "Cami friends" prefer smaller crowds and more intimate conversation.
I never really thought about all of the different personalities and their effect on friendships, how and why you choose friends, or if you can teach friendship...until I was a parent. Now, instead of preaching the "more the merrier" motto to my sweet little introvert, I'm forced to think differently and come up with different tactics on how to be a good friend.
I think about how to guide her, but not baby her often. She still hides behind me when there is a big crowd. It takes her until we are just about ready to leave a big party to start playing with the other monsters. She pulls my ear down to her cute little whisper voice, "there are too many people here" when we go to parades. And I worry about her when I force her into a new social situation. *My three monsters started STARS at Woodmore last week and are LOVING it so far! HIP HIP HOORAY!*
But in reality, she's leaps and bounds above my emotional sophistication at her age and I can learn more from her than she can from me.
The other night Camille told me a secret. We talked about secrets and she confessed she doesn't trust Lilly (her older, cooler sister) with her secrets. I asked her why not and she said that Lil would tell tease her and she probably wouldn't understand. I told one of my girlfriends the secret (because the secret is so absolutely innocent and adorable!!) and now I'm lying to Cami and telling her I didn't tell anyone!! She asked me if I told anyone about one hour after I told my girlfriend and I feel awful because even though the secret is harmless, I broke her trust.
How am I supposed to teach her things about friendship!?!? ;)
I think Cam already has a great handle on what she is looking for in her friends. Much more than I grasped at 6 years old!! I think the ability to trust a friend is at the top of her list. Maybe she learned it at friendship class?! She did ask to sign up for the extra class and talks about how wonderful Mrs. Closius is whenever we see her!
What do you think? Can you teach friendship?
XOXO,
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