why Why WHY

Lilly has ALWAYS been inquisitive.  I keep thinking to myself that someday soon she will stop asking why so often, but she never even slows down.   If you ask her why she asks so many questions, she'll tell you 'so that she can continue to learn' or some other reason relating to gaining knowledge.  She is just bursting with questions about EVERYTHING!  Why this? What's that? Who's she? What are we doing tonight? What's the date today?  Why does the nail tech speak a different language? Why did you order Becks instead of Marcos?  Where's my library card?


Usually I can answer.  Usually if I feed her enough answers, she will eventually stop with the why's!


While we were getting ready for pictures she said "Mommy, why do I look just like you, but Camille doesn't?"

Well, honey, Cami is part of Daddy, too.

"Oh, well, not technically."

(Oh great, here we go)  Yes, Lil, technically part of Daddy is in all of you.  Even though you look (and act) like me the most, part of Daddy is in you, too.

"Well, I don't get how he's part of me.  I don't look like him and how would part of him get into me anyways, I grew in your belly, not his."

I don't know, go ask Daddy!

"Oh, I know Mommy, because God knew that you would marry Daddy so he put part of Daddy in each of us, right?"

  Yep, Lil, I'm sure that's EXACTLY the correct answer...(At least for the next few (as many as possible) years)!!!

AHHHHHH!!! Not ready to answer questions like this!!

What do YOU want?

What words popped out at you?  

Experience-Fun-Love

This was on one of my friends' Facebook walls a couple days ago.  I found my words and posted them as a comment, but I continued to think about the fun little exercise that night.  I've been asked this question a lot in my life.  I ask myself this question even more than I am asked it.

What do YOU want?

Love-Beauty-Youth-Success-Health-Experience-Popularity-Fun-

Happiness-Honesty-Friends-Power-Freedom-Intelligence

I want to know what I stand for.  I want to know what I want out of life.  I want to be able to reach for and attain what I want, but sometimes I don't know what that is.   Experience, Fun and Love are probably fairly accurate, but if I had to rank them after listing all of the possible answers, I would probably go with Happiness-Love-Friends. 

I would move happiness to the top because it's what I have to work the hardest at, but want the most.   Impossible expectations often lead to discontentment at anything less than what I view as perfection.  I have to really concentrate on accepting, forgiving, not passing judgment, letting go of the power, and releasing the pressure to attain perfection to be truly happy. 

I'm like this with, well, pretty much everything.  My most recent focus is the jiggles.  I'll probably never be fully "happy" with my body post children.  I used to have a sexy, flat stomach and now I have stretched out skin and stretch marks.  Even when I'm working out regularly and eating half way decent, I have a "Mommy pouch" and it DRIVES ME CRAZY!  I have an 'Andre the Giant', blood clot leg and cellulite. To reach the point of happiness with my body, I would have to be more accepting and not feel the need to have what I consider to be the perfect body.  That's tough though.  It takes retraining your brain to think differently.

Or, in relationships, what is happiness?  One of my friends was venting recently and admitted they wanted more.  More romance, more affection, more attention, to feel more wanted, more fairy tale, more alive, more challenged, more understood, more loved...More.  They admitted that their partner is making attempts to be more.  They are being honest by telling each other that they want more, but ultimately they will have to be more accepting, more forgiving, and release the pressure to attain perfection to attain happiness.  (I know because I've been here...and I'm sure I'll feel this way again...and again...and again;)) 

Happiness is hard, but it's what I want most.  

What do YOU want?

Finish the Race

8/1: Soooo, if I was keeping on my schedule I would have run 1.5 miles...only managed 1.3 and then walked another 1.7...when I told Ash that by next week we needed to run all the entire route running to get to 2 miles we both cracked up!  I don't understand how some people have the love for running...AT ALL!

8:2 Volleyball

8/3: Notta

8/4: Notta

8:5: Spent the day in BG with friends and the monsters and then walking around Woodpile since we do not have a functioning vehicle.  I needed to run today.  By myself listening to Fun. Think and pray and remember.  1.1 mile run .5 walk 1.2 run-not 2 continuously like I was shooting for, but not too bad.

So far, so good.  Hopefully I will be able to finish this dash running.  Not at Amy/Nicole/Ashley pace, but running at least;)  I MIGHT even venture to say that I enjoyed my run last night, but it was probably just because I needed out of the house and some alone time.

8:6 Insanity-I think it was called 'Idon'twanttobeskinnythisbad'

No Bull!

No Bull, I hope you have a great day!

Hey! How was your weekend?

What's the first question asked by your co-workers on a Monday morning?

Friday I stayed home because Camille wasn't feeling well.   By late morning her fever was gone and she was feeling alright so we decided to keep our evening plans with friends.  Aaron was going to drive a couple of us out to the winery. 

When he pulled in from work, he opened the van door to retrieve something and this is where our fun begins:)

HHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
SWISHSWISHSWISHSWISHSWISHCREAKSWISHCREAKSWISHCREAKCREAKCREAKCREAK
LIGHTSONLIGHTSOFFLIGHTSONLIGHTSOFFLIGHTSONLIGHTSOFLIGHTSONLIGHTSOFFLIGHTON

Our van (WHICH WILL BE PAID OFF IN DECEMBER!!!!!) has decided to take on its own personality...I'm pretty sure it's a she.  I've never really been into naming cars, but she's a bitch with a serious attitude!  She has decided that she wants to throw a tantrum whenever she's in the mood!

Yesterday it was because Aaron opened her door!  That's it!  He didn't ask her to bring us anywhere!  He didn't ask her to be patient while he washed the dirt off of her...he just opened her freaking door and she went ballistic!! She would not stop with the horn.  The entire neighborhood could hear her, I'm sure!  (Not like when I drive her and beep at people, like seriously she would not stop!) I'm positive her wipers could not possibly swishswish any faster!  After a couple swishswishes the wipers were mad at her and started creaking instead of swishing!  Her lights were turning on and off.  I watched from the computer room as Aaron tried to find the fuse box to disconnect at least her horn!  She finally grew tired of her tantrum and shut down.

Graciously, our friends offered to drive since she was being such a bitch!  I'm glad we decided to keep our plans because the winery was certainly the highlight of our weekend!

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Today I planned to take the kids to have lunch with a few of my friends.  We decided the van isn't really safe to drive until we have her attitude adjusted, so I loaded the car seats into the AWESOME PT Cruiser and started driving to BFE.  When we got off at Airport Highway Keegs complained that he was hot so I turned the ac up a little bit and asked the girls to help with road signs.  Ok, the road we're looking for is McCord.  It starts with a M, Cam. 

"I see it Mom, it's the next road!" Lilly said.

"Ok, which way is right, Cam?" I happily asked since I was excited to see my friends:)

Cami points to the right and I turn onto McCord, but we have to stop for a train.   It's ok though because we have Michael Jackson playing and we're rocking out! 

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UNTIL the train is done and I push the gas...and we coast back a little bit.  CRAP.  Put the car in park, turn the key, tutututututututttutut.  Not turning over.  BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. HONNNNNNKKKKKKK!!!!

I turn on the hazards and call Aaron. 

"Hey, how's work going?" Calmly I inquire.

"Ok, what's up?" he responds.

"Oh, I'm in the middle of MCCORD and the car won't start.  WITH THE KIDS. What do you suggest?"  Still very calm and laughing, I ask.

"You have got to be kidding! I'm sorry that I said that it will be our luck that the blue car will break down next!" he says in disbelief.

"Hehe, yeah, well, I'm not kidding.  I have to go.  I'll call Abbe to come pick up the kids while I wait for AAA.  I'm just going to have them tow it to the closest shop, K?"  I said still laughing in disbelief.

"Yeah, that sounds like a plan.  Call me back later. I love you."  I'm sure he was shaking his head and wanted to throw something at this point.

-------------

"Hey, Abs, I need a big favor!" I said not wasting any time.

"Yeah, what's up!?" She responded pleasantly...she would do anything for anyone so I wouldn't expect any other response!

"Um, yeah, so I WAS going to be on time today, but my car has decided that it no longer wants to run and I'm in the middle of freaking McCord.  Can you come get my kids, please?" Still laughing I begged.

"Of course! I'll be there in a few.  Dawn and Katie are running late so I have to load up the boys."  She reassured me.

-----------

"I need a tow truck, no I didn't run out of gas.  Yes, I've tried to start the car again.  Yes, I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD...WITH THREE CHILDREN!"  (So, I might have been losing my patience a little right here)

----------

A nice young women shouted out of a van window and asked if I would like them to push my car into the median?  Well, yes, actually that would be wonderful!  Especially since you're the first person in 20 minutes to stop and ask if the woman and three children on McCord with cars zipping passed them could use some freaking assistance!!  So, I threw the car in neutral and they lined their van up behind the pretty PT and pushed us into the median.   They didn't bother to stop and let me thank them, just pulled around us once we were clear of the lane and waved, but it was a huge help for them to get us out of harms way and I was grateful!

Abbe arrived and my children hesitantly loaded in and I went back to my position on the corner, I mean curb, by my broken down car to wait for the AAA.  In the meantime a Sheriff stopped to make sure I was ok.  I informed him that AAA was on the way and he told me that he'd come back if it started to rain so I didn't have to wait outside in the rain...thanks a freaking lot.  I've been here for 48 minutes and you stopped to tell me that!  I won't hold my breath on the dry seat in your car if it starts to rain either!

Anyways, the tow truck finally arrived and the driver wanted to chit chat!! Seriously?  Do you see that car that you need to load up on your truck?  Do you see the car seats in it?  YES, THAT IS MY CAR!  AND YES, I HAD TO RUN MY KIDS ACROSS THIS BUSY HIGHWAY BECAUSE MY POS CAR DECIDED IT WANTED TO TAKE A CRAP. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. ON A 92DEGREE DAY.  (I THINK THE PT CRUISER IS A MALE-can't finish the job;)).

Dawn came to my rescue and picked me up on the corner when I put out my thumb:) We really did have a lovely visit.   I don't get to see them as often as I'd like and I didn't let the breakdown get the best of me.  Instead we just laughed about it:)  Dawn took us to the car shop to grab the car seats and dropped us off safely at home...Hey, it could be worse, right?

------------

We decided we all needed some fresh air after our adventure this afternoon so we walked (that is what people that do not have a functioning car do, ya know?) to the speed trap.  The kids told Aaron about our day and we continued to laugh at our misfortunes.  "Raindrops are Falling on my Head" started playing on the radio and Aaron looked up as if it was really raining on his head.  I asked him if it was supposed to rain tonight and he shrugged the I don't know shrug. 

We ordered our ice cream and decided that I would take the kids to my moms and he was going to head home to meet up with his buddy.   We walked outside and looked at each other...you have got to be kidding, right?  Dark skies were moving quickly our way.  He walked us to Water Street and ran home...he didn't make it before it poured on him.  I ran...with all three kids...and a wagon to my moms, but we made it.  The rain started seconds after we busted through the door. 

Oh, and right before we walked to the Speed Trap, she, the bitchy van, decided to start honking at us again...so we disconnected her battery:)

Hey!  How was your weekend???

DON'T ASK!!!

Missing Pipi

I haven't taken the time to write about grief in a long time.  I pray for people that are grieving often.  I pray for my friends that are pre-grieving as they are aware of an impending death of a loved one.  I pray for my friends that are struggling to stay above water as the grief is so new and tangible.  I pray for my family and friends who have made it through the first year and the thirtieth year.  Yet, I haven't taken the time to put grief into words in a long time.

I'm forced to think about it lately because Camille is struggling with her emotions.  Lately anytime she starts to cry, her response when you ask her what is wrong is "I miss my Pipi!" It had been quite some time since she said this before the last week or so...probably at least six months.  When she started saying it again I shrugged her off.  I thought to myself: 'get a grip Cami, you are just playin' me'.  I really didn't think she was remembering my Dad.  Until a few nights ago when we were in the garage, just the two of us, and she said "Momma, do you remember when we took a walk with Pipi in his wheelchair?  I sat on his lap."

She wasn't in one of her pouting moods. She wasn't upset or trying to play me to get me to baby her. She was just remembering.   The memory came to her out of the blue and I could see in her face that she was remembering the special day that she sat in my Dad's wheelchair and we walked around the neighborhood together.  I suppose it shouldn't surprise me that it happens this way for my cuddly four year old, it's the way it happens to me, but I didn't truly believe she was feeling the 'missing' emotion before she told me about her memory.  I make it a point to talk to my friends and family when I think they are feeling this emotion...I need to take the time to discuss the difficult topic with Camille, too.

One of my friends is dealing with a parent with a brain tumor.  As she tells stories about her mom and the struggles she is facing it is all too familiar.  Steroids causing emotional roller coasters, changing soiled clothes and sheets, family stress, decisions, end of life care.  TOUGH STUFF. 

I don't usually think about the memories during the last few months when I think about my dad, but when I hear the stories about my friends mom and out of the mouth of my baby girl, it's tough again.  Those memories flood my mind and I am so very thankful for that time together, but I also remember praying for peace.

Tonight, I stayed up late to remember by myself.  I'm better able to catch my breath these days when I look at pictures or close my eyes and remember, but the pain will probably always be strong enough to take it away initially.  Continued prayers to my friends grieving in anticipation of what is to come, to those that are burying their mom this week,  to those who buried their boyfriend and Pippi recently, and to all of people who ache where there is a piece missing.

Missing Pipi.

Operation Finish the Damn Race!

July 22- Jog 1/2 mile, walk half mile, jog 1/2 mile, walk half mile, jog 1/2 mile, walk mile
July 23-Jog 2/3 mile, walk 2/3 mile, boot camp
July 24- Jog 1 mile, walk .5 mile, jog .5 mile, walk 1.5 mile
July 25- Jog 1/3 mile, Insanity: pure cardio and pure cardio abs
July 26: Hour of volleyball
July 28: Insanity-don't know which one, I think 'plyoeatshitanddie' is what it should be called
July 29: Run 1.1, Jog/walk a couple miles 
July 30: Run/walk a mile, boot camp

So we signed up for another warrior dash at the end of August.  I haven't done any exercise to speak of since we did the last one.  I'm determined to finish this damn race RUNNING.   Hoping to run 3 days a week and do an alternate workout like boot camp, insanity, Jillian, kettlebell, (sometimes I'll have to count volleyball) 2 days during the week...2 days off.

I always start out great and then after a couple weeks, I lose interest...I'm going to attempt to stay on track.  I made a plan!! 

Week 1: one mile...I drove what we jogged...almost exactly one mile!
Week 2: 1.5 miles
Week 3: 2.0 miles
Week 4: 2.5 miles
Week 5: 3 miles

Warrior Dash August 26th!  Our outfits are hmmmm, what should we call them, tastefully pushing the limit...as usual:)  I'm going to finish the race running even if it kills me! 

Super excited to camp at the resort too.  I think the monsters are going to have a blast!