Rosie Mittens Star-The ELFING Strong Elf

Sometimes traditions are forced on us...I think this is just one of God's ways of torturing blessing me.  Please feel free to check out our tradition on Thanksgiving here:  http://publiclookin.blogspot.com/2011/11/fridays-friendly-fun-turkey-day.html 

(It is such a nightmare blessing!!) *I honestly think it's funny and since it's torture for the men, it secretly makes me love it that we have to play pilgrims and Indians:))

The day after thanksgiving, I GET to start my "Elf on the Shelf" tradition!!  It is SUCH a tragedy blessing!! Thanks again, Deb.  My poor, deprived, severely lacking monsters will one day understand that you brought this torture blessing into our lives and will forever be grateful!! ;)

This year, I'm getting a head start! Please feel free to copy and edit if you need an idea or jump start.  Don't look to the blog or my fb page for future Elf inspiration, because I'm lucky if I remember to move ELFING Rosie, let alone let her play pranks that I  would have to clean up!!

But, I try to play along when I remember...

Dear Strong Children,

 

As you know, it has been a very busy year!  You all have done a wonderful job taking care of your Mommy and keeping your Daddy on track with all of your activities!  The big guy (that’s Santa to you!) and I have been checking in on you in between building toys, making candy and spreading holiday cheer and we are very pleased!

 

Honestly though, I’m glad to be back at your house again!  It’s so much warmer than at the North Pole!  When you’re nestled all snug in your beds, while visions of sugar-plums dance in your heads, I’ll be reporting back to Santa each night at the North Pole.  So be good to each other; no kicking or screaming, no hitting or yelling, no tattling or taunting. 

 

If I’m going to be living here for the next month or so, I’m going to need the three of you to work on picking up your toys.  If you expect us to work hard all year helping Santa build your toys, we need you to take care of them!  This year, Santa has asked us to encourage children to donate one of your used toys that you don’t use anymore.  We will find a new home for them so that another child can enjoy them as you once did! You’re welcome to donate more than one if you want to!

One last thing!! We need to talk about this whole “Holiday Cheer”, or dare I say, LACK of Holiday Cheer you guys have going on here!  You need to help spread some cheer and make this place into a house that I can live in!!  Maybe some snowflakes on the windows and don’t you guys have a nativity scene!?!!

I’m so happy to be back!! 

Remember, Santa is always watching!

Love,

Rosie Mittens Star

 

 

 

I simply CAN NOT wait to forget to move Rosie around and have to lie because I can't remember to move the #%*$#)@*%#@)&% Elf!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving and Bring on the HOLY-day cheer!!


 

sMiLe!

I had a really rough week.  Even though I was positive and sunshine-y on facebook, I had a really LONG week. 

I hate the unknown. I was stressed about starting another type of treatment. When I'm stressed, I can't turn my mind off and sleep eludes me.  Even though the first treatment is over, I feel like I'm waiting for doomsday.  When will the burn appear?  Am I applying lotion often enough? Please, dear loving God, do not let skin breakdown occur.  Please God, let me make it through this radiation without lymphodema (Andre the Giant arm).

After the most amazing weekend with my love, by Monday we were already struggling to feel connected.  Marriage takes work, people.  Lots AND LOTS of hard work.  Every.single.day.  After we talked about why I am sometimes impossible, we are even closer to each other. (Yes, I fight with Aaron, my mom and one of my best friends...well, more than I'll admit to in a blog, that's for sure;) And I'm pretty sure it's ALWAYS their fault, not mine:))   It's worth the work, always.  But, it is hard work! (Especially when I think I'm like Mary Poppins: practically perfect in every way;))

During this treatment, I'm working more than I did during chemo.  I'm catching up, but getting back into the every day grind is exhausting and keeping up with the kids and house...well...

LIFE...sometimes life is just hard.

I woke up this morning and after I ran to get milk (because we failed to realize we were out of MILK...when you have 3 monsters, you need MILK...how do you not know you're out of milk before it's time for cereal!?!) and blasted PJ in the van (because our @$&#%#)@&%$ car still isn't running), I thought to myself: IT'S FRIDAY!  I made it. And I took a deep breath and smiled. 

I walked into radiation and greeted the other patients with a smile this morning (after obnoxiously beeping and yelling at one of my nurse friends in the parking lot.  Sorry Stacey, I REALLY like my car horn, so be on high alert the next month or so when you're walking into work;)).

Anyways, some of the patients in the cancer center are scared out of their mind with a recent diagnosis dominating each and every thought.  Some of them are nearing the finish line, crossing off each day, one small victory at a time. Some of them are nervously waiting on the scan results to find out if the hell they went through worked.

I smiled at all of them and I was thankful that I took the time to look at them today.  Today was the first day that I looked at them.  Earlier this week, I walked in with my head down and made every attempt not to make eye contact.  Sometimes I feel like I have no more to give. Like my heart can't take another worry or struggle, so I hide and hibernate. Today I greeted them with good morning and a smile.

They called me back to start my treatment and said that I had a package up front...I thought, great, what now!?!  But, it was the sweetest card and goodies from a friend.  JUST BECAUSE.  Just because she wanted me to know that she was there and she cares.  Her heart is open.  I thought to myself, "Ok, God, I get it.  Wake up and smell the (Starbucks) coffee, my heart is never too full and I can always give my worries over to You!"

I realized, once again, there is always more room in your heart.  There isn't a limit on the amount of love you are capable of; not a maximum amount of empathy or sympathy you can give. Sharing my cookies with the staff that is coming in on Sunday to treat me was much easier than looking in the eyes of the other patients (I'm still unable to button most of my work attire and as you can see below, my face is starting to show the additional poundage, too...I need to share the cookies!!).  But, my heart can handle looking at their pain if I open it to them.  My smile might be the only one they see today and life is hard. Offering a smile is the very least I can do for the other patients that are trying to be strong. It might not be Starbucks, but it's something everyone can do.  It's free and it's simple and your heart can handle it, even when life is hard.  Often, when they return the smile, your heart will grow even bigger.

Here's one for you today!!

Smile today.  It is a gift.

XOXO,

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MumboJumboMessofaWeek

It's not possible to form actual thoughts and paragraphs this week.  My brain is on overload.  I forgot to set out the money for the housekeeper-SECOND WEEK IN A ROW! You see, Marci gave me the money and all I have to do is set it out each week from the cleaning fairies.  I remembered to bring up the OVERFLOWING basket of clean clothes to fold...I SHOULD have remembered to set out the money.  But, I forgot.

I also forgot to pack Keegan's lunch!!  Just Keegan's.  I packed lunches for the girls and had them all ready to go...OH YEAH!  I have a third child!! OOOPPSS!! (Don't worry, Ang, I didn't make him eat all of his supper last night and I remembered on my way to treatment and Mimi was packing him a lunch.  Please don't call Child Services on me today;))

Today we have Bible Study.  Don't expect too much today since it's my turn to lead and well, I can't concentrate on anything long enough to...oh except this really awesome book I'm reading.  I love Glennon.  She's my long lost soul mate.  But anyways, I have stuff printed out for BS if we get stuck and don't have anything to discuss.  Feel free to join us tonight at 7pm at my clean, but not paid for house!

I would like to say that I'm busy planning a birthday party for my monsters, but the truth of THAT matter is that half of the invites haven't even been passed out yet and the party is Saturday.  Instead I texted the moms of the monsters that I'm too lazy to deliver the very lame, black and white, uncreative invitation that I printed out in a hurry.  I ordered cookie cakes from the restaurant where I'm a regular (ICE...Love ICE restaurant.  They treat me like family;)) at so that I didn't have to add another stop and actually talk to someone I don't know and I'm having it at the bowling alley so I can kind of relax and let the monsters do...well whatever the hell they want to do!

It's just a mumbojumbomessofaweek, but I know that a few blog followers are wondering what the heck is up with my treatment because they're too cool for facebook.  So, I started radiation on Monday.  28 treatments, 5 days a week...this week I get to add a day and visit St. Charles on Sunday morning as well, but in return they're giving me a 4 day break for Thanksgiving!! YAY!

This was my fb post from Monday morning:

Day 18: Life experiences just in time for life! Right before I was diagnosed, I was in the best shape I've been in since having Lilly. I was eating the right foods, working out regularly AND had recently started YOGA!! Thankfully, breathing techniques that I learned in yoga have helped tremendously with PATIENCE! Arrive at 8am. Wait til 8:15am for doc to arrive. Undress and lay on cold table.... Machine will not turn on (PERSPECTIVE: people lost lives, homes and more during the storm-technical difficulties due to the storm are insignificant, breathe Laura). Redress and wait some more. Undress and lay on the cold table for 30min in the same position. (Breathe, Laura, this too shall pass). Oh wait, we need blood! Student phlebotomist (there is a such thing as TOO NICE!! I SHOULD have said no thank you, I've had enough pokes). Sure, you can try one time! Dig around for a while until experienced blood sucker realizes that I might lose it soon!

Thankful for life experiences just in time for life! First radiation treatment in the books! Ready to get back to yoga!! Calling doctor for approval today!

 

Yesterday and today were MUCH better.  By much, I mean I was in and out of the radiation and at work by 8:30am and they don't open until 8am!  YIPPEE!! 

 

I'm not enjoying the no deodorant until noon...I'm a nervous sweater so by noon I'm already a disaster.  I don't particularly enjoy lathering up with Eucerin two times a day, but so far this treatment is just a pain in the butt.  It's not painful and so far I don't have any side effects.  It's just time consuming and who has time for cancer!?!   NOT ME!!

 

I'm not approved for yoga yet...waaaaa. I'm ready to go back, but I don't really want to pop my implant out or anything so I'm listening.  He yelled at me for completing a few of the exercises that I still need to back off of...namely, push ups.  NO PROBLEM, DOC.  I hate them anyways, but my trainer friends make me...can you call them and tell them I can't do them!? 

 

So, that's the update...it's just a mumbojumbomessofaweek.  If all goes as planned, I will have my final radiation treatment December 27th!

 

OOOOOOOO, I almost forgot...mostly because it's been a mumbojumbomessofaweek!!  I went to a Sarah concert this weekend and it was AMAZING!! SIMPLY AMAZING!! One of my besties, Syndi Lou Hou, bought me tickets a few months ago so that I had something to look forward to after my surgery.  It was everything I could have asked for and more!! I cried during (TOO) many of the songs, I held hands with my best friend during the song that Mrs. Depner sang at our wedding and we found a Jojo's type bar in Dayton after the concert.  I didn't know anyone, I didn't have to talk to anyone other than my bearded man and I was able to soak up so much of the love that fills the air when you're at a Sarah concert.  Oh, and I didn't have any responsibilities either since my momma watched the monsters and we enjoyed a peaceful sleep at a hotel with no wake up call.  Everyone needs a recharge...maybe I can do it again this weekend;)

 

 

 

Cheers to fresh starts and new beginnings.  Crap, it's only Wednesday!!  Cheers to weeks that are just a big bunch of mumbojumbo and surviving them anyways!!

 

XOXO,

 

Listen with your Heart

Camille walked in the house tonight after GNC and was visibly upset.  I scooped her up and cuddled her in a blanket on the couch.  She broke down sobbing. 

I mouthed to Lilly: WHAT HAPPENED?? 

With a nonchalant shrug she mouthed back: She answered a question wrong.

I let Camille cry for a good long time thinking that she just needed to have a good cry.  (We all need a good cry sometimes, right?)  She calmed down and I thought to myself, maybe she's just tired?  She was awake early this morning.

I asked her what was wrong and she started sobbing again.  I held her closer thinking she just needed a few extra cuddles. THANKFULLY, tonight I took the time to cuddle her up and didn't dismiss her like I sometimes do when I'm caught in "the busy".

She finally composed herself and we started the shower. 

Mommy, are you dying?  Sally said you're dying.

UGH...instant stomach drop and heart racing and head pounding.  I thought I prepared myself for this!  Shortly after I was diagnosed, a survivor told me a similar story.  But, honestly, I'm growing hair back.  I'm going to workout with my girlfriends for the first time in six months.  I have been working nearly full time.  I didn't expect this question NOW.

Oh, Cami, I'm not dying.  Hopefully not for a very, very long time.  Is that why you were so upset when you walked in the house and saw me?  Honey, I'm here.  I'm fine.

And she hugged me the biggest, sweetest hug in the entire world. Good, Mommy.  I don't want you to die.

And I held back the tears long enough to wrap her tight, get her dressed, and escape to the spare bedroom and type this quick little reminder to listen with your heart.

Those precious little minds are always thinking, always turning, always wondering.  When you think to yourself  they're just tired, get it together.  Maybe, just maybe they're struggling with big, adult, life issues. 

Listen with your heart.

Getting a few extra cuddles in tonight.  Please join me.


 

Show Compassion: Thankful Day 7

 

Two weeks ago I went to the Cleveland Clinic to have my final expansion.  I decided that it was worth the extra miles to drive all the way to the Clinic vs the Avon satellite.  I decided it was worth putting more saline in at each appointment and getting pumped up more often.  It was worth the extra pain and discomfort and extra inconvenience to be pumped up faster and be ready to start radiation sooner.

 

The radiologist looked at the calender at my first appointment and said she wanted me ready by tomorrow (11/7).  I worked hard to be ready!  3 months after my last chemotherapy treatment is tomorrow and I worked my ass off to be ready.

I went to my last consult thinking I would have my simulation and start soon.  While I was waiting for the doctor I was excited.  "I did it!" I thought to myself.  My plastic surgeon is satisfied with my foobs, I hit the deadline, and I'm going to be done with radiation by 2014...

 

I was going to post that I was thankful for nice comfy robes instead of the usual hospital gowns!!

But then they told me that they need to deflate my right foob to get the best angle during radiation.  They want to minimize damage to my heart and lungs and in order to do that, he wants my right foob FLAT.  NON EXISTENT.

DEVASTATED. PISSED. SAD. FRUSTRATED.

I am just getting used to these bad boys.  I don't have to wear a bra.  They are big and perky and the scars aren't THAT bad (by not that bad I mean that nobody will see them other than Aaron and my friends that are nosey;))

 

I went home and sat on my bed, in the dark, and cried.  For more than a hour! The ugly cry where I don't take breaths and my chin quivers. I don't have one loved one that can stand to watch the ugly cry.  I cried that cry.

 

Aaron came in and out of the room often to make sure I was ok.  He laid with me a while and absorbed as much of the ugly cry that he could.  He offered advice, reminded me that it's my choice of doctors, that I could get another opinion, that I should call my existing team to get reassurance and guidance.

 

I called Holly (my amazingly wonderful oncologist). She reminded me that we're working at the CURE.  If I need her to be in my corner and call the mean radiologist, she will, but she thought I could make the decisions by myself after all of the information was collected, after I stopped the tears, and she even suggested a glass of wine...I haven't admitted to her that I'm a beer drinker.  I like to pretend that I'm sophisticated sometimes;)

 

The PA at my plastics office pulled some strings and landed me an Avon appointment on Friday to deflate my foob. She reassured me that the process wouldn't be as painful when they re-pump because my skin and muscle will be more flexible.  They'll be able to pump up faster and with less side effects. She told me that it was going to be fine and wished she could give me a hug right that second.

 

I posted the pouty picture above and immediately friends were mad for me, sad with me and prayerful always.  Reminders to see the big picture, that I'm so close to the end, that they'll love me when I only have one foob were posted to facebook and in my text inbox.  One girlfriend even had a beer in my honor (and I actually like her wine because she works at Mon Ami and they have the best wine ever!!);)

 

One of my fellow warrior sisters put a bug in the radiation nurse's ear that I'm one of hers.  So now, even though I'm not at the Clinic, where my brother and sister in laws pull strings, I have a fighter in my corner for radiation.  And you know what? Millers know how to fight.  I can't think of a better family to have in my corner when I need fighters.  So Kelly is fighting for me, working with me and keeping the process moving. I will have simulation on Monday and start radiation the following week. (Thanks, Rhi.  Love you so much)

 

During Bible Study the leader asked us how and where we see compassion in our daily lives?  During Bible study I was struggling find examples.

 

Really I just needed to think about my evening.   Stories of compassion were ALL around me.  Surrounding me when I feel DEFLATED.  Holding me up when I need extra support.  Loving me always.

 

 

Three months after my final chemotherapy treatment, I'm thankful for compassion. 

 

 

 

 

Show compassion,

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Strength-Thankful Day 4

Today I'm thankful for strength, but it would take too many words on a status update AND for the people that HATE the 30 days of thanks, this gives them the opportunity to skip my thankful post today if they don't want to click on the blog link;)


Like Kelly posted on my facebook, there are a few reasons that I focus on feeding my inner strength constantly and consistently. 

Side note:My outer strength has wilted away to nearly zilch (is that even a real word?) at this point.  I have zero desire to work out, my trainer is out of commission, and I'm probably not going to want to workout when I start radiation in a week/two either.  Y'all are going to have to deal with the inner tube (the roll that I THINK I've convinced my plastics to help with when he works on my foobs) for a while-sorry!
 

 I must talk and write about the things that keep me alive enough that most people know already because Kelly isn't the first to pick up on it.  I received this awesome Oragami Owl charm from Aaron's cousin, Lynne.  November birthstones, MOM, CROSS, S, pink ribbon and "love" is engraved in the charm.  How 100% me!!  My girlfriends gave me a nearly identical charm so I must be living a pretty transparent life.  Or at least what I value most is pretty obvious to the outside world.

 

 

This week I SHOULD be struggling to stay above water.

I'm physically exhausted from lack of sleep. (I'm hoping that after my muscles and skin relax a little, I'll be able to sleep more comfortably with my big foobs!)

Our car decided to take a shit. One mechanic turned down the work. (THAT'S NEVER GOOD!) The dealership didn't want to give squat for trade in. BUT, there is a mechanic working on it this week and since this type of car is known to have problems with the crank shaft, there is a nifty kit that can fix it (at the tune of $1500-$2000, but that's better than the new engine that he thought we might need;)) I'm writing this during my lunch break because I'm stranded at work until MUCH later than I normally stay here, so I'm actually taking a break today!

Lilly has a slight case of pneumonia in one lung, threw up a couple times yesterday, and I have to take off of work tomorrow because they don't want her to return to school until Wednesday.

Anyways, I need to wrap this up quickly because I have to research which kind of cream that I want to purchase in order to minimize the burning during radiation.

But, you know what!?! I'm not sinking!!

Actually, I'm in a really good mood considering the storm I seem to be right directly in the middle of!

I've been spending a ton of time with the kids.  We had a blast with family this weekend.  I was able to squeeze in time with a couple forever friends this week. I've been reading the Bible more often.  Bible study is back in full swing:)  I can feel the love all around me. 

Find your what feeds your inner strength and focus on it!  Feed it constantly and consistently.  You never know when you're going to need it!

I'm thankful for strength today. 

 

Believe

Since my monsters tattled on me to my mother, I suppose the world can know. 

I got my second tattoo!

BELIEVE

 

 



 

This is me trying not to use my favorite curse word.  I'm done with tats.  They hurt!  This picture is my reminder that they hurt! 

 

A few of my forever friends played "white trash tats" and another is playing with us the next time we see her.  Aaron refers to my ink as "white trash tats"...as you would guess, it made me want the ink more than I already did;)

 

We all had different reasons that "Believe" worked for us. I love our tattoo for many reasons. 

 

Mostly because I believe.