Your first time away from home.
Hmmm...don't know if the prompt is looking for sleepovers, sport camps, band camp, senior trip, but the first time I wasn't accountable to anyone besides myself was college.
I had some of the very best times of my life and some of the very worst times of my life during my first time away from home. College...you find yourself...kind of. But at the least you learn things about yourself.
I find great joy talking about some of the times shared with some of my forever friends. Dixie chicks, Panama City, Club 60, Offenhauer, Junction, Myles Pizza...your first time away from home is scary, but when you enter the next phase of your life it is equally scary...just like the book "The Places You'll Go"
"You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left."
Life doesn't come with a map...I'm directionally challenged so I probably would have been lost even if it did!! First time away from home...BG.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Jenni's Challenge Day 2
Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name
Public Look In
I have always liked to journal. I have journals and notes from high school, college I was more into scrapbooking but I do have one half ass journal that is funny to me, but a few years ago I started to journal again. I used blogger because it was the first site I clicked on. I would rant about my life and usually feel much better after I could read what I was upset about in black and white. I did not share the address with anyone, just used it when I wanted to vent.
When my dad was sick I shared a few posts and it was easier to write an update on my blog rather than telling everyone the SAME NOT FUN UPDATE over and over and quickly I had many people checking my blog often. Since I still like to rant about my life, I started a second blog that I use to post blogs that I don't mind sharing with the world. I continue to write on my first blog but have set it to private so that I can just write, not edit or worry about hurting feelings or whatever.
Public Look In is the title of this blog, that I share with the world, because the collections of writings here are a glance in at my life that I'm willing to share with the public. Bits and pieces of my messed up thoughts and ideas scribbled into short essays for people to read, relate to, debate, whatever...it's my space and I like it.
Public Look In
I have always liked to journal. I have journals and notes from high school, college I was more into scrapbooking but I do have one half ass journal that is funny to me, but a few years ago I started to journal again. I used blogger because it was the first site I clicked on. I would rant about my life and usually feel much better after I could read what I was upset about in black and white. I did not share the address with anyone, just used it when I wanted to vent.
When my dad was sick I shared a few posts and it was easier to write an update on my blog rather than telling everyone the SAME NOT FUN UPDATE over and over and quickly I had many people checking my blog often. Since I still like to rant about my life, I started a second blog that I use to post blogs that I don't mind sharing with the world. I continue to write on my first blog but have set it to private so that I can just write, not edit or worry about hurting feelings or whatever.
Public Look In is the title of this blog, that I share with the world, because the collections of writings here are a glance in at my life that I'm willing to share with the public. Bits and pieces of my messed up thoughts and ideas scribbled into short essays for people to read, relate to, debate, whatever...it's my space and I like it.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Jenni's Challenge...Day 1
Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts
If you want to join the 30 day blog challenge check out my friends blog here! If you don't have a blog, you can write a note on FB each day if you want to play!
Laura Leigh Runion Strong. Grew up in Woodville, Ohio. Went to BG and swore off living in Woodville forever. Got married, had three kids and will probably live in Woodville forever.
I am in the blue shirt with my favorite leaf earrings handmade by one of my friends:)
15 interesting facts...
1. I love the rockoplanes, elephant ears and the beer tent at the annual carnival... and I don't care if people think that's strange:)
2. Lily is my favorite flower and Lilly is the name of my first born child...yep, even when I try to hide my hippy-like roots I can't help it...daughter named after a flower...works well with the peace signs, leaf jewelry and other 70's things that are popular these days.
3. I LOVE to have parties...big, small and everything in between.
4. Growing up a rotating fan caught fire in my bedroom. My brother and I both slept through the fire alarm sounding in the hallway between us in the upstairs of our house. Luckily my mom heard it from the basement, woke us up and safely put out the fire. Camille uses the dresser with the burn mark on it.
5. I hate cancer, CF and MS...I love to raise money for charity.
6. I like to give presents, but hate shopping.
7. Often I wish I could build a time machine. The day I would go back to changes with my mood.
8. Being a caretaker for a dying loved one is both the hardest and most rewarding titles that can be used to describe me so far in life. I miss changing the sheets to my dad’s bed almost every time I enter the computer room.
9. I was voted the Most Valuable Soprano in HS choir...my kids fight over who gets to keep the trophy in their room. My choir teacher taught me life lessons at a young age...she continues to reinforce the lessons she taught me to this day and doesn't know she's doing it.
10. I follow quite a few blogs, but do not pay any attention to the news, politics or celebrity gossip.
11. I hate mating socks and cooking.
12. I like to scrapbook, but don't have time anymore due to children, work, life. I have a closet full of supplies that stares at me and yells like the toys in Toy Story to get them out! Someday, fun, cute, supplies, someday.
13. I usually blog when I'm in a sad mood...I'm not very good at happy posts.
14. My planner is color coded.
15. My children can make me smile on my worst days and cry on my best.
If you want to join the 30 day blog challenge check out my friends blog here! If you don't have a blog, you can write a note on FB each day if you want to play!
Laura Leigh Runion Strong. Grew up in Woodville, Ohio. Went to BG and swore off living in Woodville forever. Got married, had three kids and will probably live in Woodville forever.
15 interesting facts...
1. I love the rockoplanes, elephant ears and the beer tent at the annual carnival... and I don't care if people think that's strange:)
2. Lily is my favorite flower and Lilly is the name of my first born child...yep, even when I try to hide my hippy-like roots I can't help it...daughter named after a flower...works well with the peace signs, leaf jewelry and other 70's things that are popular these days.
3. I LOVE to have parties...big, small and everything in between.
4. Growing up a rotating fan caught fire in my bedroom. My brother and I both slept through the fire alarm sounding in the hallway between us in the upstairs of our house. Luckily my mom heard it from the basement, woke us up and safely put out the fire. Camille uses the dresser with the burn mark on it.
5. I hate cancer, CF and MS...I love to raise money for charity.
6. I like to give presents, but hate shopping.
7. Often I wish I could build a time machine. The day I would go back to changes with my mood.
8. Being a caretaker for a dying loved one is both the hardest and most rewarding titles that can be used to describe me so far in life. I miss changing the sheets to my dad’s bed almost every time I enter the computer room.
9. I was voted the Most Valuable Soprano in HS choir...my kids fight over who gets to keep the trophy in their room. My choir teacher taught me life lessons at a young age...she continues to reinforce the lessons she taught me to this day and doesn't know she's doing it.
10. I follow quite a few blogs, but do not pay any attention to the news, politics or celebrity gossip.
11. I hate mating socks and cooking.
12. I like to scrapbook, but don't have time anymore due to children, work, life. I have a closet full of supplies that stares at me and yells like the toys in Toy Story to get them out! Someday, fun, cute, supplies, someday.
13. I usually blog when I'm in a sad mood...I'm not very good at happy posts.
14. My planner is color coded.
15. My children can make me smile on my worst days and cry on my best.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Happy Father's Day
One of the reasons I haven't felt like writing is because my friends have pointed out that my posts are kind of depressing. I have re-read many of them and can't say that I disagree, but since it's my blog and I have admitted that it's my outlet, they're just going to have to live with it!! Tonight Lilly's softball game was cancelled so I voted for ice cream...ice cream from Pee Wee's makes anyone feel better, right? Since we were half way to Perrysburg I reminded Aaron that this weekend is Father's Day...his response, as expected, what are "we" as in what are "you" getting my dad?
My immediate response was, I don't know, I CAN'T (as in don't get to) buy a gift for my dad...didn't really think about what to get your dad. Not that Chris isn't a wonderful father to me, he is, I just really didn't want to think about the day at all! It's not like I used to make a big ordeal about Father's Day either. I would buy my dad a golf shirt and some golf balls and call it a day...but this year he can't really use a golf shirt or golf balls so I'm really not that enthusiastic about celebrating the day.
After our Mother's Day cookout all Aaron said he wanted for Father's Day was a day of nothing to do. Instead I will go to church, go to Lilly's softball game and he'll go to work...probably not exactly what he "wanted", but I'm not planning to have everyone over so that's a start! Honestly, I don't really want to think about the day at all and would prefer to think of it as just another Sunday. Not meaning to take away from Aaron or his Dad, but this year I'd rather it just be another Sunday.
Once I started looking at old pictures I can't help but to wish I was buying another dumb golf shirt that Jake would eventually "steal" from my dad. I can't help but to wish for one more Father's Day so that I could make it more special than a card, a letter or even sharing a cry in the hospital bed together. I can't help to wish for just one more hug, one more smile, one more grounding because I found fake ID's for Jake and Scottie to get into the club when they were in high school, one more I'm proud of you babe, one more.
I am sad that this is a "first" for Sara, Erin and Steven. I'm sad that it's a tenth for Grant. I'm sad that it doesn't make it any easier with any amount of years.
Still, my love love love blogger friend is having an angelversary only days after Father's Day. An anniversary date that I can't comprehend or find words to express my sadness for her and her boys and how I wish I could take just an ounce of her pain away. How once again I am humbled and grateful, even when she thinks she is only "existing" she is keeping Connor's legacy alive and proving that she is not only existing, but changing the world. I am grounded and forced to look at each day because of her strong and courageous words. I am once again forced to think of life in her terms, in words that she writes "If today was your last day, would the legacy you left behind be one your proud of? Have you made enough memories to last a lifetime? One day that's all that will be left of you is memories...make every moment count!" because she is inspiring
I can find comfort knowing that I will always be a Daddy's Girl and can think of the one million memories that he left me with. These are only a few of the ones that I cherish most. Make your days count.
The trip down Heaven Help me...from beginning to end.
The picture I gave to my dad the day before his first treatment..."Goodluck Pipi"
Thanksgiving 08
Thanksgiving 09
MOST of the Runions Thanksgiving 09
Mimi Pipi and Lillybug
Camille and Pipi
Keegan and Pipi
Even when he couldn't read to them, he tried.
Near the end of our roommate situation
One of the last good pictures...
Make your days count. Tell the people that are dear to you that you love them, that you appreciate them and the you don't want to imagine your life without them. Happy Father's Day Dad. I love you.
My immediate response was, I don't know, I CAN'T (as in don't get to) buy a gift for my dad...didn't really think about what to get your dad. Not that Chris isn't a wonderful father to me, he is, I just really didn't want to think about the day at all! It's not like I used to make a big ordeal about Father's Day either. I would buy my dad a golf shirt and some golf balls and call it a day...but this year he can't really use a golf shirt or golf balls so I'm really not that enthusiastic about celebrating the day.
After our Mother's Day cookout all Aaron said he wanted for Father's Day was a day of nothing to do. Instead I will go to church, go to Lilly's softball game and he'll go to work...probably not exactly what he "wanted", but I'm not planning to have everyone over so that's a start! Honestly, I don't really want to think about the day at all and would prefer to think of it as just another Sunday. Not meaning to take away from Aaron or his Dad, but this year I'd rather it just be another Sunday.
Once I started looking at old pictures I can't help but to wish I was buying another dumb golf shirt that Jake would eventually "steal" from my dad. I can't help but to wish for one more Father's Day so that I could make it more special than a card, a letter or even sharing a cry in the hospital bed together. I can't help to wish for just one more hug, one more smile, one more grounding because I found fake ID's for Jake and Scottie to get into the club when they were in high school, one more I'm proud of you babe, one more.
I am sad that this is a "first" for Sara, Erin and Steven. I'm sad that it's a tenth for Grant. I'm sad that it doesn't make it any easier with any amount of years.
Still, my love love love blogger friend is having an angelversary only days after Father's Day. An anniversary date that I can't comprehend or find words to express my sadness for her and her boys and how I wish I could take just an ounce of her pain away. How once again I am humbled and grateful, even when she thinks she is only "existing" she is keeping Connor's legacy alive and proving that she is not only existing, but changing the world. I am grounded and forced to look at each day because of her strong and courageous words. I am once again forced to think of life in her terms, in words that she writes "If today was your last day, would the legacy you left behind be one your proud of? Have you made enough memories to last a lifetime? One day that's all that will be left of you is memories...make every moment count!" because she is inspiring
I can find comfort knowing that I will always be a Daddy's Girl and can think of the one million memories that he left me with. These are only a few of the ones that I cherish most. Make your days count.
Make your days count. Tell the people that are dear to you that you love them, that you appreciate them and the you don't want to imagine your life without them. Happy Father's Day Dad. I love you.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Writers Block
The past couple weeks I have not felt like writing, I really don't want to today either, but I can't sleep, Aaron is working and I don't want to clean, so I looked at a writing prompt website. Number 40 was "Why I think friendships are important". I still don't want to force myself to think so I'm going to think of some of my friends and why they are important to me. Feel free to guess what your number is...I probably won't tell you if you're right, but you can guess anyways;) Most of these qualities/quirks we should try to offer our friends...a couple are just funny for a couple close friends;)
1. Can tell my mood by my posture, my appearance and my mannerisms...asks what's wrong before I speak.
2. Listens better than anyone I know and doesn't judge...ever.
3. Picks their nose and puts it under the seat of their car.
4. Puts on an act like she's a b (like someone else I know) but really isn't anything close to a b.
5. Came into my life at the exact second I needed her and I am thankful to have such an inspiring woman to learn from.
6. I have the most laughs when I am hanging out with her, it's like we're 15, but we don't care, we like it that way.
7. We don't have many complaints about our spouses, but we share one and we talk about it ALOT:) She keeps me sane.
8. Says it like it is and is more appreciated than he knows.
9. Unmatched father, friend, love, protector.
10. Favorite to talk to on my drive home, whether it's me complaining or them, we always end with I love you.
11. Cannot spell, but cracks me up with her honesty (and blondness):)
12. Annoyingly happy...makes some of our spouses question our relationships...throw up in mouth!
13. Finding herself, I think, well, I'm pretty sure actually and you can see the difference in her confidence:)
14. I don't know if we are considered friends, maybe just acquaintances, but I appreciate and can relate to her thoughts and ideas and want her to know it's ok to hope!
15. I appreciate her faith and wish we could do Bible study together.
16. So proud of her spiritual growth and desire to learn more.
17. Inspirational, best story teller ever.
18. Has more in common with me than anyone I know.
19. In order to have as much patience as them I would have to be heavily medicated.
20. Always has caring words of encouragement.
21. Says things other people are thinking, but would never say outloud.
22. Exciting when we get together...often trouble:)
23. Can't wait to give them a hug this week...survivor.
24. Beautiful, inside and out.
25. Genuinely wants to help, often misunderstood.
26. Likes to dance...like we used to when we were young, it's funny because I'm old:)
27. Blood sister, forever friend, talk for hours.
28. Had one of the craziest nights of my life with and I already miss them.
29. Exclusive for my accesories.
30. Thoughtful and crafty.
1. Can tell my mood by my posture, my appearance and my mannerisms...asks what's wrong before I speak.
2. Listens better than anyone I know and doesn't judge...ever.
3. Picks their nose and puts it under the seat of their car.
4. Puts on an act like she's a b (like someone else I know) but really isn't anything close to a b.
5. Came into my life at the exact second I needed her and I am thankful to have such an inspiring woman to learn from.
6. I have the most laughs when I am hanging out with her, it's like we're 15, but we don't care, we like it that way.
7. We don't have many complaints about our spouses, but we share one and we talk about it ALOT:) She keeps me sane.
8. Says it like it is and is more appreciated than he knows.
9. Unmatched father, friend, love, protector.
10. Favorite to talk to on my drive home, whether it's me complaining or them, we always end with I love you.
11. Cannot spell, but cracks me up with her honesty (and blondness):)
12. Annoyingly happy...makes some of our spouses question our relationships...throw up in mouth!
13. Finding herself, I think, well, I'm pretty sure actually and you can see the difference in her confidence:)
14. I don't know if we are considered friends, maybe just acquaintances, but I appreciate and can relate to her thoughts and ideas and want her to know it's ok to hope!
15. I appreciate her faith and wish we could do Bible study together.
16. So proud of her spiritual growth and desire to learn more.
17. Inspirational, best story teller ever.
18. Has more in common with me than anyone I know.
19. In order to have as much patience as them I would have to be heavily medicated.
20. Always has caring words of encouragement.
21. Says things other people are thinking, but would never say outloud.
22. Exciting when we get together...often trouble:)
23. Can't wait to give them a hug this week...survivor.
24. Beautiful, inside and out.
25. Genuinely wants to help, often misunderstood.
26. Likes to dance...like we used to when we were young, it's funny because I'm old:)
27. Blood sister, forever friend, talk for hours.
28. Had one of the craziest nights of my life with and I already miss them.
29. Exclusive for my accesories.
30. Thoughtful and crafty.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Recycling isn't easy
"God is in the business of recycling our pain and using it for someone else's gain." Mark Batterson
This morning I went to the Memorial Day parade. I picked the Elmore parade solely because it started later, but I knew it wouldn't be any easier in Elmore than it would be in Woodville. I made sure to have my sunglasses in hand at all times because I knew I would loose the battle with the tears this morning. My Dad served in the Air Force, was very patriotic and throughout my life it was expected that we would attend the Memorial Day parade.
This year wasn't any different, really. We woke up, put on our red, white and blue, gladly accepted the flags handed out by the nice veterans and I hummed along with the Star-Spangled Banner as I reflected on life. All the years leading up to today, the many conversations with my dad explaining why it is so important to honor those serving and the veterans was obvious in my every thought. Yet today when they asked the crowd to raise their flag to recognize their loved one and announced each branch of the armed forces, I couldn't raise my flag. It was like I was paralyzed. I knew if I raised my flag people would look at me and feel sympathy. I knew my children would ask why I was raising my flag and I really didn't want to have them melt down in front of everyone. Instead I decided to put on my sunglasses and hide the tears because it is just so much easier!
I made it through the parade. We had a wonderful time with our friends all day. My cousins and a couple of my friends sat on my glider this weekend for the first time and commented on how beautiful the set up is with my chime and remembrance stones and love obvious to the naked eye. My cousin got to sit at Granny's table during her visit and as she touched the top ever so gently the memories flooded her mind. We talked about things my dad asked us to do before he passed; things we should try harder at and we are working on them. We talked about Gary, Beth, Erin, Sara and Steven, how they were all fighting the best fight imaginable, making the community so very proud to call them our own, making Gary proud of all the lessons he tought them over the years.
When I went to the parade this morning I didn't want to share my pain. Tonight, I realize that was kind of selfish. Other people have had lived through "the firsts", many people have lost thier loved ones, even years and years after loved ones have passed most people still ache with the feeling of loss. Alissa and Heidi reminded me when Gary was still fighting to come back to us, when the entire community was praying for a miracle, that I have been in thier shoes and I could help. I already knew this and had already emailed Erin and Sara that I am here for them in any capacity they need, but I was hoping it wouldn't come to this point because recycling the pain of death isn't easy.
When I went to the Strong's in the afternoon to complete our Memorial Day weekend we walked into tears. Marcia had received "the call" from a friend and Leah received "the call" shortly after. The call that nobody wants to make (I was too chicken to call and emailed nearly everyone rather than calling them), the call that leaves the worst feeling in your stomach, tears in your eyes and a pain in your heart that can not be described. God called Gary to stand guard at his sand castle. He really must have needed someone good to fill such post.
I thought about how I masked the pain this morning at the parade, the entire weekend when I looked at my chime, I didn't even cry when Marcia told me the news even though she couldn't keep them in. When I was finally alone, I read Steven's post and lost it. I had to write a similar email to my friends because I wasn't strong enough to call them. I recall my facebook page filling up quickly as the news spread throughout our small town only six months ago. I have since witnessed the same outpouring of love on Zajak's pages and a few other friends that have lost their loved ones. It is all too familiar, but as I cried, I thought about the gentle nudge from my cousins, about the quote at the top of the post and how I longed to express my feelings and thoughts when I was the daughter meeting with the funeral director, picking out the thank you cards, holding my mom and brothers hand as we compiled the photos that can't even begin to tell the story of a dad.
Eventually I came around to Aaron's unending attempts to save the world one can at a time: recycling our cans and jars, our friends are even getting used to the routine of rinsing and turning them over in our sink. Tonight I am forcing myself to get used to recycling the pain of loss just in case my dearest neighbors need to feel just a little less alone this week. Just in case they need a little more strength to get them through the next week, month, baby showers, births, wedding, birthdays, holidays and so many of the other "firsts", I am going to lend them my strength. Even though I might not be able to suppress the tears while my strength is on lease, they need it more than me right now and that is the least I can do. Hoping that everyone else lends them theirs, too. Use your strength to pray for theirs.
Please know that our prayers last week did not go unanswered. Sometimes it is difficult to understand the difference between My Will and Thy Will. Even though all of us were praying for a miracle and our will would be to have Gary throwing out the first pitch on our side of this life, God has a different plan. Maybe they needed a new pitcher in heaven, but more likely they needed a new coach, a new life coach. A life coach can be defined as somebody who helps people improve lives: somebody who provides advice and support to people who wish to improve their lives, helping them to make decisions, solve problems, and achieve goals. Gary was one of a kind in this arena! His wife, his children and all of the people that he has touched over the years are living testament to this. God's will was to bring Gary home; maybe He needed a new advisor. We will not know until we get there, but when you can’t trust His hand, you can trust His heart.
I told my mom she's going to have to take Beth out on the town, but I hope that all of the rest of her friends don't need the encouragement. She is going to need your love and support more than ever now. Erin, Steven and Sara please know that I am only a phone call or email away if you ever want to talk, scream or cry. I know you are all doing your best to survive and take care of the babies growing inside of you and Steven is doing his best to show Evey what your dad has taught you all. Hang in there! To all the people that will be missing Gary, the cement in our foundation of community, I leave you with words from a very wise lady. "We do not understand why some people live to be 100 and some lives are cut short. Life can be difficult and the pain of loss is real. I don’t pretend to have answers or easy solutions, but I can tell you that God is love, God is real and the Holy Spirit is by our side in the moments of joy and the moments of pain." Jennifer Smith Williamson
This morning I went to the Memorial Day parade. I picked the Elmore parade solely because it started later, but I knew it wouldn't be any easier in Elmore than it would be in Woodville. I made sure to have my sunglasses in hand at all times because I knew I would loose the battle with the tears this morning. My Dad served in the Air Force, was very patriotic and throughout my life it was expected that we would attend the Memorial Day parade.
This year wasn't any different, really. We woke up, put on our red, white and blue, gladly accepted the flags handed out by the nice veterans and I hummed along with the Star-Spangled Banner as I reflected on life. All the years leading up to today, the many conversations with my dad explaining why it is so important to honor those serving and the veterans was obvious in my every thought. Yet today when they asked the crowd to raise their flag to recognize their loved one and announced each branch of the armed forces, I couldn't raise my flag. It was like I was paralyzed. I knew if I raised my flag people would look at me and feel sympathy. I knew my children would ask why I was raising my flag and I really didn't want to have them melt down in front of everyone. Instead I decided to put on my sunglasses and hide the tears because it is just so much easier!
I made it through the parade. We had a wonderful time with our friends all day. My cousins and a couple of my friends sat on my glider this weekend for the first time and commented on how beautiful the set up is with my chime and remembrance stones and love obvious to the naked eye. My cousin got to sit at Granny's table during her visit and as she touched the top ever so gently the memories flooded her mind. We talked about things my dad asked us to do before he passed; things we should try harder at and we are working on them. We talked about Gary, Beth, Erin, Sara and Steven, how they were all fighting the best fight imaginable, making the community so very proud to call them our own, making Gary proud of all the lessons he tought them over the years.
When I went to the parade this morning I didn't want to share my pain. Tonight, I realize that was kind of selfish. Other people have had lived through "the firsts", many people have lost thier loved ones, even years and years after loved ones have passed most people still ache with the feeling of loss. Alissa and Heidi reminded me when Gary was still fighting to come back to us, when the entire community was praying for a miracle, that I have been in thier shoes and I could help. I already knew this and had already emailed Erin and Sara that I am here for them in any capacity they need, but I was hoping it wouldn't come to this point because recycling the pain of death isn't easy.
When I went to the Strong's in the afternoon to complete our Memorial Day weekend we walked into tears. Marcia had received "the call" from a friend and Leah received "the call" shortly after. The call that nobody wants to make (I was too chicken to call and emailed nearly everyone rather than calling them), the call that leaves the worst feeling in your stomach, tears in your eyes and a pain in your heart that can not be described. God called Gary to stand guard at his sand castle. He really must have needed someone good to fill such post.
I thought about how I masked the pain this morning at the parade, the entire weekend when I looked at my chime, I didn't even cry when Marcia told me the news even though she couldn't keep them in. When I was finally alone, I read Steven's post and lost it. I had to write a similar email to my friends because I wasn't strong enough to call them. I recall my facebook page filling up quickly as the news spread throughout our small town only six months ago. I have since witnessed the same outpouring of love on Zajak's pages and a few other friends that have lost their loved ones. It is all too familiar, but as I cried, I thought about the gentle nudge from my cousins, about the quote at the top of the post and how I longed to express my feelings and thoughts when I was the daughter meeting with the funeral director, picking out the thank you cards, holding my mom and brothers hand as we compiled the photos that can't even begin to tell the story of a dad.
Eventually I came around to Aaron's unending attempts to save the world one can at a time: recycling our cans and jars, our friends are even getting used to the routine of rinsing and turning them over in our sink. Tonight I am forcing myself to get used to recycling the pain of loss just in case my dearest neighbors need to feel just a little less alone this week. Just in case they need a little more strength to get them through the next week, month, baby showers, births, wedding, birthdays, holidays and so many of the other "firsts", I am going to lend them my strength. Even though I might not be able to suppress the tears while my strength is on lease, they need it more than me right now and that is the least I can do. Hoping that everyone else lends them theirs, too. Use your strength to pray for theirs.
Please know that our prayers last week did not go unanswered. Sometimes it is difficult to understand the difference between My Will and Thy Will. Even though all of us were praying for a miracle and our will would be to have Gary throwing out the first pitch on our side of this life, God has a different plan. Maybe they needed a new pitcher in heaven, but more likely they needed a new coach, a new life coach. A life coach can be defined as somebody who helps people improve lives: somebody who provides advice and support to people who wish to improve their lives, helping them to make decisions, solve problems, and achieve goals. Gary was one of a kind in this arena! His wife, his children and all of the people that he has touched over the years are living testament to this. God's will was to bring Gary home; maybe He needed a new advisor. We will not know until we get there, but when you can’t trust His hand, you can trust His heart.
I told my mom she's going to have to take Beth out on the town, but I hope that all of the rest of her friends don't need the encouragement. She is going to need your love and support more than ever now. Erin, Steven and Sara please know that I am only a phone call or email away if you ever want to talk, scream or cry. I know you are all doing your best to survive and take care of the babies growing inside of you and Steven is doing his best to show Evey what your dad has taught you all. Hang in there! To all the people that will be missing Gary, the cement in our foundation of community, I leave you with words from a very wise lady. "We do not understand why some people live to be 100 and some lives are cut short. Life can be difficult and the pain of loss is real. I don’t pretend to have answers or easy solutions, but I can tell you that God is love, God is real and the Holy Spirit is by our side in the moments of joy and the moments of pain." Jennifer Smith Williamson
Friday, May 27, 2011
Sand
We loaded the car, the kids overflowing with anticipation! They didn't know exactly what to expect, but could tell that all of the adults were excited so they knew this trip was going to be great! We boarded the plane: skipping, twirling, dinosaur stomping. The kids were angelic the entire flight; couldn't have asked for more! This was going to be a wonderful family vacation! Our first without my dad, but really he was there in all of our hearts as he is each and every day. We landed safely, we found our rental, the sense of adventure still obvious in the eyes of the children and adults alike.
Shortly after we arrived to the beach I received a text from one of my friends that we had left the lights on in our car. I told him not to text me any more bad news because I was on vacation! I planned to leave my phone off most of the week. I didn't want my bosses to be able to reach me. I didn't want the temptation of texting my friends. I just wanted to sit on the beach and relax.
We arrived at the condo and were on the beach as soon as we could get our suits on, sun screened and throw down our luggage. The weather was perfect, truly unmatched in our vacation history. It didn't even rain once! Everything was going according to plan...and we all know how I like things to go as planned! Maybe I should have told the rest of my family to turn off their phones, too! But even if I would have, I would have read the news as soon as I logged on today and then the Zajak family would have been missing the prayers from our family the entire week and that wouldn't be acceptable either. Life continues when you're on vacation, whether you like it or not.
We heard the story shortly into our trip and received updates quite frequently during the remainder of our stay. To receive updates, send prayers and love, or donate, click here Each time someone would call a few more tears would sneak out of my mom's eyes, Jake and Aaron would fall silent and turn away and I would occupy myself with one of the children to keep away the all too familiar sting of the tears welling up in my eyes from overflowing. Laine updated us on the medical terminology and told us success stories since she is the charge nurse for this type of brain injury at the Clinic. Aaron reminded us that his dad recovered from a similar brain injury when we were only babies. Dana called and reminded Jake that his dad fully recovered from severe brain trauma. The calls and texts were obvious reminders, but I was stuck on sand.
Sand. As a dear friend has reminded me, each of us are but tiny grains of sand fleeing about wildly, flying from this adventure to the next, careless and alone until the tide comes in and brings us back together, gets us wet and we are once again reunited. "We are but grains of sand on the beach. Sometimes water hits us and keeps us together. Sometimes sunshine hits us and keeps us apart. Each will continue to take their cycle on us..."
This week I couldn't help but to compare our small towns to this analogy. Everyone goes to work each day, completes their housework, their yard work goes to their children's sporting events, attends church, etc. etc. etc. Often days go by without thinking of someone, weeks pass without running into them, months and even years sneak by before a wedding or funeral bring everyone together again.
Sometimes we might feel like getting out a hair dryer to dry off and separate from certain grains of sand, sometimes we can't stand that everyone is so connected to one another in small towns. Often the "did you hear this?" or "did you see that?" is enough to make you want to load the plane and not come back!
Still, when something tragic happens, it is all of the grains of sand that help to hold everything, everyone together. The tiny grains of sand that are always close by you whenever it sprinkles, the ones that aren't far during the spring showers, the ones that faithfully appear when the rain just doesn't seem to let up...even the ones that sometimes you would like the drought of summer to dry out and blow away, when you feel like you're drowning, you'll need them all to be pulling for you. You'll need every last grain of sand, damp, together, compacted, specifically placed neatly in their part of the sand castle. Ready to fight for each and every one of the fellow grains of sand until they are once again ready to stand on their own. Gary has touched so many people in Woodvile and Elmore. Some are still here, some are scattered all over the world, but right now he needs us all to be pulling for him. Maybe the rain is our reminder to keep the castle strong, every grain at attention, standing guard for him and his family.
I have felt the community come together, each grain of sand, strategically placed to form the perfect sand castle. The castle both surrounding and supporting the grains of sand that are weak. I remember at the calling hours for my dad, a day that I don't remember much of, how Gary gently approached me as we said goodbye to my dad at the funeral home. I remember how he hugged me oh so tight. He told me that he read my blog titled "Daddy's Girl" with one of his own Daddy's Girls. How he cried with his baby girl and hugged her tight that day, just as he was hugging me then. He thanked me for my words and told me that my dad would be so proud of the way I handled myself, not just on the day of the showing or funeral, but each day; the everyday struggles otherwise known as life.
To the two Daddy's Girls and Steve: your dad is proud of you, always. His face lights up when he talks about you. From reading your caringbridge site I can tell that he passed on the secret to you, the secret to life. His optimism and genuine personality is admired by all. Stay strong knowing that we are all behind you, beside you and in front of you. Lifting you up in prayer and good thoughts. Hoping and praying that tomorrow brings that "little bit better" moment. Also wanting you to know that if that "little bit better" moment doesn't come that we'll all still be here. Still be here sending all of our love and support to get you through each difficult day, each delicate decision, every scream for him to wake up...we will still be here praying for you all.
Tonight I can't seem to type fast enough about how important the continued support is. The cards don't go unnoticed, the messages aren't overlooked, the love is appreciated and real. Gary, Beth and his family deserve all the prayers they can get. They need every last grain of sand standing their post. The best weapon is prayer, use it. I'm sure I will be shaking sand out of things for a while, I'll say a prayer each time I see a tiny grain.
My new favorite song!
Shortly after we arrived to the beach I received a text from one of my friends that we had left the lights on in our car. I told him not to text me any more bad news because I was on vacation! I planned to leave my phone off most of the week. I didn't want my bosses to be able to reach me. I didn't want the temptation of texting my friends. I just wanted to sit on the beach and relax.
We arrived at the condo and were on the beach as soon as we could get our suits on, sun screened and throw down our luggage. The weather was perfect, truly unmatched in our vacation history. It didn't even rain once! Everything was going according to plan...and we all know how I like things to go as planned! Maybe I should have told the rest of my family to turn off their phones, too! But even if I would have, I would have read the news as soon as I logged on today and then the Zajak family would have been missing the prayers from our family the entire week and that wouldn't be acceptable either. Life continues when you're on vacation, whether you like it or not.
We heard the story shortly into our trip and received updates quite frequently during the remainder of our stay. To receive updates, send prayers and love, or donate, click here Each time someone would call a few more tears would sneak out of my mom's eyes, Jake and Aaron would fall silent and turn away and I would occupy myself with one of the children to keep away the all too familiar sting of the tears welling up in my eyes from overflowing. Laine updated us on the medical terminology and told us success stories since she is the charge nurse for this type of brain injury at the Clinic. Aaron reminded us that his dad recovered from a similar brain injury when we were only babies. Dana called and reminded Jake that his dad fully recovered from severe brain trauma. The calls and texts were obvious reminders, but I was stuck on sand.
Sand. As a dear friend has reminded me, each of us are but tiny grains of sand fleeing about wildly, flying from this adventure to the next, careless and alone until the tide comes in and brings us back together, gets us wet and we are once again reunited. "We are but grains of sand on the beach. Sometimes water hits us and keeps us together. Sometimes sunshine hits us and keeps us apart. Each will continue to take their cycle on us..."
This week I couldn't help but to compare our small towns to this analogy. Everyone goes to work each day, completes their housework, their yard work goes to their children's sporting events, attends church, etc. etc. etc. Often days go by without thinking of someone, weeks pass without running into them, months and even years sneak by before a wedding or funeral bring everyone together again.
Sometimes we might feel like getting out a hair dryer to dry off and separate from certain grains of sand, sometimes we can't stand that everyone is so connected to one another in small towns. Often the "did you hear this?" or "did you see that?" is enough to make you want to load the plane and not come back!
Still, when something tragic happens, it is all of the grains of sand that help to hold everything, everyone together. The tiny grains of sand that are always close by you whenever it sprinkles, the ones that aren't far during the spring showers, the ones that faithfully appear when the rain just doesn't seem to let up...even the ones that sometimes you would like the drought of summer to dry out and blow away, when you feel like you're drowning, you'll need them all to be pulling for you. You'll need every last grain of sand, damp, together, compacted, specifically placed neatly in their part of the sand castle. Ready to fight for each and every one of the fellow grains of sand until they are once again ready to stand on their own. Gary has touched so many people in Woodvile and Elmore. Some are still here, some are scattered all over the world, but right now he needs us all to be pulling for him. Maybe the rain is our reminder to keep the castle strong, every grain at attention, standing guard for him and his family.
I have felt the community come together, each grain of sand, strategically placed to form the perfect sand castle. The castle both surrounding and supporting the grains of sand that are weak. I remember at the calling hours for my dad, a day that I don't remember much of, how Gary gently approached me as we said goodbye to my dad at the funeral home. I remember how he hugged me oh so tight. He told me that he read my blog titled "Daddy's Girl" with one of his own Daddy's Girls. How he cried with his baby girl and hugged her tight that day, just as he was hugging me then. He thanked me for my words and told me that my dad would be so proud of the way I handled myself, not just on the day of the showing or funeral, but each day; the everyday struggles otherwise known as life.
To the two Daddy's Girls and Steve: your dad is proud of you, always. His face lights up when he talks about you. From reading your caringbridge site I can tell that he passed on the secret to you, the secret to life. His optimism and genuine personality is admired by all. Stay strong knowing that we are all behind you, beside you and in front of you. Lifting you up in prayer and good thoughts. Hoping and praying that tomorrow brings that "little bit better" moment. Also wanting you to know that if that "little bit better" moment doesn't come that we'll all still be here. Still be here sending all of our love and support to get you through each difficult day, each delicate decision, every scream for him to wake up...we will still be here praying for you all.
Tonight I can't seem to type fast enough about how important the continued support is. The cards don't go unnoticed, the messages aren't overlooked, the love is appreciated and real. Gary, Beth and his family deserve all the prayers they can get. They need every last grain of sand standing their post. The best weapon is prayer, use it. I'm sure I will be shaking sand out of things for a while, I'll say a prayer each time I see a tiny grain.
My new favorite song!
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